Stop Trying to Change Them | Pastor JJ & Liz Vasquez | Hope City

Paul’s command in Colossians 3 begins before the list of virtues: “Put on.” Christ places compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love, peace, and thankfulness within His people, but spiritual maturity requires choosing to wear them in real relationships. The closet may be full because of the Holy Spirit, but believers still have to do the work of getting dressed.

The image of putting on clothes exposes the difference between automatic religion and daily surrender. Christ is the vine and the source, yet abiding in Him remains a choice. Time in God’s presence prepares a heart to respond differently when somebody cuts it off in traffic, acts rude in a store, or brings the wrong energy into the room. Compassion can turn a moment that could have exploded into a moment where both people calm down and recognize their own need for grace.

The tension between loving people and controlling people also reveals why relationships can be so hard. People cannot be modified like AI, and the inability to control another person is not a flaw in love but part of its beauty. God gave humanity a real choice because love that is chosen is love that is real. Change in one person cannot force change in another, but changed conduct can inspire another heart toward Christ.

The value of every person comes from being made in God’s image, yet not every relationship carries the same value or assignment. Wisdom recognizes that some non-covenant relationships may need distance, boundaries, or an ending because a paycheck or old friendship is not worth losing the soul. Covenant relationships, however, call for a different kind of endurance, one that focuses first on personal surrender rather than demanding, “You change.”

Compassion and prayer can become a living testimony inside a hard marriage. A grandmother’s patient conduct, faithful prayers, and refusal to return anger for anger became the very thing that drew an alcoholic husband toward God. A wife’s response of forgiveness and compassion in the face of hidden pornography likewise became the channel through which Christ brought freedom and restoration.

Jesus calls His people peacemakers, not merely peacekeepers. Peacekeeping pretends nothing happened and passes the turkey over years of unresolved hurt. Peacemaking is willing to make a mess in order to make peace, pursuing sincere love instead of false niceness. Christ’s peace rules where people put on love, tell the truth, forgive deeply, and let God begin the hard work in their own hearts.

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Key Takeaways

• 1. Put on what Christ provides. Paul’s command makes spiritual maturity active, not accidental. The Holy Spirit supplies the virtues, but daily choices determine whether compassion or carnality shows up in a relationship. The work of putting on Christ often begins before the conflict ever arrives. [12:43]
• 2. Changed conduct can awaken another heart. Compassion does not control another person, but it can reveal Christ in a way arguments cannot. The grandmother’s prayers mattered, yet her different conduct gave her husband a living picture of the God she trusted. Love becomes persuasive when it refuses to mirror the sin it receives. [31:26]
• 3. Value people, discern relationships. Every person bears God’s image and deserves dignity. Not every relationship, however, should receive unlimited access to a person’s soul, peace, or future. Boundaries can be an act of wisdom rather than hatred. [22:57]
• 4. Peacemaking requires honest, difficult love. Jesus blesses peacemakers, not people who preserve a fake calm. Sincere love refuses to bury pain beneath politeness and holiday small talk. Peace sometimes requires a hard conversation before it becomes a healed relationship. [34:15]
• 5. Compassion can become a doorway to freedom. Forgiveness does not deny the seriousness of sin or the pain it causes. Christ can use a compassionate response to break shame, invite confession, and begin real transformation. Grace carries power when it meets repentance with truth and love.
  
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Youtube Chapters

• [00:00] - Welcome
• [09:01] - Godly Relationships in Colossians 3
• [09:47] - Put On Compassion, Kindness, and Love
• [11:35] - The Hardest Part Is Putting It On
• [15:05] - Choosing Christ in Daily Conflict
• [16:48] - Compassion in a Traffic Conflict
• [20:43] - Christ at the Center of Relationships
• [21:40] - You Cannot Change Another Person
• [22:57] - Valuing People and Setting Boundaries
• [26:17] - Boundaries in Family Relationships
• [29:02] - A Grandmother’s Healing and Faith
• [31:26] - Conduct That Led a Husband to Christ
• [32:44] - Blessed Are the Peacemakers
• [35:38] - Confession, Forgiveness, and Freedom
• [39:45] - Prayer for Restored Relationships

Bible Reading

Colossians 3:12-15
“Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” [10:05]

Matthew 5:9
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” [32:53]

John 15:5
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” [15:05]

Romans 12:9
“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.” [34:46]

Observation questions

1. In Colossians 3:12-15, what qualities are believers told to “put on,” and which actions does Paul connect to handling complaints within relationships? [10:13]
2. What does Paul say love does for all the other virtues, and what does he say should rule in believers’ hearts?
3. In the examples of the traffic encounter and the store encounter, what was different about the responses in each situation? [17:48]
4. What difference is made between being a peacekeeper and being a peacemaker? [33:47]

Interpretation questions

1. Paul calls believers to “put on” compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and love. What does this wording show about the difference between having the Holy Spirit’s help and choosing a Christlike response in the moment? [12:35]
2. Jesus says that apart from Him people can do nothing, while Paul commands believers to put on these virtues. How do abiding in Christ and actively choosing Christlike conduct work together? [15:05]
3. Why can a compassionate response influence another person without becoming an attempt to control or change that person? [25:41]
4. Romans 12:9 calls for genuine love, and Jesus blesses peacemakers. When might honest love require bringing up a painful issue rather than acting as if nothing happened? [34:32]

Application questions

1. Which part of the Colossians 3 list is hardest for you to put on right now: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love, peace, or thankfulness? What relationship tends to expose that struggle most clearly? [11:35]
2. What could it look like for you to “get dressed” spiritually before the pressures of your day begin? Is there a simple practice of Scripture, prayer, worship, or quiet surrender that would help you respond differently this week? [15:32]
3. Think of a recent moment when someone’s rude behavior made you want to react in the flesh. What might compassion, humility, or a sincere apology have looked like in that specific situation? [19:55]
4. Is there someone you have been trying to control, fix, or force to change? What would it look like to release that person to God while taking responsibility for your own conduct, prayer, and boundaries? [23:51]
5. Every person is made in God’s image, but not every relationship should have unlimited access to your life. Is there a relationship where you need wiser boundaries, more distance, or trusted counsel to help you discern the next step? [27:24]
6. Is there a conflict that has been covered with politeness, silence, or “passing the turkey” while hurt remains unresolved? What would a truthful and loving first conversation look like, and how could you enter it as a peacemaker rather than as an attacker? [34:09]
7. Forgiveness does not minimize sin, but Christ can use compassion to make room for confession and freedom. Is there a place where you need to seek forgiveness, offer forgiveness, or invite honest help instead of carrying hidden pain alone? [37:38]