Power of Restraint: Speaking Wisely in Relationships

Feb 07, 2025

Devotional

Day 1: The Power of Restraint—Our Words Carry Life and Death

Practicing restraint in our speech is not about being silenced, but about giving our words greater influence and power. In a world overflowing with noise and opinions, choosing when to speak and when to remain silent can set us apart, making others lean in to truly listen when we do speak. Restraint allows us to be known not just for boldness, but for wisdom and compassion, preserving our credibility and deepening our impact in every relationship—at home, at work, and online. [01:44]

Proverbs 18:21 (ESV)
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."

Reflection:
Think of a recent conversation where you felt the urge to speak or post your opinion. How might choosing restraint in that moment have changed the outcome or deepened your influence?

Day 2: Let Others Praise You—Resist Self-Promotion

It is tempting to draw attention to our own achievements, especially when we fear they might go unnoticed. Yet, true restraint means allowing others to recognize and celebrate our contributions, rather than seeking validation through self-praise. This humility not only honors God but also creates space for genuine encouragement and recognition within our communities and workplaces, fostering a culture where everyone’s efforts are seen and valued. [06:10]

Proverbs 27:2 (ESV)
"Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips."

Reflection:
Is there an area of your life where you are tempted to highlight your own accomplishments? How can you intentionally let others notice and affirm your efforts instead of promoting yourself?

Day 3: When Angry, Stay Silent—Pause Before Responding

Anger is a natural emotion, but responding in the heat of the moment often leads to regret and broken relationships. The wisdom of Scripture calls us to pause, reflect, and allow time for our hearts to settle before we speak. By choosing silence when emotions run high, we create space for God to work in us and through us, often finding that what seemed urgent in the moment loses its intensity with time and rest. [09:27]

Ephesians 4:26 (ESV)
"Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."

Reflection:
Recall a recent time you felt angry with someone close to you. What would it look like to pause, remain silent, and pray before responding, rather than reacting immediately?

Day 4: Pick Your Battles—Save Your Voice for What Matters Most

Not every disagreement or issue requires our response. Exercising discernment in choosing which battles to engage in preserves our energy and influence for the things that truly matter. By refusing to be drawn into every quarrel or argument, we reflect Christ’s example of mission-focused restraint, ensuring that our words and actions align with God’s calling and purpose for our lives. [16:51]

2 Timothy 2:23-24 (ESV)
"Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil."

Reflection:
Identify one situation this week where you are tempted to argue or defend your point. How can you discern whether this is a battle worth engaging, or if your energy is better spent elsewhere?

Day 5: Listen to Understand—Create Space for God to Work

True restraint is not just about holding back words, but about listening deeply and making room for others to share their hearts. When we resist the urge to interrupt or dominate conversations, we open the door for the Holy Spirit to move, for relationships to deepen, and for life-changing moments to unfold. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is to be present, attentive, and silent, allowing God’s grace to speak through our listening. [32:50]

Proverbs 18:13 (ESV)
"If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame."

Reflection:
Think of a relationship where you tend to speak more than you listen. How can you intentionally practice listening to understand, rather than listening to reply, in your next conversation?

Sermon Summary

In every relationship—marriage, parenting, friendships, work, and even online—restraint with our words is a powerful, often overlooked virtue. In a world that constantly invites us to add our voice to every issue, the wisdom of Proverbs reminds us that the tongue holds the power of life and death. Rather than being silenced, practicing restraint actually amplifies the influence and credibility of our words. When we speak less, but with greater intention and compassion, people are more likely to lean in and listen, much like the old E.F. Hutton commercials where everyone paused to hear what mattered.

Restraint is not about passivity or never speaking up. It’s about discerning when our words will build up and when silence will serve better. There are practical ways to cultivate this: not saying everything that comes to mind, letting others praise us instead of self-promotion, refusing to participate in gossip, staying silent when angry, and allowing others to share without interruption. These habits not only protect our relationships but also preserve our energy and influence for what truly matters.

