Fertilizing Your Marriage: Creativity, Appreciation, and Grace

Marriage, like a garden, requires intentional care, replenishment, and attention to thrive. Over time, it’s easy to slip into routines, take each other for granted, and let the vibrancy of the relationship fade. But God’s design for marriage is far richer—a covenant rooted in grace, selflessness, and security, reflecting the relationship between Christ and the church. Ephesians 5 calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, with sacrificial, nourishing, and cherishing love, and wives to respect their husbands. This is not a mere contract of mutual benefit, but a profound mystery—a gospel covenant that transforms both partners.

To keep a marriage flourishing, it’s essential to continually “fertilize” it with practical, intentional actions. Creativity is vital; the adventures and thoughtful gestures that marked the early days of a relationship shouldn’t be abandoned. Appreciation must be cultivated, recognizing and valuing the countless unseen efforts each partner makes. Physical touch, in all its forms, is a God-given means of deepening intimacy and bonding, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. Knowledge—truly knowing and understanding your spouse—requires ongoing study, attention, and prayerful pursuit, aiming to become an expert in loving them well. Friendship is foundational; shared activities, conversations, and laughter keep the relationship alive and joyful.

It’s also crucial to discern what truly matters, letting go of petty arguments and focusing on the “mountains” rather than the “molehills.” The heart of marriage is the gospel: grace, forgiveness, and a secure, unchanging love. Just as Christ’s love for us is steadfast and not based on our performance, so should our love for each other be. This security allows for honest conversations and vulnerability, knowing the relationship is anchored in covenant, not conditions.

No marriage is perfect, and all fall short of the high calling of Ephesians 5. But transformation comes not from more rules, but from the power of Jesus—His grace, forgiveness, and the work of the Spirit. As we come to the table, we ask God to feed the good and starve the bad, trusting Him to heal, restore, and make our marriages a testimony of His love to the world.

Key Takeaways

• 1. Intentional Replenishment is Essential Just as a garden becomes depleted without fertilizer, a marriage will lose its vitality if we continually take without giving back. Regularly investing creativity, appreciation, and effort into the relationship prevents it from becoming stagnant or resentful. This intentional replenishment is not optional; it’s the difference between “life is good” and “life was good.” [44:40]
• 2. Appreciation Guards Against Resentment Over time, it’s easy to overlook the daily sacrifices and contributions of a spouse, leading to feelings of being taken for granted. Practicing gratitude—by switching roles, writing out what your spouse does, or simply noticing—realigns our hearts and prevents one partner from carrying an unfair load. Appreciation is a powerful fertilizer that keeps love and respect alive. [53:18]
• 3. Physical Intimacy Reflects and Deepens Covenant Physical touch and intimacy are not just biological needs but spiritual and emotional bonds that God designed to strengthen marriage. The Bible’s teaching on mutuality and benevolence in intimacy was radically countercultural, elevating both partners and protecting the relationship from temptation. Intimacy is the culmination of nourishing, cherishing, and self-giving love, not its foundation. [60:44]
• 4. Knowledge and Friendship Sustain Long-Term Joy Knowing your spouse deeply—studying their heart, dreams, and needs—requires ongoing attention and humility. Friendship, shared activities, and meaningful conversations are not luxuries but necessities for a thriving marriage. Becoming an expert in your spouse and treating them as your closest friend keeps the relationship vibrant and enduring. [65:17]
• 5. Gospel Grace and Security are the Foundation Marriage is a gospel covenant, not a contract. Its foundation is grace, forgiveness, and an unchanging, secure love that mirrors Christ’s love for the church. This security allows for vulnerability, honest conversations, and the freedom to grow together, knowing that love is not conditional or fragile but anchored in the finished work of Jesus. [73:22]

Youtube Chapters

• [00:00] - Welcome
• [38:33] - Tonight’s Men’s Event: Lee Strobel
• [39:43] - Marriage Resources and Book Recommendations
• [41:42] - Prayer for Revival and Harvest
• [42:30] - Ephesians 5: The Call to Marital Love
• [44:40] - The Garden Metaphor: Fertilizing Your Marriage
• [45:50] - “Life is Good” vs. “Life Was Good”
• [47:17] - Fertilizer 1: Creativity in Marriage
• [49:41] - Fertilizer 2: Appreciation
• [54:41] - Fertilizer 3: Physical Touch and Intimacy
• [58:07] - The Radical Elevation of Women in the Gospel
• [64:40] - Fertilizer 4: Knowledge and Understanding
• [67:06] - Fertilizer 5: Friendship
• [68:16] - Fertilizer 6: Calm Down—Mountains vs. Molehills
• [70:54] - Gospel Covenant: Grace, Security, and Selflessness
• [76:33] - Communion: Feed the Good, Starve the Bad
• [82:29] - Prayer for Marriages and Closing

Bible Reading

Ephesians 5:25–33 (ESV) — 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
30 because we are members of his body.
31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Observation Questions

1. According to Ephesians 5:25–33, what are the specific ways husbands are called to love their wives? What is the one command given to wives?
2. The sermon uses the metaphor of a garden for marriage. What does the pastor say happens to a garden (or a marriage) if you keep taking from it without replenishing it? [[44:40]]
3. In the sermon, what are some of the “fertilizers” mentioned that help a marriage thrive? [[49:41]]
4. What does the pastor say is the difference between a contract and a covenant in marriage? [[01:10:54]]

Interpretation Questions

1. Why do you think Paul compares the love of a husband for his wife to Christ’s love for the church? What does this say about the depth and nature of marital love?
2. The pastor says, “If you’re not continuing to be creative and think about the next adventure and sow into that, it gets real boring. You go from ‘life is good’ to ‘life was good.’” What does this suggest about the role of intentionality in marriage? [[49:41]]
3. The sermon highlights appreciation as a “fertilizer” that guards against resentment. Why is it so easy to take a spouse for granted, and what are the consequences if this continues? [[53:18]]
4. The pastor says, “Marriage is a gospel covenant, not a contract. Its foundation is grace, forgiveness, and an unchanging, secure love that mirrors Christ’s love for the church.” How does this understanding of marriage change the way couples handle conflict and failure? [[01:10:54]]

Application Questions

1. The pastor shared a story about how the adventures and creativity of dating can fade in marriage. What is one creative or thoughtful thing you could do for your spouse (or, if single, for a close friend or family member) this week to “fertilize” your relationship? [[49:41]]
2. When was the last time you intentionally expressed appreciation for the unseen or everyday things your spouse (or someone close to you) does? What is one practical way you can show gratitude this week? [[53:18]]
3. The sermon talks about the importance of physical touch and intimacy, not just as a physical act but as a way to deepen emotional and spiritual connection. Are there ways you could be more intentional about healthy physical affection in your relationship? What might that look like for you? [[54:41]]
4. The pastor said he tries to “dwell with his wife according to knowledge,” aiming to become an expert in loving her well. What is one thing you could do to better understand your spouse’s (or close friend’s) needs, dreams, or love language? [[01:05:17]]
5. The sermon encourages couples to focus on “mountains” instead of “molehills.” Think about a recent disagreement or frustration in your relationship. Was it a mountain or a molehill? How could you handle similar situations differently in the future? [[01:08:16]]
6. The pastor described marriage as a secure, gospel-rooted covenant, not a fragile contract. Are there areas in your relationship where you struggle to feel secure or to offer security to your spouse? What steps could you take to build more trust and safety? [[01:13:22]]
7. The closing prayer asked God to “feed the good and starve the bad” in our marriages. What is one “good” thing you want to feed and one “bad” thing you want to starve in your relationship this month? [[01:16:33]]