Transforming Relationships Through Positive Relational Habits

 

Summary

Today, we explored the profound impact of relational habits on our lives. While we often focus on devotional habits like prayer and Bible reading, it's crucial to recognize the habits that shape our interactions with others. These relational habits can either build or break our connections. I introduced five destructive habits that can damage relationships: always needing to be right, controlling others, unbridled self-expression, retaliation, and withdrawal. Each of these habits can create barriers between us and those we care about, preventing genuine connection and understanding.

The first habit, always needing to be right, can alienate others. Jesus exemplified how to be right without hurting others, a lesson we can all learn from. The second habit, controlling others, often stems from a desire to mold people into our image rather than accepting them as they are. True acceptance, rather than forced change, fosters healthier relationships. The third habit, unbridled self-expression, can harm others if not tempered with self-control. It's better to carefully choose our words than to cause unnecessary pain.

Retaliation, the fourth habit, keeps us trapped in a cycle of hurt and revenge. Instead of seeking to get even, we should strive for forgiveness and release. Finally, withdrawal, the fifth habit, is a passive-aggressive way to control others, but it never leads to genuine change or growth. Instead of withdrawing, we should engage in open and honest communication.

To counter these destructive habits, I propose adopting the habit of asking questions. Jesus, who knew all answers, often asked questions to engage others and invite them to share their deeper selves. By asking open-ended questions, we show genuine curiosity and love, fostering deeper connections. This habit encourages us to listen actively and respond thoughtfully, allowing us to enter more deeply into the lives of others.

Key Takeaways:

1. The Danger of Being Right: Always needing to be right can harm relationships. Jesus showed us how to be right without hurting others, emphasizing the importance of humility and understanding in our interactions. [02:07]

2. Acceptance Over Control: Instead of trying to control others, we should offer acceptance. True acceptance allows people to be themselves, fostering healthier and more genuine relationships. [03:43]

3. The Power of Self-Control: Unbridled self-expression can damage relationships. Practicing self-control, a fruit of the Spirit, helps us choose our words carefully and avoid unnecessary harm. [04:24]

4. Forgiveness Over Retaliation: Retaliation keeps us trapped in a cycle of hurt. Choosing forgiveness and release allows us to move forward and build healthier relationships. [05:23]

5. Engagement Through Questions: Asking questions, as Jesus did, invites others to share their deeper selves. This habit fosters genuine curiosity and love, leading to deeper connections. [09:19]

Youtube Chapters:

[00:00] - Welcome
[00:41] - The Importance of Habits
[01:17] - Relational Habits
[01:54] - Replacing Bad Habits
[02:07] - Always Needing to Be Right
[03:00] - Controlling Others
[03:57] - Unbridled Self-Expression
[04:54] - Retaliation
[05:36] - Withdrawal
[06:40] - The Golden Habit
[07:28] - The Power of Questions
[08:24] - Engaging with Others
[09:19] - Love Asks Questions
[10:03] - Building New Habits
[10:19] - Closing Remarks

Study Guide

Bible Study Discussion Guide: Relational Habits

Bible Reading:
1. James 1:19-20 - "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
2. Ephesians 4:29 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
3. Matthew 7:1-5 - "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Observation Questions:
1. What are the five destructive relational habits mentioned in the sermon, and how do they impact our relationships? [01:17]
2. How did Jesus exemplify being right without hurting others, according to the sermon? [02:07]
3. What is the significance of asking questions in building relationships, as highlighted in the sermon? [09:19]
4. How does the sermon describe the habit of withdrawal, and why is it considered ineffective? [06:26]

Interpretation Questions:
1. How does the concept of being "quick to listen, slow to speak" from James 1:19-20 relate to the sermon’s emphasis on asking questions and engaging others? [09:19]
2. In what ways does Ephesians 4:29 support the sermon’s point about the power of self-control and choosing words carefully? [04:24]
3. How might the passage from Matthew 7:1-5 about judgment relate to the sermon’s discussion on acceptance over control? [03:43]
4. What does the sermon suggest about the role of forgiveness in breaking the cycle of retaliation? [05:23]

