Unle until you until you're married. Wow, that's a different result from last service. You are a little more hardcore. You're like, "No, we're signing papers, we say 'I do,' then we're married."
Okay, so we're going to start this conversation. Are you ready?
Let's go.
Yes, let's go.
So, what is a benefit of being single that people often overlook?
That's for anyone. You don't have to spend so much money.
Hello, testing? No? Hello?
Hello?
You don't have to spend so much time. That's what she said. Money, you know, spend a lot of money.
Okay, do we have audio for everybody? One, two, three. Hello, hello, testing? No? Hello?
Here we go! Woo, we're getting hot.
Okay, right. So, you don't have to spend as much money. I'll say that. I was—oh wow, I'm really out there.
Okay, they want to hear you.
Right. I will say one of the benefits of being single is getting time to spend with God individually and then also getting time to spend with yourself individually. Because if you don't know who you are as an individual, it makes it that much harder to find your significant other. Because if you don't know who you are, how can you say that this person is compatible to a person that you don't even know, which is yourself?
That's good.
The spontaneity that you can have when you're single is very different than when you're married. You want to take a flight to Paris tomorrow? Sure! Well, if you have the money. But that type of stuff, of just wanting to hang out, you don't have to let me check with a babysitter or my spouse. You can just go when you can.
Yeah, I know that firsthand. We're like, "Let's do—uh, we have three kids and two dogs." Let's not.
So that is all true. But we're going to go with the first question that a lot of people here want to know: Where should I go to meet Christian singles?
Church! It's the first place that you think of when you think of God. You know, that's where we all congregate to worship, to learn, to grow as individuals, to grow as Christians. So yeah, it would stand to reason that that's the first place you're going to go.
And to be honest, if you're finding Christian singles who aren't connected to a church, they're probably not Christian singles who are growing how they should. So it would stand to reason if you want a good Christian partner, the first place you should look is where all of us go to congregate.
Yeah, I will also say—not just church service, of course, but also those church groups. Jason Parks paid me to say this, but—
But is he going to give you a ride in his Tesla?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But life groups, life groups, and even just groups in general, volunteering—that's how you can find single Christians in the church and get to know them on a deeper level.
Even social interest groups. Just being honest, because this is the suburbs, I intentionally live in the city. I'm an extrovert. The probability is very different.
And so this church is a lot of families. I'm not going to say raise your hand if you're single, but the reality is that it's a little more challenging. So if it's not necessarily specifically in the brick and mortar of your church, don't leave your church, but you can also find a different community that kind of gives you more probability than somewhere else.
Yeah, and I also wanted to add that I think it's interesting that some men of God and some women of God say, "You know, I'm out here looking for my man or my woman of God," but they go to the wrong places.
So like, how would you expect to meet a woman of God at the club? It's like, it's not going to work. So it's like, be mindful of the communities and the spaces and the people that you are connected to or who you want to connect with because you're going to get where you are.
So if you go to the club expecting a woman of God, let's be serious and let's be real—she's not going to be in her word. I'm just saying.
You know, like I think that everybody said some sort of church, but I have another question from our audience that says, "Are there single men at church? Like, where you at?"
Right? Like, did you see who was—don't make me have you raise your hand because it's just very different.
So you asked us in the last service, you know, why aren't there as many Christian men within the church? And so I think that says a lot of why it's kind of hard to find single, available Christian men in the church.
Yeah, well, you're here, so the answer is yes.
My experience dating in the church, though, is interesting. We talked about it in the last service, but the pressure of dating inside of the church is real. Because when you start dating in the church, everybody you date for a week, and everybody's like, "So when y'all getting married? When y'all having babies?"
So as a man dating in the church, I'm just going to be honest, it kind of makes me apprehensive almost, especially dating inside of my church. Because if things don't work out, then it makes things awkward most of the time.
So yeah, that's my take on it.
Just to kind of bounce off what he was saying, you know, there is a trope of young men not being in the church. However, it's not necessarily true. It is to a certain degree. Don't get me wrong. I do feel as though—we talked about this last service—I do feel as though there is a self-control epidemic in young men, and it has them out in the world seeking their fleshly desires and then coming to the church and expecting women of virtue. But that's not how that works, right?
But on the flip side, there are men who, like Dom said, experience a lot of pressure to date. You know, you hear a lot like, "Oh, you're not dating anyone?" And then when you are dating someone, it's like, "Oh, when are you getting married?"
And frankly, as someone who is dating in the church, unless you're discipling me, I don't need you all up in my business. I don't need you pressuring me to sit here and say, "Oh, when y'all getting married?"
Because at the end of the day, yes, that is the end goal. However, I'm waiting on God's timing. I'm waiting on when I should do this, not just if I should do this.
