Embracing Uniqueness: Overcoming Comparison Through Christ

Here is the cleaned-up transcript:

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I think it's a natural thing that we all go through, but it's something that we have to be aware of and be like, "Okay, I'm not gonna compare myself to other people. I'm gonna be me, and I'm gonna be the best version of me."

Comparison is a really juicy and exciting topic that we believe a lot of our own friends wrestle with, and it hits close to home for the both of us. Everyone wrestles with it to some degree without even realizing it. I personally struggled with comparison a lot, but I've come a really long way from where I was before.

To give a little backstory, I was constantly compared as a kid. My parents being Vietnamese immigrants and being an only child too, I had a lot of pressure to perform and do things really well, especially compared to the cousins. In my teens and even early 20s out of college, I tended to compare myself to a lot of people. I was insecure, and I was not confident in who I was, trying to blend in with the crowd a lot. I decided to go against my dad's wishes and do other things that I aligned with.

To overcome this, I had to involve a lot of therapy, counseling, and life coaching. Now, I feel a lot more confident in who I am and the gifts and abilities that God has given me. Alex has also come a long way from when I first met him in terms of growing in his confidence and not comparing himself.

It's easy to get in our heads about comparing ourselves, but people close to us can see that we are awesome. We all go through the natural thing of comparing ourselves to others, but it's something that we have to be aware of and be the best version of ourselves.

People have always needed to compare themselves with others in order to survive. This comparison can help you be wise and inspire you, but it can also have negative effects. Comparison can steal joy, but it can also steal intimacy with God. When we compare ourselves to others, we can become focused on the experience of God rather than God himself.

To combat this, it is important to spend quality time with God, seeking Him rather than the experience. This can help us to connect more deeply with God and have a richer relationship with Him. Additionally, it is important to not over-index on being alone or relying on other people to experience God, as this can be distracting.

Sometimes when we're in large environments with other people, it can be distracting. For us personally, the most depth that we have experienced with God has almost always been in our one-on-one times with Him. The benefit of gathering with a community is that you get prayed over, prophecies, encouragement, and more. But when it comes to really knowing God and hearing from Him directly, we don't get distracted as much when we're just spending time with Him.

I used to have a lot of FOMO about church gatherings, especially in my early 20s. I went to a Korean church that had hangouts and events almost every other day. It was taking away from my relationship with God, and I had a hard time learning to hear His voice. As I grew older, my pendulum swung more towards my own personal relationship with God and my own secret place. My relationship with God is now so much richer than it was before.

Another analogy is like when I was in college and went to recruiting events or networking events. It was so stressful when you had to line up and talk over each other to talk to the recruiter. It's so much easier when you have a one-on-one conversation with someone and you can just talk and get to know each other and build a relationship.

We need a balance of both gathering with a community and having our own personal relationship with God. When it comes to recruitment, it can be difficult to not compare yourself to others. Everyone is eyeing each other, wondering who will get the internship. It can be hard to focus on what the recruiter is saying when you are feeling the pressure of comparison.

Career fairs and networking events can be more beneficial in this situation, as you can talk to the recruiter one-on-one. However, it is important to be aware of the dynamics of comparison, as it can fuel any weaknesses you may have. Comparison can steal your internal self-worth, as it can make you lose sight of your identity. It can make you feel like you need to do certain things or be a certain way to be “enough.”

With the rise of AI and social media, it can be easy to feel like you are falling behind. It is important to remember that you do not need to rely on AI to be enough. You are enough just as you are.

I personally think that Jesus came in the form that he did as a very simple, humble person without much stuff. He was pretty minimalistic and was showing a counter-cultural way of living. It's easy when we're scrolling on social media to be like, "Oh wow, I wish I had that house or that vacation or that spouse." Then it just steals from realizing who you are because you're so focused on who other people are.

Jesus came to model a way of simplicity to show that you don't need all the fancy things to be enough. God loves you just as you are without the stuff in your life that proves your worth.

