Transforming Conflict: From Selfishness to Unity in Marriage
Summary
### Summary
In today's sermon, we explored the profound transformation that marriage requires, shifting from individualistic thinking to a unified "we" mindset. This shift impacts every aspect of life, from time management to finances and even daily routines. Using personal anecdotes, I illustrated how these adjustments can lead to moments of tension but also to deeper understanding and compromise. We then delved into James 4:1-10, where James asks, "What causes quarrels and fights among you?" The answer, he suggests, lies not in external circumstances but in the internal war of desires and passions within us.
James points out that our conflicts often stem from selfish ambitions and unmet desires. We covet, scheme, and even fight to get what we want, revealing a deeper issue of idolatry and spiritual adultery. These internal battles manifest as external conflicts, whether in our marriages, workplaces, or daily interactions. The root cause is our tendency to elevate our desires above God's will, leading to manipulation, arguments, and even extreme actions like murder, as seen in the story of Cain and Abel.
The solution, James suggests, is humility and submission to God. By humbling ourselves, resisting the devil, and drawing near to God, we can receive His grace and find true peace. This involves a deep, honest examination of our desires and motives, bringing them before God in prayer. When we include God in our daily struggles and desires, He transforms our hearts, helping us to let go of selfish ambitions and embrace His will.
In conclusion, the key to resolving conflicts lies in addressing the internal war within us. By submitting our desires to God and seeking His guidance, we can experience true peace and unity in our relationships.
### Key Takeaways
1. Shift from "I" to "We" in Marriage: Marriage requires a fundamental shift from individualistic thinking to a unified "we" mindset. This affects every aspect of life, from time management to finances and daily routines. Embracing this shift can lead to deeper understanding and compromise, fostering a stronger, more unified relationship. [00:46]
2. Internal Desires Fuel External Conflicts: James 4:1-2 reveals that our external conflicts often stem from internal desires and passions. We covet, scheme, and fight to get what we want, leading to relational tensions. Recognizing this internal war is the first step towards resolving external conflicts. [03:24]
3. Idolatry and Spiritual Adultery: Our conflicts are often rooted in idolatry and spiritual adultery, where we elevate our desires above God's will. This leads to manipulation, arguments, and even extreme actions. By identifying and addressing these deeper issues, we can find true peace and unity. [18:35]
4. Humility and Submission to God: The solution to our conflicts lies in humility and submission to God. By humbling ourselves, resisting the devil, and drawing near to God, we can receive His grace and find true peace. This involves a deep, honest examination of our desires and motives, bringing them before God in prayer. [34:50]
5. Practical Steps for Conflict Resolution: To resolve conflicts, ask yourself three questions: What do I want? Am I holding onto this too tightly? What would it take for me to submit this to God? By addressing these questions, we can have healthier conflicts and move towards true peace and unity in our relationships. [40:53]
### YouTube Chapters
[0:00] - Welcome
[00:46] - The Shift in Marriage
[01:29] - First Moment of Tension
[02:45] - What Causes Quarrels?
[03:24] - Internal Desires and External Conflicts
[04:13] - James' Diagnosis
[05:18] - Handling Conflict Differently
[06:32] - Absorbing Tension
[07:55] - The War Inside Us
[09:30] - Selfish Ambition and Jealousy
[11:02] - Children's Conflicts
[12:31] - Adult Conflicts
[14:13] - Deeper Issues in Conflicts
[17:04] - Asking God for What We Want
[18:35] - Idolatry and Spiritual Adultery
[20:04] - Including God in Our Desires
[21:36] - Prayer Changes Us
[22:21] - Adultery and Idolatry
[23:17] - Elevating Desires Above God
[24:14] - Biblical Examples of Idolatry
[25:06] - Abandoning God for Idols
[25:54] - Cracked Cisterns
[26:39] - Romans on Idolatry
[27:13] - Worshiping Creation Over Creator
[28:05] - Consequences of Idolatry
[28:59] - Idolatry and Conflict
[29:56] - The Idol Test
[30:37] - Parenting and Idolatry
[31:17] - Justifying Arguments
[31:55] - Holding Desires Loosely
[32:26] - Scheming and Manipulating
[33:33] - Marriage and Manipulation
[34:18] - Holding on Too Tightly
[34:50] - Grace for Unfaithfulness
[35:30] - Humility and Submission
[36:09] - Receiving Grace
[36:40] - Posture of Humility
[37:15] - Drawing Near to God
[37:43] - Letting Go in Conflict
[38:13] - Resisting the Devil
[38:42] - Entertaining Dark Thoughts
[39:12] - Drawing Near to God
[39:44] - Questions for Conflict Resolution
[40:53] - Healthier Conflicts
[41:26] - Personal Triggers
[41:52] - Growing Through Conflict
[42:41] - Generous in Grace
[43:31] - Closing Prayer
Study Guide
### Bible Study Discussion Guide
#### Bible Reading
1. James 4:1-10
2. Jeremiah 2:11-13
3. Romans 1:21-25
#### Observation Questions
1. According to James 4:1-2, what does James identify as the root cause of quarrels and fights among people? ([03:24])
2. In the sermon, what personal anecdote did the pastor share to illustrate the shift from "I" to "We" in marriage? ([01:29])
3. How does the pastor describe the way people often handle conflict differently in relationships? ([06:32])
4. What does James say about the relationship between selfish desires and external conflicts? ([04:13])
