Learning to Love: Cultivating Lasting Marital Connection

Summary

The longing for love is universal, but many of us spend years searching for the “missing piece” without realizing that true love is something we must learn and cultivate. Drawing from the Song of Solomon, we see that God designed men and women with unique hearts and longings. Women desire to feel beautiful and special, to be cherished as someone’s “Cinderella.” Men, on the other hand, long to feel strong, respected, and affirmed as a “stag”—a warrior and protector. These differences are not social constructs but are woven into our very being by God Himself.

From childhood, these distinct desires are evident. Little girls twirl in dresses, seeking the approving gaze of their fathers, while little boys test their strength against their dads, longing for affirmation. As adults, these same needs persist, only the mirrors change—from parents to spouses. A woman’s heart asks, “Am I still beautiful to you?” while a man’s heart wonders, “Am I strong enough for you?” Recognizing and honoring these differences is essential for a thriving marriage.

The affection-admiration cycle described in Ephesians 5:33 is God’s blueprint for marital love. Husbands are called to love and cherish their wives, while wives are called to respect and affirm their husbands. When this cycle is healthy, love flourishes. But when emotional withdrawals replace deposits—when a wife no longer feels cherished or a husband no longer feels respected—the relationship begins to wither.

Personal experience reveals that even after years of marriage, it’s possible to lose sight of these truths. Emotional distance, silent treatments, and self-protection can erode intimacy. Yet, when we choose to die to ourselves—turning into the pain rather than away from it—God brings resurrection. True transformation in marriage begins with personal surrender to God’s design and a willingness to love sacrificially, regardless of how we are treated in return.

Practical steps, like daily prayer together, can reignite intimacy and restore what was lost. The journey to lasting love is not about finding the perfect partner, but about becoming the person God calls us to be—laying down our lives for one another, just as Christ did for us.

Key Takeaways

- Love Must Be Learned, Not Assumed
It’s not enough to feel love; we must learn how to love well. Many enter marriage believing love will come naturally, but true love requires intentionality, humility, and a willingness to understand and meet the unique needs of our spouse. This learning process is ongoing and demands self-reflection and growth. [11:00]

- The Deepest Longing of a Woman’s Heart
A woman’s heart is designed to long for beauty and to feel special. From childhood to adulthood, she seeks affirmation that she is cherished and seen. Husbands, when you make your wife feel beautiful and valued, you are speaking directly to the core of her being, nurturing the love that drew her to you in the first place. [15:40]

- The Deepest Longing of a Man’s Heart
A man’s heart is wired for strength and affirmation. He desires to feel respected, strong, and capable in the eyes of his wife. When a wife affirms her husband’s strength and respects him, she empowers him to be the man God created him to be, fueling a cycle of love and admiration that sustains the marriage. [29:59]

- The Affection-Admiration Cycle
God’s design for marriage is a cycle where a husband’s affection fuels a wife’s admiration, and her admiration, in turn, fuels his affection. When this cycle is broken—through neglect, criticism, or emotional withdrawal—marriage suffers. Restoration begins when each spouse chooses to give what the other needs most, regardless of their own feelings in the moment. [34:15]

- Resurrection Comes Through Dying to Self
True transformation in marriage happens when we stop protecting ourselves and start laying down our lives for our spouse. Turning into the pain, repenting, and choosing sacrificial love—even when it hurts—opens the door for God’s resurrection power. When we let God change us, He brings new life to our relationships, often in ways we never imagined. [42:34]

Youtube Chapters

[00:00] - Welcome
[01:10] - Introduction to Song of Solomon
[03:45] - The Greatest Love Song
[06:30] - The Missing Piece in Love
[11:00] - Learning How to Love
[15:40] - The Longing of a Woman’s Heart
[18:07] - Men and Women: Created Different
[20:01] - Why We Fall Out of Love
[21:51] - Childhood Reflections: Boys and Girls
[24:17] - The Real Miracle: Staying in Love
[26:12] - Emotional Deposits and Withdrawals
[27:21] - The Longing of a Man’s Heart
[29:59] - Affirming Strength in Men
[34:15] - The Affection-Admiration Cycle
[37:35] - Personal Story: Breaking the Cycle
[42:34] - Resurrection in Marriage
[45:19] - The Power of Praying Together

Study Guide

Bible Study Discussion Guide: The Longing for Love (Song of Solomon 2 & Ephesians 5:33)

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### Bible Reading

- Song of Solomon 2:1-2, 16-17
(“I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys…” / “My beloved is mine and I am his… be like a gazelle or a young stag…”)

- Ephesians 5:33
(“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”)

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### Observation Questions

1. In Song of Solomon 2:1-2, how does the man respond to the woman’s feelings about herself? What does he compare her to, and why is that significant?
[[15:40]]

