Following Jesus' Flowchart: Restoring Relationships with Grace

Matthew 18:15 to 20 comes right after the parable of the lost sheep, and that connection matters. Matthew remembers that people are sinful and can become lost, but God still pursues them. Jesus then gives a clear way to deal with sin when it harms a relationship: remember personal sinfulness, and remember that God also loves and pursues the one who has caused harm.

The call to forgiveness does not mean ignoring injustice, pretending nothing happened, or becoming a doormat where others can wipe their boots. Jesus addresses sin head on, out of love and with a determination to correct it. Forgiveness and accountability must go side by side, just as God did not merely announce forgiveness from a distance but came in Jesus Christ and went to the cross. Clear boundaries make forgiveness meaningful, because love speaks truth even in tough conversations.

Jesus lays out something like a flow chart. The first step is simple: speak one on one with the sibling who has sinned. The goal is not winning an argument but regaining that one. The next step brings one or two others into the conversation, and then the church becomes involved if reconciliation has still not come. Conflict may begin personally and privately, but unresolved conflict becomes communal because grace, forgiveness, discernment, binding, and loosing belong to the whole community.

The phrase “let that person be to you as a Gentile or tax collector” does not give permission to hate, cut off, or condemn. Jesus himself moved toward Gentiles, tax collectors, and those rejected by the community. Jesus did not put a large label on people’s heads or decide they were beyond welcome. The space of grace remains open, even when boundaries have changed and trust must be rebuilt slowly.

Jesus also releases people from the desire to control another person’s response. Reconciliation cannot be forced, repentance cannot be manipulated, and restoration cannot be demanded on a personal timeline. Grace calls the harmed person to stand firmly, speak out of love, and leave the response before God. God’s forgiveness becomes the ground for extending forgiveness to others, not by avoiding conflict, but by facing it with wisdom, love, and grace.

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Key Takeaways

• 1. Forgiveness and accountability belong together Forgiveness does not erase the reality of harm or remove the need for truth. God’s own work in Christ shows that reconciliation is costly, honest, and full of love. Clear boundaries do not oppose grace; they protect the possibility that grace may become real rather than sentimental. [30:37]
• 2. The goal is to regain the lost Jesus frames confrontation around restoration, not punishment or personal victory. Each step asks whether the relationship can be brought back through truthful and loving conversation. The person who has sinned remains someone God pursues, even when that person resists correction. [32:15]
• 3. Conflict becomes a community matter Jesus does not leave wounded people alone to carry unresolved conflict forever. The church enters carefully, not as a crowd to shame an offender, but as a community of discernment, grace, and accountability. Shared wisdom can create safer boundaries and a more faithful path toward reconciliation. [33:39]
• 4. Gentiles and tax collectors remain welcome Jesus’ words about Gentiles and tax collectors must be read through Jesus’ own table fellowship and mercy. Distance or changed boundaries do not mean hatred, exclusion, or a final condemnation. Grace still leaves the door open for repentance, trust, and renewed relationship. [35:24]
• 5. Grace releases control over outcomes Jesus calls people to make faithful attempts toward peace without taking responsibility for another person’s response. No one can force repentance, restore trust instantly, or control another heart. Love speaks clearly, stands firmly in grace, and lets God hold what cannot be managed.
  
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Youtube Chapters

• [00:00] - Welcome
• [24:50] - Conflict and the Space of Grace
• [26:00] - The Lost Sheep and Sin
• [27:31] - God Pursues Both Sides
• [28:11] - Forgiveness Does Not Ignore Harm
• [30:21] - Accountability and Clear Boundaries
• [31:55] - Jesus’ Flow Chart for Conflict
• [33:39] - When Conflict Becomes Communal
• [34:48] - Gentiles and Tax Collectors
• [37:17] - Grace for Those Outside
• [38:35] - Releasing Control and Seeking Peace

Bible Reading

Matthew 18:15–20

15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” [24:57]

16 “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” [25:16]

17 “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” [25:30]

18 “Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” [25:44]

19 “Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” [25:57]

20 “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” [26:00]

Matthew 18:12–14

12 “What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray?” [26:05]

13 “And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray.” [26:20]

14 “So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.” [27:03]

Matthew 18:21–22

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” [28:16]

22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” [28:19]

Observation questions

1. What is the desired outcome of the first conversation in Matthew 18:15, and how does that goal shape the way a person should raise a concern? [32:10]
2. What changes in Jesus’ process when the person does not listen privately, and what role do the one or two others and then the church have? [33:39]
3. How does the lost sheep parable immediately before this teaching help the group notice both the reality of sin and God’s concern for the person who has gone astray? [27:29]
4. What actions of Jesus toward Gentiles, tax collectors, and rejected people help explain what “let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” does not mean? [37:17]

Interpretation questions

1. Jesus tells the harmed person to address sin rather than ignore it. How can a believer tell the difference between speaking truthfully about real harm and reacting mainly out of anger, hurt, or a desire to win? [28:42]
2. Why might Jesus begin with a private conversation instead of immediately involving other people? In what situations might privacy protect both truth and dignity?
3. Jesus’ steps create increasing distance and involve the community when reconciliation has not happened. How can boundaries serve forgiveness rather than become a way to punish or reject someone? [29:56]
4. If a person is treated as a Gentile or tax collector, what might it mean to keep the door of grace open while also recognizing that trust and closeness may need to change? [35:24]

Application questions

1. Is there a conflict in which you have avoided a needed conversation, perhaps by telling yourself that forgiveness means pretending the harm did not matter? What would a loving, honest first step look like? [28:31]
2. Have you ever been tempted to become a “doormat” by tolerating repeated wrongs or unsafe behavior? What boundary could help you act with both grace and wisdom? [29:17]
3. Think of a relationship where trust has been damaged. What would rebuilding trust slowly look like in practical terms, rather than expecting everything to return to normal immediately? [38:42]
4. When you need to confront someone, what helps you keep the goal of “gaining” that person rather than proving that you are right? [32:15]
5. Is there a situation too difficult, confusing, or unsafe to carry alone? Who are one or two mature and trustworthy people who could help bring discernment, support, and appropriate accountability? [34:10]
6. Where are you trying to control another person’s apology, repentance, or response? What might it look like to speak clearly, stand firmly in grace, and leave the outcome with God? [39:02]
7. God has pursued and forgiven each of us when we were lost. How does remembering God’s mercy toward you change the way you view someone who has hurt you? [40:02]