Well, welcome! This is going to be a really, really, really good conversation. I'm so excited because I get to talk to some of the coolest people at CLC. Like, what? How awesome is that? Look at those beautiful faces up here! Yay!
So today, you know, like, uh, two weeks ago we were talking about marriage, last week we were talking about conflict, and today, today we are going to be focusing on the single life.
Anybody out there single? Give me your best Beyoncé wave! There you go! There you go! I see you! I see you!
So this conversation is for you, but we don't want anybody to feel isolated or like you are not part of this conversation. I think that no matter what your relationship status is, we can all come together to learn a little bit about what the single life is for people.
I don't know about you, but there are times when people ask me things, and I'm like, "I have not been single in so long, I don't even know how to respond." So this conversation may help you so much in how to help your kids or your grandkids or people that you know in your life that have not found a spouse just yet. So don't dismiss this conversation.
And this is not just about the people on stage; you are a part of the conversation. So if you have your phone on you, you can just scan the little QR code that is on the screens, or you can go to the app, and then you can ask questions there and answer some polls and stuff like that. It is going to be a great conversation with all of us.
And we're actually going to start with a poll. Are you ready? So we want you to tell us, in your experience, what does it mean to be single? Are you single when you are married? I mean, you stop being single when you're married, right? You stop being single when you date, you stop being single when you're engaged. So get the little QR code and help us know when you stop being single.
And while you're doing that, I'm going to introduce really quick the people that we have on our panel today. We have Tiffany and Sue; they are a part of our CLC staff. They are the glue that keeps us all together, doing the things that we're supposed to do.
We have Dom; he is one of our leaders here at CLC, especially with live worship. He is fantastic! And then we have Christine and Matt; they are a part of the leadership in life students, and they're also dating. Aren't they cute?
So let's see if we have the results for that poll. Let's see what you are thinking. There you go! Woo! When you're exclusively dating, then you are not single anymore. I agree with that!
So I have my first question for you. I hope that you're ready because we're going to go with everything that we have. Are you ready?
So what is your biggest challenge or frustration as a single Christian? This is for anybody that wants to answer.
So they said, "Go ahead, let them use you."
Um, I would say my biggest challenge and frustration as a single Christian is the voices. There are a lot of voices about singlehood that are pretty narrow, and they are very pointed to people in their 20s and their 30s.
And so, with that, a lot of culture, even specifically church culture, is that. And so I have had to deconstruct a lot of, like, words of, "When you are running your race, you know, or stay focused and pursue these different things when you're single." And it's like, when you're actively always doing that, then what do you do when you're not in your 20s and you're not in your 30s, and then you have, like, 50? Those same things don't always apply.
And so having to deconstruct what that waiting part looks like, because I think for a long time in that hiding of that, like, I think I hid myself so much that I didn't show availability because of those things.
So anybody else has a different view of that?
Um, almost similar to what Tiff said, but I get frustrated with the negative stigma that comes along with being single. A lot of people think that being single means that you're going to be lonely and depressed, but I really view singleness as a preparation season.
Yeah, and it's the chance for God to speak to us about who we are to Him and who we are going to be to our future spouse. So yeah, that's my only frustration with singleness as a Christian.
See, we're going straight to our questions that just got in because I think that this goes straight to what we were talking about. How has single life shaped your relationship with God?
Sorry, I said "ooh" right away. Don't get me started! Singleness is not a prison. I think a lot of people view singleness as a prison.
But also, if you want to be a virtuous woman of favor, that comes with practice. And it's not practice of reading your Bible and doing your devotional, but it comes with discipline.
If I am first the Bride of the church before ever being married, and so if I don't know how to first be a woman of God and be the Bride of the church, I won't be a helper to my husband. And so if I don't start now developing my relationship with the Lord, I'm going to be a rock in someone's shoe rather than a rock as a foundation for my marriage.
*Drops mic* See? Woo! That was good!
Yeah, so I have a question. Should you date somebody that you aren't attracted to but loves God? So, brother's a three in your eyes, but bless his heart, he loves Jesus.
The short answer is no. I have done that many times where I found myself realizing that I was trying to fill a void because when I was a babe in Christ, I was taught all you got to do is just find a man of God, right?
So I would look on people's bios, and they'd be like, "I'm a man of God." I'm like, "Oh, okay, cool," but their fruit wasn't good; their character wasn't Christlike.
So the short answer is no, you will be wasting your time.
I'm going to give a slightly extended answer, kind of piggybacking off of what she said. I don't believe that you should date anyone that you're not attracted to. In my eyes, you're wasting your time.
But I will say it depends on why you're there, right? If God called you to be in a relationship with this person and you don't have necessarily the complete attraction to the other person, then that's something that you can ask God for, right? He gives you the desires of your heart, and if your desire is to desire what He wants, He wants her for you or He wants him for you.