2. According to Ephesians 5:33, what are the two different instructions given to husbands and wives? Why do you think Paul gives these specific commands?
[[34:15]]

3. In the sermon, what are the “mirrors” in a woman’s and a man’s life, and how do these change from childhood to adulthood?
[[24:17]]

4. What does the woman call the man in Song of Solomon 2:17, and what does that reveal about his deepest longing?
[[29:59]]

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### Interpretation Questions

1. The sermon says that men and women are “equal but not the same.” How does this idea challenge or support what you see in Song of Solomon 2 and Ephesians 5:33?
[[18:07]]

2. Why is it important for a husband to make his wife feel beautiful and special, and for a wife to affirm her husband’s strength? What happens when these needs are not met?
[[20:01]] [[35:49]]

3. The “affection-admiration cycle” is described as God’s blueprint for marriage. How does this cycle work, and what breaks it?
[[34:15]]

4. The pastor shared a personal story about emotional withdrawal and silent treatment in marriage. What did he learn about “dying to self” and how did it change his relationship?
[[40:25]] [[42:34]]

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### Application Questions

1. The sermon says, “Love must be learned, not assumed.” In your own relationships, have you ever realized you didn’t know how to love someone well? What did you do about it, or what could you do differently now?
[[11:00]]

2. For those who are married: When was the last time you made your spouse feel truly special or affirmed? What is one practical thing you could do this week to speak to their deepest longing (beauty for wives, strength for husbands)?
[[15:40]] [[29:59]]

3. If you’re single, how can you start learning to love well now, instead of waiting until you’re married? What habits or attitudes could you practice?
[[11:00]]

4. The “affection-admiration cycle” can break down through neglect or criticism. Are there any ways you’ve unintentionally withdrawn affection or admiration in your relationships? How could you start making “emotional deposits” again?
[[35:49]]

5. The pastor described a turning point when he chose to “die to self” and love sacrificially, even when it hurt. Is there a place in your marriage or another relationship where you need to stop protecting yourself and start loving sacrificially? What would that look like?
[[40:25]] [[42:34]]

6. The sermon suggests that praying together as a couple can reignite intimacy. If you’re married, what keeps you from praying with your spouse? If you’re single, how can you make prayer a regular part of your relationships with others?
[[45:19]]

7. The message says, “The journey to lasting love is not about finding the perfect partner, but about becoming the person God calls us to be.” What is one area where you sense God calling you to grow in how you love others?
[[42:34]]

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Closing Prayer Suggestion:
Invite the group to pray for God’s help to see and meet the unique needs of those they love, and for courage to love sacrificially, following Christ’s example.

Devotional

Day 1: The Longing of a Woman’s Heart: To Feel Beautiful and Special
Every woman, from the time she is a little girl, carries a deep desire to feel beautiful and to be seen as special. This longing is not a social construct but a reflection of how God uniquely designed her heart. Whether it’s the way she decorates her home, the joy she finds in creating beauty, or the way she seeks affirmation from those she loves, this desire is woven into her very being. Husbands, when you cherish your wife and make her feel like she is the most beautiful and special woman in the world, you are speaking directly to the core of her heart. The miracle of lasting love is found in continually affirming her worth and beauty, not just in the early days of romance, but every day, so she knows she is still your “Cinderella.” [15:40]

Song of Solomon 2:1-2 (ESV)
I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. As a lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.

Reflection: What is one specific way you can affirm the beauty and uniqueness of a woman in your life today—whether your wife, daughter, or friend—so she feels truly seen and cherished?


Day 2: The Longing of a Man’s Heart: To Feel Strong and Respected
At the core of every man is the desire to feel strong, powerful, and respected. This is not about ego or pride, but about the way God has wired men to be warriors, protectors, and providers. Just as a woman looks for affirmation of her beauty, a man looks to those closest to him—especially his wife—to affirm his strength and capability. When a wife respects her husband and affirms his strengths, she is fueling his heart and helping him become the man God created him to be. The longing to be someone’s “stag” or “knight in shining armor” is not childish fantasy, but a God-given drive that, when honored, brings out the best in him and strengthens the marriage bond. [29:59]

Song of Solomon 2:16-17 (ESV)
My beloved is mine, and I am his; he grazes among the lilies. Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, turn, my beloved, be like a gazelle or a young stag on cleft mountains.

Reflection: How can you intentionally affirm the strength or capability of a man in your life today, helping him feel respected and valued?


