Singleness + Dating - Love Songs - A Study in Song of Songs | Tim Birdwell | Week 3

Mar 02, 2026

Devotional

Day 1: Cultivating Relationship Through Intentional Pursuit

A healthy relationship requires active and intentional pursuit, not passive waiting. It involves moving toward another person with clarity and purpose, even when it feels challenging. This pursuit is not meant to be burdensome but should ultimately bring life, vibrancy, and spiritual growth to both individuals. The goal is to see if the relationship fosters mutual flourishing rather than constant anxiety or spiritual dryness. [08:02]

My beloved speaks and says to me: “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away, for behold, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land." (Song of Solomon 2:10-12, ESV)

Reflection: As you consider your current or a potential relationship, what specific, active steps of pursuit could you take to move it toward health and clarity? In what ways have you seen this connection bring about life and spiritual growth, or conversely, anxiety and distance?

Day 2: Evaluating a Relationship with Christ, Character, and Chemistry

A wise relationship is built on a foundation of three essential elements. The first and most important is a shared, vibrant faith in Jesus Christ, which provides a common direction and purpose. The second is godly character, which is best observed over time within a community context. The third is a natural chemistry that includes, but is not limited to, physical attraction. All three are necessary for a relationship that can endure. [12:16]

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14, ESV)

Reflection: Using the framework of Christ, character, and chemistry, which area presents the most significant question mark or need for deeper discernment in a relationship you are in or considering? How can you intentionally create opportunities to observe character in a community setting?

Day 3: Establishing Healthy Guardrails for Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is a powerful gift that is best enjoyed within its proper boundaries. Engaging in it too soon can cloud judgment and create emotional and spiritual confusion, making it difficult to discern the true quality of the relationship. Establishing clear guardrails is an act of wisdom that protects the hearts of both individuals and preserves the clarity needed for sound decision-making. [24:20]

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. (Song of Solomon 3:5, ESV)

Reflection: What specific, practical boundaries could you put in place to ensure that physical intimacy does not prematurely cloud your ability to evaluate the heart and character of the person you are with?

Day 4: Moving with Clarity and Kindness in Relationship

Ambiguity in dating creates unnecessary pain and confusion. Relationships thrive on kindness expressed through clear communication about intentions and direction. Defining the relationship is not about applying pressure but about offering the kindness of clarity, ensuring both people are moving forward with a shared understanding. This process is a journey toward the commitment of marriage, not a status to remain in indefinitely. [31:40]

Let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. (Song of Solomon 2:14, ESV)

Reflection: Is there an area in a current relationship where you have been avoiding a kind and clear conversation about intentions or direction? What is one step you can take this week to move toward that conversation?

Day 5: Finding Ultimate Fulfillment in Christ, Not a Spouse

No human relationship can bear the weight of being our ultimate source of fulfillment and identity. A spouse is a wonderful gift, but they are a fellow sinner who cannot complete us or save us. Our deepest value, purpose, and satisfaction are found only in a perfect relationship with Jesus Christ. He is the finish line, and every other relationship is meant to point us toward Him. [40:32]

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:32-33, ESV)

Reflection: In what ways have you looked to a relationship, or the desire for one, to provide a sense of completion that only Jesus can offer? How can you actively cultivate your satisfaction in Him this week, regardless of your relationship status?

Sermon Summary

Song of Songs functions as a practical, biblical roadmap for singleness, dating, and the movement toward marriage, urging the church to engage a culture saturated with confusing dating norms. The text highlights pursuit as an active movement: healthy love moves toward the beloved and brings life, not anxiety. Dating receives intentional definition as a season for evaluating potential for permanence rather than a stagnant status to occupy. Evaluation proceeds in a clear order—start with Christ, then assess character, and finally consider chemistry—because shared devotion to Jesus shapes every other value and direction. Community and time serve as essential lenses for discerning character; fruit appears when people live and serve together, not only in isolated romantic moments. Physical attraction matters but remains subordinate to long-term flourishing, so the call to “do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases” functions as a boundary for maintaining clear judgment. Clarity and kindness represent the practical posture for initiating relationship: state intent, set direction, and avoid vague “situationships.” As relationships move toward commitment, they reveal inevitable conflict; how partners handle communication, confession, and forgiveness predicts marital resilience. Transparency about difficult pasts requires basic honesty—not salacious detail—but enough truth so future oneness does not get blindsided. The community of faith provides wise counsel, accountability, and a safer context for pursuing marriage; seeking others’ perspectives prevents prideful isolation. Above all, ultimate identity and satisfaction rest in Christ, not in a spouse: marriage and singleness both function as platforms for gospel-centered service, and healing from sexual brokenness flows from the cross. The theology here remains pastoral in tone but direct in application—cultivate relationships that give life, evaluate with spiritual clarity, protect intimacy with guardrails, and pursue commitment within community while keeping Jesus as the final aim.

