Finding Healing and Identity Through Christ's Love

Summary

Growing up as the youngest of five in a conservative Christian home, I always felt a sense of not belonging, especially after learning I was an unplanned child. My relationship with my father was distant for many years, and I found myself gravitating toward the world of women, seeking safety and acceptance. Early exposure to sexual abuse and pornography deeply wounded me and set me on a path of confusion and addiction, especially as I realized my attractions were not what I expected or wanted. The church environment I grew up in, though well-meaning, had no real answers for my struggles with sexuality. The advice I received—read the Bible more, pray more, memorize scripture—felt hollow and left me feeling more isolated and angry.

By the time I was nineteen, I had left Bible college, feeling rejected and hopeless, and eventually found a sense of belonging in the gay community. For the first time, I felt like I fit in and was wanted. Yet, even in that community, I sensed a deep emptiness. At twenty-three, after years of running and brokenness, I surrendered my life to God in a moment of desperation, offering Him the wreckage of my life. That was the beginning of genuine transformation—not just a religious label, but a true surrender to Christ.

The journey that followed was not instant or easy. While spiritual warfare was certainly a reality, the deeper issue was profound wounding and rejection that needed healing. God led me into a church that functioned more like a hospital than a social club—a place where broken people could find real help. Through counseling, small groups, and especially a men’s group, God began to rebuild what had been missing in my life. These men, though not experts, became instruments of God’s healing, helping me rediscover my identity as a man made in His image.

One of the most insidious struggles I faced was a deep root of self-pity—a form of inverted pride that kept me focused on my wounds and justified staying stuck in a victim mentality. True healing required repentance from this self-pity and a willingness to grow up into the man God called me to be. This journey of healing and maturity also opened the door to forgiveness, allowing me to release those who had hurt me and to step into the fullness of my calling as a husband, father, and follower of Christ.

Key Takeaways

- Early wounds and unmet needs can profoundly shape our sense of identity and belonging. When these wounds go unaddressed, they can lead us to seek acceptance and safety in places that ultimately cannot satisfy the deepest longings of our hearts. True healing begins when we bring these hidden hurts into the light of Christ’s love. [06:48]

- The church often struggles to address complex issues like sexuality, sometimes offering well-intentioned but inadequate solutions. Real transformation requires more than spiritual disciplines alone; it involves honest community, vulnerability, and a willingness to walk with others through their pain. God uses ordinary people in extraordinary ways when we are willing to journey together. [13:22]

- Spiritual warfare is real, but it is often intertwined with deep emotional and relational wounds. Deliverance is not just about casting out darkness, but also about inviting God into the broken places of our hearts and allowing Him to heal and restore us over time. The process is rarely instantaneous, but God is faithful to complete the work He begins. [16:10]

- Self-pity can be a subtle but powerful form of pride, keeping us trapped in a cycle of victimhood and self-focus. True freedom comes when we repent of this mindset, choosing instead to embrace our identity and responsibility as sons and daughters of God. Growth often requires us to leave behind the comfort of our wounds and step into maturity. [24:35]

- Forgiveness and release of those who have hurt us is both a fruit and a catalyst of healing. As we allow God to restore our sense of self and identity, we gain the strength to let go of bitterness and extend grace to others. This is not a quick or easy process, but it is essential for walking in the fullness of what God has for us. [25:10]

Youtube Chapters

[00:00] - Welcome
[00:18] - Childhood and Family Dynamics
[01:45] - Early Exposure to Sexual Abuse
[03:10] - Struggles with Identity and Belonging
[04:30] - Addiction and Confusion in Adolescence
[06:48] - Finding Acceptance in the Gay Community
[08:20] - The Emptiness of False Belonging
[09:45] - Surrendering to God at 23
[12:00] - The Reality of Spiritual Warfare
[13:22] - The Need for Healing, Not Just Prayer
[15:40] - The Role of a “Hospital Church”
[17:30] - The Power of Community and Men’s Groups
[20:10] - Rebuilding Masculinity and Identity
[22:00] - The Trap of Self-Pity
[24:35] - Repentance and Growth
[25:10] - Forgiveness and Moving Forward

