Influence Through Behavior: The Heart of Parenting
Summary
In today's discussion, we explored the profound impact of behavior over advice in shaping relationships, particularly within the family. Reflecting on our own experiences, we recognize that it was our parents' behavior, not their advice, that influenced whether we wanted to emulate them or even be around them as we grew older. This realization should prompt us to consider how our behavior as parents will similarly affect our children. Respect, which is foundational to influence, is cultivated through behavior. If we desire to maintain influence over our children as they grow, we must earn their respect through our actions.
We delved into the connection between marriage and parenting, highlighting the tension between reality and the ideal. Jesus exemplified navigating this tension by upholding the ideal while extending grace to those who fell short. This approach is crucial in parenting, where our behavior should reflect the love and patience that Jesus demonstrated. The New Testament, while not providing direct parenting advice, lays a foundation for behavior that influences parenting. Jesus' new covenant command to love others as He loved us is central to this.
The essence of parenting, as discussed, is embedded in Jesus' command to love selflessly. This love is patient and not pushy, requiring us to move at our children's pace rather than forcing them to match ours. This patience prevents the separation that can occur when we push our children too hard. The Apostle Paul emphasized this by advising fathers not to exasperate their children, highlighting the importance of maintaining a nurturing and understanding relationship.
Ultimately, the goal is to raise children who are secure and self-aware, capable of adjusting their pace to those they love. This requires us to prioritize our children's well-being over our reputations, fostering an environment where they feel valued and understood. As we navigate the challenges of parenting, let us strive to embody the patient, selfless love that Jesus modeled, ensuring that our children grow up in a home where they are cherished and respected.
Key Takeaways:
1. Behavior Over Advice: Our behavior, more than our advice, shapes our children's perception of us and influences their desire to emulate or be with us. Respect, which is crucial for influence, is earned through consistent, respectful behavior. [00:59]
2. Navigating Reality and Ideal: Jesus demonstrated how to uphold the ideal while extending grace to those who fall short. This balance is essential in parenting, where we must inspire our children toward ideals while supporting them in their realities. [02:52]
3. The Foundation of Love: Jesus' command to love others as He loved us is foundational for parenting. This love is patient and selfless, requiring us to prioritize our children's needs and pace over our own. [05:39]
4. Patience in Parenting: Love is patient, not pushy. It requires us to adjust our pace to our children's, preventing the separation that occurs when we push them too hard. This patience fosters a nurturing and understanding relationship. [19:15]
5. Raising Secure Children: The key to relational and professional success is self-awareness, which is nurtured in a secure home environment. By prioritizing our children's well-being over our reputations, we raise children who are secure and self-aware. [22:42]
Youtube Chapters:
- [00:00] - Welcome
- [00:12] - The Impact of Parental Behavior
- [00:59] - Behavior Determines Influence
- [01:49] - Parenting in the 21st Century
- [02:37] - Marriage and Parenting Connection
- [03:21] - Jesus' Approach to Ideals
- [04:25] - Biblical Examples of Parenting
- [05:07] - Jesus' New Covenant Command
- [06:09] - Selflessness in Parenting
- [07:18] - Conflict of Wills in Parenting
- [08:11] - Defining Moments in Parenting
- [09:42] - Prioritizing Values in Parenting
- [12:18] - A Memorable Moment with My Father
- [14:14] - Children as Welcome Additions
- [15:13] - The Secret of Parenting
- [17:14] - Love is Patient
- [19:58] - Avoiding Exasperation
- [22:28] - Self-Awareness and Success
- [23:12] - Guiding Children with Patience
- [27:59] - Questions for Reflection
Study Guide
Bible Study Discussion Guide
Bible Reading:
