Responding with Kindness: Overcoming Mean People
Summary
In today's message, we explored the challenging topic of dealing with mean people in our lives. We all encounter individuals who are unpleasant, deceptive, or controlling, and it's crucial to have a plan for how to respond to them. Without a plan, mean people can gain control over our lives, causing us to act in ways that are not true to ourselves. This can lead to a cycle of reacting to their meanness with similar behavior, which only perpetuates the negativity.
I shared a personal story about a woman named Alice, who was a lifelong friend of my family. As Alice aged and needed assistance, my wife Sandra and I stepped in to help her. However, a man named Roger moved into Alice's home and refused to leave, creating a difficult situation for us. This experience highlighted how easy it is to become consumed by the actions of mean people and how challenging it is to respond in a way that aligns with our values.
The story of David and Nabal from the Old Testament served as a biblical example of how to handle such situations. David, who was mistreated by Nabal, initially planned to retaliate with violence. However, this story illustrates that there is a third option beyond ignoring or getting even with mean people. This option involves returning good for evil, which is not intuitive but ultimately frees us and protects our hearts.
Jesus taught and modeled this approach, encouraging us to do good to those who mistreat us. This is not about being passive or ignoring the wrongs done to us, but about actively choosing to respond with kindness and grace. This approach not only breaks the cycle of negativity but also allows us to tell a better story with our lives.
Key Takeaways:
- Mean people can gain control over our lives if we don't have a plan to respond to them. It's essential to be proactive and prepared to prevent them from dictating our actions and emotions. [01:41]
- Reacting to mean people with similar behavior only perpetuates a cycle of negativity. Instead, we should strive to respond in a way that aligns with our values and breaks this cycle. [12:32]
- The story of David and Nabal illustrates the temptation to retaliate against those who wrong us. However, there is a third option: returning good for evil, which ultimately frees us and protects our hearts. [16:36]
- Jesus taught us to do good to those who mistreat us, which is a radical and transformative approach. This not only changes our hearts but also has the potential to change the hearts of those who wrong us. [33:29]
- When faced with mean people, consider what story you want to tell with your life. Choose to write a remarkable story by responding with kindness and grace, rather than predictably reacting with negativity. [31:37]
Youtube Chapters:
[00:00] - Welcome
[00:11] - Introduction to Mean People
[00:34] - Defining Mean People
[01:25] - The Importance of a Plan
[02:23] - Off-Balance Dynamics
[03:04] - Personal Story: Alice and Roger
[06:17] - Roger Moves In
[09:19] - Escalating Tensions
[11:42] - Devising Plans
[13:02] - The Challenge of Kindness
[15:28] - The Problem with Getting Even
[16:36] - The Third Option
[17:09] - David and Nabal's Story
[22:14] - David's Violent Reputation
[24:49] - David's Sword as a Reminder
[28:49] - Four Reflective Questions
[32:08] - Returning Good for Evil
[34:23] - Conclusion and Next Steps
Study Guide
Bible Study Discussion Guide
Bible Reading:
1 Samuel 25:2-13
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Observation Questions:
1. What was the initial request David made to Nabal, and how did Nabal respond? [20:26]
2. How did David react upon hearing Nabal's response, and what did he instruct his men to do? [23:58]
3. What does the story of David and Nabal illustrate about the temptation to retaliate against those who wrong us? [16:36]
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Interpretation Questions:
1. How does the story of David and Nabal reflect the broader theme of responding to mean people in our lives? [16:52]
2. In what ways does David's reaction to Nabal's insult reveal his internal struggle with anger and the desire for revenge? [25:27]
3. How does the concept of returning good for evil, as taught by Jesus, challenge our natural instincts when dealing with mean people? [33:29]
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Application Questions:
1. Reflect on a time when you were tempted to retaliate against someone who wronged you. How did you handle the situation, and what might you do differently now? [16:07]
2. Consider the story of David and Nabal. How can you apply the lesson of choosing a third option—returning good for evil—in your current relationships? [16:36]
3. Identify a person in your life who you find challenging to deal with. What specific steps can you take to respond to them with kindness and grace, as Jesus taught? [33:29]
4. When faced with a difficult person, what story do you want to tell with your life? How can you ensure that your actions align with the story you want to create? [31:37]
5. Think about a situation where you felt off-balance due to someone's meanness. How can you regain your balance and prevent them from controlling your emotions and actions? [02:23]
6. How can you proactively prepare yourself to deal with mean people in a way that aligns with your values and breaks the cycle of negativity? [01:41]
7. What practical steps can you take this week to actively do good to someone who has mistreated you, and how might this change your relationship with them? [33:29]
Devotional
Day 1: Proactive Planning Against Negativity
Mean people can easily take control of our lives if we are not prepared with a plan to respond to them. It is essential to be proactive and have a strategy to prevent them from dictating our actions and emotions. Without a plan, we risk reacting impulsively, which can lead us away from our true selves and values. By being prepared, we can maintain our integrity and choose responses that align with our beliefs, rather than being swayed by the negativity of others. [01:41]
"Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly." (Proverbs 14:29, ESV)
Reflection: Think of a situation where you often encounter mean behavior. What specific plan can you create to respond in a way that aligns with your values?