Key Takeaways

1. Cultivate life-giving romantic relationships Relationships should produce spiritual and emotional flourishing rather than chronic anxiety or drama. When a partner sparks growth, joy, and service, those signs reveal compatibility for long-term commitment; when a relationship consistently drains faith or ministry, that is a red flag. Prioritize interactions that expand discipleship and fruit, not merely emotional excitement. [09:36]
2. Start with Christ, then character A shared, vibrant allegiance to Jesus forms the axis around which all other compatibility turns, because theology shapes desires, priorities, and patterns of life. Character follows conviction: godly affections produce observable fruit like self-control, humility, and kindness. Chemistry without shared devotion risks training for sorrow; prioritize spiritual alignment before deeper investment. [12:03]
3. See character through time and community Short, private encounters can mask true patterns; character reveals itself in prolonged, public contexts—service, conflict, and ordinary rhythms of life. Invite prospective partners into existing friendships, church life, and responsibilities to watch how they treat people they don’t need to impress. Community functions as both mirror and refining furnace, exposing blind spots and confirming growth. [16:44]
4. Guard intimacy; clarify and commit Physical intimacy accelerates bonding chemistry and can cloud judgment, so intentional guardrails preserve discernment during the evaluation season. Practice clear, kind communication about intentions and direction—dating should move toward marriage or end with clear closure. As commitment nears, disclose necessary basics about past wounds so oneness begins with honesty and the church supplies wise counsel. [27:37]

Youtube Chapters

[00:00] - Welcome
[00:41] - Culture, Confusion, and Care
[01:30] - How Dating Has Changed
[05:53] - Reading Song of Songs (2:8–3:5)
[07:34] - Cultivating Relationship: Love Moves
[09:36] - Life-Giving vs. Draining Relationships
[12:03] - Christ, Character, Chemistry
[16:44] - Community and Time Reveal Character
[24:20] - Guardrails for Physical Intimacy
[27:37] - Clarify Intention; Ask Kindly
[32:45] - Commitment Brings Conflict and Grace
[40:32] - Jesus as the Ultimate Finish Line
[45:05] - Prayer, Gospel Healing, and Hope

Bible Study Guide

Bible reading
Song of Songs 2:8–3:5 (ESV)

Observation questions

In Song of Songs 2:8–9, how is the beloved described, and what does his action suggest about pursuit in relationships?
What imagery is used in Song of Songs 2:11–13 to describe the shift from winter to spring, and what might this symbolize in a relationship?
What repeated warning appears in Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4, and what specific instruction is given?
How does the language change in Song of Songs 2:15–16 when the couple begins to use words like "us" and "our"?

Interpretation questions

Why might the warning "do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" be strategically placed at key moments in the Song of Songs? What does it protect against?
How does the shift from individual to collective language ("my" to "our") in Song of Songs 2:15–16 reflect the progression of a relationship toward commitment?
The sermon emphasized that "dating is not a status you sit in, but a process you move through toward marriage" [31:40]. How does this perspective change the purpose of dating?
What might the "little foxes" in Song of Songs 2:15 represent in a relationship moving toward commitment, and why must they be "caught"?

Application questions

Relationships should produce spiritual and emotional flourishing rather than chronic anxiety or drama [09:36]. When you reflect on your current or past relationships, what specific signs indicated whether they were life-giving or draining?
A shared, vibrant allegiance to Jesus forms the axis around which all other compatibility turns [12:03]. How can you intentionally assess spiritual alignment with someone before pursuing deeper emotional or physical investment?
Character reveals itself in prolonged, public contexts—service, conflict, and ordinary rhythms of life [16:44]. What are practical ways to involve community and observe character in a dating relationship?
Physical intimacy accelerates bonding chemistry and can cloud judgment [24:20]. What specific guardrails can you set to preserve discernment and honor God in dating?
Practice clear, kind communication about intentions and direction [27:37]. How can you move away from vague "situationships" and toward clarity in your interactions with someone you’re interested in?
As commitment nears, disclose necessary basics about past wounds so oneness begins with honesty [27:37]. What would it look like to have wise, grace-filled conversations about past struggles without oversharing?
Jesus is the finish line, not marriage [40:32]. How does remembering this truth reshape your desires, disappointments, or identity in singleness or dating?

