Redefining Marriage: Oneness, Growth, and Sanctification

Summary

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads! Today, while honoring fathers, the focus turns to marriage—a relationship that, like fatherhood, is often the subject of jokes, challenges, and deep joys. The story of my “happy shirt” is a lighthearted reminder that sometimes we need to break out of our ruts, and that’s true in marriage as well. Many people have different ideas about the purpose of marriage: companionship, happiness, fulfillment. But what if there’s more? What if God’s design for marriage is deeper and richer than we often realize?

Looking back to Genesis, God declared, “It is not good for man to be alone,” and created a “helper fit for him”—the Hebrew words ezer konegdo. This isn’t a subservient helper, but a partner who complements and completes, like a key fitting perfectly into a lock. Marriage is not just about companionship, but about oneness—a spiritual, emotional, and physical unity where two lives become so intertwined that it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. This oneness is not automatic; it’s forged over time, not found in a mythical soulmate. The process is challenging because our natural tendency is toward selfishness and growing apart, not together.

Marriage is also not just for our happiness or fulfillment. While joy and satisfaction are real, if we look to our spouse to be our ultimate source of fulfillment, we will be disappointed. Instead, marriage is a tool for sanctification—a means by which God shapes us, rounds off our rough edges, and makes us more like Christ. The friction and challenges in marriage are opportunities for growth, not just problems to be solved.

Building oneness requires intentionality. It means focusing on changing ourselves rather than our spouse, seeking grace and forgiveness, practicing mutual submission, and actively doing things that foster unity. Whether your marriage is thriving or struggling, there is always hope. God is in the business of making rivers in the desert—bringing life and renewal where things seem dry and barren. The source of that renewal must be God Himself, who alone can nourish and restore. Today is an invitation to recommit, to seek oneness, and to allow God to use marriage as a means of sanctification and blessing.

Key Takeaways

- Oneness is the Deeper Purpose of Marriage
God’s design for marriage goes beyond companionship; it is about oneness—a unity that is spiritual, emotional, and physical. This oneness is not simply about being together, but about becoming so intertwined that your lives are inseparable, like two trees grafted into one. Achieving this requires intentional effort, vulnerability, and a willingness to grow together, not apart. [51:50]

- Soulmates are Forged, Not Found
The popular idea of a soulmate waiting to be discovered is a myth. True unity in marriage is not about finding a perfect match, but about forging a deep connection through shared experiences, challenges, and growth. The process of becoming “soulmates” is ongoing, requiring patience, forgiveness, and a commitment to intertwine your lives over time. [53:24]

- Marriage is a Tool for Sanctification
While marriage brings happiness, its greater purpose is to make us holy. The friction and challenges we face are opportunities for God to shape our character, reveal our selfishness, and make us more like Christ. Instead of focusing on our spouse’s flaws, we are called to let God use marriage to transform us from the inside out. [01:00:58]

- Building Oneness Requires Self-Change and Forgiveness
True oneness begins when we focus on changing ourselves rather than our spouse. This means moving from a mindset of “my needs and your failures” to “your needs and my failures.” Apologizing for our part, seeking forgiveness, and extending grace tears down the walls that separate us and allows unity to flourish. [01:06:18]

- Mutual Submission and Practicing Oneness are Essential
Marriage thrives when both partners practice mutual submission—husbands loving and cherishing, wives respecting and honoring. Oneness is built through daily, intentional acts: shared experiences, honest communication, and putting each other’s needs first. Even small steps, like doing activities together that one or both may not naturally enjoy, can foster deeper unity and joy. [01:09:54]

Youtube Chapters

[00:00] - Welcome
[41:20] - The Story of the Happy Shirt
[43:03] - Honoring Fathers and Introducing Marriage
[44:05] - What is the Purpose of Marriage?
[46:11] - Marriage as Companionship
[47:28] - The Meaning of “Helper Fit for Him”
[48:41] - Complementary Differences in Marriage
[49:19] - The Key and Lock Analogy
[50:41] - Oneness: Becoming One Flesh
[51:50] - The Myth of Soulmates
[53:24] - The Challenge of Oneness
[55:17] - The Role of Selfishness and Sin
[56:59] - Oneness Check: Growing Together or Apart?
[59:12] - Is Marriage for Happiness or Sanctification?
[01:03:03] - Two Purposes: Oneness and Sanctification
[01:04:00] - Keys to Building Oneness
[01:06:18] - The Power of Apology and Forgiveness
[01:07:35] - Practicing Mutual Submission
[01:09:54] - Practicing Oneness Daily
[01:13:20] - Hope for Every Marriage
[01:13:56] - God as the Source of Renewal
[01:15:35] - Invitation to Prayer and Commitment
[01:17:15] - Closing Prayer

Study Guide

Small Group Bible Study Guide: The Deeper Purpose of Marriage

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### Bible Reading

1. Genesis 2:18, 24
“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ … ‘That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.’”