#### Interpretation Questions
1. How does the concept of idolatry and spiritual adultery, as discussed in the sermon, relate to the conflicts we experience in our daily lives? ([18:35])
2. What does it mean to humble oneself and submit to God according to James 4:6-10, and how can this lead to resolving conflicts? ([34:50])
3. How does the pastor suggest we should include God in our daily struggles and desires, and what impact does this have on our hearts? ([20:04])
4. In what ways does the sermon suggest that unresolved internal conflicts can manifest as external tensions in various aspects of life, such as marriage or work? ([07:55])
#### Application Questions
1. Reflect on a recent conflict you had. What internal desires or passions might have contributed to that conflict? How can you address these desires in a way that aligns with God's will? ([03:24])
2. In your marriage or close relationships, how can you shift from an "I" mindset to a "We" mindset? What practical steps can you take to foster unity and compromise? ([00:46])
3. Think about a time when you manipulated or schemed to get what you wanted. How can you bring these desires before God in prayer and seek His guidance instead? ([32:26])
4. Identify an area in your life where you might be holding onto something too tightly. What would it take for you to submit this to God and trust Him with the outcome? ([40:08])
5. How can you practice humility and submission to God in your daily life? What specific actions can you take to draw near to God and resist the devil? ([34:50])
6. Consider a conflict you are currently facing. What are you fighting for, and is it worth the tension it is causing? How can you approach this conflict with a posture of humility and a desire for peace? ([39:44])
7. Reflect on the concept of idolatry in your life. Are there any desires or ambitions that you have elevated above your relationship with God? How can you realign these priorities to honor God? ([23:17])
Devotional
### Day 1: Embracing the "We" Mindset in Marriage
Marriage requires a fundamental shift from individualistic thinking to a unified "we" mindset. This affects every aspect of life, from time management to finances and daily routines. Embracing this shift can lead to deeper understanding and compromise, fostering a stronger, more unified relationship. The journey from "I" to "we" is not always smooth and can lead to moments of tension. However, these moments are opportunities for growth and deeper connection. By prioritizing the relationship over individual desires, couples can navigate challenges together and build a solid foundation of mutual respect and love. [00:46]
Bible Passage: "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, ESV)
Reflection: In what areas of your marriage or close relationships do you still think in terms of "I" rather than "we"? How can you begin to shift your mindset to prioritize unity and partnership today?
### Day 2: Recognizing Internal Desires in Conflicts
James 4:1-2 reveals that our external conflicts often stem from internal desires and passions. We covet, scheme, and fight to get what we want, leading to relational tensions. Recognizing this internal war is the first step towards resolving external conflicts. When we understand that our quarrels are not merely about the surface issues but are deeply rooted in our unmet desires and selfish ambitions, we can begin to address the real problems. This awareness helps us to approach conflicts with a more compassionate and understanding heart, seeking resolution rather than victory. [03:24]
Bible Passage: "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask." (James 4:1-2, ESV)
Reflection: Think about a recent conflict you had. What internal desires or unmet needs were fueling your reactions? How can you address these desires in a healthy and constructive way?
### Day 3: Identifying Idolatry and Spiritual Adultery
Our conflicts are often rooted in idolatry and spiritual adultery, where we elevate our desires above God's will. This leads to manipulation, arguments, and even extreme actions. By identifying and addressing these deeper issues, we can find true peace and unity. When we place our desires, ambitions, or even relationships above God, we create idols that disrupt our peace and harmony. Recognizing these idols and repenting from them allows us to realign our priorities with God's will, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. [18:35]
Bible Passage: "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere." (James 3:16-17, ESV)
Reflection: What are some desires or ambitions in your life that you might be elevating above God's will? How can you begin to surrender these to God and seek His wisdom instead?
### Day 4: Practicing Humility and Submission to God
The solution to our conflicts lies in humility and submission to God. By humbling ourselves, resisting the devil, and drawing near to God, we can receive His grace and find true peace. This involves a deep, honest examination of our desires and motives, bringing them before God in prayer. When we include God in our daily struggles and desires, He transforms our hearts, helping us to let go of selfish ambitions and embrace His will. This posture of humility allows us to experience God's grace and fosters a spirit of peace and unity in our relationships. [34:50]
Bible Passage: "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." (James 4:7-8a, 10, ESV)
Reflection: In what areas of your life do you need to practice more humility and submission to God? How can you make space for God to transform your heart and desires today?