Day 2: Breaking the Cycle of Negativity
Reacting to mean people with similar behavior only perpetuates a cycle of negativity. Instead, we should strive to respond in a way that aligns with our values and breaks this cycle. When we mirror the negativity of others, we allow their actions to dictate our behavior, which can lead to a never-ending loop of hostility. By choosing to respond differently, we not only protect our own hearts but also set an example that can inspire change in others. [12:32]
"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21, ESV)
Reflection: Identify a recent interaction where you reacted negatively. How could you have responded differently to break the cycle of negativity?
Day 3: The Third Option: Returning Good for Evil
The story of David and Nabal illustrates the temptation to retaliate against those who wrong us. However, there is a third option: returning good for evil, which ultimately frees us and protects our hearts. This approach is not intuitive, but it is transformative. By choosing to respond with kindness, we release ourselves from the grip of anger and resentment, allowing us to live more freely and joyfully. [16:36]
"But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." (Matthew 5:44, ESV)
Reflection: Think of someone who has wronged you. What is one kind action you can take towards them this week?
Day 4: The Transformative Power of Kindness
Jesus taught us to do good to those who mistreat us, which is a radical and transformative approach. This not only changes our hearts but also has the potential to change the hearts of those who wrong us. By choosing kindness over retaliation, we demonstrate the love and grace that Jesus modeled, which can lead to healing and reconciliation. This approach requires strength and courage, but it ultimately leads to a more fulfilling and peaceful life. [33:29]
"Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all." (Romans 12:17, ESV)
Reflection: Consider a person who has mistreated you. How can you actively show them kindness and grace today?
Day 5: Writing a Remarkable Story with Your Life
When faced with mean people, consider what story you want to tell with your life. Choose to write a remarkable story by responding with kindness and grace, rather than predictably reacting with negativity. Our responses to adversity shape our character and the legacy we leave behind. By choosing to respond with love and compassion, we create a narrative that reflects the values we hold dear and inspires others to do the same. [31:37]
"Let all that you do be done in love." (1 Corinthians 16:14, ESV)
Reflection: Reflect on the story you are currently telling with your life. What changes can you make to ensure it is a story of love and grace?
Quotes
If you don't have a plan and if I don't have a plan, if we're not prepared and honestly we gonna see if we're not somewhat proactive, here's what happens and we've all experienced this. The mean people, the mean people in our lives, ultimately they gain a measure of control over our lives. [00:01:37]
The problem with the mean person is it is impossible. It is virtually impossible to maintain and keep your balance. I'll give you a quick illustration that actually is a long illustration I'm gonna try to keep short. When my mom who died when she was 82, when my mom was in her late thirties, she met a young woman in her late twenties that she helped her out and they became lifelong friends. [00:03:04]
We sat around day after day, night after night coming up the most devious, manipulative ways you can imagine to get Roger out of the house, I'm telling you. There were times we just listened to each other and say, "Who are we? Who have we become?" We had a pesticide option, I won't even go into it. [00:11:47]
It is so difficult to be good to people who just aren't good, right. No matter what kind of faith you have in the moment, it is so difficult to be kind to people who just seems like in their heart they're just unkind or sensitive to people who are insensitive. The golden rule just doesn't seem to apply. [00:13:06]
Getting even makes us even with someone that we don't even like, it makes us like someone that we dislike. So, what do we do? We can't ignore them, right. That's impossible. And if you ignore them, you know what they do, right. They just keep chipping away, chipping away, chipping away and eventually we built break and we react and it's like we've given them even more power over us. [00:15:55]
There's a third option that it's not intuitive. It's a third option that actually decreases their power over us. And honestly, it's the third option that allows us to guard and protect our hearts. And it positions us when this is said and done to tell a much better story. [00:16:27]
David's sword was actually a reminder that he did not need to return evil for evil. David's sword was actually a reminder that he did not need to take matters into his own hands. In fact, I'm just curious. Do you know where David got his sword? Anybody? [00:24:40]
When your response to this current relationship is nothing more than the story you tell, what story do you want to tell? Do you want to tell the story that I ended up just like the person that I dislike because I allowed them to infuriate me into acting just like them? It's not a good story. [00:31:44]
What would it look like to return good for evil? Not just refuse to react or to react in like kind, but to be kind. Not just refuse to be bad but to take seriously the words of Jesus because he was so direct about this. I mean, a lot of things Jesus said we have a hard time figuring out this is too clear. [00:32:48]
He said, "I want you to do good to those who mistreat you." Don't just put up with them. Don't just forgive them. Don't just ignore them. Don't just try not to be like them. Jesus says, "Nope, that's not enough." I want you to think through how to do good to those who mistreat you. [00:33:59]
Jesus has invited us to be unpredictable. Jesus has invited us to do something extraordinary. It's as if He's saying, "Don't be predictable, don't write a predictable story. Write a remarkable story, write that story that's worth telling." And what will determine whether or not that story is worth telling is not what the other person does 'cause you have no control over that. [00:34:56]
Remarkable begins with an honest answer to this question. What would it look like to return good for evil? What would it look like to do good to the person who has mistreated you? Because you don't pull ahead by attempting to get evil. And we will pick it up right there next time in part two of mean people. [00:35:56]
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