Typically when people compare themselves to others, it's usually one fixed point in their lives. For a lot of us, it's career or money. Life is so complicated and complex. Just because one person is exceeding in one point of their life, let's say a career in this case, does that mean that that person's life is better than yours or they're winning at life more than you? Not really.

What about their relationship with God, their friendships, their marriage, relationship with the kids, their health? So many other factors out there that it's actually very illogical to compare yourself because it honestly makes no logical sense.

But we just fix our comparison on just one data point in someone else's life compared to yours. You're logically telling yourself, "Oh yeah, I know I shouldn't compare," but as you're looking at other people's lives, your subconscious, like inner child self, is like, "Oh but I wish I was like that, and things would be better if I did have that."

The grass is greener on the other side when the reality is the grass will fade wherever you are, and the weather is going to change wherever you are.

This point is more and more important for us and the next generations to come because it's getting harder to resist the comparison. With social media and AI-generated stuff, back in the old days, people didn't know what was going on in the world with other people. They only knew their small town.

So with more information and exposure to how other people want to curate and present their lives, their highlight reels, it's getting increasingly difficult to stay rooted in our self-worth instead of being like, "I need to have that or be like this in order to be good enough."

I'm pretty convinced that if I sit down and talk with anyone, I'm sure I can find some problems in their life, no matter if they're billionaires. I'm sure if we go deep enough, there's something there that is not sitting well with them. At the same time, we shouldn't find comfort in other people's problems. Perfection is an illusion, and if you think that that person has a perfect life, you're wrong.

Having a perfect life is not realistic, so when we compare ourselves to others, it can have a third effect. It can steal our ability to genuinely root for and champion others. It's like we're all on one team, like the Avengers, working together for a common mission. But when there's comparison, it breeds envy, jealousy, and insecurity, and it divides us even more.

I experienced this firsthand when I was compared to my cousin a lot. He was more athletic and musically talented than I was, and he was younger than me, which made my life feel worse. It took me a while to break out of this comparison mode, and I had to do a lot of deep internal work and counseling to heal the wounds and deficits I had.

I realized that when we compare ourselves to others, we're looking for something to close the gap or deficit in our life, and that's not healthy. Proverbs 14:30 says, "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Ecclesiastes 4:4 says, "I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one another's envy of one another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Envy pollutes our hearts and our lives.

I learned that the best way to combat comparison is to genuinely cheer on others. When I told people "good for you" instead of being jealous, it was a shock to them. It showed them that I was genuinely happy for them and their success. We can all learn to be happy for others and their abundance and blessings, knowing that their success is not a threat to us.

I'm happy for you because when you feed into someone's bragging and trying to one-up them, it just feeds their insecurity. As a child, we know this is childish, but as adults, we can do this subconsciously or passively. We all know those people who give you their LinkedIn achievements when you first meet them, and you're like, "I didn't ask for your resume right now, I just want to know you as a person."

It's easy for us to judge, but I think if anything, that kind of insecurity reveals that they have some wounds that they haven't known how to heal. How can we love them and support them rather than being like, "Oh yeah, you did that well, I did this," and then trying to fight this meaningless battle?

Comparison steals from us being able to live out God's purposes for us. It's not just about our happiness, peace, and joy; comparison is literally the enemy's tactic to get us to be distracted and not do the thing that God has specifically made and called us to do.

With so many opportunities nowadays, it's easy for us to chase potential and get FOMO instead of focusing on what God wants us specifically to do. Even in ministry, it's easy to compare ourselves to other people and not focus on what God has specifically called us to do. Let's focus on what God has specifically called us to do and be driven by purpose instead of potential.

How come that pastor is so much better at preaching than me? It's easy to get in your head and think that maybe God is disappointed in you. But this can also be applied to the workplace. In the Bay Area, there are a lot of tech companies that people want to work for, but it's important to focus on where God has placed you and the people around you.

