Navigating Conflict in Marriage: A Biblical Approach
Summary
### Summary
In our final session of this weekend, we delved into the topic of conflict within marriage. Conflict is inevitable because we live in a sin-cursed world, and both partners are sinners. The key is not to avoid conflict but to approach it with a biblical mindset. We began by emphasizing the importance of applying the principles we've discussed throughout the weekend to prevent conflicts. These principles include having a shared understanding of the purpose of marriage, building oneness, quick confession and repentance, and clear communication. When these principles are applied, many petty conflicts can be avoided.
However, when conflicts do arise, we should embrace them as opportunities for growth and sanctification. Robert D. Jones's book "Pursuing Peace" offers seven perspectives on how conflicts can be beneficial: enhancing our relationship with God, experiencing the sufferings of Jesus, exposing our remaining sin, exhibiting God's work in us, engaging more actively in the body of Christ, equipping us to minister to others, and elevating our desire for Christ's return.
Understanding the root of conflicts is crucial. James 4:1-2 tells us that conflicts arise from our desires that battle within us. These desires, even if they are good, can become idolatrous when we want them more than we want to please Christ. We must catch conflicts before they start by asking ourselves what we want and why we want it so badly. Practical steps include saying "okay" to diffuse tension and holding hands or praying with your spouse during conflicts.
When conflicts do occur, we should respond by praying for wisdom, checking ourselves for any wrongdoing, seeking to understand our spouse, letting love cover minor offenses, confronting serious issues in love, attacking the issue and not the person, and forgiving and moving forward. By applying these biblical principles, we can navigate conflicts in a way that glorifies God and strengthens our marriage.
### Key Takeaways
1. Preventing Conflicts Through Biblical Principles: Applying biblical principles such as having a shared understanding of marriage's purpose, building oneness, and clear communication can prevent many petty conflicts. These principles help align our hearts with God's design for marriage, reducing the likelihood of strife. [02:45]
2. Embracing Conflicts for Growth: Conflicts should be seen as opportunities for spiritual growth and sanctification. They can enhance our relationship with God, expose our remaining sin, and help us exhibit God's work in us. Embracing conflicts with this perspective can transform them into moments of grace and growth. [08:36]
3. Understanding the Root of Conflicts: According to James 4:1-2, conflicts arise from our desires that battle within us. These desires, even if good, can become idolatrous when we want them more than we want to please Christ. Recognizing this helps us address the true source of our conflicts. [14:32]
4. Practical Steps to Catch Conflicts Early: Asking ourselves what we want and why we want it so badly can help catch conflicts before they escalate. Simple actions like saying "okay" to diffuse tension and holding hands or praying with your spouse can prevent minor disagreements from becoming major conflicts. [24:50]
5. Responding Biblically to Conflicts: When conflicts occur, we should pray for wisdom, check ourselves for any wrongdoing, seek to understand our spouse, let love cover minor offenses, confront serious issues in love, attack the issue and not the person, and forgive and move forward. These steps help us navigate conflicts in a way that glorifies God and strengthens our marriage. [33:02]
