Embracing Tough Love: The True Meaning of Love

Love is often thought of as something easy and natural, but real love is anything but simple. It’s not just about warm feelings or affection; it’s about choosing the good of the other, even when it’s hard. Sometimes, love means allowing others to experience the consequences of their actions, as my mother did when she made me return something I had stolen as a child. This kind of “tough love” is not about punishment, but about caring enough to help someone grow, even if it’s uncomfortable for both of you.

We are made for love, commanded to love, and yet, when we try to live this out, we quickly discover that love is demanding. Saint Paul reminds us that love fulfills the law, but the love he speaks of—agape—is not just a feeling, but a choice to will the good of another. This always involves sacrifice. Sometimes, tough love means giving someone what they truly need, not just what they want. Other times, it means speaking the hard truth, even when it would be easier to stay silent or avoid the person altogether.

Scripture gives us examples of this responsibility. Ezekiel is called to be a watchman, responsible for warning others when they are in danger. Jesus, too, tells us that our relationships give us the responsibility to speak up when someone needs to hear the truth. But how we speak matters. Saint Paul urges us to avoid all evil and malicious talk, to say only what will truly help others. This means avoiding unnecessary negatives—gossip, grumbling, complaining, and criticism—which are so easy to fall into.

Avoidance is a subtle enemy of love. Whether it’s sidestepping a hard conversation or stonewalling someone emotionally, when we avoid, we stop loving. True love requires us to engage, to listen, and to respond. Listening is often the first step—do we love someone enough to hear their side, to assume the best, to give a favorable interpretation? Only then can we speak words that are truly helpful, not just venting or complaining, but words that build up and heal.

Sometimes, love means being willing to speak the truth when asked, even if it’s uncomfortable. Whether it’s sharing the gospel or offering a word of correction, love compels us to act for the good of the other. If we don’t, who will? We owe nothing to anyone except to love them, even when it’s tough, even when it costs us something. That is the call and the challenge of real, tough love.

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Key Takeaways

• 1. Love Is a Choice That Costs Something Real love is not just a feeling or affection, but a deliberate choice to will the good of another, even when it’s difficult. This kind of love, agape, always involves sacrifice and sometimes means allowing others to face the consequences of their actions. True love is tough because it demands more than comfort—it demands our courage and our willingness to do what is right for the other. [04:16]
• 2. Our Roles and Relationships Give Us Responsibility Just as Ezekiel was called to be a watchman, our roles and relationships place on us the responsibility to speak up when someone needs to hear the truth. It’s not just prophets or leaders who are called to this; every relationship carries with it the duty to care enough to intervene when necessary. Avoiding this responsibility is not love—it’s neglect. [06:51]
• 3. Avoidance Is the Enemy of Love Whether it’s avoiding a hard conversation or emotionally stonewalling someone, avoidance is a subtle but powerful way we fail to love. When we avoid, we protect ourselves at the expense of the other, and over time, this erodes relationships and makes genuine love impossible. Love requires us to engage, even when it’s uncomfortable. [13:51]
• 4. Listening Is the First Step in Speaking the Truth Before we can say what someone needs to hear, we must first listen to them, seeking to understand their perspective and assuming the best. Saint Ignatius teaches us to give a favorable interpretation and, if needed, to ask for clarification before correcting. This approach ensures that our words are truly for the other’s good, not just an outlet for our own frustration. [19:36]
• 5. Love Means Speaking the Hard Truth When Needed Sometimes, love requires us to say what is difficult, whether it’s sharing the gospel or offering correction. This is not about venting or complaining, but about genuinely seeking the good of the other, even at the risk of discomfort or social awkwardness. If we truly love, we will not avoid these moments, but embrace them as opportunities to care deeply and authentically. [27:17]

Youtube Chapters

• [00:00] - Welcome
• [00:09] - Childhood Story: Learning Tough Love
• [02:25] - The Meaning of Tough Love
• [03:26] - Love as Sacrifice, Not Emotion
• [04:41] - What Tough Love Looks Like
• [05:12] - Speaking the Hard Truth
• [06:23] - Responsibility in Relationships
• [07:12] - How to Speak: Avoiding Malicious Talk
• [08:02] - The Trap of Negativity
• [10:13] - The Temptation to Avoid
• [11:34] - Stonewalling: The Silent Relationship Killer
• [13:51] - The Cost of Avoidance
• [15:41] - Personal Example: Avoiding Tension
• [17:35] - The Importance of Listening
• [19:36] - Assuming the Best: Saint Ignatius’ Wisdom
• [21:18] - Speaking for the Good of the Other
• [22:17] - Sharing Faith: The Penn Jillette Story
• [25:27] - Loving Enough to Speak When Asked
• [28:13] - The Challenge and Call of Tough Love

Bible Reading

Romans 13:8-10 (ESV) — > Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

Ezekiel 33:7-9 (ESV) — > “So you, son of man, I have made a watchman for the house of Israel. Whenever you hear a word from my mouth, you shall give them warning from me. If I say to the wicked, O wicked one, you shall surely die, and you do not speak to warn the wicked to turn from his way, that wicked person shall die in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at your hand. But if you warn the wicked to turn from his way, and he does not turn from his way, that person shall die in his iniquity, but you will have delivered your soul.”

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) — > Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Observation Questions

1. According to Romans 13, what does Paul say is the one thing we “owe” to others? How does he describe the fulfillment of the law? [03:03]
2. In Ezekiel 33, what is the responsibility of the “watchman,” and what are the consequences if he fails to speak up? [05:26]
3. What kind of speech does Paul tell us to avoid in Ephesians 4:29, and what should our words accomplish instead? [07:29]
4. The sermon gives examples of “tough love” from the speaker’s childhood and from relationships. What are some specific actions that were described as tough love? [01:27]

Interpretation Questions

1. The sermon says that “real love costs something” and always involves sacrifice. Why is it so hard to choose the good of another, especially when it means discomfort for ourselves? [04:16]
2. How does the role of a “watchman” in Ezekiel relate to our everyday relationships? What does it look like for a friend or family member to have a responsibility to speak up? [06:23]
3. The sermon warns that avoidance is a subtle enemy of love. Why do people tend to avoid hard conversations, and what are the long-term effects of this avoidance in relationships? [13:51]
4. Saint Paul urges us to avoid “unnecessary negatives” like gossip, grumbling, and criticism. Why do you think these are so easy to fall into, and how do they affect our ability to love others well? [08:02]

Application Questions

1. Think of a time when you avoided a hard conversation with someone you care about. What was the result? How might things have been different if you had chosen to engage instead of avoid? [10:13]
2. The sermon talks about “tough love” sometimes meaning letting someone experience the consequences of their actions. Is there someone in your life right now who needs this kind of love from you? What would it look like to care for them in this way? [01:27]
3. Are there relationships in your life where you tend to “stonewall” or emotionally withdraw instead of responding? What is one small step you could take this week to re-engage with that person? [13:51]
4. Before speaking a hard truth, the sermon encourages us to listen and assume the best about the other person. Is there someone you need to listen to more carefully before you speak? How can you practice this in a real situation this week? [19:36]
5. The sermon challenges us to avoid gossip, grumbling, and criticism. What is one practical way you can catch yourself and change your words when you’re tempted to speak negatively about someone? [08:02]
6. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt responsible to speak up for someone’s good, like the “watchman” in Ezekiel? How did you respond, and what did you learn from that experience? [06:23]
7. The speaker shared a story about being asked directly for his opinion and having to speak the truth in love. If someone asked you for honest feedback or about your faith, would you be ready to answer? What would help you be more prepared for that moment? [27:17]