The Power of Words in Christian Marriage

 

Summary

In our exploration of Christian marriage, we often focus on the tangible issues like sex, money, and in-laws as the primary causes of marital discord. However, I propose that the most destructive force in a marriage is the human tongue. The words we speak to each other can either build up or tear down the foundation of trust, love, and respect. The Bible, particularly in the Song of Solomon, illustrates the power of words in a relationship. This ancient love song celebrates the beauty and romance between two people, emphasizing the importance of using words to honor and cherish one another.

The tongue, though small, has the power to inflict deep wounds. A careless word can penetrate the soul, leaving scars that last a lifetime. I shared a personal story from my childhood about being mocked for my appearance, which taught me that words can hurt more than physical injuries. Similarly, in a counseling session, a woman’s self-esteem was shattered by a thoughtless comment made during her adolescence, affecting her marriage decades later. This illustrates how words can shape our self-perception and relationships.

Criticism, often disguised as constructive feedback, can be particularly damaging. While there is a place for constructive criticism, most criticisms are destructive and not given in love. We must be cautious about the words we accept and the words we speak. In marriage, it is crucial to communicate love and cherishment through our words. The Bible calls us to build each other up, not tear each other down. Retaliation and harsh words can escalate conflicts, leaving lasting damage.

To foster a loving and healthy marriage, we must be intentional with our words. Authentic compliments can heal wounds and strengthen bonds. It takes multiple positive affirmations to counteract the impact of a single criticism. Therefore, we should strive to speak words of kindness and encouragement, reflecting Christ’s love in our relationships.

Key Takeaways:

1. The Power of Words: Words have the power to build or destroy relationships. In marriage, the tongue can either foster intimacy and trust or cause deep wounds that last a lifetime. We must be mindful of how we speak to our partners, using words to honor and cherish them. [06:48]

2. The Lasting Impact of Criticism: Criticism, especially when not given in love, can have a lasting negative impact on a person’s self-esteem and relationships. We should be cautious about the criticisms we accept and the ones we give, ensuring they are constructive and loving. [15:07]

3. Authentic Compliments: Genuine compliments can heal and strengthen relationships. It is important to find and express authentic qualities in our partners, as it takes multiple positive affirmations to counteract the damage of a single criticism. [26:16]

4. Retaliation and Escalation: In conflicts, the natural response is to retaliate with harsh words, which can escalate into a war of words. We must strive to control our anger and speak words that build up rather than tear down. [23:10]

5. Cherishing Your Partner: Cherishing your partner involves more than just actions; it requires speaking words that communicate love and appreciation. In doing so, we reflect Christ’s love and create an environment of trust and intimacy. [22:22]

Youtube Chapters:

- [00:00] - Welcome
- [00:35] - Challenging Common Marital Issues
- [01:05] - The Power of the Tongue
- [02:01] - Song of Solomon: A Celebration of Love
- [04:50] - Misinterpretations of Love
- [06:05] - The Role of Compliments
- [06:48] - The Destructive Power of Words
- [07:23] - Personal Story: Childhood Mockery
- [09:11] - Counseling Experience: The Impact of Words
- [13:20] - Criticism: A Double-Edged Sword
- [15:07] - Constructive vs. Destructive Criticism
- [17:43] - The Power of Compliments
- [20:53] - Exercise: Compliments and Criticisms
- [22:22] - Cherishing Your Partner
- [24:59] - The Importance of Authenticity in Compliments

Study Guide

### Bible Study Discussion Guide: The Power of Words in Marriage

#### Bible Reading
1. Song of Solomon 4:1-7 - This passage celebrates the beauty and romance between two people, emphasizing the importance of using words to honor and cherish one another.
2. James 3:5-6 - This passage highlights the destructive power of the tongue, comparing it to a small spark that can set a great forest on fire.

#### Observation Questions
1. How does the Song of Solomon illustrate the use of words to honor and cherish a partner? ([02:38])
2. What personal story did the pastor share to illustrate the lasting impact of hurtful words? ([07:23])
3. According to the sermon, what is the natural response in conflicts, and how can it escalate the situation? ([23:10])
4. What does the pastor suggest is necessary to counteract the damage of criticism in relationships? ([26:16])

#### Interpretation Questions
1. In what ways does the Song of Solomon challenge the traditional view of physical love as something negative? How does this relate to the sermon’s message about the power of words? ([05:26])
2. How does the pastor’s personal story about childhood mockery illustrate the deeper impact of words compared to physical injuries? ([08:31])
3. What does the pastor mean when he says that criticism is often not given in love, and how does this affect relationships? ([15:07])
4. How does the concept of cherishing one's partner through words reflect Christ’s love, according to the sermon? ([22:22])

#### Application Questions
1. Reflect on a time when someone’s words deeply affected you, either positively or negatively. How did it shape your self-perception or relationships? ([09:11])
2. Consider your current relationship or marriage. How can you be more intentional with your words to build up your partner? What specific changes can you make this week? ([06:05])
3. Think about a recent conflict you had. How did you respond, and what could you have done differently to prevent escalation? ([23:10])
4. Identify a criticism you’ve received that still affects you. How can you begin to heal from it, and what role can authentic compliments play in this process? ([26:16])
5. How can you practice giving genuine compliments to your partner or loved ones? What specific qualities can you acknowledge and appreciate in them this week? ([26:16])
6. Reflect on the balance between constructive criticism and destructive criticism in your relationships. How can you ensure that your feedback is given in love and is truly constructive? ([15:07])
7. In what ways can you reflect Christ’s love in your relationships through your words? What specific actions can you take to cherish your partner more effectively? ([22:22])