Don't look to the left or right and know that your circumstances are not an indication of your worth. It's easy to want to be like King David or Peter, but God knows what's best for us, and sometimes the small, hidden, not rapid growth is actually for our good. He wants to humble us and teach us and use us in a very specific way.

Comparison can be a poison that steals from us in many ways. It can lead to eating disorders, low self-esteem, and even flexing at the gym to impress someone. It's not just a middle school thing; adults do it too.

So how do we overcome this comparison? Here are three ways that have worked well for us:

1. Press into your identity as God's beloved child. Know that you are loved just the way you are. God has given you specific talents and placed you in the year, generation, and season you are in for a reason. He wants to partner with you to bring His love to the world.

2. Distract yourself from comparison. Comparison takes you away from the purpose God has given you and your worth in Him. Don't strive to get worth from your achievements or circumstances.

3. Feel your identity as God's beloved child. To really believe it, you have to feel it. Take time to meditate on God's love for you and how He sees you.

No matter if you are a girl or a guy, everybody struggles with comparison to some degree. Have compassion for yourself and bring it to God.

As a child from ages 0 to 12, those are your most formative years. During this time, you are forming your belief systems and understanding what life is all about. You are collecting data on how to operate and creating your own belief systems in order to protect yourself from pain.

As adults, we subconsciously function as our inner child. For example, if someone is successful and praised by our parents, it can trigger us and make us feel like we have no worth. We may tell ourselves that we need to be like them in order to get praise and be loved. This can lead to feelings of comparison and other struggles.

A practical tip is to re-parent yourself. This can help to free you from comparison and other areas. If you want to go deeper into this, life coaching services are available. Alex loves doing this stuff one-on-one with people, and it would be a blessing to him if you reach out and learn more.

God first loved us before we ever had the choice or even chose to love. Before we were created and born, God already had us in mind and already loved us. To understand our identity as God's child is not an easy overnight fix; it takes a choice from our end to go deeper in our understanding, not just knowledge-wise but in our heart.

When we firmly anchor ourselves in God's truth and pursue it, we will be less triggered by other people, not chasing for approval and trying to prove ourselves in all these ways to compensate for insecurity.

A good tip to help with this is to reject shame and self-condemnation and instead accept Jesus's compassion for us. It's not enough to just have one or the other; we need to clean out and also fill in. Healing generational wounds and understanding the role shame has is important when it comes to understanding our identity as God's child.

Shame can be a trap, keeping us from feeling the way we should. Even if we feel ashamed, it's important to remember that God never condemns us—only the enemy does. Romans 8 tells us that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus Christ. This means that if we have chosen to follow Jesus and put our faith in Him, there is no condemnation—only freedom, joy, and compassion.

The antidote to shame is not to shame ourselves, but to break off any agreement with shame and invite Jesus' compassion. To do this, we can imagine how Jesus sees us in our struggle and how He would show us compassion. We can also re-parent ourselves by thinking of a memory where we were compared to someone else as a child. Close our eyes and imagine that memory, and fill the holes inside of us with Jesus' compassion.

It can be hard and traumatizing to feel emotions, but it is important to invite Jesus into the room and ask what He would say in the situation. God is everywhere and beyond time, and He is the only perfect heavenly father with perfect love.

It is scary to face emotions, especially if we have been taught our whole lives to not be sad or cry. We need to remember that we have needs too, and if we don't address our emotions, it will fester and leak out in destructive ways.

Lastly, we need to identify and embrace our unique gifts. God has placed these things in our hearts for a reason, and they are there for a purpose. We should not compare ourselves to others, but instead focus on our own talents and passions.

I tried engineering, for example; that's what my parents wanted me to do. I took some physics classes, advanced math classes, and I just thought I could do this, and I probably could get into an engineering role if I really wanted to. But in my heart, I don't think this is for me. I think there are people who are more gifted, and God has given gifts and talents to them, and He wants to use them for His purposes, and they're there for a reason.

So for me, I just pursued a career that's more in line with my abilities and my passions. I get to use my relationship-building abilities with clients, working in tech, working in software, and so I feel like that's way more aligned to my abilities.

