Hey, how are you doing this morning? Welcome! I am so excited to be here to help kick off our new series, "Love on the Rocks." We're going to be talking about love, relationships, singleness—all the good stuff. But I get to kick it off with my lead pastors, Brent and Soul. So, let's dive in!
What I want is, this is not just a conversation with us; I want to engage with you guys. So, there is a QR code in the middle, and it'll be on the end screens. Please scan it! We're going to do poll questions, and you can submit your questions. If we're not able to get to all the questions, we're going to answer them in our in-between sermon series.
So, are you guys excited? Y'all ready to learn about marriage from a biblical perspective? Are y'all ready? No? I'm ready! I'mma give my people all the tea, so I hope y'all are ready to be open and transparent.
But before we get started, if you know me, I love icebreakers, so let's do an icebreaker game to warm you guys up. Okay, get your little paddles ready!
All right, so the first question is: Who is the better singer?
Wait, what? I feel like it would be disingenuous to say that either of us can sing better. Like, when it's two things that are horrible, how do you really decide which one's better? I mean, if I start singing, nobody will run out in fear, so I think that makes me the better singer.
Your kids? Who's the better singer?
They like, "Don't ask me!" No, they're answering. They're saying neither of them are better. This is going to serve another use after this service.
Okay, okay. Who's the better cook? Who can cook the best?
Okay, what's a meal you like to cook?
I cook just about everything. The weird thing is, I'm not Mexican, and she is Mexican. You know what? A lot of the Mexican food we cook at home, I actually do the cooking.
Very strange! It is funny when somebody comes and they're like, "Oh, real food from the Mexican house." I'm like, "Bren made it!" [Laughter]
That is hilarious! So, are you afraid? Do you cook at all?
I do cook. The problem is, she's a very good cook. The problem is that I don't follow instructions. If I'm going to cook something, it has to be something that I know by heart. Like, don't give me a page with step one, step two, and chop all of this. It's just too much.
Yeah, like my Instagram messages are just all my wife sending recipes. She's like, "This looks delicious! You should make it."
Hilarious! I'm going to have to try that one. I'm going to send some recipes to David.
Okay, who is a morning person? Which one of you?
I was about to say, okay, I think that's pretty clear. I'm not a morning person, but if it's mornings, I'm going to be doing the work, not her.
So you need your coffee?
Because I am definitely not a morning person. I start working at like around 11.
So you came to the right service!
So which one of you stays up the longest at night?
Oh, okay, so he's my—my motto is you can sleep when you're dead. Whoa! I don't know if that's healthy, but we'll let that pass.
I sleep for the both of us; we're good.
Okay, so who made the first move in your relationship?
Okay, let's go! All right, we're going to dive into that a little bit later because I want to know how that looked.
Who's the better driver?
It feels like I just need to throw my face in the trash or something.
Oh my, go easy on it, friend! I should have asked you some questions before we came on stage because it's not looking good for you.
Okay, I know. Do you do anything in this relationship?
Oh man, I'm just glad to be here! [Applause]
Okay, that was good. We're going to dive into this conversation. I think it's going to be a great time learning about marriage the biblical way, right?
So we're going to have a lot of fun, but we hope that you can gather some nuggets to take back into your marriage. And for my singles ready to mingle, don't tune us out! We hope that you can get some pointers from this conversation as well, and you will have an opportunity to again ask questions.
So let's dive in! I'm ready. Give us a quick origin story of how you guys met and ended up getting married.
You want me to go first this time?
Sure!
All right, so we were both in internships for a church. I was in Colorado; she was in Mexico, but it was kind of like a sister program. After doing two years in Colorado, I did my third year in Mexico City, and Soul was my boss because she was a year ahead of me. So she was on staff; I was a student.
Our origin story literally is the director of the program said, "Soul, you speak the most. You're the only English speaker on staff, and Brent doesn't speak Spanish, so we've got this white guy from Chicago coming. You just need to go to all the classes with him. If he's teaching, you need to translate for him. If he's taking a class, you need to translate for him. If it's a service, you need to translate for him. Just wherever Brent goes, I need you to go with him." And he just never told her to stop.
Hilarious!
So she follows you back to Chicago?
Yeah, so it'll be 17 years of marriage in April, and we're just keeping that train going.
Yes, it was literally my job to keep him alive.
You still have that role, right?
Keep him alive! 100%!
All right, so I know you guys met at the internship, but Pastor Soul, were you ever checking for Pastor Brent? Was there a moment when he walked in the room and you were like, "Okay"?
No, actually no! He came; he had blue hair! He came to Mexico with blue hair. It was like, "No." I mean, you know, like cute, but that was it. I don't know; I wasn't in that mindset.
Oh, you were being super saved!
You know, like, "Okay, I was with Jesus."
I honestly don't even know. I cannot point to a single moment that I'm like, "This is when I knew I liked him." It just kind of happened.