And something that I said in the last service, there's also this conversation that I know some women of God who say, "Well, why aren't men approaching me?" Right?
So it's like, I see the men. I see that they're single, but why aren't they approaching me? And something that I said in the last service is what's interesting too is that in some churches, in some spaces, you see a lot of women conferences. We see a lot of life groups for women or community groups for women or events for women of God.
But if we're going to say, "Where are the men of God?" and ask that question, it's like they also deserve a space as well. And so it's like, how is a man going to come and know how to approach a woman through God if they don't know?
Right? If they lived a life of sin and then they come to the church and they may see a woman that is beautiful, and maybe the Holy Spirit may say something or didn't say anything, but it's like, how is a man supposed to know?
So it's also too, it's like what I would love to see are spaces for men so that they can learn what it means to lead a home, what it means to speak right, and what it means to prophesy, what it means to learn what it means to be in your word.
And then we can have the conversation of why women or why men, you know, can't approach. But let's see that first.
I'm going to jump in real quick. All of this, 100% agree with. However, it's very important, especially for women and for men too, but predominantly for women—we're very sensitive creatures—to not idolize going to church to find a mate.
That is not why you go to church. And I think we need to understand that right away before even thinking of dating someone. I'm not going to get ready to go to church, make sure I look cute in the second row, and when he walks by, flip my hair. That's not how it works.
Because then you're wasting time. One, two, you're a fool because you know better than that. And when you know the word, you can't say you didn't know the truth because you knew it.
And three, you're hurting and prolonging seasons of singleness because you know what is right.
And this can be kind of controversial, but if I am a woman of God and I'm coming to church expecting the Lord to bring me a man, that's not reverence or respecting His holiness. That's me demanding.
So we need to be really careful with how we approach church. We need to be careful as women what we wear to church because, mm-hmm.
And I'm not promoting legalism. That's not what CLC stands for. However, I am saying that there's so much more to your spiritual life than idolizing the "I do" when you already have the "I do" of being the bride of the church.
Come on now!
Like, I think that we can all leave and we all got something good, right? Are you warmed up now? Like, you feel like that was good? Like, you had one service already.
So we're going to go—we're going to end. Are you ready?
Okay, I have two questions that I'm kind of going to merge together.
Okay, the first one says, "How do we store the desire for sex, which is God's invention, when in an extended season of singleness?"
And I'm going to pair that with, "What are practical ways to handle the natural sexual desires that both men and women have?" Emphasis on practical.
That's good.
Okay, can you repeat just the beginning part one more time?
What are the practical ways to handle the natural sexual desires that both men and women have?
Okay, um, well, practically, we know ourselves. And in the season of dating, we know what our triggers are.
I'm just going to be open and honest. So we know if she touches me right here, we may not be six inches away.
Inviting Jesus, the Holy Spirit, right?
Exactly, exactly.
So knowing your boundaries is a practical way because I know for myself, sitting in the car too long, we can't do that. Because I know that if we sit in this car too long, we're going to get all lovey-dovey and things may happen that are not of God.
So, norm boundaries.
I was going to say real quick, last service I said, if you're single, you don't have Kingdom Covenant privileges. In other words, if you're single, you can't have sex. Like, that's fact. That's on the Bible. I mean, quote me, it's in there.
However, it's also important to know, like what Dom was saying for women too, even if a guy smiles at you, that doesn't mean that he wants to marry you.
We need to know our self-esteem. And we need—if you don't know who you are and you see everyone as a possible eye candy, if that makes any sense, that's a heart issue.
We're very quick to point fingers at people, but we're very not quick enough to point fingers at ourselves to see what boundaries and what things we need to address that may be a really big heart issue.
Not everyone that smiles at you, not everyone that gives you a hug is doing it with malicious intent. Sometimes it's the way we format stuff in our mind and how the world has given us this dirtiness and ickiness of sexuality.
Just to kind of piggyback off of what Don was talking about, there's a certain thing that I absolutely love to practice called self-control.
And when you know your boundaries, if you still don't have self-control, those boundaries don't matter because you're going to cross them anyway.
So what you should do is set up disciplines or walls before you even get to those boundaries. Set up practices that keep you from even getting close to those boundaries.
And that is what's going to kind of keep you from what the Bible calls the snares of death, right? The fear of the Lord is the snares of death. If I'm fearing the Lord, I'm revering Him. It's because I want to be close to Him. I don't want to leave Him.
And guess what? God is way far away from where the boundary is, right? So you need to stick as close to God and as close to what He wants as possible.
So one thing that practically we do is we're never alone. And if we're ever alone, it's not for long.
It's not for long because I know I live the life. I know exactly what I'm capable of, and I know exactly how I can manipulate a situation.