Choosing when to speak and when to remain silent is a spiritual discipline. It requires us to pick our battles wisely, asking ourselves if an issue is truly significant, if we are the right person to address it, if it’s urgent, and if we are emotionally ready. Not every confrontation is ours to take on, and not every online debate needs our input. Jesus modeled this perfectly—He did not retaliate when insulted but entrusted Himself to God, remaining mission-focused and others-centered.

Restraint frees us from the emotional flooding that comes from constant engagement and outrage. It allows us to be present in the moments that matter most—at our children’s games, on date nights, in conversations where the Holy Spirit is at work. When we save our words and energy for what God has called us to, we become true ambassadors for Christ, ready to speak life when it counts. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is to be quiet, listen, and let God move—so we don’t miss the sacred moments He has prepared for us.

Key Takeaways

1. Restraint Multiplies Influence In a noisy world, holding back our words doesn’t diminish our voice; it actually increases its weight. When we don’t feel compelled to comment on every issue or vent every opinion, people notice when we do speak. This kind of restraint makes our words more meaningful and allows us to be heard when it truly matters. [03:21]
2. Let Silence Be a Shield Against Gossip and Self-Promotion Choosing not to participate in gossip or self-praise protects both our integrity and the dignity of others. When we become known as people who don’t entertain rumors or boast about ourselves, we foster trust and create safe spaces in our relationships and communities. This discipline also helps us focus on affirming others rather than seeking affirmation for ourselves. [08:21]
3. Anger Is a Signal to Pause, Not to Speak When emotions run high, especially anger, wisdom calls us to silence rather than immediate reaction. Taking time to ponder and process before responding prevents unnecessary hurt and allows God to work in our hearts. Often, after a period of rest or reflection, what seemed urgent loses its intensity, and we can respond with grace instead of regret. [09:27]
4. Discernment in Engagement Preserves Mission and Energy Not every battle is ours to fight, and not every issue requires our voice. By asking if something is truly significant, if we are the right person to address it, and if it’s urgent, we save our energy for the assignments God has given us. This discernment keeps us mission-focused and prevents us from being distracted or emotionally depleted by constant conflict. [16:51]
5. Sacred Moments Require Quiet Hearts Some of the most profound spiritual opportunities come when we are willing to listen rather than speak. By practicing restraint, we make room for the Holy Spirit to move in conversations and relationships. These moments—where someone is open to the gospel or in need of encouragement—are easily missed if we are always talking, but they become life-changing when we are attentive and present.

** [32:50]

Youtube Chapters

[00:00] - Welcome
[01:44] - The Power of Restraint in a Noisy World
[03:21] - Why Restraint Adds Influence
[04:50] - Practical Ways to Show Restraint
[07:45] - Gossip: The Choice Morsel
[08:21] - Protecting the Absent and Ending Rumors
[09:27] - Staying Silent When Angry
[15:32] - Picking Your Battles: Wisdom in Engagement
[16:51] - Four Questions Before Pushing Back
[23:06] - Saving Energy for What Matters Most
[25:05] - Emotional Flooding and Staying Present
[26:28] - The Danger of Being “Too Much”
[28:08] - Missing Moments by Over-Talking
[28:46] - The Jet Ski Story: Listening to Understand
[32:50] - Sacred Moments and the Power of Restraint
[34:29] - Becoming Christ’s Ambassadors Through Restraint
[35:56] - Closing Prayer and Blessing

Bible Study Guide

Bible Study Discussion Guide: The Power of Restraint in Our Words

Bible Reading

- Proverbs 18:21 – “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
- Proverbs 17:28 – “Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”
- Ephesians 4:26 (with reference to Psalm 4:4) – “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
- 1 Peter 2:23 – “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.”

