Transforming Relationships: The Honor Game
Summary
In our new series, "Games We Play," we explore the competitive nature inherent in many of us and how it often spills over into our relationships, creating unnecessary conflict and division. While games and competition can be enjoyable and even beneficial in certain contexts, they become detrimental when applied to our personal relationships. The essence of this series is to identify and eliminate the unhealthy games we play in our relationships and replace them with a more constructive and spiritually enriching approach.
Many of us have experienced the negative impact of competition in relationships, whether at home, work, or in our communities. Arguments and conflicts often leave us feeling like we've won a battle but lost the war, as the relationship itself suffers. The key insight here is that in relationships, a game that requires a loser is a game where everyone ultimately loses. The true win in any relationship is the relationship itself—mutually satisfying, enjoyable, and beneficial.
We discussed several common relational games, such as the change game, the guessing game, the guilt game, and the blame game, among others. These games are often played unconsciously and can become habitual, leading to a cycle of conflict and dissatisfaction. The challenge is to recognize these patterns in ourselves and consciously choose to stop playing these games.
Instead, we are invited to play a different kind of game—the honor game. Introduced by the Apostle Paul, this game encourages us to honor others above ourselves, treating them as if they deserve more honor than we do. This is not about whether they actually deserve it; it's a choice we make to value others and put them first. This approach transforms relationships, fostering an environment where everyone feels valued and respected.
The honor game is not just a personal choice but a reflection of the attitude of Christ, who, despite being God, chose to serve others and treat them with honor. As followers of Jesus, we are called to adopt this same attitude, making it a daily practice to out-honor those around us. This is the game where everyone wins, as it builds stronger, more loving, and more fulfilling relationships.
Key Takeaways:
- The Detriment of Relational Competition: In relationships, any game that requires a loser results in everyone losing. The true victory in relationships is the relationship itself, which should be mutually satisfying and beneficial. [06:20]
- Recognizing Unhealthy Games: Common relational games like the change game, guessing game, and blame game can become habitual and destructive. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healthier interactions. [10:17]
- The Honor Game: The Apostle Paul introduces the honor game, where we are encouraged to honor others above ourselves. This involves treating others as if they deserve more honor, regardless of whether they actually do. [21:52]
- Following Christ's Example: Jesus exemplified the honor game by treating others as more important than himself. As his followers, we are called to adopt this attitude, transforming our relationships and communities. [31:33]
- The Transformative Power of Honor: Playing the honor game can transform relationships, making them more loving and fulfilling. It requires us to stop playing other destructive games and focus on valuing and serving others. [35:04]
Youtube Chapters:
[00:00] - Welcome
[00:09] - Introduction to "Games We Play"
[00:32] - The Love for Competition
[01:24] - Personal Story: Avoiding Competition
[02:07] - The Joy of Watching Others Compete
[03:22] - Over-Competitiveness in Games
[05:22] - The Harm of Relational Competition
[06:03] - Winning Arguments at Home
[08:20] - The Unhealthy Games We Play
[10:17] - Common Relational Games
[15:02] - The Family of Origin Game
[16:43] - The Motive Assignment Game
[19:00] - Introducing the Honor Game
[21:52] - Honoring Others Above Yourself
[30:59] - Christ's Example of Honor
[35:04] - The Transformative Power of the Honor Game
Study Guide
Bible Study Discussion Guide: "Games We Play"
Bible Reading:
1. Romans 12:10 - "Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves."
2. Philippians 2:3 - "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves."
3. Philippians 2:5-7 - "In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant."
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Observation Questions:
1. What are some of the relational games mentioned in the sermon that can lead to conflict and dissatisfaction? [09:48]
2. How does the Apostle Paul describe the "honor game" in his letter to the Romans? [21:52]
3. What example does the sermon give of Jesus playing the honor game, and how does it relate to our relationships? [31:33]
4. According to the sermon, what is the ultimate win in any relationship? [09:04]
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Interpretation Questions:
1. How might the "honor game" transform relationships in a workplace setting, according to the sermon? [19:44]
2. In what ways does the sermon suggest that playing relational games can be detrimental to personal relationships? [06:20]
3. How does the sermon interpret Philippians 2:3 in the context of valuing others above oneself? [22:58]
4. What does the sermon imply about the importance of following Christ's example in our daily interactions? [31:33]
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Application Questions:
1. Reflect on a recent conflict you had. Did you play any of the relational games mentioned in the sermon? How could you have approached the situation differently? [09:48]
2. Identify a relationship in your life where you often feel the need to "win." How can you start playing the honor game in that relationship this week? [21:52]
3. Think of a person you find difficult to honor. What specific action can you take to treat them as if they deserve more honor than you do? [22:33]
4. How can you incorporate the mindset of Christ, as described in Philippians 2:5-7, into your interactions with family members? [31:33]
5. Consider a time when you felt dishonored by someone. How did it affect your relationship with them? How might playing the honor game have changed the outcome? [29:04]
6. What are some practical steps you can take to stop playing the blame or guilt game in your relationships? [12:05]
7. How can you encourage others in your community or workplace to adopt the honor game? What impact do you think it would have? [19:44]
Devotional
Day 1: The True Victory in Relationships
In relationships, the competitive nature that often drives us to win can lead to a situation where everyone loses. The essence of a healthy relationship is not about winning arguments or proving oneself right but about nurturing a mutually satisfying and beneficial connection. When we engage in relational competition, we may win a battle but lose the war, as the relationship itself suffers. The true victory in any relationship is the relationship itself, where both parties feel valued and understood. Recognizing this can help us shift our focus from winning to building a stronger bond. [06:20]
"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3-4, ESV)
Reflection: Think of a recent conflict where you prioritized winning over the relationship. How can you approach similar situations differently in the future to prioritize the relationship?