### Day 5: Taking Practical Steps for Conflict Resolution
To resolve conflicts, ask yourself three questions: What do I want? Am I holding onto this too tightly? What would it take for me to submit this to God? By addressing these questions, we can have healthier conflicts and move towards true peace and unity in our relationships. These practical steps help us to identify the root causes of our conflicts and to approach them with a heart of humility and a desire for reconciliation. By regularly examining our motives and desires, we can prevent conflicts from escalating and foster a spirit of understanding and cooperation. [40:53]
Bible Passage: "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32, ESV)
Reflection: Think of a current conflict or tension in your life. What do you want out of this situation? Are you holding onto this desire too tightly? How can you submit this to God and seek His guidance for a peaceful resolution?
Quotes
### Quotes for Outreach
1. "You have to shift the way you think about your lives. You came here as two individual people, and you're leaving here as one. And so you have to shift the way you think about your life. It's no longer about my life. It's about our life. And that gets into the nitty-gritty. It gets into, it's no longer my time. You have to ask the question, what are we doing today? How are we going to use our time?" [00:46](Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
2. "What causes the fights and the arguments and the tension in your life is this, is the tension on the outside comes from the war on the inside. The tension that we experience on the outside in our lives, in our relationships, comes from a war that is happening on inside of us." [04:13](Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
3. "Everybody has conflict because when you put two people together there's going to be differences of opinion, there's going to be disagreements. And so some people, the way they handle their conflict is they like the word tension, but there's a disagreement and what happens is usually one person in the relationship just absorbs the tension and accommodates the tension and then therefore there's no conflict, but what has happened is the conflict has been buried in one person's heart and that leads to a bad place." [06:32](Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
4. "The idol test is this. If you're willing to sin in order to get what you want, if you're willing to sin in order to keep what you have, it's probably an idol. If you have to abandon the way of love, so let me give you a, I mean, this is real basic." [29:56](Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
5. "God gives grace for our unfaithfulness to him. Thank God. He gives grace when we are unfaithful to him. That is the message of the gospel. God opposes the proud, but he gives grace to the humble. Being willing to admit our need." [36:09](Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
### Quotes for Members
1. "James goes right to the beneath the hood of the problem underneath the problem. And so the summary is this for the message today is, what causes the fights and the arguments and the tension in your life is this, is the tension on the outside comes from the war on the inside. The tension that we experience on the outside in our lives, in our relationships, comes from a war that is happening on inside of us." [04:13](Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
2. "And so my point of going to all the effort to explain this is that everybody, the other people don't have to be explained what they're doing is they're not going to, we know there's conflict. And so my point is I want you to think about this. Everybody has conflict therefore this message is relevant to everyone. The deal is we have to learn how to have healthy conflict. We have to learn how to work through the disagreements that we have as people, work through our, the war going on inside of us so that we can be truly unified, not have this fake peace that feels good most of the time except in a few people's souls." [07:55](Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
3. "And so the next time you're in a conflict, whether it's one that you're arguing or you can just feel the tension so thick, you could just cut it with a knife in the room because someone is fuming deep inside of them. Ask yourself, what am I fighting for? What do I want out of this situation? This is awareness. Because you know what happens when you prolong an argument or prolong a conflict? You actually start fighting about the conflict rather than the issue at hand. And so you have to be reminded of what am I actually fighting for here? What am I after? I have to be honest with myself. You have to be honest with yourself. What is at stake here? And is it worth what is happening?" [17:04](Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
4. "And so my question to you is this, is that you're willing to scheme, is there something in your life that you might be holding on to too tightly? Is there something in your life that you might be holding on too tightly? And then the final section, we'll go through it real quick. It's verses six through 10. This is the good news for us. And this is also the solution to all of our conflicts. It's hard to do this, but it is the solution. And it's very deep spiritually. It's the solution to all of our conflicts." [34:18](Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
5. "When you are caught up in a conflict and you're like, you're holding onto the thing that you're fighting for. Until you are willing to let it go before God, go, God, I want it. God, I'm right. I know I'm right. And you're willing to submit that to God. Your heart will not change. You can't even get to the process of restoration until you're in your heart. You submit that thing to God. And then it says you have to resist the devil. What you mean about what that means is this is like nitty gritty details. When you're in the conflict with the person and you're entertaining all those gnarly thoughts, those bad thoughts, about that person. Or you're in a circular argument with that person in your mind and you're proving to them that you're right. And you're replaying the scenario over and over and over. You are working with the devil when you're doing that." [38:13](Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
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