Fighting Fair: Building Healthy Relationships
Summary
Today, we embarked on a new teaching series titled "Relationship Goals," focusing on the dynamics of relationships, particularly marriage. The essence of today's message is about learning to "Fight Fair." Conflict is inevitable in any relationship due to our human nature and sinfulness, but the key is not whether we fight, but how we fight. Healthy couples fight fair, while unhealthy ones resort to low blows and accusations. We explored James 1:19-20, which provides a framework for handling conflict: be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
The first rule for fighting fair is to stop and listen carefully. Often, in conflicts, we are quick to speak and slow to listen, which is contrary to what the Bible advises. Listening validates the other person's feelings and shows that you value them more than the issue at hand. The second rule is to guard your words faithfully. Words have power, and once spoken, they cannot be taken back. We must filter our words, asking ourselves if they should be said and if they should be said now. This helps prevent unnecessary hurt and keeps the focus on resolving the issue rather than winning the argument.
The third rule is to handle anger righteously. Anger in itself is not a sin, but it can lead to sin if not managed properly. We must not let the sun go down on our anger, as it gives the devil a foothold in our relationships. Instead, we should practice repentance, renouncing any negative spirits, and replacing them with the Spirit of God. This involves a conscious decision to let go of past grievances and focus on building a loving and supportive relationship.
For those facing more significant issues, such as addiction or infidelity, the solution lies in the presence of God. Change requires doing something different, like joining a support group or seeking mentorship from a godly couple. With God, all things are possible, and He can transform any relationship into a place of love and delight.
Key Takeaways:
- Listen Carefully: In conflicts, prioritize listening over speaking. This approach validates your partner's feelings and demonstrates that you value them more than the issue at hand. Listening carefully can transform the dynamics of a disagreement and foster understanding. [04:05]
- Guard Your Words: Words have the power to heal or hurt, and once spoken, they cannot be taken back. Use a filter to determine if what you want to say should be said and if it should be said now. This practice can prevent unnecessary pain and keep the focus on resolving the issue. [09:06]
- Handle Anger Righteously: Anger is not inherently sinful, but it can lead to sin if not managed properly. Avoid letting the sun go down on your anger, as it gives the devil a foothold in your relationship. Instead, practice repentance, renounce negative spirits, and replace them with the Spirit of God. [14:50]
- Seek Change Through God: For significant issues like addiction or infidelity, the solution lies in the presence of God. Change requires doing something different, such as joining a support group or seeking mentorship. With God, all things are possible, and He can transform any relationship. [25:35]
- Commit to Growth: If you continue doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting the same results. Commit to praying together, joining small groups, and seeking mentorship. This proactive approach can lead to healing and growth in your relationship. [26:43]
Youtube Chapters:
- [00:00] - Welcome
- [01:26] - Introduction to Relationship Goals
- [04:05] - The Importance of Listening
- [05:51] - Guarding Your Words
- [09:06] - Filtering Your Speech
- [10:37] - Rules for Communication
- [13:09] - Avoiding Destructive Language
- [14:50] - Managing Anger
- [18:44] - Repent, Renounce, Replace
- [21:31] - Addressing Major Issues
- [22:43] - Recognizing Critical Conditions
- [23:37] - Overcoming Stonewalling
- [25:35] - Seeking Healing and Wholeness
- [26:43] - Committing to Change
- [28:00] - Conclusion and Encouragement
Study Guide
Bible Study Discussion Guide: Relationship Goals - "Fight Fair"
Bible Reading:
- James 1:19-20
- Ephesians 4:26-27
- Proverbs 18:2
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Observation Questions:
1. According to James 1:19-20, what are the three key actions we should take when dealing with conflict? How do these actions contribute to a righteous life? [01:26]
2. In the sermon, what humorous example was given to illustrate the importance of listening in a relationship? How does this example highlight the common pitfalls in communication? [04:05]
3. What does the pastor suggest as a practical way to ensure
Devotional
Day 1: The Power of Listening in Conflict
In any relationship, conflicts are inevitable, but the way we handle them can make all the difference. One of the most crucial aspects of resolving conflicts is learning to listen carefully. Often, we are quick to speak and slow to listen, which can escalate tensions and misunderstandings. By prioritizing listening, we validate the other person's feelings and demonstrate that we value them more than the issue at hand. This approach can transform the dynamics of a disagreement and foster understanding. Listening is not just about hearing words but about being present and attentive to the emotions and concerns of the other person. [04:05]
James 1:19-20 (ESV): "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."
Reflection: Think of a recent conflict where you were quick to speak. How might the outcome have changed if you had prioritized listening? What steps can you take to be a better listener in future conflicts?
Day 2: The Weight of Words
Words have immense power in our relationships. They can heal or hurt, build up or tear down. Once spoken, words cannot be taken back, which is why it's essential to guard our words faithfully. Before speaking, we should filter our words, asking ourselves if they should be said and if they should be said now. This practice helps prevent unnecessary pain and keeps the focus on resolving the issue rather than winning the argument. By being mindful of our words, we can create a more loving and supportive environment in our relationships. [09:06]
Proverbs 12:18 (ESV): "There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
Reflection: Reflect on a time when your words caused hurt. How can you practice filtering your speech to ensure your words bring healing rather than harm?