Application Questions:
1. Reflect on a recent interaction where you felt the need to be right. How could you have approached it differently to foster understanding and humility? [02:07]
2. Identify a relationship where you tend to exert control. What steps can you take to practice acceptance and allow the other person to be themselves? [03:43]
3. Think of a time when unbridled self-expression led to hurt feelings. How can you practice self-control in future conversations to avoid unnecessary harm? [04:24]
4. Consider someone you have been holding a grudge against. What would it look like to choose forgiveness and release instead of seeking retaliation? [05:23]
5. Recall a situation where you withdrew from someone instead of engaging in open communication. How can you approach similar situations differently in the future? [06:26]
6. Practice asking open-ended questions in your next conversation. What question can you ask to show genuine curiosity and love? [09:19]
7. Reflect on a person in your life who you find difficult to accept. What is one practical step you can take this week to show them acceptance rather than trying to change them? [03:43]

Devotional

Day 1: The Humility of Being Right
In our interactions, the need to always be right can create distance and alienate those we care about. This habit often stems from pride and a lack of humility. Jesus demonstrated how to be right without causing harm, emphasizing the importance of humility and understanding. By following His example, we can learn to prioritize relationships over being right, fostering an environment of love and acceptance. When we let go of the need to be right, we open ourselves to deeper connections and understanding with others. [02:07]

James 3:17-18 (ESV): "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

Reflection: Think of a recent disagreement where you insisted on being right. How could humility have changed the outcome of that interaction?


Day 2: Embracing Acceptance Over Control
The desire to control others often arises from a need to shape them into our own image, rather than accepting them as they are. This habit can stifle relationships and prevent genuine connection. True acceptance, as modeled by Jesus, allows people to be themselves, fostering healthier and more authentic relationships. By letting go of control, we create space for others to grow and flourish in their own unique ways. Acceptance is a powerful tool for building trust and deepening our connections with others. [03:43]

Romans 15:7 (ESV): "Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God."

Reflection: Identify someone in your life whom you often try to control. How can you practice acceptance and allow them to be themselves today?


Day 3: The Discipline of Self-Control
Unbridled self-expression can lead to hurt and misunderstanding in relationships. Practicing self-control, a fruit of the Spirit, helps us choose our words carefully and avoid unnecessary harm. By exercising self-control, we can communicate more effectively and build stronger, more respectful relationships. This discipline allows us to express ourselves in ways that are considerate and loving, reflecting the character of Christ in our interactions. [04:24]

Proverbs 25:28 (ESV): "A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls."

Reflection: Reflect on a recent conversation where you spoke without restraint. How can you practice self-control in your words and actions today?


Day 4: Choosing Forgiveness Over Retaliation
Retaliation keeps us trapped in a cycle of hurt and revenge, preventing healing and growth. Choosing forgiveness and release allows us to move forward and build healthier relationships. Forgiveness is a powerful act of love that breaks the cycle of hurt and opens the door to reconciliation. By forgiving others, we reflect the grace and mercy of Christ, creating an environment where healing and restoration can occur. [05:23]

Colossians 3:13 (ESV): "Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."

Reflection: Think of someone you need to forgive. What steps can you take today to begin the process of forgiveness and release?


Day 5: The Art of Asking Questions
Asking questions, as Jesus did, invites others to share their deeper selves and fosters genuine curiosity and love. This habit encourages us to listen actively and respond thoughtfully, allowing us to enter more deeply into the lives of others. By asking open-ended questions, we show that we value and care for the person, creating a space for meaningful dialogue and connection. This practice can transform our relationships, leading to deeper understanding and intimacy. [09:19]

Proverbs 20:5 (ESV): "The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out."

Reflection: Consider a relationship where you desire deeper connection. What open-ended question can you ask today to invite the other person to share more of themselves?

Quotes


habits are way more than just kind of shoe driving a car and when it comes to our lives they're more than simply cultivating what we might think of as devotional habits like spending time regularly in prayer or reading the Bible as important and good as those things are and one of the dangers with habits is we get regimented into them and we think that because I'm cultivating this habit that makes me a good person oh no it doesn't so what I want to talk to you today is in the category of relational habits not something that people tend to think of as devotional habits [00:00:50]

always try to be right Dallas wood used to say it's a very difficult thing in life to be right and not hurt anybody with it and one of the most amazing things about Jesus is he was right and he didn't hurt people did you like sitting next to the kid in class that was always right when you're going to school and it is possible to live another way I think about my friend Mark you might have heard him he teaches philosophy and he's one of the smartest guys I know I have never heard him make someone feel silly or dumber than him even though almost all of us are dumber than him [00:02:07]

when you talk with Mark no matter what you say he will genuinely honestly look for something of Interest or truth or worthwhile in what you say and build the conversational Bridge from there man my uh I I constantly learn from him because of my need to try to make myself sound smarter than I actually am second habit is controlling your partner always with a whole bunch of folks that are married quite recently and um when it comes to another person's manners or temperament or uh if one person is a spiritual person often wanting the other person to go to church with me and to be the same way that I am to let go of that [00:02:47]