1. 1 Corinthians 13:4 - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
2. Ephesians 6:4 - "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
3. Luke 11:46 - "Jesus replied, 'And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.'"
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Observation Questions:
1. According to the sermon, what is the relationship between behavior and influence in parenting? How does this relate to the respect children have for their parents? [01:14]
2. How does the sermon describe Jesus' approach to balancing the ideal and reality, especially in the context of parenting? [02:52]
3. What does the sermon suggest is the core of Jesus' new covenant command, and how is it relevant to parenting? [05:39]
4. In the sermon, what specific advice does Paul give to fathers regarding their children, and why is it significant? [19:58]
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Interpretation Questions:
1. How might the concept of "love is patient" from 1 Corinthians 13:4 be applied to the daily challenges of parenting? What does this patience look like in practical terms? [19:15]
2. In what ways does the sermon suggest that Jesus' command to love others as He loved us can transform our approach to parenting? [06:09]
3. How does the sermon illustrate the potential consequences of prioritizing a parent's reputation over their child's well-being? What does this reveal about the values we hold? [09:23]
4. What does the sermon imply about the importance of self-awareness and emotional intelligence in raising secure children? How does this relate to the home environment? [22:42]
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Application Questions:
1. Reflect on your own upbringing. How did your parents' behavior influence your perception of them? How does this reflection impact your approach to parenting or relationships today? [00:28]
2. Consider a situation where you might be prioritizing your reputation over your child's needs. How can you shift your focus to better support your child's well-being? [09:23]
3. Identify a moment when you felt the tension between the ideal and reality in your parenting or relationships. How can you extend grace in these situations, as Jesus did? [02:52]
4. Think of a time when you may have exasperated your child or someone close to you. What steps can you take to foster a more nurturing and understanding relationship? [19:58]
5. How can you practice adjusting your pace to match that of your children or loved ones, as suggested in the sermon? What specific changes can you make this week to demonstrate patience? [19:15]
6. Reflect on the concept of self-awareness as a predictor of success. What actions can you take to create a home environment that nurtures self-awareness and emotional intelligence in your children? [22:42]
7. Consider the influence of your behavior on your children's desire to emulate you. What specific behaviors can you model to earn their respect and maintain influence as they grow? [01:14]
Devotional
Day 1: Behavior Shapes Influence
Our actions speak louder than our words, especially in the context of family relationships. Children are more likely to emulate the behavior they observe in their parents rather than the advice they are given. This understanding calls for a reflection on how our daily actions earn the respect of our children, which is crucial for maintaining influence over them as they grow. Respect is not automatically granted; it is cultivated through consistent, respectful behavior. As parents, we must be mindful of the example we set, knowing that our behavior can either draw our children closer or push them away. [00:59]
"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity." (1 Timothy 4:12, ESV)
Reflection: Think of a recent interaction with your child. How did your behavior in that moment reflect the values you wish to instill in them?
Day 2: Balancing Ideals with Grace
In parenting, there is often a tension between the ideal and the reality. Jesus exemplified how to navigate this tension by upholding the ideal while extending grace to those who fall short. This balance is essential in parenting, where we must inspire our children toward ideals while supporting them in their realities. By doing so, we create an environment where children feel encouraged to strive for their best without fear of judgment when they falter. This approach fosters a nurturing relationship that mirrors the grace and love Jesus showed. [02:52]
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin." (Hebrews 4:15, ESV)
Reflection: Consider a time when your child did not meet your expectations. How can you extend grace in a way that encourages growth and learning?
Day 3: Love as the Foundation
The essence of parenting is embedded in Jesus' command to love others as He loved us. This love is patient and selfless, requiring us to prioritize our children's needs and pace over our own. By embodying this love, we create a home environment where children feel valued and understood. This selfless love is not about pushing our children to meet our expectations but about walking alongside them at their pace, ensuring they feel supported and cherished. [05:39]
"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8, ESV)
Reflection: Reflect on your daily interactions with your children. How can you demonstrate a more patient and selfless love in your parenting today?
Day 4: Patience Prevents Separation
Love is patient, not pushy. It requires us to adjust our pace to our children's, preventing the separation that occurs when we push them too hard. This patience fosters a nurturing and understanding relationship, allowing children to grow in a secure environment. The Apostle Paul advised fathers not to exasperate their children, highlighting the importance of maintaining a nurturing and understanding relationship. By practicing patience, we ensure that our children feel supported and understood, rather than pressured and overwhelmed. [19:15]
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4, ESV)
Reflection: Identify a situation where you may have been pushy with your child. How can you approach this situation with more patience and understanding in the future?
