Journey to Faith: Embracing Identity in Christ

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Had a pastor whose name is Ken Smith not shared the gospel with me for years and years, over and over again, not in some used-car salesman way, but in an organic, and spontaneous and compassionate way. Those questions might still be lodged in the crevices of my mind and I might never yet have met the most unlikely of friends of all, Jesus Christ himself. [00:01:32]

Ken and his wife, Floy, and I became friends. They entered my world. They met my friends. We did book exchanges. We talked openly about sexuality and politics. And they did not act as if such conversations were polluting them. They did not treat me like a blank slate. When we ate together, Ken prayed in a way that I had never heard before. [00:10:33]

I started meeting with Ken and Floy regularly, reading the Bible in earnest with pen in hand and notebook in lap. At the time, I met a man in the church who had also had a long history of sexual sin much like my own, but who had become a follower of this God-man, Jesus. He also encouraged me to dig deeply into the Bible. [00:12:04]

I simply started to read the Bible the way that I was trained to read a book. Examining it's textual authority, authorship, canonicity, internal hermeneutics. I read the way a glutton devours. And slowly and overtime the Bible started to take on a life and a meaning that startled me. Some of my well-worn paradigms no longer stuck. [00:12:20]

I noticed as I read the Bible that its admonitions about sin were often followed by offers of grace. And that struck me as odd. You mean the God of the Bible deals differently with people when people deal differently with Him? And number two, if God is the creator of all things and if the Bible has his seal of truth and power then the Bible has the right to interrogate me in my life, not the other way around. [00:13:31]

The internal mission of the Bible is to transform the nature of humanity. Any heathen knows that, that's why it's so scary. So even non-believers, of course, know that this is a dangerous text. And I was puzzled that the chapel dean seemed to have such little understanding of the book that he had studied longer than I did. [00:15:27]

The Bible makes clear that my future and my calling will always echo an attribute of God, obedience constrains. What is bigger? I wondered. My lesbian identity or God's authority over me? Who is this Jesus? Did I know Him? Did I still lack understanding? Could I trust him? And then one ordinary day I came to Jesus. [00:33:00]

Repentance is bitter sweet business. Repentance is not just a conversion exercise. Repentance is the daily and hourly posture of the Christian. Repentance is our daily fruit, our hourly washing, our minute by minute wake up call, our reminder of God's creation, Jesus’ blood and the Holy Spirit's convention – comfort. [00:38:16]

I drank from the means of grace that God provides: Bible reading, prayer, Psalm singing, fellowship of the saints, and then later church membership and the Lord supper. I took respite in private peace and then Christian community. And eventually God placed me in a covenant family as a wife and a mother, and a teacher and a writer. [00:39:04]

The sinfulness of sin unfolded for me in the authority of the Bible alone. And the growing sweetness of my union with Christ and in the sanctification that this births. At a certain point in my life, I knew that I had to turn the wheel over to God a little like an Alzheimer's patient, who in a flashing moment of mental lucidity signs over his rights to an able-minded caregiver. [00:40:38]

But please, to the Christians who do not struggle with gay or lesbian temptations, please do not add unbearable weight to this burden by thinking that the sin of homosexual practice and identity is somehow bigger or different than all the others or even that its solution is heterosexuality. The solution to all sin is Christ's atoning blood. [00:45:00]

I think about what it means to live within the story of the Bible how repentance is a fruit of my new life in Christ. Paul's question in Romans 6:21 is one I ask myself daily. What fruit did you have then in the things of which you are now ashamed? The layer of my life in Christ always unfolds in this double directional way, praying for sins of the past, repenting for sins of the past that the Lord is bringing to mind, and repenting about sins of today. [00:46:18]

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