I remember reading years ago loose Meads wrote about a dad who was disappointed in his daughter wanted her to be different and she was often depressed and he said to Lou I've realized that I must forgive my daughter and we said no no no you must accept her forgiveness is what you offer someone when they have wronged you acceptance is something that you offer to someone when you are trying to control them and make them into the person you want them to be rather than the person that they actually are now their habit is practicing unbridled self-expression I just want to be able to let it rip I want to be able to say when I feel like it just makes me feel natural that way [00:03:11]

another wonderful moment many years ago with Dallas I remember summing somebody coming up to him and they were lamenting it just feels laborious to have to watch my words so that they don't do damage in other people's lives and they said that Dallas I feel like I always gotta walk on eggshells and he said better to walk on eggshells carefully than always be breaking eggs and so to think you know the fruit of one of the fruit of the spirit is self-control and to bring my tongue under the power of God the power of the spirit of course the opposite of unbridled expression is bridled and uh the bit goes into the tongue so that's another one [00:04:06]

then a fourth habit is retaliation against your partner or against your friend or against your enemy I gotta get even my friend Rankin sent me something quite recently and it was just this wonderful slice of somebody's therapy with a therapist and the therapist talked about you know what as long as you go through your life obsessing ruminating over somebody that hurt you how could I get back at them what could I do how can I make sure to inflict pain on them how do I know they get I'm the one that's in prison I'm the one that is at her life is always about this moment and then the next moment moving into the future and I cannot do that if I'm changing my need to retaliate against somebody that uh has done something to me that I don't like [00:04:50]

and then the fifth habit is withdrawing from other people if you do something that disappoints me or that I don't like and I don't want the energy that would be required for a direct conversation I can try to control you by just withdrawing getting a little bit quiet getting a little bit distant showing you by my body language that you have hurt me so that you will feel really bad and then be motivated to change and be the person that I want you to be and it's too bad because withdrawing is one of the things that I do best but I have never yet had it work effectively I've never had anybody come back to me and say you know what because you pouted and uh gave me the cold shoulder and weren't as responsive to me and we're a little distant a little civil and a little polite enough so that I knew that you were doing it but not enough so that I could actually talk to you about it because you have done that I'm a better person today [00:05:38]

here's a remarkable gift to give to other people and relationships I was reading by a guy who used to be the head of Andover Newton theological School he wrote about Jesus that by his count Jesus asked 304 questions his name is Mark he wrote that Jesus was was himself asked by other people I think I think it was 187 questions and he actually only answered three usually if he was asked a question he would come back with another question what's interesting is God himself does this in the Book of Genesis when he sees Adam as soon as there's the fall where were you when I came were you hiding did you eat the fruit when he comes to Cain where is your brother God is asking those questions not because he does not know but because questions are the way that we invite other people to engage with us and disclose to us their deeper selves and it's amazing that God wants to do that and Jesus who is the person who knew everything [00:06:46]

so here's the habit when I'm in conversation with another person I will ask a question when I talk to another person when I see a person and I can be engaged with them I will ask them a question I will try to make it open-ended I will think about some questions for people in particular in my life what fills you with joy these days what's energizing for you what feels like it's changed what was a high point yesterday what was a low point yesterday to think about that when I see another person I engage in conversation I will ask a question and then I will Plunge in I admire so much I think about people I know and love well who not only ask questions they never do it out of a sense of um obligation or this is what you're supposed to do they actually do it out of curiosity because love asks that's what love does love wants to know love wants to connect and so love asks to ask a question and then it's almost like you're throwing a rock into the pool and then you dive in right behind it plunge into the conversation and look how does the person respond [00:08:27]

what do they say so I'm listening and I can actually remember and what does their face look like and what is their tone of voice communicate how could I respond to this in a way that might allow me to enter more deeply into the life of this person who is made in the image of God there are people who have cultivated the habit of great conversational capacity I want to be one of those people so that's it as you go through the day when I'm talking to somebody I will ask one question and and when I do I'm just doing a little eyebrow twitch right now because that kind of reminds me inside that's that little reward I did it love is have it for me [00:09:33]

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Transcript
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