So I will say He won't give you anybody who ain't your type, but He's also not going to give you anyone who He didn't want for you in the first place. So you'll get there; you'll always get there.
You know, that is good. I mean, you have to think about the fact that you want to be attracted to the person you're with. So yeah, no, that's absolutely right.
So what are some relational red flags that you have ignored that you wish you hadn't? You know, like if you really look back, you're like, "That was a deal breaker," and I didn't care.
Personally, for me, it was how people communicate. Right? I know in my past, I used to be around women that used to emotionally vomit on you and not care how it landed, right? Not being able to portray how they felt in a healthy manner.
And it was a deal breaker because things that shouldn't be arguments are arguments. Things that aren't that big are big now, and it just makes everything way worse.
And as a man, it becomes hard for you because now you have to be Superman and walk on eggshells at the same time, and it's very hard to have immense strength and be extremely delicate at the same time. It's not going to work.
So like not being able to be vulnerable in situations, not being able to be broken, not being able to be imperfect, right? Having to be perfect, and then for the other person understanding where they are. How can you be perfect and understand where someone else is in brokenness if you're not allowed to be broken yourself?
So yeah, it's very difficult.
Yeah, Dom, you were about to answer when he started answering. Was that you were coming? You weren't ringing your mic up? Maybe not?
No, no.
Um, I would say a couple of times dating someone who says they don't have any friends or no relationships with their family. It's kind of strange when someone says they don't have any friends, and it's everybody else's fault, and then they don't have a relationship with their family because it's their fault.
It's a problem, and I found that out really quickly. A lot of times, it has a lot to do with them and their internal issues that they're going through.
And as much as you want to be a help to them, you can't be a help to them if they don't want to help themselves.
So, and if I can add something, yeah, one of the things that's really important to know is that when we identify what our red flags are, what our yellow flags are, what our green flags are, we have to also identify where did that come from.
So for example, if someone's red flag is, "Oh, they have to eat a certain meal," I'll say, right? But the reason why I have that red flag is because I'm allergic to it, or the reason why I have that red flag is because I had a bad experience with it. That's not fair, right?
And so it's like we have to—what we need to do is make sure that our red flags and our green flags align with God's word. So the most important thing is that that person is pursuing God and that person has received from God who that future person is or if that person is their person.
So that's one of the most important things. But I think what just drives me to frustration is when we have red flags that are not fair and that don't align with God's word.
That's good. That's good.
So I just want to kind of like a follow-up there. You know, why would you tell people who have already seen red flags in their relationships and that they don't want to end the relationship? Because that means it's either I stay with a red flag or I'm alone, and some people choose the red flag over loneliness. What would you say to them?
Um, I would actually say, first and foremost, is that a God-centered relationship, right? Were you called to that relationship? Because we really do have to stop being in relationships we had no business being in in the first place.
That's the first and foremost. That's why when they were talking about being single, being single is freedom. Freedom to chase God with all your heart. That's what Paul was talking about, right?
So that's first and foremost. Secondly, if you are called to that relationship, a red flag is nothing but a growing opportunity, right? So you might think it's a red flag. The first thing you do is you go pray, and then you figure out, is that a red flag because of her, or is that a red flag because of me?
And God's going to tell you everything every single time. He's going to tell you about yourself before He tells you about anybody else. So that's first and foremost.
Secondly, then yes, if it is a red flag for them, patience, kindness, love—that's the only way that you're going to endure through that, and they're going to grow in that. So that's what I would say.
That's good. That's really good. Aren't you glad you're here?
I am!
Okay, so we're going to go to another question that was just in, and it says, "How should I approach dating in my 20s with everything being on social media and dating apps? Swiping left, swiping right?"
No swiping!
Yes! I think it's kind of tough because it's kind of like we're trying to ignore AI, you know, that thing of like, "Oh, I hate AI." But it's still happening.
And so a lot of times, I think when we first heard about online dating, it felt like you were thirsty, and people were ashamed, you know, to say it. And there's still some things about that that's there.
But I think that if you completely write off everything, then you will limit yourself. And so with the online dating in your 20s, it's an opportunity to try different ways.
And once you see, "Well, I tried it." I did online dating for a year because I would try it, and I'd do it for a month, and then I'd like do it for like another three years. Like, "I don't like this." But my friend said, "I want you to try this for a whole year and do not get off, Tiffany, after a month."
And so I did it for a whole year. I went on some dates. I never went on anything that was crazy because with my own self and my own standards, there are just certain things, even getting to the first date, that was just a no.
So with that and discerning, since we're talking about Christians being able to have that, I tried it. And so then I could come to the conclusion after a year, like, "You know what? I don't know right now if that is the right thing for me."