But circling back on your abilities and talents, I think a nuance I want to add in because as you're talking, I think a lot of people—and we've been through this ourselves—especially when you're fresh out of college or you're still young in your career, you're like, "I have no idea, am I good at this, am I good at that?"

People always say, "Go out of your comfort zone, try hard things, stretch yourselves." So I remember as a fresh grad out of college, I would ask people, "How do you know when to keep going in your strengths, but also how to balance that with trying new things that are outside your comfort zone that maybe you're not quote unquote good at, but you could become good at?"

I mean, there's potential, and you're like, "Should I pursue that potential?"

I think for me, what I realized from so many years of testing different things out is it's not bad to experiment. Like we talked about this in our episode three, if you leave your job, it's not bad to try different things and experiment and pursue opportunities and kind of test it out and be like, "Oh, maybe I am good at this, maybe I am gifted."

But I think what we have to be cautious about in that process is differentiating between, "Am I still doing this thing that I feel challenging because I want to try to force myself to become a certain way, or do I really sense God's grace, God's spirit giving me that momentum growing at this?"

So I'll just share an example I was sharing with Alex. When I look back, I'm so grateful for all my experiences that I've had. But I remember as a new recent grad from college, and I was managing this team of vendors and contractors. Looking back, I'm very surprised; definitely God's grace was there.

People would tell me, "Oh, you're doing a great job, you're a great leader, you're a great manager," whatever. But if I was honest with you, I was dying inside. It was so hard. I had to put all my energy and focus, and I was borderline burning out all the time, not enough sleep or whatever, and it was just really hard.

So if you feel like you're pushing a boulder up a hill, it's easy to get caught up in external results and praise from others, but it's important to pay attention to what feels natural and right for you. You don't want to be stuck doing something that doesn't come easy or naturally.

For example, if you're right-handed, it's like trying to write with your left hand. In this season, I'm encouraged when I'm reminded that this is my thing and that my experiences, gifts, and passions all combine to make it an extension of the grace God has put inside of me.

It took years of experimenting and pivoting to identify this. Not everyone is meant to be an entrepreneur or have multiple side hustles. Every business has its own unique value proposition. God rejoices when we have fun and thrive in the gifts and talents He has given us.

We are all different parts of the same body, and it's not about being the same as others. Society tells us to be individualistic, but the Bible tells us to be interdependent.

One key part of being united is not comparing ourselves and not being competitive. If they succeed, then I'm not doing worse because that divides us and distracts us from our purpose of being a body for God's mission. It also makes us neglect the specific role that we have as that body part.

To help identify our true gifts and strengths, we can include more context and background in the reflect and apply guide.

The journey of overcoming comparison is never complete. We can practice overcoming it, and when we see it happen, we can nip it in the bud and remind ourselves of the truth instead of getting triggered and going down spirals. It's an ongoing journey, and we should have grace for ourselves.

As podcast hosts, we can even easily compare ourselves with other podcasts. We need to consciously remind ourselves that the point is to obey God and not be "better" than other people. Everyone has a unique part of God's purposes and body.

You beat out your competitors, and it's not bad to strive for growth and improvement; that's always good. But you should not be comparing yourself with other people. Compare yourself with your past self or your current self and ask God, "How can I continue growing deeper in my worth and my contentment in you?" Let everything else be an overflow of that.

As podcast people, it can be very easy to get our heads into thinking about the lighting, quality, and other things. Take notice of it and take inventory, and then bring it to God and ask Him what He thinks of you. Remind yourself of God's truth and God's word so you don't get overwhelmed with thoughts that are not from God.

We hope this conversation spurs you to grow deeper in your faith and walk and step into God's freedom. If this episode helped you, please consider passing it on to share with a friend. Also, if you haven't already, please consider taking 30 seconds to leave an Apple podcast review. It really helps us reach more people.

That's basically it. We'll see you guys next week for another episode. Thank you!