### YouTube Chapters
[0:00] - Welcome
[01:22] - Introduction to Conflict in Marriage
[02:45] - Preventing Conflicts
[04:04] - Applying Biblical Principles
[07:46] - Embracing Conflicts
[08:36] - Seven Perspectives on Conflict
[13:41] - Understanding Conflict
[14:32] - Root Causes of Conflict
[23:11] - Catching Conflicts Early
[24:50] - Practical Steps to Prevent Conflicts
[33:02] - Responding to Conflicts
[42:09] - Forgiving and Moving Forward
[44:01] - Closing Prayer
Study Guide
### Bible Study Discussion Guide
#### Bible Reading
1. James 4:1-2 (NIV) - "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God."
2. Philippians 3:10 (NIV) - "I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death."
3. 1 Peter 4:8 (NIV) - "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
#### Observation Questions
1. According to James 4:1-2, what is the root cause of conflicts and quarrels among people? How does this align with the sermon’s explanation of conflict in marriage? [14:32]
2. In Philippians 3:10, what does Paul express a desire to experience, and how does this relate to the concept of embracing conflicts for spiritual growth? [09:51]
3. How does 1 Peter 4:8 describe the power of love in dealing with sins and conflicts? How was this principle applied in the sermon’s practical steps for handling conflicts? [38:52]
#### Interpretation Questions
1. How can understanding the root cause of conflicts, as described in James 4:1-2, change the way couples approach disagreements in their marriage? [14:32]
2. What does it mean to "participate in the sufferings of Christ" as mentioned in Philippians 3:10, and how can this perspective help couples embrace conflicts as opportunities for growth? [09:51]
3. How can the principle of love covering a multitude of sins, as stated in 1 Peter 4:8, be practically applied in daily marital conflicts? What are some specific ways to let love cover minor offenses? [38:52]
#### Application Questions
1. Reflect on a recent conflict you had with your spouse. What desire was at the root of that conflict, and how could recognizing this earlier have changed the outcome? [18:48]
2. The sermon mentioned practical steps like saying "okay" to diffuse tension. How can you implement this or a similar strategy in your next disagreement to prevent escalation? [26:06]
3. How can you and your spouse make a habit of praying together, especially during conflicts? What steps can you take to make this a regular practice? [34:43]
4. Think about a time when you let a minor offense slide because of love. How did this affect your relationship? How can you make this a more consistent practice? [38:52]
5. The sermon emphasized the importance of quick confession and repentance. How can you create an environment in your marriage where both partners feel safe to admit their wrongs and seek forgiveness? [36:28]
6. How can you actively work on your heart to align your desires with pleasing Christ, especially in the context of your marriage? What specific actions can you take this week to prioritize this? [20:28]
7. Discuss with your spouse how you can support each other in applying the biblical principles discussed in the sermon to prevent and handle conflicts. What are some practical steps you can take together? [05:19]
Devotional
Day 1: Preventing Conflicts Through Biblical Principles
Description: Applying biblical principles such as having a shared understanding of marriage's purpose, building oneness, and clear communication can prevent many petty conflicts. These principles help align our hearts with God's design for marriage, reducing the likelihood of strife. When both partners are committed to these principles, they create a foundation of mutual respect and love that can withstand the pressures of daily life. By focusing on the purpose of marriage as a reflection of Christ's relationship with the church, couples can find a deeper sense of unity and purpose.
Clear communication is essential in preventing misunderstandings that can lead to conflict. This involves not only speaking truthfully but also listening actively and empathetically. Quick confession and repentance are also crucial, as they allow couples to address issues before they fester and grow into larger problems. By maintaining an attitude of humility and a willingness to forgive, couples can navigate the challenges of marriage with grace and love. [02:45]
Ephesians 4:2-3 (ESV): "With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."
Reflection: Think about a recent disagreement you had with your spouse. How could applying the principles of clear communication and quick repentance have changed the outcome?
Day 2: Embracing Conflicts for Growth
Description: Conflicts should be seen as opportunities for spiritual growth and sanctification. They can enhance our relationship with God, expose our remaining sin, and help us exhibit God's work in us. Embracing conflicts with this perspective can transform them into moments of grace and growth. When we face conflicts, we are given the chance to rely more deeply on God's wisdom and strength, rather than our own understanding.
Robert D. Jones's book "Pursuing Peace" offers seven perspectives on how conflicts can be beneficial: enhancing our relationship with God, experiencing the sufferings of Jesus, exposing our remaining sin, exhibiting God's work in us, engaging more actively in the body of Christ, equipping us to minister to others, and elevating our desire for Christ's return. By viewing conflicts through this lens, we can see them as a means to grow closer to God and to become more like Christ in our character and actions. [08:36]
James 1:2-4 (ESV): "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
Reflection: Reflect on a recent conflict you experienced. How can you see this conflict as an opportunity for spiritual growth and sanctification?
Day 3: Understanding the Root of Conflicts
Description: According to James 4:1-2, conflicts arise from our desires that battle within us. These desires, even if good, can become idolatrous when we want them more than we want to please Christ. Recognizing this helps us address the true source of our conflicts. When we understand that our unmet desires are often at the root of our disputes, we can begin to address these issues more effectively.
By asking ourselves what we want and why we want it so badly, we can gain insight into our motivations and whether they align with God's will. This self-examination can help us catch conflicts before they start and allow us to approach our spouse with a more humble and understanding attitude. It is essential to remember that our ultimate goal should be to please Christ, and when our desires align with this goal, we can navigate conflicts with greater wisdom and grace. [14:32]
James 4:1-2 (ESV): "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask."
Reflection: Consider a recent conflict and identify the desires that were at the root of it. How can you align these desires with your desire to please Christ?
Day 4: Practical Steps to Catch Conflicts Early
Description: Asking ourselves what we want and why we want it so badly can help catch conflicts before they escalate. Simple actions like saying "okay" to diffuse tension and holding hands or praying with your spouse can prevent minor disagreements from becoming major conflicts. These practical steps can create a more peaceful and loving environment in your marriage.