And I wouldn't ever want to do that to her, nor to me, nor to God. That's the first thing.
So because of that, it is very mandatory and very necessary that you set up disciplines that keep you from even getting close to those boundaries in the first place.
So I'll give practical ones that I know. So like curfews. If you know by 11 o'clock you're sleepy and you also start thinking other things, you should leave before that time, right?
And versus that time itself. Another thing is also knowing your boundaries, right? But communicating them.
So not just keeping it to yourself, not keeping it to your friends. Because when you're in the room with someone that you know you're dating, if they don't know, then how can we help each other, right?
And so communicating your boundaries as well and being really honest—being really honest about that and honest with yourself. So that's definitely really important.
One more?
And all those things, I think also, as you get older, I think the identification part helps too. Because sometimes you don't know until you're up against it.
So you could think you are strong and all that stuff, but you've never dated before. Then you get with someone and they're kind of fine, and it's like, "Oh man!"
And so then you're feeling your body have all these reactions. And if you don't have a clear understanding, you will think all of it is sin.
And so one, it is natural if your body feels something. And I think that part, like a lot of Christians—I can specifically say for girls, like teen girls and women—sometimes when you don't understand the difference between sensuality and then sexuality and then just feelings, you will put all of it as sin.
But congratulations! If your body responds, you know what? I like that. That is something that God naturally gave you.
But learning how to first identify your body to then, okay, how those practical steps. But if you think everything is sin, then you will walk in shame about everything, and you will not discover yourself and how you are wired.
And it has nothing to do with, say, like masturbation, but just the basics of how your body was made by God. You will just rid all of it, and you will say, "Well, my husband is supposed to self-discover." That's not fair!
Like, God told you to steward yourself.
So just the differences of, as you get older, learning early on, like everything is not sin. Have your boundaries, have the practicality, but God also made us as sexual beings.
So you touched on something that I was actually about to ask. What about if you don't have a personal person, right? You don't have a boyfriend, you don't have a girlfriend, but you have plenty of time at home alone.
How do you manage? How do you manage practically to keep a God-honoring sexual life when you're alone? Like, you're not having sex with a person.
Yes, so just to kind of touch on that, one thing that I used to—I used to suffer from that, right? When you get free from sexual immorality in such a heavy level, and most of my men understand exactly what I'm talking about. It's all over the Internet. You can access it anywhere.
When you come from that and you're finally free from that, your body does not respond. It's like having withdrawals, right?
Like, it's going from having an addiction to having withdrawals. And the only way that I found that you can truly negate it is by spending time with the Lord, right?
The more time you spend with the Lord, the more your flesh dies. And that's the only way you're going to actually defeat that.
And I will also say having accountability partners. I have a lot of men in my life that I go to for help in those areas, especially when I feel like my flesh is getting weak.
Being able to talk to them and them giving me some encouragement, I think that really helps out as well.
In those moments, calling them right away. Not waiting until the next day. Calling them right away in those moments helps.
Yeah, and even confessing after, you know?
Yeah, like confessing to them and, of course, to God most importantly, but confessing to them. Because in the next time, you'll say, "Oh, you know, I'm about to be by—" for example, "I'm about to be by myself for hours."
And then they say, "Wait, hold on! Remember last time?" You know? So they can check you.
Right, that's good.
So I'm going to merge another two questions together. See, I'm going to be doing that because we have a lot of questions. You all want to know a lot of things, and I love that.
But that means that we're going to have to condense them. And wherever we don't answer here, we will be talking about in our podcast.
So stay tuned because a lot of the questions that we don't go through today, you will still have answers for.
But the question is this: How do I trust God's timing when I feel ready to be in a relationship right now?
Or the second question that we're going to merge with this: How do I not give up on the idea of marriage when I've waited so long? Does God choose for some to remain single?
Well, for that first part of the question or the first question, I always go when it comes to trust to Proverbs 3: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to our own understanding, but in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct our path."
So if we continue to trust in Him and lean not to what we think we should be, He will guide us through those seasons to where we're supposed to be.
I would also piggyback off of that: Let go of what your idea of your life is supposed to look like. Let it go! Cast it at His feet because His idea is way better, right?
That's number one. Number two, don't lose heart and humble yourself. Truly humble yourself.
Allow God to do what He's going to do. He has never failed. He has not failed in over 5,000 years. You think He’s going to fail now? Like, let's be real about that.
And another thing—yes, He delights in every detail of your life. And if you are to remain single, guess what? He has a whole lot of details He's delighting in. He has a whole lot of things He wants you to do.
And you should focus on that. You should focus on seeking His face, not seeing what's in His hand, right?