There are sure people stories out here that they met on Instagram, which also shows social media, Facebook, all these other mediums. But at least you can say that you tried it and that you were open to it.
And then from there, you can make a decision. But it's hard if you say no to everything.
So how do you navigate, you know, all of the media and social media and all of the apps as a Christian? Because you're saying, "Yeah, like I was able to get on it for a year." But as a Christian, how do you filter everything that is coming in and the pressure to just go out?
Oh yeah, my friends all day would be like, "You swipe too much!" So mentally, I've now put, "Nope, I don't like that, I don't like that." And so now I've nitpicked, and then I've missed out on opportunities because of that.
And so I think that it's just important to have people say around you when it comes to dating, period. But how to navigate that is this constant kind of check, like what married people do. You have to constantly check your heart of what your motive is in going into that and then navigate that in a way that is discerning.
Talk to some friends so they can say, "Hey, you're swiping too much! We didn't even give this person a chance!" Things seemed to line up, but it was like this little bitty thing that you wouldn't even try.
So that's what happens.
You're giving people too many chances. Like, you're giving a chance to everybody. Like, you also have to—are you going to settle down or no?
No, I'm not giving people chances! Like, it's like you—like I'm saying just people. I wasn't talking about just you.
Not talking about just you!
No, like some people do that, you know? Like, "Well, I'm just going to be open and just say yes to everybody."
Yeah, so I have a past of meeting most of my friends on social media, specifically Instagram. And so I've also met other past partners on Instagram.
And I think one of the biggest things that's honestly dangerous for me was that, one, there is this glamorous picture of what a Christian dating relationship looks like or a Christ-centered relationship looks like, even with marriage.
And so that left more room for me to idolize that and want that. And so what I noticed and what God shared with me was that I was trying to make up what my Christ-centered relationship would look like. I could pick who I want; I can tell them this, tell them that, right?
And so what's so funny is I thought that I was going to meet my person on social media, and I didn't. So I think it was so funny how God turned my whole life around.
But it's just interesting that God was like, "No," because you were trying to create your next stage, your next life. And so for me, you just have to be careful is what I'll say for the advice. You have to be careful, but you also have to leave room to listen to what the Holy Spirit is saying.
Because a lot of times we ignore the Holy Spirit and then just create our own life and create our own image of what a Christ-centered relationship looks like.
So please be careful.
Yeah, I like that.
So I want everybody's cooperation, so I want to see your phones out because we have another poll. Are you ready? Is Cheesecake Factory a good first date?
Yes!
Yay! It's your— I love the Cheesecake Factory! Some people be hating; I don't know.
It sure is!
Let's see the poll! Let's see the poll! Let's see what we say! Yes or no?
Yes!
Who said no? We can go to the Cheesecake Factory!
It's not our first date, but see, we had tacos at like a random person's house, so that Cheesecake Factory is a big step up!
Big step up!
So I have another question from the audience, and I want to ask this to Matt and Christine. It says, "What does it look like to date as a Christian person?"
As a single Christian, it says, but you know, it's a Christian person. What does it look like to date?
Um, well, that's actually a great question because it's a very loaded question.
First and foremost, you have an accountability partner in all things, like in all things in your relationship with Christ, right? She's slacking; I let her know if I'm slacking. She'll let me know.
We pray together; we worship together; we read the word and, you know, discuss the word together. Anytime God gives us revelation, we talk about it. Anytime we get a dream, we talk about it.
So it does help because it holds you accountable to the things God is saying to you.
Secondly, it's someone to grow with because I didn't realize there are certain deficiencies that you will not know that you have until you're in a relationship. And once those things pop up, you have someone to work it through.
And honestly, it'll test your patience. It'll test your patience a whole lot, a whole lot, a whole lot, a whole lot.
Trying to stay in a healthy area, trying to continue to stay within God's grace and staying obedient to God while also trying to bear each other's burdens, you know, trying to hope for the best for each other and believe for the best in each other.
It's definitely a work in progress. You're always going to be a work in progress. You're never going to stop learning the other person because if they're following Christ, they're always going to be evolving, right?
They're always going to be changing; they're always going to become better and better and better. So you're going to continue to learn a new version of them, and that's how Christ intended it.
But at the end of the day, the most important thing is that she doesn't go above Christ, right? She doesn't go above the one, the first love that I have in my life.
So once you establish that, everything else becomes a lot easier.
Yeah, and to add on to that, something that I was introduced to, I believe here, someone told me, some pastor here, so shout out to you all, U, but I was introduced to the triangle.
So if you imagine a triangle, God being at the top, you being at the bottom, and your partner being on the other end, and knowing that in order to grow and get to know your person, you have to most importantly have a relationship with Christ.
And so there are some days where maybe sometimes Matt would definitely keep me accountable and be like, "Yeah, what's going on there?" And I'm like, "Uh, nothing."