Day 5: Raising Secure and Self-Aware Children
The key to relational and professional success is self-awareness, which is nurtured in a secure home environment. By prioritizing our children's well-being over our reputations, we raise children who are secure and self-aware. This requires us to create an environment where they feel valued and understood, allowing them to develop a strong sense of self. As parents, our goal is to raise children who are capable of adjusting their pace to those they love, fostering healthy relationships and a strong sense of self-worth. [22:42]
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6, ESV)
Reflection: How can you create a more secure and nurturing environment at home that fosters your child's self-awareness and confidence?
Quotes
Your parents' behavior, not their advice, not even their parenting skills, determined whether or not you want to be like them or with them. It was how they behaved towards you. It was how they behave toward each other. It was what they did. It wasn't what they required. Again, it was their behavior not their parenting skills that determine the trajectory of your relationship with your parents. [00:08:12]
Chances are, your behavior not your advice, will determine whether or not your children will want to be like you or whether or not they even like you. Your behavior will determine whether or not your children will want to be you or even be with you when they're enough to decide for themselves. I mean, that's a little scary, isn't it? [00:48:50]
Respect, this is important, respect creates influence. If there's no respect, there's no influence and also the same will be true with you and your children. If you want influence with your children later, and trust me, you will, you must maintain their respect now. And the way you maintain their respect is how you behave. [00:80:18]
He never dumbed down the truth to make people feel better. He pointed to an ideal. He inspired people toward an ideal, but at the same time, he never turned down the grace when people fell short of the ideal. Oddly enough, the people fell short of the ideal, they actually liked Jesus. They flocked to Jesus. [02:65:33]
Jesus was different. He pointed toward it, he inspired toward an ideal while helping people navigate what was right there in front of him, what was so real. In fact, his sandals were firmly planted in what was real, but he continually pointed to the ideal. As we said, last time, Jesus was all grace and he was all truth all the time. [03:37:97]
Following Jesus will make your life better and will make you better at life. And to the point of this series, following Jesus will make you a better parent because at the core of being a Jesus follower is an ethic of others first, an ethic of selflessness, and nothing, let's face it. Nothing surfaces our self-centeredness and our selfishness quicker and fiercer than raising another human being. [06:64:29]
Love is patient. Why did he have to start there, right? And how did he know? I mean, one of my worst habits when our kids were young, was I would say something like this to Sandra, I would say, "So you're going to be gone in the morning, so you're going to need me to babysit right?" And she'd say, "No, you don't babysit, you parent. You're the parent." [17:63:59]
Love chooses to move at the other person's pace rather than requiring that person to move at ours. And the reason this is so hard is because patients isn't natural, your natural pace is natural. But here's Paul's point. Since God moved at our pace, we are to do the same for others and we are to do the same for our children. [19:39:37]
The only specific thing Paul says to parents about parenting is pertain to this very dynamic, and he directs it to, no surprise, to fathers. In a different letter, here's what he writes. He says, "Fathers do not exasperate. Do not exasperate your children." Don't provoke them, don't stir them up. Don't insist on winning. Don't insist on outsmarting, out-talking. [19:88:20]
The number one predictor not just professional success, and again, as parents, sometimes we get really focused on that, but do you know what the number one predictor of both relational and professional success is? Self-awareness, which is the cousin of emotional intelligence, which results in personal security as opposed to insecurity. [22:48:18]
Love is patient. Love is not pushy. Love does not exasperate. Love doesn't drive a wedge. Love doesn't allow ego and reputation to dictate the tone or the pace of the relationship. Love picks up on someone else's natural pace and rhythm and adjust their pace and rhythm accordingly. And love, because of patience, maintains influence all along the way. [27:42:47]
What would it take, what would it look like to adjust your pace to theirs? That's what love, that's what the Jesus brand of love requires of you. It requires us to tame our pride. It requires us to protect our children rather than always trying to protect our reputations. [28:19:75]
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