Study Guide

Small Group Bible Study Guide: Healing, Identity, and Belonging

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### Bible Reading

1. Psalm 34:18
*The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.*

2. James 5:16
*Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.*

3. Romans 12:2
*Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.*

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### Observation Questions

1. According to the sermon, what were some of the early wounds and unmet needs that shaped the speaker’s sense of identity and belonging? [06:48]
2. What advice did the church give the speaker when he struggled with his sexuality, and how did it make him feel? [06:48]
3. What role did the men’s group and the “hospital church” play in the speaker’s journey of healing? [17:30]
4. How did the speaker describe the impact of self-pity on his life and growth? [24:35]

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### Interpretation Questions

1. Why might early wounds and unmet needs have such a powerful effect on a person’s sense of identity and belonging? How does Psalm 34:18 speak to this? [06:48]
2. The speaker said that spiritual disciplines alone (like Bible reading and prayer) were not enough for real transformation. Why do you think honest community and vulnerability are also necessary? [13:22]
3. In what ways can self-pity be a form of pride, as described in the sermon? How does this mindset keep someone stuck? [24:35]
4. How does forgiveness act as both a fruit and a catalyst of healing, according to the speaker’s story? [25:10]

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### Application Questions

1. The speaker found belonging in the wrong places before finding true acceptance in Christ. Are there places or relationships in your life where you have sought belonging or identity apart from God? What would it look like to bring those areas into the light of Christ’s love? [06:48]
2. When you have faced struggles or wounds, has the church been a place of healing for you, or has it sometimes fallen short? What could our group or church do to be more like a “hospital church” for those who are hurting? [17:30]
3. The speaker shared that self-pity kept him stuck in a victim mentality. Are there areas in your life where you find it hard to move past self-pity or a sense of being a victim? What would repentance and growth look like for you in those areas? [24:35]
4. The men’s group played a key role in the speaker’s healing, even though the men weren’t experts. Is there a group or relationship in your life where you could be more open about your struggles? What’s one step you could take toward greater vulnerability this week? [17:30]
5. Forgiveness was described as both a result and a step toward healing. Is there someone you need to forgive or release in order to move forward in your own healing? What’s holding you back, and how can you ask God for help in this process? [25:10]
6. The speaker talked about the need to “grow up” into the man God called him to be. What does spiritual maturity look like for you right now? Are there areas where you sense God calling you to take responsibility or step out of old patterns? [24:35]
7. Romans 12:2 talks about transformation by renewing the mind. What is one practical way you can renew your mind this week, especially in areas where you feel stuck or wounded?

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Closing Prayer Suggestion:
Invite the group to pray for one another, especially for areas of hidden hurt, the courage to be vulnerable, and the strength to forgive and grow.

Devotional

Day 1: Surrendering Your Life Fully to God
True transformation begins with genuine surrender, not just outward religious activity.
There can be a vast difference between going through the motions of faith and truly surrendering your life to God. Many people grow up in church, memorize scripture, and pray, yet never experience the deep change that comes from giving God full control. Surrender is not about seeking “fire insurance” or simply wanting relief from consequences, but about coming to the end of yourself and offering God whatever remains, trusting that He can redeem even the most broken places. When you reach the point of saying, “God, I don’t even know if you want what’s left of me, but if you do, you can have it,” you open the door to real relationship and transformation. [13:30]

Romans 12:1-2 (ESV)
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Reflection: Is there an area of your life you have been holding back from God, and what would it look like to truly surrender it to Him today?

Day 2: Healing Comes Through Community and Vulnerability
God often uses authentic community and relationships to bring deep healing.
Isolation and secrecy can keep wounds festering, but God’s design for healing often involves bringing struggles into the light within a safe, grace-filled community. When you allow others to walk alongside you—through counseling, small groups, or friendships—you open yourself to the support, accountability, and love that God provides through His people. Even if those around you don’t have all the answers, their willingness to journey with you can be a powerful tool in God’s hands to rebuild what was broken and restore your sense of identity and belonging. [19:50]

James 5:16 (ESV)
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Reflection: Who is one trusted person or group you can be more honest with about your struggles, inviting them to pray for and support you this week?