Okay, yeah. Actually, I think I know the moment. It was somewhere in the—you were giving me the "let's just be friends" talk, and like somewhere in the middle of that talk, it shifted to like the "let's be friends" talk became the "maybe we should try this out" talk. I was really confused, but it was really awkward though because we were in the sanctuary.
That's where the office for the program was, was inside of the sanctuary. We were having this conversation in like the back row while they were doing some practicing for worship. I just—I don't even remember where I was going, but I was just talking and talking and talking, and then all of a sudden, I just say, "But I like you too!" And that's the moment that everybody stopped playing. So like everybody heard me say, "I like you."
I was like, "Oh great!" But it was in English, and so I don't think anybody heard.
So Pastor Brent, when did you realize that Soul was the one, or when did you start feeling her?
So you used a phrase there that I'm going to have to jump on—what, "feeling her"?
Yeah, no, before that you said, "When did you know she was the one?"
Oh, um, so I'll answer that. I knew that Soul was the one when she said, "I do," and put the ring on her finger.
Cuz this is going to upset a lot of people in the room, but I think that the whole concept of "the one" is stupid.
Yes!
And I feel the energy just sucked out of the room right now. But we do—we want to find "the one." The one is whoever you commit to.
And the reason why I hate this concept of "the one" so much is that I think that concept has done a lot of damage in relationships because it leaves people wondering if they got it wrong. And it's too late for that question, right? Like you already got married. This is the one because you made a commitment before God and in front of a bunch of witnesses to this person. They are the one because you committed to them.
And so when we get this concept of "I've got to find the one," and then you find someone, and then you have a rough patch, and you're like, "Well, maybe I found the wrong one. Now I need to drop this guy and go find the real one." That's stupid!
Okay, but you still didn't answer my question.
So to actually answer your question, right after I got to Mexico, spending a lot of time with her, I emailed my dad and I said, "Dad, I really need you to pray because I either found the reason why God wanted me to go to Mexico"—because that whole process was like a weird God thing—or "I'm facing the biggest distraction of my life."
And honestly, I'm still not really sure which one that is, but it's worked out so far. It's working! I mean, she's here! We're at 16 years plus, so woo! Yes, praise God! That's awesome!
So how do you guys navigate the cultural differences, like the language barrier, the food differences, the traditions? How do you guys navigate that?
With a lot of talking! You know, the thing is that it is very obvious in a relationship like ours that it is literally two different cultures coming together, two different countries and everything. You know, that is very evident—there are two different people, right?
But I think that honestly, we all experience that when you get in a relationship. You are merging two cultures together because the way that you were raised in your family might not be the same way that your spouse was raised in theirs.
So I think that it is very important for you to have questions and ask. You know, like we usually do this for this holiday. How did you do it? Do you like it?
Because I think that sometimes you end up doing a lot of stuff not because you enjoyed it, but because it's the way it has always been. And when you actually talk about it, you can come up with your own flavor, and it should be your own DNA in your family.
So we always have to talk about the things that I experienced and how I experience life and how he experienced life and the things that his family did and the things that my family did. We had to come up with this whole, "Okay, maybe this is not something that you will understand."
And you know, just culture—like literal culture difference. So maybe we don't do that. Like for me, I had never done a Thanksgiving dinner until I moved here. So I was like, "Oh, okay." Then I kept asking questions. "So what do we do? And like why are we eating this? And like is it a significance for this?"
You know, all of those things. But I think that it happens to everybody that is in a relationship just because you are in different places. So it is important for you both to communicate so that you can both speak the same language, so that you can truly be doing things in the way that works for the two of you.
Because the things that work for your parents or the things that work for the other family might not work for yours, and that's okay. You just have to figure out where you're going to compromise, what things you're not going to compromise on, and what things are going to be new and unique to you.
That's good!
So, I mean, not to kind of—this is like a question between the first question of how do you know she's the one and then the traditions. Traditionally speaking, the man pursues the woman, but is it okay—and this is a question from the audience—is it okay for a woman to pursue a man?
I mean, I know what I'm saying.
What do you guys think?
So for me, I have no problem with that whatsoever. I don't see anything biblically that would make that a taboo or a bad thing.
And honestly, yes, I did end up pursuing her, but man, it would have made life so much easier! Oh my goodness! So I'm all for it! Come on now, take some work off of the guy!
No, I think that is—there's anything wrong? No! I do think that as women, we should remember our position too, and we should desire for somebody else to do a little bit of work because you're worth it!
You know, because your value is big, and because you don't want to be the one always going after the guy and crying for them to look at you. I think that when you understand your value—not in a feminism type of way, not saying that we are better than or anything like that—but I think that there is nothing as beautiful as having somebody that truly wants your heart to actually show it.
You know, and I believe that, in my experience—not just with my husband, but what I have been able to see—when a guy is really truly interested in you and he really wants you in his life, he will go out of his way to show it.