By taking a moment to pause and reflect on our desires, we can gain clarity and perspective. This can help us respond more calmly and thoughtfully, rather than reacting impulsively. Holding hands or praying together during a conflict can also serve as a powerful reminder of your commitment to each other and to God. These small gestures can go a long way in maintaining harmony and preventing conflicts from spiraling out of control. [24:50]
Proverbs 15:1 (ESV): "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
Reflection: Think of a recent minor disagreement. How could you have used a simple action, like saying "okay" or holding hands, to diffuse the tension and prevent it from escalating?
Day 5: Responding Biblically to Conflicts
Description: When conflicts occur, we should pray for wisdom, check ourselves for any wrongdoing, seek to understand our spouse, let love cover minor offenses, confront serious issues in love, attack the issue and not the person, and forgive and move forward. These steps help us navigate conflicts in a way that glorifies God and strengthens our marriage. By approaching conflicts with a heart of humility and a desire for reconciliation, we can turn potentially divisive situations into opportunities for growth and unity.
Praying for wisdom allows us to seek God's guidance and perspective, which can help us respond more effectively. Checking ourselves for any wrongdoing ensures that we are taking responsibility for our actions and not placing all the blame on our spouse. Seeking to understand our spouse's perspective fosters empathy and compassion. Letting love cover minor offenses helps us to overlook small irritations and focus on the bigger picture. Confronting serious issues in love and attacking the issue, not the person, ensures that we address the problem without damaging the relationship. Finally, forgiving and moving forward allows us to let go of past hurts and build a stronger, more resilient marriage. [33:02]
Colossians 3:12-13 (ESV): "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."
Reflection: Reflect on a recent conflict with your spouse. How can you apply the steps of praying for wisdom, checking yourself, seeking to understand, and forgiving to resolve the conflict in a way that glorifies God?
Quotes
### Quotes for Outreach
1. "No marriage is immune to conflict because we live in a sin-cursed world. There will be difficulties and hardships and troubles to navigate, and because you are a sinner, married to a sinner, there will be times of strife and tension and conflict in your marriage." [01:22] (26 seconds)
2. "By applying what we've learned so far this weekend, meaning have a shared and biblical understanding of the purpose of marriage. It's not for your happiness or for your dreams to be fulfilled or that they'll complete you or that, you know, you have all your needs met or anything else. All your dreams come true, but rather it's for the glory of God and to display the glory of God." [04:04] (30 seconds)
3. "Conflicts have a great way to fulfill one of God's purposes in marriage. To destroy. To display the gospel. When we are patient as He has been patient with us. When we forgive as He has forgiven us. When we love as He has, and because He has first loved us. It's a way that we can exhibit God's work in us to others." [10:41] (26 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
4. "The problem is not what you desire, but how badly you desire. You desire it. You want it so much that you're willing to kill for it. Well, I mean, perhaps not physically kill, but you're certainly willing to make some stabs. And the reality is, if you remain on this course, you could certainly kill your marriage. And many have." [17:55] (33 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
5. "There is and there should be a certain proper order for our desires. You see, the top priority ought to be to obey and please Christ. Whether in life or in death, whether at home, in the body, or away from it, we make it our aim to, please Christ. This ought to be the top, top priority." [20:28] (27 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
### Quotes for Members
1. "You are not going to get over some of these conflicts. You will be doing yourself and your marriage a disservice if you disregard the principled instruction and then attempt to apply the practical. Because, in fact, by taking to heart those principles that we've already talked about, you can prevent conflicts." [02:45] (25 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
2. "When we both got on the same page, God's page of what marriage was designed to be like, and we started chasing after that and not our own dreams. And our dreams and desires, man, it just radically changed things. And our children grow up in a home where their parents don't fight." [05:19] (35 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
3. "Conflicts have a way of revealing our hearts, don't they? Huh? We're going to talk a little bit more about that specifically. Conflicts have a way of squeezing us to see what comes out. You squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. You squeeze an apple, you get apple juice. What comes out when you get squeezed? What is you juice?" [10:41] (21 seconds)
4. "What did you want? And why did you want it so badly that you were willing to fight your spouse over it? What did you want? Identify what that thing is. I just wanted a peaceful home. I just wanted my wife to respect me. I just wanted a tidy, clean house. I just wanted my husband to love me. That's not a bad want to have. The problem is that you wanted it so badly that you were willing to fight your spouse over it." [18:48] (9 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
5. "Forgive and move forward. Give over that offense. To Jesus. And continue to give over that offense to Jesus. Why because forgiveness is an ongoing commitment. Not a one-time decision but an ongoing commitment not to harm or shame. And move forward in the confidence. That the grace of God is not only sufficient to cover sins. But to sustain you. In his grace. To do the things that he's called you to do. To love one another. To grow in oneness. To display the gospel to each other. And to bring God glory in your marriage." [41:21] (50 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
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