And I can't lie because we have the Holy Spirit in our relationship. And so that's the other thing. I think that's what's beautiful about being in a Christ-centered relationship.
That's different than a worldly relationship is that the Holy Spirit is at the center. And so in times where maybe we'll have a discussion, maybe I have something to say, and he has something to share, the Holy Spirit stops us, not us, right?
Because we'll keep going and going and going. And so what I love about having a Christ-centered relationship is making sure that God is first and that God is at the center of all things.
That's actually something I do want to talk about. You can't hide nothing in a God-centered relationship. You really can't, especially someone who is sensitive to the Holy Spirit. They'll know.
They don't know; they're just waiting for you to be honest about it, right? They're being patient so that you can bring it to the table. Otherwise, they're going to call you out if it takes too long, right?
So there's no hiding. So like one of the things that I pride myself in is being honest, right? And not being brutally honest, not being bluntly honest, but being honest with patience, honest with kindness, right?
Honest but with truth. So that is one thing that you will have to do. You'll have to learn how to be honest about who you are, where you are, what's going on with you.
It doesn't matter how broken you are; you're going to have to be honest about it, right? It doesn't matter what traumas you have; you're going to have to be honest about it. You're going to have to bring it to the table.
And we were actually talking about this last night that, you know, just imagine yourself with a cup full of broken glass, and you know those are all the broken pieces of you, and you got to just throw them out on the table and just point them all out like, "This is who I am."
And the other person is going to help you turn that into a mosaic. That's how it works.
So yeah, and I like that you touched on being able to talk about the broken pieces, you know, in your life, and then that you're talking about how it is not about necessarily fixing you; it's helping you to be a mosaic that is a beautiful picture.
And I have a question that really goes with that. It says, "How do you navigate past negative or even traumatic experiences, either yours or theirs, with your partner?"
I don't want to harden the discussion.
Hey, Sue, she's being quiet back there, and she's a wise woman.
Um, okay, let's see. So let's go back to the text, right? The word tells us that we have to be 100% in Romans 14. Check me, guys. We give mind, body, and soul to the Lord—all to Him, everything.
We are a living sacrifice. So that in itself—and as you were asking me this question, I was thinking, okay, if I have to share parts of myself that I don't like and they're ugly and trauma and hurt, and you could say ex-boyfriends and family generations that have been behind me, some of that is messy too, guys.
And so sharing that with someone else, you're scared, and it's scary to say, "Oh my goodness, like I finally met this great guy. What is he going to think about me?"
But it's so important to know that if you really give your mind, body, and soul to the Lord, you're also giving your agenda, your desires, and your plan.
And so if you really trust in the Lord with your full heart, with your full soul and mind and strength, He will provide and grace that man with exactly the words and the things that he needs to help you be a helper for him.
So the man is the leader, and the woman is the helper, and we are virtuous. We are graced; we are beautiful.
And so in order for us, as—and I'm speaking as a woman, right?—in order for a woman to fully be equipped, I have to be transparent with who may potentially be my other half.
So in this single perspective, that's something that I would definitely advise people, but also to be cautious of the timing.
So for instance, there's dating, and then wait, before that, there's friendship, and then there's dating, and then from dating, I strongly believe in courting, which is kind of telling your mentors and your pastors and their parents and your parents, knowing like, "Hey, this might happen, guys. Like we're actually really talking about this."
Do premarital counseling and then getting married. That is something that is not very common nowadays.
But not everything that's fast is good for you. Some fast food is good, and it's fast, but it's not good for you.
So I would rather prolong a season of dating and have them really know me as my character and then know, you know, in between those weaves the parts of me that are hard for me to even express out loud.
I would also say you have to be mindful as far as the person helping the other person with trauma.
I'm here to help you and love you through, but I'm not here to pay for the things that someone else did.
That's good!
Yeah, because a lot of times, especially as a man, we want to take on all of the things for our lady, and we just feel so defeated sometimes because it's not on us to pay because we didn't do it.
It's on us to love them and help them and guide them through the strength through God, but it's not on us to pay for what someone else did.
So that's good! That was a gem right there!
Yes!
So we have another public question, and it says, "If you see someone in church you are interested in, what's the appropriate way to let them know? Do you hold hands when you're praying? How did you guys go about this? Like, do you just wink at each other? Serve on the same team? What do you do?"
I'm a snitch on her.
Um, last year, First Love, what she said was, "Don't leave without saying hi." She texted me; she said, "Don't leave here without saying hi." And I was like, "All right."
But honestly, the whole process was very patient. I mean, we knew it was there. It was more so we're just trying to wait on God to say, "This is okay."
