“Restoring Relationships” | Sermon by Pastor Dan Miller

Conflict becomes an opportunity for spiritual growth when the hurt person or the hurting person refuses to stay stuck. The stone in the hand holds the memory of pain experienced, pain caused, and conflict that still needs some kind of faithful attention. The call is not to change everything overnight, because change takes practice, and practice means the first try may not be very good.

Matthew 5 and Matthew 18 fit together like two sides of the same road. Jesus says that if a person remembers someone has something against them, true worship pauses until that broken relationship is tended. Jesus also says that if someone sins against a brother or sister, the hurt person goes and speaks directly. Either way, the follower of Jesus has something to do. Forgiveness is not finally about waiting for the other person to apologize, because forgiveness has to do with what is allowed to grow and dwell in the soul.

Galatians 6 adds the tone: gently and humbly. That is hard, because anger wants to let somebody have it, especially when the other person disagrees. Paul knows that people hear better when correction comes without bossiness, control, or arrogance. The fire of anger may need time to burn down before a person can speak in a way that actually helps restore.

Matthew 18 gives a simple but not easy process. The first step is to go, not back away and hope the thing disappears underground. The conversation should usually be one on one, unless abuse or a serious power difference means another kind of safety is needed. The words should be clear without becoming character assassination. “I” statements can help, because they name what happened, how it felt, and what is desired, instead of saying, “You are such a jerk.”

The second step brings another person, not to gang up, but to help the conversation stay honest and clear. A witness or helper can notice when people are talking past each other, getting too intense, or losing the goal. The goal is always restored relationship, not winning and not getting even.

The third step involves the church, and even treating someone like a Gentile or tax collector still keeps restoration in view. Jesus calls the church to reach out, show Jesus, and seek healing, even though some relationships may need boundaries or even an ending. Conflict is messy, slow, and sometimes lasts for years, but it is not hopeless. The way a person fights at church often shows the way that person fights at home, with friends, and at work, so the work of conflict is the work of spiritual growth.

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Key Takeaways

• 1. Broken relationships interrupt true worship. Jesus places reconciliation so close to worship that a person at the altar must stop and go tend the damaged relationship. The point is not that worship becomes less important, but that worship cannot be sealed off from the way a person treats a brother or sister. A heart that sings to God while refusing honest repair has already made peace with a divided life. [07:19]
• 2. Forgiveness begins inside the soul. Forgiveness is not mainly about waiting until the other person says the right words. It is about what a person allows to grow and dwell inside, whether bitterness gets watered or released. The other person may still need to answer for harm, but the wounded soul does not have to become a garden for resentment. [06:14]
• 3. Gentleness needs anger to cool. Galatians calls correction gentle and humble, which means raw anger usually cannot be trusted to speak first. The fire may need time to burn down before words can come out as help instead of heat. Gentleness is not weakness; it is disciplined strength that refuses to make restoration harder by adding more injury. [12:26]
• 4. Clarity is not character assassination. Matthew 18 calls a hurt person to go directly, but direct speech is not permission to run somebody through the mud. Clear speech names what happened, how it affected the person, and what is desired. An “I” statement can feel clunky, but it helps a person tell the truth without pretending to know the other person’s heart. [16:20]
• 5. Restoration is slower than repair. Conflict rarely gets fixed after one conversation, and sometimes not after five. The work may take months or years, especially when trust has been broken deeply. Jesus still calls his people away from revenge and toward responsibility, even when the road is long and messy.
  
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Youtube Chapters

• [00:00] - Welcome
• [00:32] - Conflict as Spiritual Growth
• [01:16] - Stones as Reminders of Pain
• [02:09] - Practicing a Different Response
• [04:10] - Restoring Broken Relationships
• [05:48] - Forgiveness and Responsibility
• [07:19] - Broken Relationships and Worship
• [10:01] - Gentleness and Humility in Galatians
• [13:17] - Matthew 18’s Three Step Process
• [14:12] - Go Directly, Do Not Back Away
• [16:20] - Speaking Clearly Without Attacking
• [19:27] - Learning to Use I Statements
• [25:01] - Getting Help Without Ganging Up
• [27:12] - Bringing a Witness or Helper
• [29:23] - Involving the Church for Restoration
• [31:01] - Conflict Takes Time and Work

1. In Matthew 18:15-17, what are the three steps Jesus gives for dealing with a brother or sister who sins against someone?
2. What are some examples of conflict or hurt that can damage a relationship, even when the harm was not intended? [04:17]
3. What words are used to describe the tone believers should have when helping or correcting another person? [10:18]
4. What does clear speech sound like in conflict, and how is that different from attacking someone’s character? [16:20]

1. Jesus says the hurt person should go directly to the other person first. Why might that be so important for restoring relationship instead of letting the conflict sit and go underground? [14:29]
2. Matthew 18 begins one on one, but there are situations where that may not be wise or safe. How do abuse, leadership, or power differences change the way this passage should be applied? [15:33]
3. Jesus says to bring one or two others along if the first conversation does not lead to change. What makes that step helpful, and how can it be done without turning into ganging up on someone? [27:12]
4. Jesus ends by speaking about the church and even treating someone like a Gentile or tax collector. If restoration is still the goal, what might that look like in practice, especially when strong boundaries are still needed? [29:31]

1. Is there a conflict, old wound, or unfinished conversation that has left a stone in the hand for too long? What would it look like to stop staying stuck and take one faithful step toward repair? [01:16]
2. When conflict comes, is the usual response to go quiet, back away, blow up, or plan how to get even? Which pattern shows up most often, and what is one thing that could be practiced differently? [03:13]
3. Forgiveness has to do with what is allowed to grow and dwell in the soul. Where might bitterness be taking root right now, and what would it mean to release that without pretending the hurt did not matter? [06:14]
4. Gentleness usually requires anger to cool first. What helps the fire burn down enough to speak helpfully rather than just speaking heat? [12:31]
5. Clear speech often begins with naming what happened, how it felt, and what is desired. Is there a conversation that would go better if it started with “When this happened, I felt…, and I would like…”? [17:41]
6. Sometimes another person is needed for clarity or as a witness. Who could be a wise and steady helper in a hard conversation without simply taking sides? [25:09]
7. The way a person fights in church is often the way that person fights at home, with friends, and at work. Where does this pattern show up most clearly, and what might spiritual growth look like there over the next few weeks? [34:11]