Overcoming Fears to Heal Relationships

The fear of exposure makes me distant. Why can't I get close to people? I'd like to be closer to my wife, I'd like to be closer to my husband, I'd like to have that intimacy, that soul passionate intimacy, partnership. Why can't I get close to the people in my life? Well, my fear of exposure makes me distant. [00:08:50]

There's a lot in you that you don't like. You don't like it about you, and because you don't like it about you, you certainly don't want anybody else seeing it. And the things that you don't accept about you, you have a fear will not be accepted by others. So you want to keep your distance. [00:09:13]

When people get close to you, they can see you warts and all. The closer people get, the more they see your blemishes, the more they see your mistakes, your faults, your failures, your weaknesses. And so we keep people at a distance because of fear of exposure that people will know what we know about ourselves. [00:09:36]

Any transformation in any area of your life, including relationships, only happens when you own up to the fact that they aren't what they ought to be. And as long as you think, "I got a great marriage, nothing wrong with it," it's not going to get any better. I got great friendships, it's just fine. [00:12:00]

Fear always causes us to hide. I wonder what you're hiding from today because of fear. What are you pretending not to know? What are you pretending isn't a problem in your marriage? What are you pretending isn't a problem in your life? What are you pretending is not a problem in your relationship? [00:12:44]

Shame enters your relationships. It says they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. Fear is often based in shame. Now, when you carry shame, you are easily embarrassed. When you carry shame, you fear embarrassment almost more than anything else, and you will do almost anything in your life to avoid embarrassment. [00:15:07]

Shame makes me more self-conscious. Shame makes me nervous, more nervous. Shame makes me fearful of being humiliated, and I'm going to avoid that at all cost. Shame means I am easily mortified because if you have any of those things in your life, it means there's some shame you haven't given to God. [00:15:41]

The more out of control you feel, the more controlling you become. The more out of control I feel, the more controlling I become. I start bossing everybody around. I start making demands. I start protecting myself. I start defending, demanding, demeaning. I start dominating. The more insecure you are, the greater you have a need to get your way. [00:23:00]

If you're a very secure person, you don't need to have your way all the time. You don't. It doesn't bother you. You don't have to have your way all the time because you're secure. But if you're insecure, then you really have to have your way all the time, and you fight for your way, and you push for your way. [00:23:40]

The fear of disapproval makes me defensive. My fear of disapproval makes me defensive. You see, now we move from simply hiding and running and covering up to now being defensive, and we start attacking other people back. We're not just hiding, we're now hurling. We're not just excusing ourselves, we're accusing others. [00:19:29]

The more critical a person is, the more you know they fear disapproval. I'll say that again: the more critical, the more perfectionistic, the more attacking someone is, they're always putting everybody else down, the more you know that person fears disapproval because that's the way it shows up. [00:20:17]

The more I fear disapproval in my life, the more I'm going to point at other people and all what they're doing wrong. So you see these commentators and preachers and other people who are always pointing out the wrong of everybody else. They are afraid of being disapproved of themselves. [00:20:57]