Day 3: The Power of Repenting from Self-Pity
Letting go of self-pity is essential for spiritual and emotional growth.
Self-pity can feel justified after seasons of pain, abuse, or rejection, but it ultimately keeps you trapped in a cycle of inward focus and prevents you from stepping into the fullness of who God created you to be. This “inverted pride” is a subtle form of self-centeredness that blinds you to God’s truth about your worth and identity. Repenting from self-pity is not about denying your wounds, but about refusing to let them define you, choosing instead to grow and mature in Christ. This decision opens the way for God to empower you to rise up, forgive, and embrace your calling. [24:35]

Philippians 3:13-14 (ESV)
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Reflection: In what area of your life do you find yourself stuck in self-pity, and how can you take a step today to move forward in faith and maturity?

Day 4: The Journey of Healing Is Ongoing and Multifaceted
Spiritual growth and healing are processes that involve both God’s power and our participation.
While there may be moments of breakthrough, the journey of healing from deep wounds and patterns is rarely instantaneous. God invites you to walk with Him through a process that includes spiritual warfare, prayer, and the ongoing work of inviting Him into every wounded place. This journey may involve setbacks and seasons where old struggles resurface, but God’s faithfulness remains. Healing is not just about a single prayer or event, but about continually allowing God to transform you, often through the support of others and the power of the Holy Spirit. [17:10]

2 Corinthians 3:18 (ESV)
And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

Reflection: What is one practical way you can invite God into an area of ongoing struggle or pain in your life this week?

Day 5: Forgiveness and Releasing Offenders
Forgiving those who have hurt you is a vital step toward freedom and wholeness.
Holding on to bitterness or a victim mentality can keep you bound to past wounds, but choosing to forgive and release your offenders is a powerful act of obedience and trust in God. Forgiveness does not mean excusing wrongs or denying pain, but it is a decision to let go of the right to retaliate and to entrust justice to God. As you forgive, you open yourself to deeper healing and the ability to step into your true identity as a beloved child of God, free to love and serve others. [25:30]

Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV)
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Reflection: Who is one person you need to begin forgiving, and what is one step you can take today to release them to God?

Quotes

I found out that I wasn't really planned for or wanted at the time that my mom found out she was pregnant at 42 and my dad was 44. And they thought they were done having kids. And so there was a disconnect there, particularly with my dad at that stage. And my dad and I developed a great relationship much, much later in life in my mid to late thirties and onward. And I'm so grateful that I'm his son and grateful for him. [00:03:19]

Growing up with him and growing up in a very rigid rules-based legalistic kind of background in church was pretty rough. And when I say that, it wasn't, it was your pretty typical conservative kind of church. [00:03:44]

Very early on, I was exposed by some older neighborhood boys who thought it'd be great fun to show a five or six-year-old me their dad's hardcore porn and just really fill my mind with that filth at such an early age and then some of their sexual behavior as well. And so that early sexualization, that -even that one instance of sexual abuse was very damaging and shifted the needle, you know, in terms of the trajectory of my life. [00:03:59]

I really marinated through my entire developmental years of childhood and adolescence in the world of the feminine. And also about puberty or so was very much addicted to pornography. There was no internet back then, but I managed to somehow get my hands on magazines here, there and everywhere and felt, realized at some point that I was more drawn to images of men than women. And that horrified me. [00:05:00]

I grew up in church. I don't remember a time I wasn't in church. So I knew about what God's word said about that issue. And, but the, but the church had no answers. I mean, even in trying to seek help and support from some, some good pastors, I mean, they were, they loved their people. They loved God. They wanted to serve him well. But when it came to issues of sexuality in general, uh, heterosexual stuff,But certainly LGBT, it was completely kind of anathema. They just didn't know what to do. [00:05:24]