2. Ephesians 5:21-25
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. … Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

3. Isaiah 43:19
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

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### Observation Questions

1. In Genesis 2, what does God say is “not good” about Adam’s situation, and how does He address it?
([46:11])

2. According to the sermon, what is the meaning of the Hebrew phrase “ezer konegdo” and how does it shape our understanding of the marriage relationship?
([47:28])

3. What does Ephesians 5 say about the way husbands and wives are to relate to each other?
([01:07:35])

4. In Isaiah 43:19, what promise does God make to His people, and how was this verse used in the sermon to encourage hope for marriages?
([01:13:56])

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### Interpretation Questions

1. The sermon describes marriage as more than companionship, but as “oneness.” What does it mean for two people to become “one flesh,” and how is this different from just living together or being friends?
([50:41])

2. The idea that “soulmates are forged, not found” challenges a common cultural belief. How does this perspective change the way someone might approach difficulties or disappointments in marriage?
([53:24])

3. The sermon says marriage is a tool for sanctification, not just happiness. How might the challenges and “friction” in marriage actually help someone become more like Christ?
([01:00:58])

4. Ephesians 5 calls for “mutual submission.” What does this look like practically in a marriage, and why might it be difficult to live out?
([01:07:35])

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### Application Questions

1. The sermon talked about the tendency to focus on our spouse’s flaws instead of our own. This week, what is one area where you can shift your focus from “my needs and your failures” to “your needs and my failures”? How will you put this into practice?
([01:04:00])

2. Think about a recent conflict or point of friction in your marriage (or a close relationship if you’re not married). How could you use that moment as an opportunity for God to shape your character, rather than just trying to “win” or get your way?
([01:06:18])

3. The sermon gave examples of practicing oneness by doing things together, even if it’s not your favorite activity. What is one specific thing you could do this week to intentionally build oneness in your marriage or a close relationship?
([01:09:54])

4. Forgiveness was highlighted as essential for tearing down walls in marriage. Is there a “brick” in your relationship—a hurt, harsh word, or disappointment—that you need to apologize for or forgive? What step can you take toward reconciliation?
([01:05:08])

5. The sermon said that God is the source of renewal, like rivers in the desert. If your marriage or another relationship feels dry or stuck, what would it look like to invite God to bring new life and hope?
([01:13:56])

6. Ephesians 5 talks about husbands loving and cherishing, and wives respecting and honoring. Which of these comes more naturally to you, and which is harder? How can you take a small step toward practicing the one that’s more difficult?
([01:09:19])

7. The “happy shirt” story was about breaking out of a rut. Is there a rut in your marriage or relationships that you need to break out of? What is one “happy shirt” step you could take this week?
([41:20])

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Closing Prayer Suggestion:
Invite group members to pray for one another’s marriages and relationships, asking God to help them pursue oneness, practice forgiveness, and experience His renewal.

Devotional

Day 1: Marriage Is Designed for Oneness

God’s creation of marriage was not simply to provide companionship, but to establish a unique oneness between husband and wife—a spiritual, emotional, and physical unity that mirrors the way two trees intertwine and become inseparable over time. This oneness is not about sameness, but about two distinct individuals, “according to the opposite,” fitting together in a way that complements and completes each other, much like a key fits a lock. True oneness requires intentional effort, as our natural tendencies and differences can easily pull us apart, but God’s design is for us to grow together, becoming so united that it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. [51:50]

Genesis 2:18, 24 (ESV)
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” … Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Reflection: In what area of your marriage do you sense God inviting you to intentionally pursue greater oneness with your spouse this week, and what is one practical step you can take to move toward that unity?


Day 2: Marriage Is a Tool for Our Sanctification

While marriage brings happiness and fulfillment, its deeper purpose is to make us holy, not just happy. The friction and challenges that arise in marriage are not simply obstacles to be avoided, but opportunities for God to shape us, round off our rough edges, and make us more like Christ. When we encounter conflict or disappointment, instead of focusing on our spouse’s shortcomings, we are invited to ask God to reveal and transform the areas in our own hearts that need growth. In this way, marriage becomes a sacred space where God’s sanctifying work is continually at play, drawing us closer to Him and to each other. [01:00:58]

Romans 8:28-29 (ESV)
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

Reflection: Think of a recent point of friction in your marriage—how might God be using that moment to shape you into Christlikeness, and what is one attitude or behavior you can surrender to Him today?