Day 3: The Affection-Admiration Cycle: How Love Grows and Fades
God designed marriage with a beautiful cycle: as a husband shows affection and cherishes his wife, she naturally responds with admiration and respect, which in turn fuels his affection. This affection-admiration cycle keeps love alive and growing. However, when couples stop making these emotional deposits—when a wife no longer feels cherished or a husband no longer feels respected—the cycle reverses, leading to emotional distance and pain. Recognizing and nurturing this cycle is essential for a thriving marriage. It’s not about perfection, but about consistently choosing to love, respect, and affirm one another, even when it’s hard. [35:49]

Ephesians 5:33 (ESV)
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Reflection: In what practical way can you either show affection to your spouse or express admiration and respect today to help keep your relationship’s love cycle moving forward?


Day 4: Choosing Sacrificial Love: Turning Into the Pain
True love in marriage is not just about feelings or romance, but about sacrificially choosing to love, even when it hurts. There are moments when self-protection and pride tempt us to turn away from our spouse, but real transformation happens when we turn toward them, choosing humility, repentance, and forgiveness. When we lay down our lives for each other—just as Christ did for the church—God brings resurrection life to what feels dead or hopeless. The turning point in any relationship often comes when one person chooses to die to self, to love unconditionally, and to let God change them from the inside out. [42:34]

Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Reflection: Is there a place in your marriage or a close relationship where you have been turning away instead of turning toward? What would it look like to choose sacrificial love in that area today?


Day 5: The Power of Praying Together: Inviting God’s Presence into Your Marriage
Praying together as a couple is one of the most intimate and transformative practices you can share. It invites the Holy Spirit to work in your hearts, brings healing to wounds, and unites you in a supernatural way. Even if it feels vulnerable or awkward at first, making prayer a daily habit with your spouse can reignite desire, deepen trust, and keep your marriage strong through every season. When you pray over each other, you are inviting God to do what only He can do—bring resurrection life, healing, and lasting joy to your relationship. [45:59]

Matthew 18:19-20 (ESV)
Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.

Reflection: If you are married, will you take the step to pray with your spouse today—even a short, honest prayer—and invite God’s presence into your relationship? If you are single, who is one person you can pray with this week to invite God’s presence into your life?

Quotes

The real miracle of love is not when two people fall in love. That's easy. It's when two people are still in love 50 years later. And decades later, after they've been looking at each other. Year after year after year they are still in love. Let me tell you something. That didn't just happen. That's not an accident. I'll tell you why they're still in love. They kept doing the things that made them fall in love. [00:24:51] (00:00:25 seconds) Edit Clip

Ephesians 5 is by far the greatest dissertation on marriage ever written in the history of marriage. Of all the marriage books ever written, marriage manuals ever written, Ephesians 5, by far the best. Written by the Apostle Paul under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. It gives us the theology of marriage that the husband is a picture of Christ, the bridegroom, and the wife is a picture of the church, the bride of Christ. [00:34:19] (00:00:24 seconds) Edit Clip

He says these words, nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Happy marriage. If you can do that one verse, you're going to have a happy marriage. And I want you to notice he doesn't tell the wives and the husbands to do the same thing. He says, no, I want the husbands to love the wife and wives see that you respect your husband. Now it's not that wives don't need respect. It's not that husbands don't need love, but it's recognizing the differences in the heart of a man and a woman. [00:34:59] (00:00:34 seconds) Edit Clip

I call this the affection admiration cycle. God put it in marriage to keep your love in motion. As he feels her affection, or as he feels her admiration, he naturally then feels affection. He responds with affection. And as she feels his affection, it naturally makes her feel more admiration. And the way she responds to that affection is to give back admiration. And when he receives that admiration, he naturally feels the affection. And that cycle now is going until death do they part. It's how you fall in love. It's how you stay in love, making those emotional deposits over and over and over again. [00:35:49] (00:00:41 seconds) Edit Clip

But what happens when you start making withdrawals? All of a sudden, he feels belittled. He feels like he's scolded. He feels like he's not enough, that he's inadequate, he's insufficient. And she no longer feels special. She doesn't even feel seen. No longer does she feel the affection. So naturally, she doesn't feel as much admiration. He doesn't feel as much admiration. So he naturally feels less affection. And that cycle God put in your marriage to make you fall in love and stay in love is now working against you. [00:36:29] (00:00:31 seconds) Edit Clip

That was the first time in 14 years of marriage I became an Ephesians 5 25 husband. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. For the first time I chose the nails. I turned into the pain. You guys, I'm telling you this. I got the wife I always wanted when God got the man he always wanted. When I became the man God wanted, I got the wife I wanted. The way you change your marriage is like God change you, and when God transforms you, he will transform those nearest to you. [00:42:17] (00:00:36 seconds) Edit Clip

The number one thing you could do as a couple, start to pray together. I mean, really. I don't just mean the dinnertime prayer. I mean real prayer. Praying over each other. You're asking the Spirit of God to come in and do something supernatural when you do. [00:45:54] (00:00:17 seconds) Edit Clip