Because otherwise, I'm not about to waste her time, and I'm not about to waste mine. Plus, at that point, she can vouch, I was so hard on following God, and I was so good on being in a relationship that I wasn't trying to do that.
I was okay with being friends, and I think that's something that we have to be okay with is being friends with someone that we do like so that we can get to know each other and wait on God's timing because God's timing is the most important thing—the absolute most important thing.
So that's what I would encourage those who see somebody in church and you like them. Take—be patient! Be patient! God's grace is sufficient; you can endure that.
I would also like to say that I've shared with others that I've been bold. I was bold enough to approach him.
So it's okay for ladies to be bold! Now, did I say, "Let's go on a date?" I absolutely did not.
But even when we first met, I just said, "Like, why? Hi! Why are you here?" Because that's how upfront I could be at times.
And so first, I just want to say yes, like it's okay for ladies to be bold. But the other thing too is that what's so important about meeting your partner or your future spouse at church is that what's great is that you can be friends with them.
I think we were friends for a while, probably like 2-3 months.
*Applause*
No, because what was so funny was so funny! Love on the earth! It was a different series last year, and so I remember it was a dating series. We were talking about singleness, and I believe it was the week of M—the week that we were discussing about marriage.
Pastor S, and I will never forget, I wrote on my notes, and I prayed a prayer. I was like, "God, I feel something here, and I need to know if it's me or if it's you."
And I was like, "Yeah, God, so I like this guy, but I won't move unless you tell me to."
And towards the end of the service, we serve at Life Students, so I saw him. He knew something was wrong, and he's like, "What's up?"
"Nothing, nothing, nothing's fine. Everything's great!"
And I kept it in. He knew something was wrong. Later that day, you know, he asked, "What's wrong?"
And I did text him too before we talked on the phone, and he said, "So how do you feel about the series?" He was like, "Guys, my to date! See, you had to come to church!"
Yeah, he was like, "God's not telling me to date." I was like, "Oh, okay, well, God, well, okay, that's not it. Okay."
And then that night, he's like, "You're holding something back. You're holding something back." I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
I knew what he was talking about, and so I actually confessed to him that I had a crush on him, but I was like, "But I'm not moving until it's God."
And so what's so funny was that he was so not paying attention to me, and it's okay.
But what's most important is that we were able to build a friendship, and I don't think I would ever do it any other way because you get to know the person for who they are versus presenting yourself as a great candidate, right?
And so I think it's so great is that being a friend with someone is that you could just see them when they're sad, when they're happy, right? You don't have to always look good just to attract someone.
It's going to be there. Like, if God said it, it will be so.
I would also like to say, because she's not going to make it seem like I was just ignoring her, by that time that she had told me, God had already told me she was my wife.
God had already told me full-blown dream, and I woke up upset because it was that jarring. I was like, "Lord, really? Like, now?"
But it was funny. I'm not going to lie; it was funny. But at the end of the day, the Lord told me, and because the Lord told me, I was okay with being around, being that friend.
Otherwise, I would have just kept her at arm's length, but I was able to let her in. So when she finally told me that she had a crush, I was finally released to tell her what God had told me.
And from there, it was confirmation after confirmation after confirmation. It was just, you know, that's just kind of how it happened.
So, and for whoever asked this question, I just have to say you can see Brent at the end of service. He has all kinds of Christian pickup lines. He will help you out!
You know, like, "I was reading the book of Numbers, and I realized I don't have yours."
Stuff like that!
Just see him after service; he can help you.
But with this, you touched on the fact that you knew that God had told you that she was going to be your wife, and we have a question from somebody here, and it says, "What do you guys think about that 'God said you my spouse' epidemic?"
Because a lot of people just go around saying, "God told me it's us."
Yeah, I actually don't like that epidemic at all because there's a difference between a call and a commissioning.
And just because He told you doesn't mean it's time yet. Just because He told you doesn't mean that you tell that person.
There's time that has to be had, and there's sensitivity that has to be had to what He's doing.
And when she told me, I asked God first. She can vouch. I took a minute, and I was like, "Okay, Lord, can I tell her what you told me?" And He said yes.
And from there, I said something. So you do have to be patient with whatever God gives you.
Also, make sure it's God because He's going to give you confirmation. He's not just going to tell you and leave you in the weeds. He's going to give you confirmation.
That's good!
I think also because it's one of the biggest decisions that you're going to make in your life, that is important. Like, as believers, our church is prophetic.
If you're in those types of spaces, be really careful with the prophetic words. And so sometimes I think people move quicker because of what they've been told.
And so even if the Lord gave you something to share for someone, I would say, "Holy Spirit, is that something you want me to deliver or to pray about?"
Because I just know many people that have had many prophetic words and become and point that to the Lord, and in His own timing, God could do something.
And I mean, we joke about Dennis Kramer; he gives you a prophetic word, and it's like for 15 years later!