Don't idolize what He has. Instead, He should be your only thing that you're idolizing. He should be the only thing that you are truly worshiping, right?
Because we worship with our lives. We worship with our heart. You don't just worship when you come in here and sing. You worship with everything and what you do.
So when you start feeling upset or start feeling like you're ready, that's pride. Trust me, because when you truly are ready, you're not going to feel like it.
That's 100%. When you are truly ready, you don't feel like it because God has finally exposed so many things in you. You're like, "Oh, I'm sinful! Oh, I'm broken!" And He's like, "Now you get it!"
Right?
So understand, a lot of us want to know, can an older person who has never married find love in church?
So many challenges and limited pools of others make dating and marriage limited at an older age. How do I remain hopeful?
And I know that you're all looking very young. You know, we have different ages, but I think that you understand the urge and the desire that can have a person that is in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s.
Yeah, I would first thank you to acknowledge that it is not the same in reference to social pools that it is when you get older.
And so acknowledging that, one, it's not easy. Like, no, it's not easy when you're younger. But also acknowledging, like, it is not easy when you're older to say, "Find that."
And how and where to go. And so one thing that I think is a challenge and twofold is that the times have changed, and even how you meet someone.
But if it's like, if your mindset is, "No, it has to be exactly like this," too, how it was, it could also be hard to even find someone.
So like, if you think that the church—like my church is where I'm supposed to be, but then you don't see those options, well then you'll be kind of—you'll become hopeless and then not try something else.
And so I think even as we get older, I constantly think of this reminder: How can I keep good habits as I get older that I'm flexible?
So it's easy for me to be social and to go and hang out wherever I want now, but I can get stuck in my ways and feel like, "Well, I have my friends," and that's it.
And then life will change again, and then here I am as I am going into another season. I don't have community.
So in those seasons, just being open. Like, I know some people are like, "I will never do online dating or eHarmony." It's scary!
But just if you just do something a little outside of your comfort zone, I think that would really help to be hopeful.
And then on the woman's side, from what I've heard a lot and even in society, it's hard as a woman as she gets older because men, their interest gap grows. They just kind of like tend to go younger and younger, and it's not the same for a woman, unfortunately.
So I think, again, these acknowledging of we don't have all the answers, but an openness of trying to find different unique ways to continue to get a new community if it's not happening in this same one.
Well, also, I would just say boldly to the single men, give women your age a chance! Give them a chance!
Like, some women are more flexible than you think, you know what I mean?
To do that, we all have our preferences, but be flexible in the way that they act, though, more than they act.
And be willing. But you know, the norm is to go younger. But just think about it.
Just real quick, it's just kind of on my heart to say something real quick.
God's limitless power is made perfect in limitation.
So just to encourage you, it does not matter what your circumstances are. It doesn't matter what biology says. None of that matters because He created all of it. He can break the rules for you. Understand that.
So I have a—we all have a question. You were talking about how a lot of times, you know, like guys want younger women, you know, especially as they get older.
So do age gaps matter?
I think—oh, sorry, I jumped on that real quick.
I think the question should be, does character matter?
Because you can be 45, 60, 70, 80, and you can still be a fool.
And so it is very important for us—sorry guys, I've got to be real.
It is very important for us to know that your character is what matters.
So to answer the question, age gaps, I personally don't see a problem with age gaps.
However, if the character of this man or this woman is God-honoring, fearing, wanting to resemble holiness, and is pushing you towards Christ, what are you waiting for?
You have to go and talk to her or him.
And so that is what's really important, especially when it comes to what people were to say or what your family could say of like, "Oh wow, they have a six-year age gap," or "Oh my gosh, have you heard they have an eight-year?"
And all of those, etc., details really honestly don't matter because who is committing the covenant is A and B, not A through Z.
Yes and no.
Okay, and I think it's only because there are other things at play. Yes, character.
But then even so, say if a guy is young and he marries someone, I don't know, who is done, like they've had their kids, they're done, they're like, "I've lived that life."
Then they don't want kids. Then that situation may not work.
I'm 36. Sure, a 50-year-old can XYZ and provide. They have more money, but a lot of them are done having kids. You know what I mean? They've probably already had kids.
I'm sorry, I have a really quick story. I love—I never thought about this until last year.
So I know someone who is married. Their husband is maybe, I don't know, 11 years older than them. No big deal. Love each other, XYZ.
And I remember that she was at like a friend function and with his friends. He's the youngest in his bunch. I want to say maybe 51, 52. He's the youngest in his bunch.
And she's with them, and I'm not joking with you. They were talking about sharecropping, like his friends about back in the day and stuff like that.
And she was like, "Husband, I am too young to be in conversations with sharecropping!"
And I thought it was so funny because you don't also think about, "Oh, that means I'm also going to be in an older community."