Sermon Clips

29s

#MarriageIsntTheFinishLine

“``Don't see marriage as the finish line. Sometimes in church we can just talk to married couples and in a sermon like this we can be like, man, if you could just find a spouse, check that off the list and like you're good. And I would say dating, marriage not the finish line, Jesus is. As you look at the book of Song of Songs, many people will say, hey, it's talking about relationships but it's also talking about our ultimate relationship with Jesus and his bride, the church. And I would say, yes and amen.”

55s

#DivinePursuit

“So I wish I would have heard this before all the sin and the shame and the brokenness that I'm feeling right now. And I would tell you, you have a God who pursued you in the midst of your shame and brokenness, who jumped over mountains to get to you, who put on flesh, who hung up on a cross for hours, who gave his life for you, who didn't just say he loved you, but he showed it through his death. And he knew about your sin, and he knew about your shame and he knew about your brokenness and he did it anyway. What a God. What a God.”

42s

#SpouseIsNotSavior

“I love her and yet she will not complete me. Jerry Maguire was a movie, not real life. Your spouse is not savior. And so single people in the room who are like, Tim, I'm not dating now and I don't know if I will. I would tell you, you have value and you have impact because of Jesus Christ. Amen? That first Corinthians is gonna tell us, Paul is gonna tell us, hey you actually have more impact because you have undivided attention and devotion to Jesus Christ and to his mission. You don't have to have divided attention to a spouse.”

27s

#StartWithChrist

“It is not a status you just sit in. It's a process you move through towards marriage. We're gonna talk about that in a moment. But you you need to be looking for someone, the type of person that you would want to spend the rest of your days with. You need to start with Christ. Not with do they believe in God. Not with are they spiritual. Not with do they have John three sixteen in their Instagram bio. You need to ask, does he or she love Jesus?”

38s

#ChemistryBeyondPhysical

“And so many of us what we do when we think about chemistry, we look at something that maybe at best like one to 4% of the rest of our lives and we base everything about that relationship on that thing. And there's 96% of the relationship that has nothing to do with that that you completely fly over and you skip. Right? And so we need to look is there there chemistry beyond the physical? Is there philosophical chemistry? Right? Do you do you see life similarly? Do you have some commonalities?”

34s

#WatchCharacterTrajectory

“Listen, if a man lacks self control when you're dating, he will not gain it when you're married and have kids. Life gets harder. Life gets more complicated. Right? And if you don't see him pursuing love and boldness and self control second Timothy one seven, if you don't see him pursuing after that heading in that direction that's his trajectory, You need to run. You need to watch his character. You need to watch her character and many of you would say well Tim this this is hard. I I know it's hard.”

33s

#CommunityAndTime

“And you just overlooked the character. And you don't need to do that. You know what you need? Here's two key phrases. Two key words that have helped me in my life, my dating life is community and time. You see character through community and time. I told you guys the last two weeks how I royally screwed up the clarifying relationship part of this thing, the defining relationship. We're gonna get to that in just a moment. I screwed that up. One thing I did well, Jaya and I both did well together is community and time.”

40s

#MarriageCycleCommunication

“Some of us when we get into a relationship we we all we think about is the love and the sex and the romance. And what you know if you're married you have some love and sex and romance but the primary cycle that you have is communication, conflict, confession and communion. That's the primary cycle of marriage. You're two finite sinful people, you will hurt one another. You had finances into that. You had living in the same house into that. You had sharing a bathroom and towels into that. And then you had some little whiny kids into that and you will have conflict.”

30s

#StayInChurchAfterBreakup

“He can heal you and he can let you be in the same church with a brother or sister in Christ. That's what they are. They were not your spouse. They were your brother or sister in Christ. And you can still be in community with somebody like that. I'm not saying you sit next to them all the time but I'm saying because of healing from shame, because of the blood of the perfect son of God Jesus Christ, you don't have to leave a church because you broke up with somebody. Right? But better yet, don't don't go too far where you have to navigate that.”

34s

#DiscipleYourKids

“Right? A lot of us haven't experienced that. A lot of us are just swiping on a screen and so we have no idea how to walk up to a woman and ask her out on a date so I wanna help you. Right? You use kindness and you use clarity. You walk up to the person that was raising their hand a few minutes ago. You do it outside in the lobby. People around you say, hey I've enjoyed getting to know you. I've seen you here a lot and I just wanna say I admire you and I've heard great things and I would love to get to know you more. Could I take you out to coffee and hear more about your story?”