Like, um, and so that can be the case. But just, I would just say, like, as just an opportunity to get to share this to a church, to just be careful with that.
Because there's just a lot that comes with that on the other end of, say, someone coming to someone and saying, "The Lord told me that you're my spouse."
But also, I'm being careful as prayer people or prophetic people or the word of knowledge that we're—because that is someone's most important decision that they will make.
It's really important that the Lord confirms and shows.
I have another question from somebody here, and it says, "How do you not lose hope when you're almost 50 but still single?"
And it may be like not necessarily 50 for some people; some people might be 20, some people might be 30, but some people are probably 40 and still not gotten a desire.
I have a simple answer. I'm a guy of short words.
God's promises are yes and amen. That's it!
If He told you that He's going to give you a spouse, continue to believe His word because God has the final word. He has the final say.
So I think even on the practical side, when you are 50 plus, because those ages—yes, 20s, 30s, 40s—but I think it's important to just look for good love stories to give you hope.
There are a lot of people that have had and gotten married in their 60s. Someone like at the church just like called a couple maybe two months ago, and they were getting married; they were like in their 70s!
Like, and so when it's hard, I would say just look for opportunities to fight for hope because that is something as believers that you have to continue to pursue.
You have to fight for hope; you have to fight to keep joy. So look for that.
Another question that we have from the public, it says, "How does one know if they are meant to be single and not married? And what recommendations do you have for anyone who feels they are meant to be single forever?"
You married to God! That's the best spouse possible! Point blank, period!
Right? Like, I won't say that God said it was not good for man to be alone, but Paul also says that you should, if you can, if you can stand it, do it because you're able to follow Christ with all your heart.
And you see throughout the entire Bible there are people who were single, but the costs that they had were so grand they had to be, right?
So not everybody is going to have a spouse when they pass, but those who do know that there's a grace and a mercy on your life that you're able to achieve something that I won't be able to achieve, that we won't be able to achieve if we do end up with a spouse because now you're tied to something else.
Now you have a first ministry, but when you're by yourself, your first ministry is God's ministry.
So there is something different on you that you can do, and that alone should encourage you because once you follow Christ with all your heart, He starts to show you these things that He wants you to do.
He starts to build you up so that you're capable of doing them, and then in your weakness, right, His power is made perfect, right?
So now other people are seeing Christ in you. That should be the most encouraging thing possible.
So yeah, don't lose hope in that.
I have to add one thing real quick. I 100% agree with that, but also if you are going to be single, that means you will not be having covenant benefits.
Come on!
It is so important for us to get one thing clear. If you are called to be single, that's great! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
We need more women and men that are 100% committed to the ministry, and the Lord understands exactly the way you are wired.
You don't have to explain yourself to other people as to why you're single and why your time hasn't come yet and XYZ.
But we have to remember that if you are single, you won't be having covenant benefits because covenant benefits of sex and XYZ, which happens among marriage, is for marriage.
So just throwing that out there to those that want to be single.
I like that!
I like that!
A woman of God is speaking back here! Like, I'm telling you, this is good!
So I think that we already talked about this, but why do you think the church emphasizes married life and not celebrate singleness more?
I don't want—please say idolatry!
We idolize marriage! That's just 100% fact!
Because at the end of the day, we are still human. We still want to be able to get married.
But there's another thing: we don't want to commit sexual acts outside of marriage, and we know we all have those desires.
So what do we want to do instead? Make sure we get married so we can fulfill our desires.
And that's something that is huge! It's huge because now we're moving outside of what God wants, right?
Now our desires are skewed; our mental capacity is skewed, and now we're looking at marriage like, "Oh, I want that!"
Right? I want that when in reality a lot of people aren't ready to love another person. They're not!
They don't know how to love God, and they don't love themselves. How can you love someone else?
So yeah, at the end of the day, we need to stop. We do need to stop idolizing marriage.
Yes, marriage is important. Yes, marriage is amazing. I grew up in a wonderful household with a very healthy relationship, you know?
But at the end of the day, if you're single, you're fine! You're in a place where you can freely follow God with all of your heart.
Do that! Do that! Let Him change you! Let Him grow you! And when you follow God, you'll get to a place where you look up, and He has something for you, right?
Stop looking at His hand and look at His face!
I like that!
So when you are single, how much of yourself or your time should you still give to God?
Can you repeat the question?
When you are single, how much of yourself or time are you still giving to God?
You give all of it! I mean, even if you are married or not, all of your time should go on to the Lord.
But being transparent with you, being single does not mean that you have to hyper-fixate everything that you do with, "Oh, is this going to be my potential husband or is this going to be this?"
And that's not living life!
I strongly believe that if you're single and you truly give your full heart to the Lord, then that is when you actually live in freedom, and you actually get to experience what true joy is.