And so how to balance out those different just things to think about.
It's not about it being a no, but it's just those different things at play about just regular doing life with someone.
That is so true! That is so true because when you make a commitment to somebody, you're committing to everybody around them.
Yes, that is true.
Okay, I feel like we have to help a sister out. Are we ready to help a sister out?
Is this sister you?
I'm not a sister! I am not a sister! But there's a sister in need!
Okay, and she said, "I am interested in a guy. How do I let him know and wait patiently if he wants to pursue me?"
I've talked enough. Let's help my sister out.
Just wait. Just be patient. Because again, if you step outside of God's will, then it's on you. It's not on him.
And so we shared a little bit of our story last service, but I was sharing how during a service similar—literally last year around this time—it was around a dating series.
And I remember sitting in the second row, and we were talking about marriage. And I remember praying to God through my notes. You know, you type in notes, right?
So I'm typing my prayer to God. I said, "God, I feel something—a little crush for someone, and I want to know if it's you or if it's me."
Because I understand that my flesh does what it does, but I also understand the Holy Spirit.
And so at the end of the prayer, I just said, "Okay, God, I'mma ask him after he watches the service. I'mma ask him just like how was the service? You know, if God said anything to you."
And so go get him because we were in—we went to a life study at the cafe.
And so he saw me because he was about to see the next service. I went to the nine.
And so then he saw something, and he saw a look on my face, and he's like, "What's wrong?"
I said, "Nothing! Nothing's fine! Everything's fine! You go to service, right?"
So then towards the late, later that day, I texted him. I said, "So what did God say? How was the service?"
You know, he said, "Well, no, I'm not dating. I'm not feeling moved."
And I was like, "Okay, okay, God, well, all right, it was me."
And then later that night, you know, we were talking, and he was like, "Well, I noticed something was wrong with you. Like, what is it?"
And I'm like, "My God, do you want me to tell him that I like him? This is crazy! I never do this! I usually wait for the guy to tell me!"
So then I ended up telling him, like, "You know, I do have a little crush on you, but I'm waiting for it to die down."
That's what I said. "I'm waiting for it to die down because I did not want to feel embarrassed."
But I share this story because even before then, I was bold enough to approach him face to face.
And I said, "Well, first when I first met, I was like, 'Who are you and how long you here?'"
But after, there was another time I was bold, and I messaged him, and I was like, "Don't leave without saying bye!"
Because I didn't see him at all. It was around First Love, and I was like, "Don't leave without saying bye!"
And that was me putting my step forward.
And in hindsight, what he didn't know was that I've been receiving dreams. I've been receiving confirmation.
But I was, again, just asking little open-ended questions, right?
And so what I didn't know—and I guess you can continue if you’d like.
So yeah, I'm the—he, by the way.
But yeah, so I would just encourage y'all, yes, go ahead, put your foot out there.
It doesn't have to be extremely bold or, you know, you don't have to be extremely obvious.
But men, we might play dumb, but we not dumb, right?
We just playing it cool. And I knew that she did, but what she didn't know was God had already told me that she was my wife.
So when she came out and said it to me, I was like, "I smiled and I was like, 'Yeah, well, cool.'"
And I asked the Lord, like, "Oh wait, can I tell her?" Because He hadn't released me to tell her.
I actually was going to tell her when I got the dream, and He stopped me mid-sentence.
So that's number one. You don't know what God already told him, right?
You don't know if God had already told him yes, if God had already told him no.
So you putting your foot out there, there could just be confirmation.
Second, just because God told you doesn't mean it's time yet, right?
So again, there's a difference between a calling and a commissioning. There's a training period. There's a growing period.
And you might not be commissioned to be in that relationship yet. You might just be called to it.
So position yourself, right?
There's a positioning that has to happen. Like, if I'm called to be a disciple of Christ, He calls me. Guess what? I still got to get up, and I got to be next to Him.
I got to learn from Him. I got to grow with Him before I am commissioned to be the disciple in the world, right?
So that's kind of what I would say to you.
You should definitely, definitely be okay with stepping out, but be reserved with how far you go.
I hope all of this helps you, sister! I'm watching for you!
But I have a question for everybody, so make sure that you grab your phones and answer this poll: The Cheesecake Factory—is it a yes or a nay for a first date?
What do you think? Is it a great spot? I don't know why people hate on it. I don't understand it.
Okay, give me the results. I know that we have them.
Results? [Applause]
Yay! Watch it! We're going to be making them so much money after this! Everybody's gone to the Cheesecake Factory!
Okay, are we ready for our next question?
Sure!
So if you aren't totally physically attracted to someone's appearance, will you still give them a chance?
Said if you're not?