29s

#CommunityOverLoveIsland

“Some of you think, no, not little Susie not little Bobby. They don't know anything about sex and dating. Yes they do. And if you don't disciple them Love Island will and the Bachelor will and Snapchat and TikTok will. And so we have the word of God, the spirit of God who raised Christ from the dead. We have that. You have that. You have everything you need for life and godliness to disciple your kids in this.”

38s

#TalkNowNotLater

“Listen, that's the beauty of the manifold wisdom of God called the church of Jesus Christ. Amen? We get to be that for one another. We don't have to go off on an island, love island. Never a good idea. Never a good show. You you want the context of community speaking into this thing as you guys you wanna ask the girl's hand in marriage. You're like, it's not the nineteen sixties. I know but I'm a dad of two daughters and I just guarantee you that boy is gonna ask my hand in marriage. He's gonna ask for my permission in marriage or it ain't happening.”

28s

#TheologyShapesValues

“And you need some people. Your mom. Your dad. Your friends, your pastors, your mentors. One of my wife and I were dating as we were getting closer to marriage. We invited some people in. We went on double dates. I asked the guy, hey, can you just observe us? Can you can you get to know us? Can you ask me questions about my physical relationship with Jah? About our spiritual relationship? Can you can you speak into this? I wanted that wise counsel. I didn't want to do this thing by myself.”

28s

#ChurchEngageLoveTruth

“As you talk about things in your past, listen, there does need to come a time where you start to talk about things. Not the first date but as you're starting to get closer to engagement you need to talk about things that could be hard, that could cause conflict. But if you don't know about them they are gonna spoil spoil your vineyard one day and you need to have some basic not bare details about your sexual past, about how many people you've been with and what does that look like.”

30s

#ChristCharacterChemistry

“It's a it's a little hard. Have you ever said that? Like why is dating gotta be so hard? I would just say because there's two sinful people seeking to link arms together for forever. That's gonna be a little bit hard but listen if you're doing it with the right person it should also bring life. It should bring life. That's what we see in the text. Look at it with me as we see this poetical language, this imagery we see verses 10 through 13.”

32s

#AvoidDramaRelationships

“Dating can be hard. Dating can be hard. It can be confusing. It can be complicated and you have to have pursuit or it gets more confusing. It's it's gets more cloudy. See guys what you don't see in this story is you don't see a guy sort of coming up like you don't care. You know like hey, sup. How about I get your snapchat? Listen how about you get a job and delete snapchat? Amen?”

31s

#PursuePermanence

“Right? Because she didn't know and she was confused. And listen I had my reasons. Was I didn't trust girls a lot at this time and I was trying to come off a bad relationship. Whatever. Like I I needed clarity is kindness. Right? So intention and direction. You need to be asking where is this going? Where is this going? It's going somewhere. Where is it going? And you need to talk about that. See, dating is not a situation. It's not a status you sit in. It's a process you move through towards marriage.”

34s

#DefineTheRelationship

“Or if you're honest are you experiencing anxiety and constant drama and spiritual dryness? And some of you you know people like this and they're dating and they just seem miserable and it's all drama all the time. And you're just like why? Why are you doing this to yourself? I remember in college I would be around like 22 year olds and they would like be so vibrant in ministry and serving on teams and going on miss mission trips and studying the bible together and then they would pair off in a dating relationship.”

29s

#DiscipleSinglesStudyScripture

“Right? After you've been out on a few dates you don't wanna leave her guessing. Is he gonna call? Why hasn't he called yet? Is it supposed to be twenty four hours? Thirty six hours? I don't know. You want it guys? You want to say at the end of the day you want to say, hey this was really fun. I would love to do this again. I know it's crazy. Hey I would love to keep calling you. Is that okay? I would love to keep getting to know you. I'm not saying let's get married tomorrow but I will say I'm not just doing this for fun or to hang out.”

36s

“And and and listen you need to be reasonable about this. I I love this quote. You need to become the person, The person you're looking for is looking for. I I know that's kinda wordy but you don't need to just think about the person you're looking for and have your binoculars out and be like what what color hair does he have? What how tall is he? Is he too tall? How how would that be standing next to him? Like how does he chew his gum? Like what does he like to do? You need to like get the mirror and be like have I brushed my teeth in a couple days?”

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