So sometimes we as women tend to feel the need of, "Look at me!" and "I want this to work!" in a way that we are taking some of that ownership of the guy.
So is there anything wrong with you maybe being the one that starts talking to them first or something like that? No, absolutely not! But I will recommend for you to also take a moment and step back and see if that person is going to reciprocate.
Reciprocate? Is that a word?
Reciprocate!
You got it! Close enough!
The feeling that you have, you know?
So that's good!
That's good! A much better answer than mine! I'll just let you answer from now on!
Your friend is like, "Yes, please come after me!"
Come on! I mean, the song says, "If he likes it, he should have put a ring on it!"
So exactly! And it does say that for the girl, right?
Yeah, not if she likes it!
Okay, but anyway, one more question before we move on. Someone said—and this is a very lengthy question—I recently fell in love with someone, but he does not go to church. He experienced church hurt as a child. Sometimes I feel I should move on, but another part of me believes that he will one day be saved. He checks all the boxes, and he's a great person, except his commitment to Christ. Should I stay or should I run?
Run!
So you contradicted yourself. You said, "He checks all the boxes." No, he doesn't! Because there's one giant box—the most important box—he didn't check!
So he checked a bunch of like minor insignificant things, and he missed the most important thing. Yeah, you got to run!
And look, maybe stay friends, maybe, you know, but man, you better run! Because if you don't, you're going to do something stupid!
Yeah, and mission dating doesn't really work. Like, "I'm going to win them for Jesus! I'm going to win them for Jesus! We're going to date, and I'm going to win you for Jesus, and then we're going to..." You know, that doesn't always work!
Because you want that person to find Jesus for themselves and not because they want to impress you or because they want you to say yes. You want them to have a true life change before they are with you.
So I think that it is very important. And if you decide to ignore our advice and still go on with it, I think that you just have to realize what you are saying yes to. Because if you truly are in love with Jesus, and if you truly are seeking after God, and you decide to just forgo counsel and say, "Okay, I'm still going to do what I'm going to do," that is something that you're going to carry with knowing that I want to do more, but my spouse doesn't.
I want to be closer to Jesus, but my spouse is not interested. I want my kids to grow in church, but you know... So you just know that is something that is going to be with you if you choose to just say, "YOLO!"
Right? The kids still say "YOLO," right?
The cool kids!
I think that's really good. I mean, quick advice to that person—when to run. I mean, because I'm sure it's not that easy.
No, it's not easy! It is! But what I think that it is important for you to understand is what are your priorities. Is your priority to get a companion, or is your priority to grow closer to Jesus?
And as a person, like our spiritual life should—and in our devotion to Jesus—should be our number one. You know, if you are putting anybody else in front of your relationship with Jesus, then we are having our priorities wrong.
And I'll just add in there, I've met a lot of people. I know a lot of people that are in your shoes that went for it anyway. I know a lot of them that regret it. I know zero that it worked out well for them.
So the track record is not in your favor!
That's good! We are praying for you; we're praying with you as your family.
So this question is putting the spotlight back on you, but this is also a poll question. So get your phones out right now! Get them out! Scan the QR code wherever you are sitting. The question is: What is date night like for Brent and Soul?
So I don't know how that poll is going to go, but while they're getting that poll together and we get the results, go ahead and tell us what does date night look like for us?
We are really bad at this. This is one of those things where it's like, "Don't follow our example."
But we do date day more than date night. See, we—because we work for the church childcare, Friday is our day off, and so the schools have our children from about 8:00 a.m. until 3:00 p.m.
And so we've got a beautiful window where we are child-free!
And so we do a lot of date days, but I've been challenged recently to put in the effort to create that date night experience. And we do some, just not a whole lot.
Yeah, I need y'all to up that!
Yeah, and well, and here's the thing—that's horrible advice for anybody to follow. You need the date time!
But the reason why it works for us is that our relationship is a little bit unique in the sense that we spend pretty much every waking moment together. We work together; we go grocery shopping together. Like, there isn't really a whole lot of separation where we need the, "Hey, we haven't seen each other in a while; let's go to dinner." It's like every meal is together.
Yeah, so you need more grow time!
You need more grow time! Let's incorporate that!
We need together time!
So what does the poll say? Would Brent and Soul prefer to stay in or go out?
Is it from us or from them?
Well, they—what they think you would do: stay in or go out?
Oh, what do you think? Stay in? Go out?
I think—I mean, you guys kind of answered it, but yeah, a lot of people say you go out.
So you're not meeting their expectations!
Not at all!
You all remember I'm an introvert, right? The outside is a dangerous and scary place! Inside has my couch and my TV and my refrigerator! Inside is so much better than outside!
That sounds like—yeah, that is part of it!
I would much rather cook and do all of the things for the two of us than order with a waiter!
Yes! We're going to change this in 2024!
Okay, do you guys fight? How do you fight, and what do you fight about?
