Games We Play // The Honor Game

Most people enjoy games and competition, but competition becomes destructive when it migrates into relationships. Competition in families, workplaces, and communities often treats relationships as zero-sum: one winner and one loser. A list of common relational games exposes how people try to change, guess, guilt, blame, compare, shame, project motives, or replay family-of-origin patterns to get their way. Each of those tactics may produce a short-term victory, but those wins erode trust, intimacy, and the relationship itself.

The real win in any relationship lies in preserving and growing the bond—mutual satisfaction and mutual enjoyment. Paul reframes competition by introducing an opposing game: the honor game. Instead of jockeying for first place, choose to put the other person first. Paul commands devotion expressed as giving honor to one another and urges followers to do nothing from selfish ambition but to value others above themselves.

The honor game demands concrete choices. Treat people as if they deserve more honor than oneself, whether they objectively deserve it or not. Practicing this requires humility, intentional actions, and the willingness to lose petty battles for the sake of the relationship. Paul points to Christ as the model: though equal with God, Christ refused to exploit that status, emptied himself, and served others. That sacrificial posture reframes power, status, and influence as tools for others’ benefit rather than weapons for self-advancement.

When people adopt the honor game—at home, work, and in public life—the relational landscape changes. Difficult conversations still remain necessary, but the posture shifts from winning arguments to restoring connection. If neighbors, coworkers, and leaders consistently honored one another, communal life would look very different. The simple, practiced discipline of competing to honor others promises healthier marriages, families, workplaces, and neighborhoods; when everyone plays, everyone truly wins.

Key Takeaways

• 1. The win is the relationship Prioritizing a relational outcome reframes every disagreement. Winning an argument often secures a position but forfeits closeness, trust, and future cooperation. Choose long-term flourishing over short-term validation; guard the relationship as the true prize. [06:19]
• 2. Quit playing toxic relationship games Change attempts, guessing, guilt, blame, comparison, shame, and motive-assignment injure connection more than they fix behavior. Recognize these patterns as strategies for control rather than paths to flourishing. Stop rehearsing scripted wins and replace them with practices that restore dignity and mutuality. [07:41]
• 3. Play the honor game competitively Compete to put the other person first; treat honoring others as the sport to master. Honor operates as deliberate action—listening, timing, restraint, and public valuation—rather than mere sentiment. Make honoring a default habit that determines responses before conflict escalates. [16:49]
• 4. Value others above yourself Adopt humility as a practice, not merely an ideal. Seeing others as more valuable reshapes priorities, negotiations, and daily interactions; it converts power into service. This posture frees relationships from scoreboard thinking and cultivates mutual resilience. [19:55]

Youtube Chapters

• [00:00] - Welcome
• [00:52] - Games and competition explained
• [03:46] - Why competition harms relationships
• [04:05] - Competition at home: examples
• [06:19] - What counts as a win?
• [07:41] - Common relationship games listed
• [12:50] - Family-of-origin and motive assignment
• [15:46] - Transition to Paul’s teaching
• [16:49] - The honor game introduced
• [19:55] - Practice humility: value others
• [28:27] - Jesus’ example of self-emptying
• [32:21] - Everyone wins when honor plays
• [34:05] - Closing prayer and next steps

1. According to Romans 12:10, what are we commanded to do in our relationships with others?
2. What two attitudes does Philippians 2:3 instruct us to avoid?
3. What practical action does Philippians 2:4 encourage us to take in our interactions with others?
4. In the sermon, what are some examples given of "toxic relationship games" people play? [07:41]

1. What does it mean to "outdo one another in showing honor" in everyday relationships like marriage, parenting, or work?
2. How might "counting others more significant than yourselves" change the way we handle disagreements or conflicts?
3. Why is it difficult to avoid "selfish ambition" even in relationships where we claim to care about the other person?
4. How does Jesus’ example of humility and service challenge common cultural views about power and success? [28:27]

1. Where in your closest relationships (family, roommates, coworkers) do you most often try to "win" instead of prioritizing the relationship itself? What would it look like to change that pattern this week? [06:19]
2. Which of the toxic relationship games (guilt, blame, comparison, shame, etc.) do you find yourself using most often? What is one practical way you can replace that game with intentional honor? [07:41]
3. Think of someone you struggle to respect or value. How can you intentionally "out-honor" them this week through a specific action (listening, serving, affirming, etc.)? [31:19]
4. When was the last time you used your position, power, or resources to serve someone else rather than advance yourself? How can you make that a habit? [30:03]
5. What would it look like in your home or workplace if everyone competed to put others first? What’s one step you can take to model that? [17:10]
6. How does the truth that Jesus treated you as more important than Himself change your motivation to honor others—even when they don’t deserve it? [30:26]
7. What’s one relationship where you’ve been keeping score? How can you let go of the scoreboard and start fresh with the honor game? [19:55]