Day 2: Recognizing Destructive Patterns
Many of us unconsciously engage in relational games like the change game, guessing game, and blame game, which can become habitual and destructive. These games often lead to a cycle of conflict and dissatisfaction, as they are based on assumptions and unmet expectations. Recognizing these patterns in ourselves is the first step toward healthier interactions. By becoming aware of these games, we can consciously choose to stop playing them and instead focus on open communication and understanding. [10:17]
"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3, ESV)
Reflection: Identify a relational game you often play. What steps can you take today to break this pattern and foster healthier communication?
Day 3: The Honor Game
The Apostle Paul introduces the concept of the honor game, where we are encouraged to honor others above ourselves. This involves treating others as if they deserve more honor, regardless of whether they actually do. By choosing to value others and put them first, we create an environment where everyone feels respected and valued. This approach transforms relationships, making them more loving and fulfilling. [21:52]
"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." (Romans 12:10, ESV)
Reflection: Think of someone you find difficult to honor. How can you intentionally show them honor today, even if you feel they don't deserve it?
Day 4: Following Christ's Example
Jesus exemplified the honor game by treating others as more important than himself, despite being God. As his followers, we are called to adopt this same attitude, making it a daily practice to out-honor those around us. This is not just a personal choice but a reflection of the attitude of Christ, who chose to serve others and treat them with honor. By following his example, we can transform our relationships and communities, fostering an environment of love and respect. [31:33]
"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Mark 10:45, ESV)
Reflection: In what ways can you serve someone in your life today, following Christ's example of humility and honor?
Day 5: The Transformative Power of Honor
Playing the honor game can transform relationships, making them more loving and fulfilling. It requires us to stop playing other destructive games and focus on valuing and serving others. By choosing to honor others above ourselves, we create a positive and nurturing environment where everyone feels valued and respected. This approach not only strengthens individual relationships but also has the power to transform entire communities. [35:04]
"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4, ESV)
Reflection: Reflect on a relationship that needs transformation. How can you begin to play the honor game in this relationship, and what changes do you hope to see as a result?
Quotes
A game that requires a loser is a game nobody wins. That when it comes to relationships, any kind of challenge, any kind of game we play, we're gonna talk about a few in just a bit. Any kind of competition that's relationally driven is a game that requires a loser and a game that requires a loser ultimately relationally is a game that nobody wins. Everybody loses. [00:06:05]
The win is a mutually satisfying, mutually enjoyable relationship. There's not an individual win. If there's an individual win and an individual loss, it's just a loss because relationally speaking, if somebody loses, it's a loss for the relationship. The win in your most important relationships is in fact the relationship. Mutually satisfying, mutually enjoyable, mutually beneficial. [00:09:08]
There's the change game where I'm going to figure out how to change you without you knowing that I'm changing you because I think you need to be changed, right? Actually, I'm trying to fix you, but I didn't wanna put the word fix up here because you know, you got into the relationship and this person has some issues. [00:10:21]
The guessing game goes like this. I'm not gonna tell you what's wrong. You have to guess. And we're gonna go through at least three rounds of, "What's wrong?", "Nothing." "What's wrong?", "Nothing." "What's wrong?", "Nothing." We gotta go three rounds of that. And then I'm gonna say, "Well, if I have to tell you it's because you don't really care." [00:11:01]
The Apostle Paul took the teachings of Jesus and he contextualized them and explained them for non-Jewish people because he went to the non-Jewish world to explain that God had done something in the world, for the world by sending his son into the world. So in his letters, he teases out how to follow Jesus as a non-Jewish person. [00:18:26]
He says, "Giving honor, one another, going before." Bad grammar for us. But this had a point, this made a point. Giving honor, in other words, I want you to be devoted to one another and here's what it looks like. I want you to give honor, one another, going before, and here's his point, it's so powerful. [00:21:51]
I want you to choose to treat the people around you as if they deserve more honor than you do." Well, do they? Paul would say, "That's not the point. I'm not saying they do deserve it. I'm saying I want you to choose. It's a daily choice. I want you to choose to honor the people around you as if they actually literally deserve more honor than you do." [00:22:40]
He says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit." I mean, if we just embrace this for a month, the world would change, right? But he says, "Do nothing out of vain, out selfish ambition or vain conceit." And then here's our big idea. "Rather" He says, "In humility" Here it is again, says it a different way. "Value others above yourself." [00:22:48]
He treated people as if they were more important than he was. And they weren't. They literally were not more important than him. He's God in a body. After the crucifixion and the resurrection, it's like, after the resurrection, Jewish men and women worshiped him, which was unheard of. You don't worship people. Even the Romans didn't worship living people. [00:31:33]
He treated you as if you were more important than him. He treated me as if I was more important than him because he took my sin and he took your sin on himself and died in public as a slave and as a traitor to his nation and the empire. And he wasn't. And if our king did that for us, we lose all of our excuse not to do that for each other. [00:34:04]
The goal is to out honor, to out serve, to out compliment, to out give. But in order to play that game, we've gotta stop with all the other games. They are incompatible. All those other games we listed and all the iterations of all those games, they actually undermine. They work in the opposite direction of the honor games. [00:35:04]
If you're a Jesus follower, we have no excuse not to. He says he made himself nothing. He made himself nothing by taking the very nature and the form of a servant, which means, you know what servants do? They step back. They let you go first. Servant to who? Servant to you, servant to me. [00:35:04]
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