That is an interesting question!
Okay, so let's break this down because that was a lot. So first, do you guys fight?
Yes!
Okay, we're two human beings!
Is it a holy fight? Is it like, "Read your Bible, and you need God"? What type of fight is it?
Did you pray today? Did you get in your word? Psalms tells me... [Laughter]
Now, we honestly don't fight that much, and it is not that ugly. Like, there's no dishes flying around or anything like that. That doesn't really happen very at all—ever!
I was about to say often, but about to say very often—like, no, that doesn't happen!
Never! Zero times! Zero times have we had anything flying because we're fighting!
But no, I think that it is just little arguments here and there. And what I've noticed is that we start fighting when we have not been communicating. When we have not been talking about stuff, then little things start popping up, and we have—we don't see eye to eye because we never had a conversation about it.
Like, it is a miscommunication somewhere; it is an assumption of something. So when we are truly communicating and able to just say everything about everything, there's less fights because we have already been addressing stuff on the go.
So it really is when we have kind of closed off a little bit or when we haven't had time to really process things together, then things just pop up, and then it becomes a disagreement.
Yeah, and I think the evidence of that in our marriage is I think we fought more in like the first five years of our marriage than we fought in the last 10, 11 years of marriage. And I think it's because we learned that communication process.
Soul likes to shut down when there's conflict. I want to talk things out. Like, I want to get to the problem and let's solve the problem.
And Soul was like, "I need some space." And so that created a lot of conflict early on. But as we've learned to adjust to each other, as she's become a little bit more confrontation-friendly, and as I've learned how to give her space when she needs it, we've kind of met in the middle and found a much healthier balance.
It's so good and safe and friendly!
But what do you guys fight about?
I mean, all the same stuff everybody else fights about. Like, we'll have arguments about something with the kids or the money or—yeah, a lot.
I think a lot of probably our—not really even fight—fighting is such a weird occurrence for us, but like our disagreements would usually be something around like I didn't do something that she felt I needed to do for her, and usually I was just a guy that wasn't paying attention.
And so it's like, you know, she's really upset I didn't do something I didn't know I was supposed to do.
And so we have an issue there.
Yeah, it really is a met expectations with everything because even with the kids, there are times that I'm like, "Oh, but you haven't talked to them. You were supposed to take them out." And he's like, "Why was I supposed to take them out?"
You know, I'm like, "Well, for coffee or for breakfast or something." And he's like, "When did we agree on that?"
I'm like, "Well, in my head, you were supposed to take them out!"
Right? And you didn't!
I lose 100% of the arguments that happened in her head!
Yes! So that's verbalized, ladies! That's verbalized!
That's what I was saying! You know, I think that it is the communication piece. When we're not talking about even the things that we feel like should be happening, then you set it off, you know?
And for me, I've noticed, like Bren said, I don't like confrontation. So a lot of times, I used to just bottle up, you know? Just don't say anything. Just, "It's okay. You will forget about it in five minutes. It's going to be fine."
But then like little things will make me upset, and I realized that it wasn't even the situation at the moment. It was the fact that I had been just pressure cooking all of my feelings to the one point. Like something was not up to my liking or some little disagreement became a huge thing, but it had a lot of baggage.
So when we were just able to just talk about the stuff in the moment and be able to pass this thing, then you don't carry stuff for a long time that can make it worse.
I like how you said "pressure cooking" because I think sometimes, especially as ladies, like we'll let things build up, and then we—it's like a tea kettle.
So I definitely agree with like talking about it in the moment.
So we do have a question from the audience that kind of leans into this conversation. Someone said, "My wife doesn't respect me, so what can I do about that?"
All right, y'all are about to discover why I'm a pastor and not a counselor!
Okay, because I would have two responses for this person. Response one is, "Get over it!" Because you're responsible for your actions, not her response to your actions.
And so you need to just do the right thing, whether she's respecting it or not, because you're not doing it for her respect. You're doing it because it's the right thing to do.
And we do everything we do unto the Lord. So you're operating to Jesus before you're operating for your spouse.
So make Him happy, and you'll make your spouse happy.
And I guess the second thing I would say with that is you need to check yourself to see, "Is there a reason why my wife is not respecting me?"
Because I think that if we just go into it expecting the default response to whatever I do better be respect, man, if your attitude's wrong, if the way you're speaking to them is wrong, if you're not loving them first—I mean, Scripture talks about wives submitting to your husbands. It also says husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church, laying down His life for it.
So husbands, if she's not respecting you, what are you doing to deserve it?
And I will say, I go back to the communication piece. You know, have you calmly been able to talk about it? Have you been able to say, "Hey, when I ask you to get the kids ready and you turn around and don't even say yes, I don't feel respected"?
Does she know that what she's doing is being perceived as disrespect, even if that was not the intention for it? Because a lot of times, we are grabbing off offense that wasn't given because we are not communicating.
