What we pack into our families is mission critical. Not just our families, but our friendships, our neighborhoods, our co-workers, even strangers. What we choose to put in this radically matters. Now, what we're going to find in this suitcase today is something that I firmly believe every single one of us needs in order to grow into the kind of people that God desperately wants us to become. It also represents what we unpack into the lives of the people around us. How we influence the people who we care about.
[00:29:21]
Every single person in this room, whether you are married, single, with or without kids, divorced, widowed, young, waiting for what's next just out of college, you needed and still need these six things. You needed them when you were growing up and you still need them now. And the people around you need these. And what's life-changing about these six things that we're going to unpack from this suitcase is they're all from God. They're all things that God instinctively gives to us on a regular basis. So in turn, we give them to the people in our circle around us.
[00:31:32]
Attunement is when someone sees you, notices you, and gets you. Think about a baby crying in the middle of the night. When the baby cries, the young parents will go in. They're young so they can get up. They will go in and they will check on the baby. What they're saying to that baby is, I hear you. I know you need or want something. I understand that. That's attunement. But it's not just for babies. All of us long for someone who truly listens to us.
[00:34:56]
All of us long for someone who really listens, not to fix us, not to judge us, not to get us to hurry it up, but to simply understand us. One study from the Gottman Institute found that in marriages that thrive, partners who respond to one another's bids for connection thrive 86% of the time. In marriages that end in divorce, that rate is approximately 33%. That's the power of attunement. It's the difference between feeling invisible and feeling loved.
[00:35:50]
If attunement is seeing someone, responsiveness is acting on what you see. It's the ability to offer comfort, care, and kindness when a child is in distress. If a child is hurt, the parent picks them up because they notice. That's responsiveness. A teenager hints that they're overwhelmed with life and decisions. Well, that's when a parent sits down and helps them organize their thoughts and their feelings and what's going on. That's responsiveness.
[00:37:56]
But here's the truth in regards to responsiveness. It's costly. It is one of the most costly things you will do to a loved one. It means that you can't stay wrapped in your own world. It means you can't stay wrapped in your agenda, your schedule, the things you want to do. It's very easy to shrug. And some of you have said these things. And historically, older parents, previous generations have said this. Ah, they'll figure it out. Toughen up. I did. My friends did. We turned out okay. That's debatable. Just because you're still alive doesn't mean you turned out okay.
[00:38:44]
God doesn't treat us that way. God doesn't sit back and go, ah, struggle away. They'll figure it out. No. He interjects himself. Psalm 34 says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. He has done that this week with our tragedy in our world. He has seen and he has responded. And he has given peace and comfort whose spirits are crushed. Our God is responsive to you.
[00:39:33]
Research shows that when kids experience consistent responsiveness from parents or caregivers they develop what's called secure attachment. I love how we're evolving as a humanity in merging theology and science and psychology together. I believe firmly it's always God's desire from the very beginning because things are starting to make sense. What secure attachment means is the individual grows up believing that their world is safe, their world that people can be trusted and that their needs matter.
[00:40:20]
Experts tell us that with secure attachment those children grow up to be adults and they have healthier marriages, they have deeper friendships, they have a higher resilience in times of stress. Responsiveness literally changes the trajectory of a life and the same is true when it's not present. Some of you grew up as an adult or as a child and you're now an adult and you never had responsiveness and I want to say I'm sorry you were seen but no one responded to you.
[00:41:34]
Engagement means delight. It's more than just being in the same room with your family members all looking at a screen. It's a genuine desire to truly know a person and to show joy in their presence. It's the moment that at times your eyes light up when that loved one, that child, that friend, that neighbor walks into the room and you get to spend time with them. It's when you stop scrolling and you really laugh with your spouse. It's when you let your co-worker know that you're really glad to see them. It's when you spend a little bit more time with a neighbor because they need it.