And not having the expectation of having a prince charming, like in the Disney movies, coming and rescuing you.
And so singleness should not be viewed as, "Oh, I am preparing myself for that time." Singleness should be that time.
I like that!
So it is not just because then you're still thinking about the end product being marriage instead of the end product being just closeness to God.
I love that!
So why do you think that there are typically more single women than men in church?
Purity!
She—ooh! Like, I get excited every time that she—ooh! After that question!
Um, I was going to say purity. So a lot of—okay, I'm going to be really, really, really real and raw, and I had permission from Pastor Brent to be real and raw.
A lot of men would prefer to explore around without commitment before being committed, and a lot of women—and don't take me wrong; there are women too that are like that.
That's why I had to say if you're going to be single, make sure you can be single, but you're not going to get covenant benefits.
Same thing for women.
It is—it’s in some cases, we as women, we hunger so much for the "I do" that we want to make sure that we are the picture-perfect person that we can be before even meeting the person, the potential person.
And so in a way, purity has a lot to do with it. There are a lot of men who would rather, "Oh, I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm not serious yet," and then they wait until later.
And yet there are some women who they're raised in the church, and they have been instructed even through—you could say legalism, depending on which church you came from—with modesty, the way you dress, the way you talk, be careful when you do this, don't provoke XYZ.
But oftentimes, we exclude men from that criteria.
So it can be hard at times to evenly balance male and female purity standards.
*Clap it up!* That was good!
Um, I would actually say that there is a self-control epidemic in men right now.
There are so many men out in the world doing whatever they want to do because they feel as though they can and then still expect, you know, women to be pure when they come across them, and that's absolutely insane!
Absolutely insane!
So personally, I will say in my experience, you don't last long as a single man hungering for God in the church.
I will be real about that.
And not even—not even like due to Christine, because Christine had an advocate, but in regards to women, will come up to you.
You know, you will be like the "ooh" and "awe" of a lot of gazes, and that's something that it's okay; that's fine.
But if you don't have the self-control, you won't stay single for that long.
That's just kind of how men are wired, right?
But you're either going to end up in a relationship or you're going to fall, and now you and someone else have a sexual immorality problem inside the church.
So there is a self-control epidemic. At the end of the day, like men need to come back to the church, and they need to come back to Christ.
And that's something that I've been trying to tell my homies for a very long time, but it's really the first thing because the church can't stand the way it's supposed to if men aren't doing what they're supposed to.
That's right! That is 100% correct!
Yeah, I also wanted to say I was in like a conversation a couple—like last year—and I would hear women, because I was one, where the men—where are the men at church? Where are they?
And so I was having this conversation with multiple people, and one of the things that we talked about was like, "Okay, if there are men in the church, then why aren't they approaching women? Why do women have to approach men?"
And something that me and Matt talked about was the importance of discipleship for men, that it's needed, especially in their role in marriage.
And so what I find interesting is that there's like many women conferences, many women groups for Christian women, but for men, it's like dark corners. Where they at?
Right?
And so it's like, I—and of course, men can vouch for this on the panel, but I wonder what would the church look like if we had more spaces for men? Would they come up forward to women, right?
Like, because I think a lot of times men don't know how to approach a Christian woman, right? They can't do what they did in the world.
You got to do it a lot differently.
Um, and so it's like, what if the men—it's not that they may not be attracted to a woman; it's like, "I just don't know what to say because I've lived a life that's unsaved, and that's totally different than what it means to be saved in Christ."
That's good!
That is why it's so important for us to not do life alone. You know, you need a group of people that can stand next to you and show you, you know?
And it is so important to have that multigenerational relationships because if all you have is the relationship with people that are your age, you don't have the benefits of the wisdom of somebody that has already been there, or you don't have the privilege of showing somebody else how can it be done.
So it is very, very important to not just stick to your five, you know, but expand your horizons and see what God wants to do and what God wants to teach.
And I would like to know, is there such a thing as too fast in Christian dating?
M's over there like having the shakes already!
100%! 100%!
Um, again, this kind of goes back to God's timing thing. Like, there is indeed such a thing as too fast because as soon as you move outside of God's timing, as soon as you move outside of God's grace and His power, you will endure hardship immediately because now His protection—you walked right out of it and was like, "No, I want to get here."
And it's like you weren't ready for here, and now you have to sit there and cultivate a situation by yourself while God's like, "I'm still where you were supposed to be."
You know?
And I believe that a lot of people end up in relationships too fast, end up in marriages too fast, and now for the first, like, five years of their life, they don't know what marriage is supposed to look like, you know?
And that makes it a lot harder on them.
Um, they start to miss being single or start to miss when they were just dating, you know, and stuff like that, and that's not fair.