And because I don't know that if every time I do this, it makes you feel this way.
So it has—and I said calmly because we cannot just say, "You don't respect me because you always do this." That will not end well. That will end up in a fight more than in any type of resolution.
But if you are able to sit down and say, "Hey, when I ask for this and you respond this way, it makes me feel this way," I think that can start a better conversation.
And how can we change this so that your needs are met?
So I think that conversation in a place that is free, in an environment that is safe, is so important because that is going to help you move forward to a lot of stuff.
That's good! Thank you for that!
Yeah, aren't you guys happy that these are our lead pastors? Like, they come with all the biblical fire, shooting them out!
Okay, so the next question is: Ephesians 5 talks about husbands being the head of the wife and wives submitting to their husbands. Yeah, I said submitting!
And husbands loving their wives like Christ loved the church. What does that look like lived out in marriage, and even in your marriage?
It's a great question! I could do like an hour-long Bible study on those verses.
I would say first, you got to recognize that that passage says literally what it says. Like, take it at face value. Because I think sometimes we try and justify it one direction or the other. We try and reinterpret it to say something else.
But we need to just respect the Scripture. It's just—it's God's instruction. This is how the marriage is supposed to operate. This is how relationships are supposed to operate because it's supposed to become a reflection of Christ and the church.
And when we mix that up, then we're screwing up a lot of stuff biblically. So just—I know it doesn't make everybody feel comfortable when it says, "Wives submit to your husbands."
I will emphasize it does say, "Wives submit to your husbands." It's not "women submit to men." It's not a broad statement; it is in a relationship; it's in a household.
It's also, you know, I think I might have answered a similar question in the last service and talked about how, you know, I'm only responsible for my side of that.
And the moment I pull out my Bible and I say, "See, Soul, right here it says you're supposed to love me," that's abuse!
And the moment that a wife sits down with her husband and pulls up the Scripture and says, "See, right here, you're supposed to..." or "You're supposed to love me," I said it backwards, but you got the intent.
But that becomes abuse when I'm trying to enforce her to live according to the Scripture. The Scripture was written to the husband. It was a conversation to the husband: "You need to love your wife."
And then it was a conversation to the wife: "Wife, you need to submit." And so it's on that person to do their part.
How that lives out in our lives, I make sure that she has a reason to trust me. That submission to me is not a dangerous thing for her; it's not a scary thing for her. It's not, "I have no idea what Brent's going to do next, but I've got to be submitted."
No! So we talk things out. I lead with love. I lead with sacrifice. I lead with, "I'm going to serve her in a greater way than anyone has ever served her in her life," so that she has this comfort to say, "You know what? I can trust Brent. I can trust him with decisions. If he says this is what we should do, I'm trusting that he's been hearing from God, and we're going to go through it together."
And if I got a disagreement, we're going to talk about it. And that submission piece doesn't mean that she has to remain silent and not voice her opinion.
Right? There's so much unhealthy stuff that happens on both sides of those passages.
But you got anything to make it pretty?
To make—not to make it pretty, but I think that sadly our society, with the whole empowering of women, has made this very difficult.
Because I understand that we have come a long way, you know? And we have finally gotten some same rights and the ability to work in the same space that a man would be able to work, and all of this stuff. And all of that is so great, and I am thankful for that.
But I think that sometimes we take that and want to just exponentially take it to every single thing that we do, and now we're trying to be above everybody else, you know? And now we want to be the person, right?
And now like, "You can't control me! You don't have any say on what I do!" And I think that that is also dangerous.
I think that any extreme can be dangerous. I think that when you are living your life to please God, and when you are spending time with God, and you see that your spouse is doing the same, and you know for a fact that your spouse is hearing from God and their intent is to get your family closer to Jesus, you can submit so much easier.
And that is why being with somebody that has the same values and the same desire for God is so important. Because if I have this big desire for God and my husband doesn't, and then he says, "You're not going to go to church," and I feel like, "Well, but I have to submit," so I mean, I'm not going to church.
You know, it is very difficult. But when you both are going through the same goal, then you know that you can trust that he is hearing from God, and our family is going to be much better because he is the leader of the home.
And I think that that is what is important. So don't fall for the trap of you are equal like the men, and you can do everything that they can do, and actually we're even better because we are more creative, and we can multitask, and we can do all of this stuff.
Don't go to either extreme, but see yourself in the healthy way that God has created you to be, and then you will be able to see your spouse in a different way as well.
Yeah, I just—that was—see, you did make it pretty!
I'll just add, like submission probably isn't talked about enough in church because you cannot be a Christian without submission. The whole premise of Christianity is we are submitted to Christ.
And when we start fighting over submission and we choose to do our thing instead of His thing, it just throws us into a weird place. And so submission is foundational to being a Christian, whether you're the husband or the wife.
Yeah, and this is why I think it's important for the woman not to pursue, but that's a whole other conversation.