Devotional

Day 1: The Tongue's Power to Shape Relationships
Words have the power to build or destroy relationships. In marriage, the tongue can either foster intimacy and trust or cause deep wounds that last a lifetime. We must be mindful of how we speak to our partners, using words to honor and cherish them. [06:48]

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." (Proverbs 18:21, ESV)

Reflection: Think of a recent conversation with your partner. How did your words impact the tone and outcome of that interaction? What can you do today to ensure your words build up rather than tear down?


Day 2: The Lasting Impact of Criticism
Criticism, especially when not given in love, can have a lasting negative impact on a person’s self-esteem and relationships. We should be cautious about the criticisms we accept and the ones we give, ensuring they are constructive and loving. [15:07]

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." (Ephesians 4:29, ESV)

Reflection: Reflect on a time when criticism affected you deeply. How can you transform your approach to giving feedback to ensure it is constructive and loving?


Day 3: The Healing Power of Authentic Compliments
Genuine compliments can heal and strengthen relationships. It is important to find and express authentic qualities in our partners, as it takes multiple positive affirmations to counteract the damage of a single criticism. [26:16]

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." (Proverbs 16:24, ESV)

Reflection: Identify one authentic quality in your partner that you appreciate. How can you express this appreciation in a way that is meaningful to them today?


Day 4: Avoiding Retaliation in Conflict
In conflicts, the natural response is to retaliate with harsh words, which can escalate into a war of words. We must strive to control our anger and speak words that build up rather than tear down. [23:10]

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1, ESV)

Reflection: Consider a recent conflict where you felt the urge to retaliate. What steps can you take to respond with grace and de-escalate the situation in the future?


Day 5: Cherishing Your Partner Through Words
Cherishing your partner involves more than just actions; it requires speaking words that communicate love and appreciation. In doing so, we reflect Christ’s love and create an environment of trust and intimacy. [22:22]

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing." (1 Thessalonians 5:11, ESV)

Reflection: How can you intentionally use your words today to communicate love and appreciation to your partner, reflecting Christ’s love in your relationship?

Quotes


But I think there is something that is even more severe in its power to hurt and destroy marriages, and I would rank the number one problem with marriages is the human tongue. It's what we say to each other that I think contributes more than anything else to the breakdown of trust, the breakdown of love, and the breakdown of respect between two people in the marriage relationship. [00:01:20]

The New Testament tells us that the tongue is a small member that boasts of great things and has the capacity just by one spark to set whole forests ablaze, that the tongue is the most destructive member of the human body, with it we praise God, but with it we also bring curses down on each other. [00:06:42]

An insult, a thoughtless word can penetrate where no stone can ever reach or no stick can ever touch because it can get to the soul. [00:08:59]

The human tongue can devastate another person. [00:12:56]

There is such a thing as constructive criticism, I know that, and I don't know what the exact percentages are, but my best guest is that at least ninety-five out of a hundred criticisms that you receive and that you get from people are destructive criticisms, and they are not mentioned in love. [00:15:44]

We need to understand that, because what we say to each other in marriage is what creates the environment of trust, of intimacy, and in love. When I married my wife, I vowed to cherish her. I know that women today do not want to be put on a pedestal because in the sense that then they are not real; they are objects and so on. [00:21:53]

But I've never met a woman that didn't want to be cherished. And I've never met a man that didn't want to be cherished, and what I say with my mouth is what communicates how much I cherish my wife. Of course what I do speaks as well, but nothing can destroy her sense of being cherished faster than an unkind, thoughtless, cutting remark that comes out of my mouth. [00:22:56]

The Bible tells us again, that in any kind of healthy relationship, not just husband and wives, but with friends and associates is that we are called to build up each other, to edify each other, not to tear each other apart. [00:23:15]

But when an authentic compliment is, is it's believable; where you take the time to find something of value in your mate, crystallize it. Put it into words, and tell her -- tell him -- that you've noticed, and when we honor each other in that way, we can heal the damage that's been done. [00:26:07]

Psychologists tell us it takes nine authentic compliments to outweigh the pain of one criticism. So we need to be slow to speak and to wound and to keep our anger in check so that that tongue does not set the forest on fire. [00:26:39]

The Bible says there are certain things that you cannot recall, the flying arrow, once you pull that bow back and you let loose of that string and the arrow starts to fly, you can't call it back. And included in that list of the Bible is the spoken word. Once I say it, I can apologize for it, I can pretend that I overstated it, but I said it, and she heard it and it's stored, and it may be doing its damage for another thirty years. [00:24:11]

But where there is love, there is kindness. And when there is kindness there is a desire to do as Christ has told us to do to present our brides to Him without blemish, to be willing to give our lives to honor the one that we live. [00:24:57]

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Transcript
What was the most surprising thing in this sermon?
Were there any personal stories shared?