Yeah, you're not convinced that they look like what they should look like, but they are nice people. Will you give them a chance?
I will say, old me would say absolutely not because I was so much more focused on the vain things about a relationship.
I'm just going to be thinking in the right places and things of that nature.
But if you're looking for a serious relationship, quality matters.
And a lot of times, attraction will grow as you get to know the person.
So starting off as a friendship is probably the best thing to do before dating.
Because if you're not attracted to them at first because of physical appearance, that mental or that emotional attraction may make that whole physical appearance look different in your eyes.
So that's what I have to say about that.
I would actually like to piggyback off of that because as someone who—when we met, I was so sold out on following God. I was good.
Plus, I had already experienced a lot of trauma in relationships. I didn't want one.
So when I first met her, you know, she was easy on the eyes, and she's beautiful. Y'all see it. She's beautiful.
But at the end of the day, I wasn't attracted to her because my heart didn't want it, right?
And I do want to speak to the other side, to those who are Christians who are following Christ.
You know, you might not be attracted to the person because your heart don't want it yet. Your heart isn't there yet.
You are so sold out for God, and that's a perfect place to be because when God brings it to you—and you upset because I woke up from that dream upset.
I woke up like, "Lord, for real? Now? At all times?"
Now we in a rhythm, and He was adamant. He confirmed it over and over and over.
And then my heart said, "Lord, okay, if this is my wife, give me the attraction for her."
That's a dangerous prayer! I'm going to let y'all know that right now.
But it was so worth it because now, over time, you know, getting to know the many different parts of her, it was like, "This is perfect for me!"
Right? This is exactly what I needed.
So just because you find a diamond and it got a little dirt on it, it got a little smudge on it, don't mean it ain't a diamond.
Okay, that's right!
So my next question for you is, how do you feel about dating multiple people at the same time? You're trying to figure out which one is going to be.
So let's, you know, bachelor-style dating or going on dates.
Dating like you're the bachelor, all of your eligible ladies.
I'm just going to speak from a man's perspective, right? I don't like it because you're taking the choice out of God's hands and trying to put it in yours.
Right? You're trying to see multiple—like, you're not putting all your eggs in one basket.
Well, God is supposed to have all your eggs in the first place, right?
So relax! Relax! You're going out, you're spending money on dates, and whatnot. What are you doing?
In what could you have been doing instead?
And frankly, why are you wasting their time? Like, honestly, because you're going to go five dates on with one person, ten dates with another, and then choose the one that you ended up going on 15 dates with.
Now you don't waste the two people's time. It's not fair to them either.
So I would recommend that you don't, from a man's perspective.
I know what God can do in any situation, but don't make it hard on Him. Make it easier on Him and really keep yourself as consecrated as possible.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, I would also like to say no to that question. I have a past of doing that. Like, I had a roster.
So I had—no, seriously, I had a roster.
So not to number one, I'm redeemed. God has saved me.
But no, I'm being serious because there may be someone that may have a roster.
And so like I had a roster. So if number one wasn't available or whether it was emotionally available or if they weren't physically available as far as dates, I would go to number two, number three, right?
What I noticed and what God was telling me was that I was trying to fill a void. I was trying to feel accepted, feel loved, but I didn't allow God to fill me up.
I allowed other men to entertain me and to say these things, and though it sounded nice, it didn't feel nothing.
It was a waste of their time, money, and also my time and money.
And that put so much delay.
And it was actually really funny because last year around this time—and I remember telling this to Matthew—but around this time, I remember meeting someone.
They're like, "Oh, I would take you out on a date." And this is when we were friends.
But I was like, "Yeah." He's like, "Yeah, I'm going to take you on a date for Valentine's Day."
I was like, "Like, oh, okay."
He was like, "Rooftop, all these things," right?
And I woke up on Valentine's Day, and I was hearing alarm, like sirens.
And I'm like, "Is it police out there?" Because I was living in the city at the time.
No, no cars. There was no ambulance.
But what that was was God saying, "Time is up! We're done! We're done with this!"
Because you got to be careful, especially if you're trying—let's say you're entertaining other people, but you're literally in the same room as your God-ordained spouse.
You're in trouble because if you entertain all of these other people that are trying to give you all these things, then you are going to be in a season of delay.
You could delay yourself in years.
So you have to be very careful.
And so to short the short answer would be no because you'll be wasting your time and their time.
I think what is attractive to people with that is because it is a way to protect your heart.
And so I think that is the thing that—and that's something that the world even says, even yes, long ago with courting and this person presents themselves in this.
But I think when it comes to a believer, you could be trying to protect your heart.
And so that roster situation is that.
And another way to maybe act that out is just asking God for wisdom and discernment.
