Words of Affirmation: Cultivating Holiness in Marriage

This morning, as the sunlight broke through the fog and filled our sanctuary, it was a vivid reminder of how God’s goodness breaks into our lives, illuminating even the most ordinary moments. We are called to see His goodness “in the land of the living”—in our friendships, families, and especially in our marriages. As we continue our journey through Ephesians, we find ourselves in chapter five, where Paul gives profound instructions for marriage, likening it to a garden that needs tending, nurturing, and, most importantly, watering.

Marriage, at its core, is not about the pursuit of happiness but about the pursuit of holiness. When Adam and Eve fell, the very soil of marriage was tainted, and the effects of the curse landed differently on men and women. For women, the curse touched their bodies; for men, their work. Yet, in Christ, we are given the opportunity to reverse the effects of the curse, especially through the words we speak to one another.

Paul’s command for husbands to “wash their wives with the water of the word” is not about wielding scripture as a weapon or pointing out flaws, but about using our spoken words—rhema—to affirm, sanctify, and cleanse. The power of a husband’s words can either reinforce the curse or bring healing and blessing. The Song of Solomon gives us a beautiful example: when the bride feels unattractive and unworthy, her beloved repeatedly affirms her beauty, creating a new reality for her through his words. This is the call for every husband—to be the chief affirmer and encourager, to see and speak the best in his wife, and to create an environment where she can flourish.

Affirmation and accentuation are the two pillars of this calling. Just as Christ sees us as perfect and beloved, husbands are to see their wives through the same lens, speaking words that build up and cherish. We are naturally prone to notice what’s missing or broken, but discipline is required to focus on what is good, right, and beautiful. A practical guideline is to offer at least five affirmations for every one criticism, ensuring that our words are a source of life and not of discouragement.

For those who are single, widowed, or whose spouses are not believers, the ultimate affirmation comes from Christ Himself. He calls us beloved, cleansed, and accepted—not because of our perfection, but because of His grace. Communion reminds us that we are welcomed as we are, and it is Christ who transforms us from the inside out.

Key Takeaways

• 1. The Power of Spoken Words in Marriage The words we speak to our spouses have the power to either reinforce the effects of the curse or to bring healing and blessing. Husbands are called to “wash” their wives with affirming, life-giving words, just as Christ does for the church. This is not about correction or criticism, but about creating an environment where love and holiness can flourish. [41:49]
• 2. Affirmation Reflects Christ’s Love Just as Jesus sees us as perfect and beloved despite our flaws, husbands are to affirm their wives, seeing them through the eyes of grace. This affirmation is not based on external perfection but on a deep, covenantal love that chooses to see and speak the best. Such affirmation creates a safe space for growth and intimacy. [55:21]
• 3. Accentuate Strengths, Not Flaws We are naturally inclined to notice what is broken or missing—what psychologists call “missing tile syndrome.” Instead, we are called to accentuate our spouse’s strengths, talents, and beauty, just as we tend to do for ourselves. This discipline of focusing on the good requires intentionality and prayer, but it transforms the atmosphere of the marriage. [60:20]
• 4. The Five-to-One Principle A practical way to ensure our words are life-giving is to maintain a ratio of at least five affirmations for every one criticism. This not only helps our spouse feel valued and cherished but also makes it easier for them to receive correction when needed. The goal is to be a source of encouragement, not discouragement, reflecting the heart of Christ in our daily interactions. [64:13]
• 5. Christ’s Affirmation is Foundational for All Whether married or single, the most important voice in our lives is that of Jesus, who calls us beloved, cleansed, and accepted. His affirmation is unconditional and precedes any transformation in our lives. Communion is a weekly reminder that we are welcomed as we are, and it is Christ who changes us, not our own efforts.
  
  ** [66:57]

Youtube Chapters

• [00:00] - Welcome
• [34:25] - The Light Breaking Through: God’s Goodness
• [36:06] - Praying to See God’s Goodness
• [37:17] - Introduction to the Marriage Series
• [38:03] - The Broken Soil of Marriage
• [39:03] - Men and Women: The Two Plants
• [40:36] - The Watering of Marriage: Ephesians 5
• [41:49] - Washing with the Water of the Word
• [42:55] - The Power of the Spoken Word (Rhema)
• [44:16] - The Curse and Its Effects on Men and Women
• [45:33] - Reversing the Curse with Our Words
• [46:14] - Song of Solomon: The Power of Affirmation
• [49:17] - The King’s Response: You Are Beautiful
• [52:02] - The Transforming Power of Affirmation
• [54:37] - Two Markers: Affirmation and Accentuating
• [60:20] - Accentuate Her Strengths
• [63:00] - Missing Tile Syndrome
• [64:13] - The Five-to-One Principle
• [66:30] - Christ’s Words for Every Believer
• [73:08] - Communion: The Order of Grace
• [75:35] - Invitation to Prayer and Baptism
• [76:09] - Closing Blessing

Bible Reading

Ephesians 5:25–29 (ESV) — > Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.

Observation Questions

1. According to Ephesians 5, what does it mean for husbands to “wash” their wives with the water of the word? What kind of “word” is Paul talking about? ([41:49])
2. In the Song of Solomon, how does the bride describe herself, and how does her beloved respond to her feelings of unworthiness? ([48:18])
3. What are the two main ways the sermon says husbands should use their words toward their wives? ([54:37])
4. What is the “five-to-one” principle mentioned in the sermon, and why is it important? ([01:04:13])

Interpretation Questions

1. Why do you think Paul compares the relationship between a husband and wife to Christ and the church? What does this say about the purpose of marriage? ([40:36])
2. The sermon says that affirmation and accentuating strengths are key to a healthy marriage. Why might it be so hard to focus on the good instead of the flaws in our spouse or others? ([01:03:00])
3. The pastor mentions that the curse from Genesis affects men and women differently. How do our words have the power to either reinforce or reverse the effects of that curse in marriage? ([45:33])
4. For those who are single, widowed, or have unbelieving spouses, what does the sermon say about where our deepest affirmation should come from? ([01:06:30])

Application Questions

1. Think about the words you most often speak to your spouse, family, or close friends. Are they more often affirming or critical? What is one specific way you could increase your affirmations this week? ([01:04:13])
2. The sermon challenges us to give at least five affirmations for every criticism. What would it look like for you to put this into practice in your home? Can you think of a recent situation where you could have done this differently? ([01:04:13])
3. When was the last time you intentionally accentuated the strengths or gifts of your spouse or a close friend? How did it affect them? How did it affect you? ([01:01:45])
4. The pastor shared how the Song of Solomon’s bride changed her view of herself because of her beloved’s words. Is there someone in your life who needs to hear words of affirmation from you to help them see themselves differently? ([52:02])
5. If you are single, widowed, or your spouse is not a believer, how can you remind yourself of Christ’s affirmation and love for you this week? Is there a practice (like communion, prayer, or journaling) that helps you remember your identity in Christ? ([01:06:30])
6. The sermon talked about “missing tile syndrome”—focusing on what’s broken instead of what’s good. What is one area in your marriage, family, or friendships where you tend to focus on the negative? What would it look like to intentionally look for and speak about what is good? ([01:03:00])
7. The pastor said that marriage is more about the pursuit of holiness than happiness. How does this perspective challenge or encourage you in your current season of life? ([38:03])