[00:42:29]
God's plan for engagement and what he says to this and what we ought to be saying to our loved ones around us is you're not a burden. You're not a burden to me, you're not a pain in the neck, you're not those things to me. You are at times but the essence of who you are is not a burden. And let's be honest too often we respond with the opposite. We convey to our loved one our wife, our husband, our child, our neighbor, our friends we sigh, we rush, we treat people like they're an interruption to our schedule rather than a treasure in our lives. But God doesn't treat us like this.
[00:43:18]
God actually enjoys us. Can you imagine that? God actually enjoys you. He loves being around you. The God of the universe loves being around you. And he's constantly showing that to us.
[00:45:35]
The single best predictor of happiness and health was whether or not people had relationships marked by engagement, by joy and delight. What a difference that makes. And God delights in you. So what you need to do, what we need to do, is choose to delight in our family or those closest to us. It's a choice. And you can do this. We can do this.
[00:46:22]
Regulation means the ability to soothe another when they are anxious or scared and stimulate them when they are shutting down. Now, let me remind you, experts say, and so does the Bible, that every child needs these things in order to become a healthy adult. And if you lacked a bunch of these, you have to or did already overcome unhealthiness. Personally, this is about being able to manage your emotions without letting them control you. It's about being able to calm down when you're upset. It's about staying steady when someone else is losing their minds.
[00:47:17]
When you come home stressed from work and your spouse says, hey, let's just sit together for a moment. Let's take it slow. You're stressed. I see you. That's helping you regulate. When a friend texts you in panic and you respond with calm words of hope instead of adding fuel to the fire, that's regulation. It's what happens when we go to God in prayer. He regulates us because he loves us. He sees us and he hears us as we pray. He helps us regulate.
[00:48:53]
Neuroscience shows that we actually borrow from each other. Our brains, this is the mind-boggling creativity of God as he creates human. Our brains are wired to calm down when someone else is calm and they're with us. Isn't that crazy? That isn't just happenstance. That's literally how the brain is wired, that we calm down when we're around someone who's calm. That's why God wired families and communities and churches to be able to hold steady together. That's why isolation is of the enemy. It does no good. Why? Because we weren't wired that way.
[00:50:06]
Shame, guilt is not of God. So if you're beating yourself up, I did this last night. I was up for a couple of hours last night. I didn't even tell Sandy this. I was up for a couple of hours last night and the enemy was just taunting me on what I haven't done for my kids. You didn't do this when they were two. You should have done this when they were five. You should have done this when they were in grade school. You should have done this as they're entering into junior high. I now have all my kids are in high school and grad school. And so Satan was bringing me back and just beating the crap out of me. Sorry, I didn't mean to say that. Beating me up and I had to pray through that. And I just want to deliver that now to you, that same message. If you're feeling that, please be nice to yourself.
[00:51:56]
Capacity. This is my favorite. What is capacity? This is the creation of an environment that can handle your loved one's worst. This may be the hardest, but it might also be the most powerful. Every child and every adult needs to know that their family can handle their biggest, hardest, worst feelings and behavior. Their anger, their sadness, their fear, their shame, their worst. Your family can handle that.
[00:52:54]
This does not mean that we just live with bad behavior. This is a pleasure. It means that we stay in a relationship even when it's messy. We stay committed. We lean in. We don't fall back. We lean in. And it will be messy at times. For those of you who have ever had a family, amen, you all have a family. Unfortunately, research shows that kids who grow up knowing their parents can handle their outbursts develop a far greater emotional resilience. And the same holds true for adults.
[00:54:31]
Psychologists say that our brains literally rewire when someone stays with us in our darkest moment instead of walking away from us. The brain gets rewired. And who's the creator of the brain? Our great God and King. And think about God. This is exactly what he does for us. Romans chapter 5 verse 8 says, while we were still yet sinners, Christ died for us. That's God saying to you, I can handle your worst.
[00:55:21]
God says to us, I can handle your anger. I can handle your doubts. I can handle your opposition. I can handle your failures. They don't scare me off. I move towards you in love. Can our homes, our friendships, our workplaces become places where people know my worst won't make you leave. You'll still love me. That kind of an environment is extremely rare. But that's the bar that God is calling us to. That's what strengthens families. And it's life changing when you find it.
