Navigating Conflict: Understanding, Styles, and Resolution

Before we get into definitions and so on a little proverb in conflict situations strive for understanding before agreement. If you get agreement before understanding you will have neither. You will have neither agreement nor understanding. If you have understanding before agreement then you will be able to interpret the dynamics. You will be able to exactly understand how things have fit together. So in conflict situations strive for understanding before agreement. [00:01:32]

So in almost all of my involvement in handling conflict situations it's because of differences which people misunderstand or differences which continue to grow and grow and people try to avoid them they try to ignore them and all of a sudden it just bursts into some kind of angry negative response. [00:02:46]

There are some people that immediately in recognizing that you think differently than I think they believe they're right in the middle of a conflict. No that's the potential of conflict. This is the time when we want to be wise. We want to know what our options are about how to move forward without creating a real conflict. So it's just potential. [00:04:53]

When the mind begins to see that there's a potential conflict here that you're thinking differently than I am or wanting something different than I want, all of us tend to apply a style of conflict management. How are we going to deal with this? What shall I do? What are the possibilities? Now, this is the most crucial part of the whole situation, but it's also almost always at the unconscious level. [00:05:21]

So we all apply a way of handling conflict, and that way will be determined pretty much by the cultural history that you have. And now, one of two things is going to happen. Either the conflict is going to be resolved, that is somehow it's all taken care of and we walk away fine and in good relationship, or the conflict now becomes a real conflict and it's going to continue until something better happens. [00:06:14]

And now, why do you have to think of this in terms of whether I love or not? It's not an issue of love, you see. And now we're debating. You see, it's happened so quickly. You know what I'm talking about. You've seen it with your parents. You've seen it in your own marriages. So how it's applied is very important. Either it encourages more conversation and more understanding and more possibility of finding a good solution, or if it's applied incorrectly, it creates defensiveness. And each of us now hardens our position. So that's very important. By the way, part of the how is also timing. [00:09:58]

If the other person is a hard day and comes home very tired and unhappy, that's not a good time to try to do conflict resolution. They just don't have the energy for it, and it's not going to work. well. So the timing is also part of this, how it's applied. [00:10:36]

And she really liked this woman. This other woman liked her. The relationship had been good, but she felt there was some distance coming, just the feeling that you get. So she says, you know, I wonder if we could talk for a few minutes about our relationship because I'm feeling a little bit of strain there. Nothing serious, but I don't want it to get. Oh, Muriel, don't worry about it. We're just like two ships passing in the night. [00:11:29]

That is, you give in to the other person when there's differences. You yield to them. You, same as giving in. Or you accommodate. You say, well, yes, I think in most of the situations you're probably right. And I have no difficulty with that. But, and so you have these kinds of phrases that just smooth over potential conflict. [00:15:00]

And this is sometimes called the problem -solving way. That is, we have a problem here, the football game or the concert. That's the difficulty. And so now, rather than taking a win position, I say, and my wife says, how can we talk about this? What are our options? How can we be creative so that both of us can win? It's also called the win -win position. [00:17:54]

And so often compromise is something that works. So my wife will say, well, I'll tell you what, you can use the, you can watch the football game, but then will you come to this concert with me two months from now and do that? I'll take another woman with me to go to the concert. You can watch the football game. Or I'll say to her, I'll go with the concert with you, but my friend wants me to go to this other football game in two weeks' time. And see, that's compromise. Both sides tend to give up something, but they also get something. [00:20:59]

If you're going to lose your job or that might be a time not to confront, not to express yourself strongly, maybe that's a time to avoid conflict completely. My wife and I worked on the streets of Chicago for a year. We came onto the streets about 9 o 'clock at night, 8 o 'clock, 9 o 'clock, and we were on the streets mostly trying to help people until about 3 a .m. in the morning. [00:25:19]