Day 3: Seek to Change Yourself, Not Your Spouse

A key to building oneness in marriage is shifting the focus from your spouse’s faults to your own areas for growth. It’s easy to keep a mental list of your partner’s shortcomings, but true transformation begins when you ask God to work in your own heart first. By moving from a mindset of “my needs and their failures” to “their needs and my failures,” you open the door for God’s sanctifying power to bring real change. You cannot change your spouse, but through Christ and the Holy Spirit, you can change yourself—and often, this change will ripple out to your marriage as a whole. [01:04:00]

Psalm 139:23-24 (ESV)
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

Reflection: What is one recurring complaint or frustration you have about your spouse, and how can you invite God to show you your own part in that dynamic and begin to change it?


Day 4: Practice Mutual Submission and Forgiveness

Oneness in marriage is built through mutual submission—placing your spouse’s needs above your own out of reverence for Christ—and through the ongoing practice of grace and forgiveness. Barriers in marriage are often built brick by brick through careless words and unresolved hurts, but they can be torn down the same way: with sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness. God calls both husbands and wives to submit to one another, with husbands loving sacrificially and wives offering respect and honor, meeting each other’s deepest needs. This posture of humility and grace is essential for tearing down walls and restoring unity. [01:09:54]

Ephesians 5:21, 25, 33 (ESV)
…submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Reflection: Is there a “brick” in your marriage—a hurt, offense, or pattern—that needs to be addressed with an apology or forgiveness? What step can you take today to begin removing that barrier?


Day 5: God Is the Source of Hope and Renewal

No matter the current state of your marriage—whether it’s thriving or struggling—there is always hope because God specializes in making all things new. Just as rivers can flow in the desert only when supplied by a higher source, so too can dry and weary marriages be renewed when God is the source of life and nourishment. Even when things seem impossible, God promises to make a way and to bring refreshment where there was once barrenness. Trusting Him as the source, you can recommit your marriage to His care and invite Him to do a new work in your relationship. [01:14:37]

Isaiah 43:19 (ESV)
Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Reflection: Where do you most need God’s renewing power in your marriage right now, and how can you invite Him to be the source of hope and transformation in that area?

Quotes

My fulfillment, my sufficiency has to come from Christ and not from my marriage. Some marriages can be described as two ticks looking for a dog. They're both looking for the other to fulfill them. And in the process, neither is satisfied. We need to find our ultimate fulfillment in Christ. [00:59:45] (23 seconds) Edit Clip

All throughout scripture, marriage is used as a symbol of Christ's covenant relationship with us. And the purpose of that covenant relationship is for our sanctification. Us becoming progressively more and more Christ -like. So don't you think, too, that if marriage is a symbol of that relationship, that our marriage can also be a tool of our sanctification, a tool to grow us closer and closer to Christ. [01:01:35] (28 seconds) Edit Clip

Rather than being right, I need to make the relationship right. And that took apologizing, yes, for my 49%. Once you begin to apologize in that way, a heartfelt apology, and then forgiveness is shared, we can begin to tear down that wall brick by brick. [01:07:23] (26 seconds) Edit Clip

For husbands, what it looks like is elevating, loving, and cherishing our wives so that their needs are placed above our own. Just like Christ loved the church and was willing to die for us. And most of us men are like, yeah, I'd die for my wife. If there was a burning building, I'd run in. But are you willing to live for your wife every day, placing her needs above your own? [01:08:56] (30 seconds) Edit Clip

For the wife, that mutual submission looks like respect and honor. See, I think God designed those instructions for husbands and wives because they fulfill some of their deepest core needs. Most men have a core need to feel respected. I'm like, I don't care if you like me as long as you respect what I say. My wife is not like that. She's like, no, I want you to like me. Matter of fact, I want you to love me. So I think for most men, respect is a core need. And so God designed this mutual submission in marriage so that wives, you're giving respect and honor to your husbands. And husbands, you're meeting their core need and desire for love by loving and cherishing your wife. [01:09:26] (47 seconds) Edit Clip

Marriage is for our oneness. Marriage is for our sanctification. And then, I would say that there's hope. If your marriage is very healthy, there's still work to do. We can always have more oneness. We can always be more sanctified. So, even if you have a great marriage, there's more to do. If your marriage is struggling, I want to say that there's hope. [01:13:09] (30 seconds) Edit Clip

A river only flows in the desert if the water comes from a higher source. The Colorado River, carved out the Grand Canyon, it flows through the deserts of Nevada and Arizona. Why? Because the water comes from high in the Rocky Mountains. It's from last year's snow that's melting and providing the nourishment to the dry desert valley. In the same way, God has to be the source to renew and to nourish a dry and dusty marriage. [01:14:53] (37 seconds) Edit Clip