Because how do you go into marriage with the mindset of, "I pursued you, so I'm going to kind of lead"?
So I think, again, that's another conversation. Maybe you can study that and preach on that later.
But all right, we got to have another poll question. It's about parenting, so get your phones out! Let's chime in!
So I'm going to ask the question, and then we're going to go to the poll. When it comes to parenting, how would you describe your personal parenting style? Do you prefer homeschool for your children, private school, or public school?
So we do public school!
Okay!
Because we can't afford private school, and Soul and I cannot homeschool!
Yeah, I was going to say it gracefully, but like Soul's second language is English, and so do you really want her teaching English?
And I'm not fit to teach anything!
So yeah, the homeschooling thing is not an option. Private school is not really an option. So we go public school.
And I think that it's actually—if you find the right balance within it, I feel like public school can be the healthiest option.
Cuz we're told in Scripture that we're supposed to be salt of the earth, light in dark places. And so if we take all of the Christian kids out of the public school environment, where does that leave a dark world?
Oh, that's good!
And I'm not trying to knock anybody that chose the homeschool route. I understand the reasons for that. And look, we've got some complicated conversations we have to have in the MC household because our kids are in a public school.
So we have those conversations; we're open about those things. But ultimately, I want to make sure that my kids are being raised in a place where they don't get that, you know, the bubble pops when they get out of the homeschool phase, and now they go into the real world, and it's like, "Who are these people that are saying these bad words?"
And so I think it's just—for me, public school is the right fit for our family.
Okay! And I understand that that means honestly being more involved in what is happening because you have to have eyes everywhere and ears everywhere, and you have to see like, "Who are your friends, and what are they doing?"
And you know, all of this stuff—it is a lot! It is a lot!
But I think that we have been able to see our kids being a blessing to others. Like Kelsey, she was on the bus, and every time that a kid was doing something, she would go to them and say, "Jesus doesn't like that! Do you go to church?"
And this one kid was like, "Yeah!" And she's like, "Well, I have never seen you in kids' life!"
So I'm like, "Well, there's many churches; it's not just our church!"
But like she will just literally go after the kid, and then finally she came to me and she said, "I asked, and they don't have a Bible. Can we buy them a Bible?"
So I bought a kids' Bible and I sent it with Kelsey. She gave it to the kid on the bus, and the mom ended up texting me, and I was like, "Oh no, we upset somebody for sending a Bible!"
And the mom was actually very grateful. She's like, "That she wants to read the Bible all the time before she goes to bed! Thank you so much for doing that!"
And that's not something that we would have been able to experience if it was just my kids at home.
So even though, yeah, there is a lot that you have to watch out for, and there's a lot that you have to navigate, and there's a lot that I'm like, "Are we really doing this, people?"
Cuz it is true! There’s also that little bit of, "Well, God is doing something if you are able to guide the kids as well."
And I'm not saying that we're doing a perfect job, but we are trying!
So I think you do good!
I do! Let's ask our kids; they're on the front row!
They good!
Silence!
They know who feeds them when this is over!
So, team public school is what the audience voted, so you guys are right!
Next question: What do you wish someone had told you before you got married?
Silence!
Okay, should I ask someone from the audience?
No, there's a lot that I wish I had known.
What do you think?
So I think that for me, something that I wish somebody would have said is not everything is going to be the way that you expect it to be.
But it's okay!
That's good!
Cuz sometimes we fight over stuff because that's how you envision things, and you envision every day being this way, and you envision, you know, the house with the dog and this and that.
And some stuff will come with time, but sometimes not in the very beginning.
And if you have this idea of what marriage is supposed to look like, what your relationship is supposed to look like, how the way that you communicate is supposed to look like, how a date day is going to look like, and none of those things actually happen, you might end up feeling defeated and feeling like this was the worst idea of my life.
And actually missing the beauty of marriage.
And I think that that happened to us in the very first year of our marriage. I was like, "I don't know what we're doing, and this is different!"
And I didn't sign up for this!
And what is happening?
And every time that somebody says "Soul," I think they're saying "Soul," and I'm just confused all the time.
And it was just an adjustment, right?
And sometimes when you have those expectations, it can be very frustrating, and it can be very defeating.
But just to know that even if it doesn't look like what you thought, it's going to be okay if you work for it.
I like that!
It's a good response!
One of the challenges for me with that is we did do premarital counseling, and so we had a lot of great advice given to us.
And I got in trouble last service for talking about premarital counseling without telling people that we offer premarital counseling at CLC, and it actually starts in February—in like, I think two weeks from now.
It's called "Entwined." You can go to clc.tv/counseling and get all the details for that, but it's our "Entwined" premarital counseling stuff.
But to answer the question, I wish somebody—not necessarily told me, but taught me how to read between the lines.
Cuz I feel like early—like we finally got into a place where I feel like I'm getting there. Like I can kind of see, "Okay, she said this, but her face looked like that."