But it's also kind of your fault because it wasn't time yet; you weren't ready for it.
I also wanted to say what I think is so interesting, and I know in many households when you ever you go to like a family reunion or family get-together, and either you're single or in a relationship, the first thing that Uncle Mama Auntie is going to say is, "So who's your boyfriend now?"
Or they say to us, "So when you going to get married?"
Right?
And I know it's coming from a place of love. I think that also makes us pressured to go too fast.
It's like, "Oh, now I got to get in a relationship because my mom, my aunt, my brother, and my sister ask me where my boyfriend is."
And so it's just what I would say is to just be careful not to be one of the contributors to wanting us to go too fast.
I love how Matt said in God's timing because that is not numerical.
And so there are a lot of healthy marriages out here that I've heard, like, "We dated and we got married in six months."
And so there are some—they've just been dating for five years, and they're still not ready.
So in the timing of God, but say if things go really fast or either way in reference to numerical accountability and getting mentored and people around you so that if things are like, "Man, God is moving really fast in this," let me get some people around me—not a whole lot, not a whole lot of voices—but let me get some people that I can trust that will be honest, that will guide me, that I can be 100% honest with where I'm at.
So that I'm not having blinders up, like getting some premarital counseling as soon as you can, getting some mentors, young, old, in between, everybody.
Yes, that's good!
And we only have time for one last question, and I would like to know what kind of advice do you give to somebody that is here today that is single and wants to live for God? What will you say to them?
What I would say to you is being single as a Christian and wanting to be close to God, you have to always keep your ear to the Holy Spirit for guidance.
Because being single and Christian is not an easy task. Your flesh is always trying you; the devil is always trying you.
So keeping your ear close to God, and as we said before, sticking close to people who love God that are single, that are married, that are divorced, having that group of people around you with different experiences to help you through your singleness is also helpful.
Anybody else?
Yeah, I would just say two things. First and foremost, read your word. Really, really study it. Don't just read it; study it!
You know, understand the cross-references, understand what words mean, understand what God is trying to say to you in it.
And then, yes, I would actually stress the importance of being in a church—not just a community, being in a full-blown church as well as a community.
When you look at how lions or other predators, you know, they hunt, they look for the one stray, right? They look for the one that's outside the herd, and they always go for the youngest one if they can because it's easy, right?
So those who are young in faith, those who might be older in faith but, you know, they kind of fragile, those who feel as though, you know, they're prideful in their faith, make sure you stay connected because the devil is seeking.
He is definitely seeking, and he's going to catch you if you are lacking.
And you don't want to do that. Trust me, you don't want to do that.
So yeah, that's good!
God sees you! God sees you!
And so I think is that hear that voice over and over again, even when you feel abandoned or disappointed, that God sees you all the time.
And I would say just as we get this unction to like pray for married couples because they're under attack, like please pray for singles because it's really the same.
Like, singles are under attack all the time. Like, things are getting freer and freer.
So just know that you are not like—God sees you!
I love that!
Did we give it up for our panel? Did you receive today? Was this a good conversation?
Like, I just want to say thank you so much for all your vulnerability and your wisdom. You have helped many.
And I just really want to echo those last words that Tiffany said: God sees you! You know, you are not half of a person; you are complete in Christ.
So you are not waiting for somebody else to come and make you whole because that person already did, and it's Jesus.
So you can be whole today knowing that Jesus has already paid the price for you to be whole.
So thank you so much, everybody! Thank you for all of your wisdom and for sharing from your heart.
And I just want—as we close the service today, I just want to remind you that out there in the lobby, you will be able to sign up for life groups.
We're going to be starting with the "Like Jesus" life group series next week, and you don't want to miss this one.
We are all going to go through the same thing together because we all want to not just be followers, but we want to be disciples of Jesus.
And a disciple is someone who knows what the master is like and does the same.
So that's what we're going to be focusing on for the next six weeks, and it's going to be a powerful time.
So I want to encourage you to sign up for a life group in the lobby.
Also, Life University is starting up again in March. You don't want to miss that! If you want to grow deeper in your faith, Life University is for you.
And I just want to let you know there's one class that is going to be amazing, and that is the class that Ari and myself are going to be teaching.
So you want to be a part of the Balance Life class, but there are other ones that are going to be equally awesome.
So make sure that you sign up for that so that you can deepen your faith. That is going to be happening on Tuesday nights at the end—no, in the beginning of March.
So make sure that you do that.
And now, if you are ready for the blessing, you can stand up, and we're going to be asking the altar team to come to the front.
And if you have any need for prayer, they will be here in the front, and it will be our privilege to be able to pray for you.
So if you're ready, now may the Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you.
The Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.
In Jesus' name, amen!
We will see you! Thank you, guys! Thank you!
on Mar 10, 2024
