Learning to Love: Cultivating Lasting Marital Connection

The real miracle of love is not when two people fall in love. That's easy. It's when two people are still in love 50 years later. And decades later, after they've been looking at each other. Year after year after year they are still in love. Let me tell you something. That didn't just happen. That's not an accident. I'll tell you why they're still in love. They kept doing the things that made them fall in love. [00:24:51] (25 seconds)

Ephesians 5 is by far the greatest dissertation on marriage ever written in the history of marriage. Of all the marriage books ever written, marriage manuals ever written, Ephesians 5, by far the best. Written by the Apostle Paul under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. It gives us the theology of marriage that the husband is a picture of Christ, the bridegroom, and the wife is a picture of the church, the bride of Christ. [00:34:19] (24 seconds)

He says these words, nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Happy marriage. If you can do that one verse, you're going to have a happy marriage. And I want you to notice he doesn't tell the wives and the husbands to do the same thing. He says, no, I want the husbands to love the wife and wives see that you respect your husband. Now it's not that wives don't need respect. It's not that husbands don't need love, but it's recognizing the differences in the heart of a man and a woman. [00:34:59] (34 seconds)

I call this the affection admiration cycle. God put it in marriage to keep your love in motion. As he feels her affection, or as he feels her admiration, he naturally then feels affection. He responds with affection. And as she feels his affection, it naturally makes her feel more admiration. And the way she responds to that affection is to give back admiration. And when he receives that admiration, he naturally feels the affection. And that cycle now is going until death do they part. It's how you fall in love. It's how you stay in love, making those emotional deposits over and over and over again. [00:35:49] (41 seconds)

But what happens when you start making withdrawals? All of a sudden, he feels belittled. He feels like he's scolded. He feels like he's not enough, that he's inadequate, he's insufficient. And she no longer feels special. She doesn't even feel seen. No longer does she feel the affection. So naturally, she doesn't feel as much admiration. He doesn't feel as much admiration. So he naturally feels less affection. And that cycle God put in your marriage to make you fall in love and stay in love is now working against you. [00:36:29] (31 seconds)

``That was the first time in 14 years of marriage I became an Ephesians 5 25 husband. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. For the first time I chose the nails. I turned into the pain. You guys, I'm telling you this. I got the wife I always wanted when God got the man he always wanted. When I became the man God wanted, I got the wife I wanted. The way you change your marriage is like God change you, and when God transforms you, he will transform those nearest to you. [00:42:17] (36 seconds)

The number one thing you could do as a couple, start to pray together. I mean, really. I don't just mean the dinnertime prayer. I mean real prayer. Praying over each other. You're asking the Spirit of God to come in and do something supernatural when you do. [00:45:54] (17 seconds)