Observation Questions

According to Proverbs 18:21, what kind of power does the tongue have? How does this connect to the idea of restraint in our speech?
In the sermon, what are some practical ways the pastor suggested we can show restraint with our words? ([04:50])
What does Ephesians 4:26 (and Psalm 4:4) say about how we should handle anger? How did the pastor challenge the common interpretation of this verse? ([09:27])
How did Jesus respond when He was insulted, according to 1 Peter 2:23? ([21:36])

Interpretation Questions

Why does the pastor say that restraint with our words actually increases our influence, rather than diminishing it? ([03:21])
What is the difference between being silenced and practicing restraint, according to the sermon? ([01:44])
The pastor mentions that not every battle is ours to fight. How does this principle help us stay focused on what God has called us to do? ([16:51])
How can silence serve as a shield against gossip and self-promotion in our relationships? ([08:21])

Application Questions

Think about your week: was there a time when you spoke quickly or reacted in anger? How might practicing restraint have changed the outcome? ([09:27])
The pastor encouraged letting others praise us instead of self-promotion. Is there an area in your life where you tend to “toot your own horn”? What would it look like to let others notice your work instead? ([06:10])
Are you known as someone who stops gossip or as someone who passes it along? What is one step you can take to become a “rumor stopper” in your workplace, family, or friend group? ([08:21])
The sermon gave four questions to ask before “pushing back” or speaking up: Is it a big deal? Am I the one to confront it? Is it urgent? Am I emotionally ready? Which of these do you find most challenging, and why? ([16:51])
The pastor shared about “emotional flooding” from being constantly engaged online or in arguments. What is one practical way you can limit your engagement this week to stay present for the people and moments that matter most? ([25:05])
Can you recall a time when you missed a “sacred moment” because you were too busy talking or distracted? How can you be more attentive to the Holy Spirit’s prompting in conversations? ([32:50])
Jesus modeled restraint by not retaliating when insulted. Is there a relationship or situation in your life where you need to follow His example? What would it look like to entrust yourself to God in that area? ([21:36])

Closing Prayer Suggestion:
Ask God for wisdom and discernment to know when to speak and when to be silent, so that your words would bring life and reflect Christ in every relationship.

Sermon Clips

“In Proverbs 18, 21, we read, the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. We live in a world with a lot of noise, and people want you to add your voice to every topic and issue of the day. People want you to chime in and state your beliefs or opinions, and then you're misunderstood or misrepresented. The cool thing today is you can have an opinion and you don't even need to be informed on what you're talking about. We all know that. Cancel culture has many Christians speaking up out of fear of being silenced. Some obnoxiously vent every...day, on every issue of the day. But the Bible calls us to a restraint that adds influence and power to our voices.”

“Wouldn't this be something that every time a Christian opens their mouth, people lean in because they want to hear what this person has to say? Restraint gives us that opportunity. We should be known for boldly proclaiming what we believe, but we should also be known for our restraint and compassion.”

“You don't have to say everything you think. You don't have to say everything that pops into your brain. I celebrate 28 years of marriage this week and I can tell you I'm learning that more and more to put that filter on and not say everything that pops into my head.”

“We live in a day and social media has given us the ability to share our opinions without sticking around for a conversation and we practice very little restraint and we want to share our opinion. If I were in this room at the end of today and walked by this table and just heard the topic that you were speaking on and I walked by and just threw my opinion at you and kept walking, you would say that's rude. That's impolite, right? To stick around for the conversation.”

“Don't post every thought. Don't post when you're mad. When you're frustrated and you have something you...want to say pass it by a family member or friend who's less angry than you pass it by a trusted friend pass all text emails and posts for that matter by a reliable friend or family member and spend a little more time educating yourself before you become a speaker on the subject showing that type of restraint.”

“Let others praise you. You don't have to say everything you think another thing to do with restraint is let someone else brag on you your achievements and your accomplishments proverbs 27 2 says let someone else praise you and not your own mouth an outsider and not your own lips.”