Day 3: Righteous Anger Management
Anger is a natural emotion, but it can lead to sin if not managed properly. The Bible advises us not to let the sun go down on our anger, as it gives the devil a foothold in our relationships. Instead, we should handle anger righteously by practicing repentance, renouncing negative spirits, and replacing them with the Spirit of God. This involves a conscious decision to let go of past grievances and focus on building a loving and supportive relationship. By managing anger in a godly way, we can prevent it from causing further harm. [14:50]
Ephesians 4:26-27 (ESV): "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."
Reflection: Consider a situation where anger has affected your relationship. What steps can you take to manage your anger righteously and prevent it from causing further harm?
Day 4: Seeking Transformation Through God
For those facing significant issues like addiction or infidelity, the solution lies in the presence of God. Change requires doing something different, such as joining a support group or seeking mentorship from a godly couple. With God, all things are possible, and He can transform any relationship into a place of love and delight. By seeking God's guidance and support, we can find healing and wholeness in our relationships. [25:35]
2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV): "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
Reflection: Identify a significant issue in your relationship that needs transformation. How can you invite God's presence into this area and seek the necessary support for change?
Day 5: Committing to Growth
If you continue doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting the same results. To experience growth and healing in your relationship, it's essential to commit to change. This involves praying together, joining small groups, and seeking mentorship. By taking proactive steps, you can create an environment that fosters growth and strengthens your relationship. Committing to growth requires intentionality and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone. [26:43]
Philippians 3:13-14 (ESV): "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Reflection: What is one specific step you can take this week to commit to growth in your relationship? How can you involve your partner in this journey toward healing and strengthening your bond?
Quotes
Now we fight because we're human and human beings are sinful and our sin leads to conflict and conflict leads to arguments and fighting okay it's not if you fight it's about how you fight healthy couples fight fair unhealthy couples fight unfair low blows name calling accusations you know stuff like that and there's a there's a a marriage expert named Dr. John Gottman he writes a lot about this but he spent 16 years researching how couples fight and he said within five minutes he can tell you if you're fighting he can watch you and tell you within a 91 percent accuracy if you're going to fight you're going to fight you're going to fight you're going to fight you you're going to make it or where you whether or not you're going to divorce it's not if [00:01:26] (44 seconds)
Talk, argue, make a point, interrupt the point that the other person is making. We want to correct them in some way. And that's the opposite of what the Bible says. The Bible says we ought to do as a married couple. And in fact, it goes further in the Proverbs and says, a fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions. Now I got to be honest with you, that one hits me hard. [00:03:30] (27 seconds)
James said, be quick to listen and slow. Everybody say, slow to speak. Guard your words. Put a filter on your mouth. Don't just say the first thing that you're trying to say. Just yesterday, Leslie and I take our son to a basketball game, Saturday game. You know, I parked a car. We drove her car. She went on in. I stayed and kind of had a few minutes. I was actually studying my notes for today. And then I couldn't find the car key. It's her car. She's hidden the car key. You know, I don't want to leave it out there. I have looked everywhere imaginable. I can't lock the door. We'll be locked out. I got to leave the car there with the key for the thief to have easy access to our car. [00:05:51] (41 seconds)
Because maybe it's something to say, but it has nothing to do with, see what happens is sometimes when you're losing an argument, you've got something held back. Like it's your golden ticket to get out of an argument and you're just going to throw it in there. And it has nothing to do with what's going on. And what it proves is you're not fighting for the relationship. You're fighting for yourself. [00:09:06] (23 seconds)
You're just trying to win the argument. And that filter is, should this be said? Because a lot of thoughts you have should not be said. And a lot of thoughts that filter would help you just go, you know what? This doesn't need to be said in this moment. Maybe it's something that needs to be brought up. Maybe it's an important issue that you should talk about at a later date, but don't just throw it in there because you know, it's your winning argument. [00:09:29] (17 seconds)
And don't give the devil a what? A foothold. Don't go to bed rage and anger. This is that, you know, some of you are huffers, you know, and some of you give each other the silent treatment, just huffing around. You got to get up and go to the back. You get as old as me. You go to the bathroom a couple of times at night, you know, throw those covers over and huff your way to that bathroom, plop back down and throw those covers on. Just let them know you're not happy. [00:14:50] (29 seconds)
plan for marriage was a garden of Eden experience, a place of pleasure and delight where you love each other. And the older you get, the flabbier you get, the wrinklier you get, the uglier you get, the more you love each other. I'm just talking about the men, of course, the women, none of that happens to them. You love each other more and more and more. Does anybody know that God can do that in your marriage? You ever seen a turnaround? Just give God praise for it to let everybody know it can happen. I promise you, it can happen for you. [00:27:15] (32 seconds)
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