So that doesn't mean prolonging a time with someone, but just being careful that that's not my reason is to protect.
So I'm not being hurt because I like to be all in, and I don't want to be all in, and then someone plays me.
But just how can I protect my heart without putting up walls, without having this roster?
And I think that if we are truly honest, we know who's like—they're not it.
So if I'm just keep on going knowing it's not it, yeah, we are definitely wasting our time.
Yes, and money!
Sorry!
So I have another question: Is there something wrong with me if I don't want to get married?
No! Absolutely not!
Sorry, I was talking without the mic on.
No, absolutely not!
To be frank with you, there has to come a point in your spiritual walk when the Lord has to tell you specifically according to your purpose why you don't desire to get married.
Is there something wrong with you? Of course not!
The Lord knows the desires of your heart. That's in Psalms.
If it goes according to what He desires for you, it will be done in His time.
However, if you don't desire to get married, that doesn't mean that you're broken or that you need to fix something within your life or the pressure of people are kind of cradling in your ear telling you, "Hey, what are you doing? What's wrong with you?"
However, you should feel blessed and favored because not a lot of women experience that, and men too.
But the way the Lord is going to move you in different avenues that married couples can't really go in those avenues is going to be great because you're also learning how to submit your life 100% to the Lord.
And hey, maybe along the line, you will have the desire to get married, and then the lane will align those paths together for you to meet a mate.
But if that is not your desire, I surely can guarantee you that that's nothing that you should be worried about.
What if you don't want to get married, but you do want to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?
That's like, it's just like, I just don't want to sign, and I do—yeah, but I don't want to be alone either.
And that question—ooh, soul smiley! I'm about to go off!
Benefits are covenant benefits. If you want to date, then why? What is the purpose of dating?
What is the purpose of marriage? Why do you want to date?
Do you want to date just so you guys can be companions and cohabitate together and save money on rent and live together and play house?
Or do you really want to fulfill the purpose of marriage?
If you're going to play house, you're wasting your time.
Key right here: Samson!
Let's go back to the Bible. I feel like let's talk Samson.
Samson saw a woman—saw a woman.
Some want—go to First Kings for me.
But saw a woman, right? And again, physical attraction—it's hard, and it comes with a rushing feeling, and that's great.
But the physical attraction cannot be the sole reason why you want to date someone because that infatuation, the feeling of the chemicals going through your body, that's temporary.
Because when you really see their ugly side and you see them upset, hungry, hangry, with bad breath, you're going to have a lot of different opinions about that person.
However, and then we go back to Samson again.
Let's stick with me.
Samson again, he meets the prostitute. This is the second woman that he meets.
Again, men, y'all know how it is. And women, we know exactly how that is.
You fall into the trap of lust versus love.
And then finally, Samson met Delilah, and then we know the story from there.
But we often forget about the two women prior to Delilah.
So in this case, is it okay to date someone just to date someone temporarily?
You're going to be hurting yourself, and maybe you can run to a different relationship and a different relationship, but you're going to be spreading this hurt and this chaos and this destruction spirit rather than being a blessing to someone else's life.
And I think this is what makes it hard is that Christian lifestyle is different than the world.
So it's hard to understand because God created marriage.
And so those kind of things, it's hard because we are in America and we are whatever.
But we don't even realize when we take those applications.
So it seems harsh to say don't date, but it's because what God created within His kingdom, this is what it is.
And here we go, like trying to pull in society into God's kingdom, and then it gets tough.
I did want to touch back on what you were talking about because that is what she said: lust versus love, right?
If you feel as though you want a long-term boyfriend, what do you think? That's lust, then.
That shows not love because love comes from God. God is love.
And what God created is based in love.
And if you're trying to stay in something that's outside of that, you're in lust.
That's exactly what you're in.
You are lusting from your own fleshly desires, from your own heart.
And one thing that we need to understand is our flesh is louder than God. Always!
Always! The things that you feel will be louder than what the Lord is saying every single time.
That's why His voice is a small, still voice.
In that small, still wind, I think about when Elijah went to the cave.
First was an earthquake, then there was fire, and then God's voice was in the wind.
Guess what? There was shaking, and then there was purification, and then God spoke to him.
That's what you need to understand. You go through those seasons, and then God speaks to you.
But the entire time he stayed in the cave, he didn't leave the cave.
Don't leave the cave! Don't step outside of where God has you!
Please don't step outside of where God has you because the enemy is going to sweep you up every single time.
So how do you move on with a new relationship, man or woman, if there is past hurt?
You need a heart rehab. You really do.
And I'm going to be real with you guys. Speaking from a personal standpoint, being in a former relationship and having to heal these past two years of what that was like really made me realize that right from one relationship to another with hurt and baggage is one of the worst things you can do.