“Be the one where rumors come to die develop a reputation where people don't even want to share things with you because they know you're not going to feed into it... Without wood, a fire goes out. Without a gossip, a quarrel dies down. As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife. Be the one where people walk into your office, to your room, and say, Hey, it's not going to go anywhere with this person.”

“Those who are absent are protected here. Meaning we're not going to entertain conversations about another person. We're going to own and take personal responsibility for what's going on with us. Defend those people who are not in the room. Show restraint when it comes to rumors.”

“When angry, stay silent. When angry, stay silent. When angry, stay silent. When angry, stay silent.”

“Ephesians 4 26 in your anger do not sin do not let the sun go down while you are still angry we have taught premarital couples that verse means you should stay up and fight until it's resolved you just stay up and you go at it until somebody wins and that is not at all what Ephesians 4 26 is teaching if you go down in your study bible you'll go to psalm 4 4 this is actually what Paul is quoting this psalm be angry and do not sin ponder in your own hearts on your beds and be silent boy we've been teaching that wrong a lot of ways for a long time.”

“How many of you though know after a good night's rest where you didn't go at it duke it out the night before you didn't have to have your last word in there in the final say how many of you know that when you wake up the next morning what were we fighting about that just didn't seem all that big of a deal.”

“Let others share without interruption don't be a hijacker of a conversation... Proverbs 18 13 to answer before listening that is folly and shame and i don't want to miss moments in life because i'm always running my mouth.”

“Maybe your way hasn't been working in a relationship in a marriage or maybe with one of your kids maybe it isn't working because you're pushing back all the time on everything maybe your way isn't working because you you never push back you never speak up you never share what you're thinking or feeling and and you're always walking away from everything and everyone.”

“Oh, if churches could learn restraint over some non -essential issues, there'd be a lot greater unity and health within the church.”

“What did Paul say in 2 Timothy 2, 23 and 24? Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. The Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome. And this is a tough one for me, because when quarrels break, I withdraw, fight or flight, I'm flight, I get out of the room. Raise your hand if you get out of the room. Let me just see the people get out of the room. I like to stir it up a little bit and then get out of there as quickly as I possibly can. But I'm learning not to be quarrelsome. I don't want to be quarrelsome. I don't want to be known as quarrelsome. The Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome, but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.”

“Not everything needs confronting but it doesn't need to be confronted by you right not everyone needs to be confronted not everything you scroll past today needs your voice added to it now you probably have family members or friends who wake up every day outraged just like looking for a fight and you woke up in a grave mood you're not looking for anything you you weren't picking a fight you weren't going after a fight you didn't wake up looking for one but you have this family member or friend that constantly drags you into it what do you do well if you you pick your battles the second thing is don't take the bait don't take the bait.”

“First Peter 2 23 we get our model our model is in Christ Jesus when they hurled their insults at him he did not retaliate when he suffered he made no threats instead he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.”

“What is the mission god has you on what has god called you to do and where are people asking you to raise your voice that will distract you from the mission god has for you this is freeing restraint is freeing and allows you to be mission focused and others centered.”

“Save your energy and influence for what matters most. Save your words. Save your voice for what matters most.”

“If you push back on everything, you won't be taken seriously on anything.”

“You don't have to show up to every fight you're invited to. And one of the reasons you can't show up to every fight you're invited to is because you have a mission, and you must stay focused and give your voice and influence to that.”

“We are Christ ambassadors, and God is making his appeal through us. What has Jesus done in your life? Because here's what we know, and the research points to this. People want to hear those conversations. And I don't want to shut down those conversations because I'm yap, yap, yapping away over here. I don't want to miss moments where I see the Holy Spirit working in someone's life because I'm running my mouth. I don't want to close down rich conversations about who Jesus is and what he's done for me because I'm too much.”

“I'm wondering what power, what power each one of us could have if we just backed down and showed this restraint as Christ's ambassadors so that God can make his appeal through us.”

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