You know?
Cuz like I think early, our first like three or four or five years, like there was a lot of moments where it was like I thought we were good.
Like I thought when you said, "Yeah, I can go hang out with the guys," that that meant I could go hang out with the guys.
It did not mean that!
And so like I had seen those jokes in movies and TV shows, but it's different when you're experiencing it for yourself.
So I just wish somebody had sat down with me and just walked me through, "Okay, here's how to read between the lines. Here's how to understand, okay, if she said it in this tone, what was her face like? What was she doing at the time?"
Because it all tells the story. The words don't tell you what's going on.
That is some good advice! Solid! Write that down!
Man, that was solid! Solid practical!
Okay, so we have a question from the audience.
What if you are already married to an unbeliever, and he or she is someone of a different faith? Do you get divorced?
No!
And so there's actually some Scripture that can back this up that I have to find.
But Paul gives this instruction because there were a lot of converts to Christianity, obviously, but there were several that it was just the spouse; it wasn't both couples.
And so he gave advice to them to continue loving Christ and being the model in the home for what that looks like.
And so if you've—for me, the unequally yoked thing, that is the pre-marriage goal.
But if you've already gotten married, you're married! Like this is a covenant! This is supposed to be—yeah, most likely, whether you were a Christian or not when you got married, most likely you said, "Until death do us part."
And I think that that still carries importance; that still carries weight.
I believe that marriage is this beautiful image that God gave to us of Christ and the church, and when we get divorced, it's saying Christ is going to abandon the church.
And that just sets a horrible image of what marriage is supposed to represent.
And so, yeah, unequally yoked—that is a really hard place to be. I get it; there's challenges there.
And I would love that maybe something that you need to schedule an appointment with the counseling team to just kind of give greater advice on how to live that out.
But my just blanket statement is divorce is not an option!
So, okay!
Yeah, and I think that the Bible tells us that when we do good works, the Bible says that the other people will glorify our Father in heaven, right?
So I think that when you are a believer and your spouse isn't, I will say invest in your relationship with Jesus.
Be truly transformed! Become somebody that is passionate about God—not just a Sunday Christian, but like an everyday Christian that is basing all of their decisions in Christ.
That is being a true disciple of Jesus—that is fully exhibiting the fruit of the Holy Spirit.
And your spouse is going to start noticing that there's something different—that the way that you react now is different, that the way that you speak to them is different, that the level of patience that you have is not something that they experienced before.
And they will glorify your Father in heaven, meaning they might say, "What are you doing that you're so nice?"
Right? Like, "What is happening that now that you go to church, things are changing? What is with this?"
Right?
Like, "Oh, thank you, God, because my wife is happy!"
Or whatever that might look like.
But when you are being that model, it is definitely going to be like something's different over there, and that curiosity might open the door for you to be able to preach the gospel to your spouse.
So invest in your relationship with Jesus, and of course, pray for your spouse as well.
But make sure that you are truly living it—that it is not a "I say one thing and I do another," but that it is a true faith that is bringing true results and true life change.
And you will see that your spouse is going to notice, and it is even going to say, "I might want some of that too!"
That's good!
Yes, that's so good!
We have another question, but before I go to that question, there's one person that's clapping on this side.
Pray! Thank God! Thank you!
G! Thank you for that clap! She's like, "I'm enjoying this conversation!"
I like it!
Okay, I know this question has to come from someone in our Grace Collective group. We work with the—you know, life group students, I mean, Millennials group here. It's a life group.
And this question—I get this all the time!
Ask this all the time!
What advice would you give singles who've been waiting for marriage?
And they put "long" with a whole bunch of G's!
A long time!
Like, what advice would you give them?
It's hard! It's hard because I don't want to sound insensitive because I understand that when you have a deep desire and a longing for companionship and it's not coming, it can be very depleting, and it can be very depressing, and it can be very lonely.
And I don't want to overlook that part.
But I think that in this season while you are just—you focus on God! Focus on what He has for you to do!
Cuz there's a job for you to do!
And understand that you are complete as a unit, and you are complete when you have somebody else.
But if it's just you, that doesn't mean that you're only half of the equation. You are complete!
You are one! God created you with everything that you need, and you don't need somebody else to complete you.
So if you are secure in who God is and who God has created you to be, you will understand that this season could be a really beautiful season where you can get closer to Jesus, where you can do stuff that you might not be able to do when you get married.
So use the time that you have today to get closer to Him, to work on the purpose that He has you on this earth for, and to just be preparing yourself for whenever He brings a spouse your way.
So what is the kind of husband or wife that you want to be? Who is the person that you will want to be married to?
And you start becoming that too!
Cuz you also bring something to the table!
So if you want somebody that is going to be patient, then start working on your patience!
If you want somebody that is going to be caring, start caring for people!
So start doing the things that you wish on a spouse!