Because you can idolize a man or a woman into becoming—you could say the caregiver and the healer when the Almighty is just waiting for you with open arms.
And so when it comes to healing, if you don't have the fixer of all things heal your heart completely and prepare you for dating, you won't be even ready for when you have the opportunity to date.
Dating is not just when you feel it or when your horniness is up. It really is a preparation.
Same thing—this can sound kind of heavy, but I said this last service.
But the last thing I want to be is a rock in someone's shoe rather than a rock for them to lean on.
And so if we don't prepare ourselves for dating and for marriage and for what's to come, even with children, we really won't be representing what the Lord has created a covenant to really be like.
Well, we have one last question. I wish we could just stay here all day. Just bring us lunch! We keep on going!
But last question: Any advice for singles listening today that might be thinking, "What's wrong with me?"
Nothing! Nothing! Nothing is wrong with you!
Absolutely nothing! Nothing is wrong with you!
Christ died for you before you even knew He existed.
Why do you think something is wrong with you? If He died for a sinner, it's because He knew you, and He wanted you, and He's bringing you toward Him.
So there's nothing wrong with you.
And honestly, to speak more to the other side of that, that's nothing but the enemy speaking to you.
That's nothing but the enemy talking to you left and right.
I'm a suicide survivor. I get it. I do. I understand.
Depression is a real thing, and I know the church doesn't like to talk about it, but it exists.
It's something—it's a silent killer. It really is. It's a silent killer.
And I would speak to you and say that that's nothing but the enemy trying to bring you out of the calling that God has for you.
That's it! That's all!
So to help you, just continue to get in God's presence. Get in His word. Place your identity in Him.
Because when you identify with Him, guess what? Everything else doesn't matter. It all falls off.
That's exactly what it does. It all falls off.
He purifies you. He brings you into a place where now you're confident in who you are.
And trust me, that's actual true humility.
I'm confident in who God made me to be, and I am humble enough to let Him take the wheel.
I'm humble enough to stay exactly where He has me.
I'm humble enough to be single because I'm chasing Him.
I'm ready for whatever He wants me to do, not for what I want to do.
And once you get to that place, when you start to look in the mirror, you start to see Christ.
And that's going to be a wonderful thing for you to experience.
Anybody else before we wrap it up?
I said this in the last service just to encourage singles that God sees us.
Regardless of your age, you don't have a scarlet jacket letter or letter on you.
Like if you've been divorced or that you now—people have to pity you because you're widowed or you've just been just not having the opportunity or you feel that you're invisible.
But that God sees us. He knows you. He knows you inwardly, and He knows you outwardly.
And so even when you feel maybe abandoned or not alone, it's just like you said, it's just the very opposite.
And so again, just to encourage the heart, if no one else knows you like He knows you, and He sees you, and He loves you.
Yes, God sees you!
Aren't you glad for them?
Yes! Let's give it up for them!
Thank you so much for all of your vulnerability. Thank you for being so open, so open and so honest.
We appreciate you guys. God sees you all, and God loves you, and He has wonderful plans for you.
And as we close this service, I just want to remind you of a couple of things.
And the first one is that we are starting our all-church campaign.
We all are going to be the same type of life groups together starting next week with our new series, "Like Jesus," where we're going to be talking about how we want to be more than just followers of Jesus.
We want to become disciples of Jesus. We want to be people that look and act and speak like Jesus.
So it is going to be a wonderful time where we all together are going to be learning the same thing here on Sundays, but also in our individual small groups.
So if you have not signed up for a life group just yet, make sure that you do that today.
So Pastor Jason is going to be in the lobby. Go and see him. Let him show you all of the different life groups that we have available and the different times.
And if there's not one that actually works for you, maybe you can start one.
So let's just all get together and walk together in becoming more and more like Jesus.
And the other thing is Lab University is starting again in March.
You don't want to miss it! If you want to deepen your faith, if you want to grow more in what God wants you to grow, we're going to be talking about prayer.
We're going to talk about how to interpret the scripture.
And my favorite and the most amazing class that we're going to have this time around is the class that Ari and myself are going to be teaching on how to have a balanced life.
It is going to be a wonderful time as we go deeper and deeper into the word.
So make sure that you are signing up for those classes. Those classes will be happening on Tuesday nights, and you don't want to miss it.
If you really want to get deeper in the word, that is the way for us to do that.
Now, if you're ready, you can stand up, and I'm going to give us the blessing.
We're going to ask our altar team to come to the front, and if you have any type of need, it will be our privilege to pray with you today.
Are you ready for the blessing?
Now may the Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord may His face shine on you and be gracious to you.
The Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.
In Jesus' name, amen!
We will see you! Love you!
on Mar 10, 2024