[00:56:16]
Repair means going back and saying, I blew it. I was wrong. Or my most frequented quote in our house, you were right and I was wrong. Will you forgive me? Repair means humility. Until next day, the enemy. Let's go. Repair means grace, and repair is what God does for us again and again and again and again and again, not just at the cross. Every second of every day, he is the chief repairman. That's all he does for us is repair to make things right again.
[00:58:54]
Research shows that in marriages, the difference between those that last and those that don't last is not the absence of conflict. We often think that, ah, don't fight, don't have friction, don't have tension. Marriages that last and thrive, it's not that they don't have conflict. It's the presence, the ever-seen presence of repair again and again and again and again and again. You might sit here going, Mike, we've had this conversation 1,000 times. I don't care. Have it 1,001 times. Because God never gives up on you. You don't give up on your family. Couples who learn to say, I'm sorry, let's start again, can weather the storms that would otherwise destroy.
[01:00:25]
So these are the six. There it is. Six things. Six things packed into the family suitcase. Attunement, responsiveness, engagement, regulation, capacity, and consistent repair. Friends, we love because he first loved us. And we pack these six things into our suitcase because he packs them daily into his for us. We're his family. He's our father. So for us, we model that in our micro-families. It's who he is. It's what he does.
[01:02:05]
What are you packing into your suitcase? What are you bringing into your family, to your home, to your friends? Some of us are carrying old baggage. Criticism, anger, pain, distance, coldness, shame, frustration. Guess what? Bless you. If that's what we're packing, then when we open up this suitcase, guess what we're pulling out? Shame, pain, distance, anger, criticism. That's what we're pulling out and giving our families. But God is inviting us to pack differently.
[01:03:13]
When God offers to help us pack, guess what we pull out? Love, patience, kindness, understanding, willing to repair, willing to engage, willing to respond. That's what we're pulling out of that when God helps us pack our suitcase. It's an amazing thing to see.
[01:05:13]
Families matter. They absolutely matter. Not just in the narrow sense of parents and kids under one roof. Family is the people you're doing life with. It's the friends that you have. It's a spouse or children. It's people in your small group or your coworkers or your neighbors who've become like family. For all of us, at least if you're a Christ follower, it's whoever is in arm's reach of us.
[01:05:37]
What would our families look like? What would society look like? What would the church look like? That kind of love changes homes. That kind of love changes communities. That kind of love changes marriages. That kind of love would change the workplace. It would curb violence. It would change the world. And here's a peek behind the curtain. You ready for this? That's always been God's plan. That we would be little disciples, little Jesus, walk around living like him, talking like him, having values like him, responding like him. Not like we want to respond.
[01:06:37]
Here's the hope. This is precisely how God loves us. He has attuned to us. He knows the hairs on our head. Or your chin. He has responded to us. He sent his son, Jesus. When we cried out in need, he responds. He engages with us. He rejoices over us with singing. Right, John? He regulates us. His peace that passes understanding calms our anxious hearts. He has boundless capacity. He handles our worst every day. And he repairs through the cross, forgiving and restoring us when we fail. And his blessings are new every morning. It's what he does. It's who he is.
[01:08:14]
Let's not just admire the suitcase. And let's not even just admire what's in the suitcase. Let's unpack it. Let's not keep these things in the suitcase. Let's pull them out to our family. And for some of you, go home today and go, hey, kids, listen, I've blown responsiveness. And my bad. I'm super sorry about it. I don't care if they're two. Say it to them. Man, I've really blown it in responsiveness. I'm going to really work on this. And I need you to let me know how I'm doing. And when I realize that I've not done well, I'm going to come and let you know that. It's what I try and do for my kids. I'm not perfect. But let's take these things into our homes, our marriages, our friendships, our neighborhoods, because families do matter.
[01:09:13]
How we love will either let our loved ones around us feel unseen, unheard, unappreciated, unnoticed, uncared for, or it will give them a glimpse of the God who delights in us. And you can do this. You can do this. I believe in you with all my heart. But it does take a choice.
[01:10:36]