The best advice I got was by a pastor who listened to me compassionately, but in the end simply said, well, Gary, here's what you need to do. You need to read your Bible more. You need to pray more. And you need to memorize scripture. And my heart just sank when he said that because I had stacks of memory verses, of verses committed to memory to try to battle these temptations and desires and all of that. And that wasn't working so great. [00:05:54]

I had been praying for years that God would take away these desires. And then I was reading my Bible. And so that really just kind of made me even more angry. [00:06:19]

I left there at 19 and felt like, God, I hate you and I hate your church. And I want nothing to do with any of this anymore. [00:06:48]

When I came out to my first, found my first bar, that first bar at 19 and felt like I'd finally found my people. So it was a really strong. So it was a really strong.a sense of finally my life makes sense finally i fit in somewhere finally i'm wanted and i belong and the enemy really used that as as a way of solidifying and tying me down and tying me into that community for quite a long time. [00:07:04]

But the lord got a hold of my life and i realized that i'd made a total wreck of my life and i my salvation prayer wasn't the neat romans road i'd prayed as a kid which had no impact on me because there was never surrender in any of it i just wanted fire insurance but finally at 23 years of age i was on the side of an interstate bawling my eyes out and just said god i don't even know if you want what's left of me i've made a wreck of my life but if you want it you can have it and boom that was my genuine experience of coming into the kingdom of god. [00:07:53]

I absolutely believe that the demonic realm looks for any access point into our lives. And so that that is something that spiritual warfare was certainly a part of this. But oftentimes these issues are dismissed, particularly LGBT, as is only being demonic. And of course, the thing I was really dealing with was a lot of profound and deep wounding that I had no idea of what to deal with, how to deal with those things. [00:09:29]

There was an aspect of spiritual warfare, but there was also, first of all, coming into the kingdom and having the power of the Holy Spirit to indwell and give me strength and to say no to the things that were very familiar. [00:09:55]

There was also God took me on a journey of this process of really inviting him into these many, many, many places of wounding and sense of rejection and self-hatred and envying of others, men in particular. And so there was a long journey around that healing of wounds that was very much a part of this. [00:10:09]

Prayer is an integral part of a Christian's life and breaking free of anything. But there's much more than just simply saying a prayer and poof, it's all gone. [00:10:33]

The Lord eventually brought me into a church and into a place that I refer to as a hospital church. It's not your typical kind of cultural Christianity church. It was a hospital church that wanted to roll up its sleeves and walk alongside broken people. [00:11:01]

It was there that I got involved in counseling. It was there that I got into a small group with men and women, couples mostly, some singles. And it's there that I also got into a men's group. And all three of those were huge. But the men's group was particularly necessary for the things I was dealing with in the rejection of my own gender and my own sense of.being a man made in the image of God. [00:11:15]

God used these guys in a way that they had no idea how they were being used. None of them had PhDs in human sexuality, but God used these guys to walk alongside of me and really re-father and rebuild in my mid-30s what had never been accessed by my own father or brought kind of to life by him through our relationship. [00:11:37]

Part of my deep, deep struggle, I wish that same-sex attraction had been my only big struggle, right? There's all kinds of things. But one of them that goes along with what you're asking, Anthony, is this deep root of self-pity, which blinded me to just how incredibly, it was a form of inverted pride. It wasn't the haughty kind of pride, but it was this feeling of being worthless. [00:24:35]

What I was doing is I was thinking about myself constantly, but in negative terms, this inverted kind of pride. I could not get myself out of thinking about myself. And this victim mentality was, and there was a, people do experience victimization, but we get to, we have to choose, are we going to own that title and wear it as some kind of protection or justification? Or are we going to break out of, in my case, this deep sense of self-pity and begin to grow up in my masculinity? [00:25:00]

There was a period of, of needing to grow. We're not just saying, snap your fingers, be done with it. But I had to make a decision at some point to repent.of this deep sense of self-pity and begin to this journey of growing in my masculinity so that i could rise up in that and actually the lord could empower me to become a father to become a husband to become a man made in his imageand a lot of what melissa just mentioned what i just said also ultimately leadsto the ability to forgive and release our offenders as well. [00:25:55]

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