But most of all, like, don't think that you are only half, that you are not complete without a person because you are!
If you have Jesus, you have everything that you need!
And that's why I said I don't want to sound insensitive because I don't want to be like, "Well, I'm married, so it's easy for you to say!"
Cuz it's not! I understand longing and desire, and I know that when you don't have it, it can be very, very hurtful to see other people being happy.
But when you know who you are in Christ, things can change, and your perspective can change.
Yeah, we're almost out of time, but just to jump in there, I love that you use that phrase "happy" because I think it's so dangerous when—if you're single and unhappy, you're not going to become married and happy.
There—like, you got to work on the happy part first!
Cuz like when an unhappy single person marries an unhappy single person, it just creates an unhappy marriage!
Like there's no magic switch that just flips in that moment!
And so what Soul said about, you know, focusing on Jesus—that is the most important thing!
And I know that's kind of a cliched pastory thing to say, but it really is!
Like you need to find your completeness in Christ! It's Christ that completes us!
And so the only thing I hate more than the whole "the one" is "you complete me."
Hollywood has just done a horrible job teaching relationship advice!
And so, yeah, if you're looking for another person to complete you, you got to go back to square one!
Get with Jesus! Recognize that you are complete in Him! In Christ, you are whole!
That's so good!
That's good!
All right, we're going to wrap it up with this last question.
And I hope you guys have been enjoying the conversation! Remember to tune in! We didn't get to all of the questions asked, but remember to tune in on our in-between sermons!
How many of you guys are subscribed?
Okay, so we're going to follow up with more conversation about this and answer some of your questions.
But the last question is: What advice would you give to people listening to your marriage?
I mean, to this message about having a healthy marriage?
That healthy marriage doesn't happen by accident! It takes a lot of work!
You know, and sometimes you see other people that have a good marriage, and you just think, "Well, they just got married to the right person," right?
Or they just got married to an easy person, and that's why they are so happy!
But you don't know the level of work that they have put into their marriage!
So don't compare your marriage to anybody else, and don't think that a godly marriage is going to happen just by accident!
You're going to have to work for it!
And it is a work that is worth it! And it is a work that is going to better your life!
You know, because you're going to be with that person for a long time!
And so you want to have a godly marriage, but it requires work!
It requires teamwork! It requires personal work! It requires work as a two! It requires work when you have kids!
So it is an ever-evolving job!
And I think that you need to just be willing to put in the work so that you can have the marriage that you desire and that you have dreamed of!
Because it is available to you, but it is not free!
That's good!
I like your answer more than I like my answer!
But I feel—I don't know who this is for, but you got to understand love is an action; lust is a feeling!
And don't confuse the two!
And so going into relationships, understand that love is an action! Love requires work! Love requires sacrifice!
And if you claim you love somebody but you're not putting in the work that is required to even use that word, then you don't love them; you just lusted after them!
And so lust is the feeling; love is the action! Serve! Sacrifice! Put their needs above your own!
Go into the relationship asking the question, "What can I do for them?" not "What are they doing for me?"
And so, yeah, just don't mix those things up!
And then just the last, the very, very last thing is don't leave God out of it!
God, if you want a God-centered marriage, you cannot have it without God!
So you have to bring God into everything that you do! Bring prayer into everything that you do!
Bring the Scriptures into everything that you do—not just for you personally, but for your marriage!
That you go to God first with every single issue, with every single thing, with every victory, with everything!
You cannot leave God out of your marriage if you want a godly marriage!
So good!
Well, thank you, Pastor Brent and Pastor Soul, for sharing with us! We had a great time gleaming from your God advice!
So again, thank you guys for participating, and we're going to call Pastor Asa up to close us out!
But thank you again for your time!
All right, give them a hand! Wasn't that good? Good, good, good!
So I'm going to take this opportunity, 'cause after the last service, I talked a little trash 'cause my wife was upstairs.
So I'm going to take this opportunity to say, "Baby, I'm sorry! Don't watch the tape on the last one! No, I'm sorry!"
So anyway, Wednesday we have Encounter Night coming up!
Now, what is that? So we have first Wednesdays here where we go deeper into worship and prayer and communion.
But now we just named it something—Encounter Night—which happens every first Wednesday of the month!
So be here at 7:00! We're going to worship God, give God the glory, and it's going to be good!
First time guest?
Yes! Don't forget to go to The Loft! We have a gift for you there!
So don't forget! Don't sneak out! I'm going to hunt you down!
Y'all figured out our joke by now! First time guest? I'm sorry! I won't hunt you down!
And altar team, can you please come to the front? Because we would like to have prayer available for those that need prayer.
So if you need prayer, feel free to come forward after we give the blessing and dismiss.
If you don't mind standing up, I will do that! Pray for me too for all these jokes! My wife!
All right, y'all ready for this blessing?
The Lord bless you and keep you! The Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you! The Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace!
on Mar 10, 2024
