Embracing the Covenant of Marriage: A Journey of Love
Summary
Marriage is a covenant relationship designed by God to bring healing, growth, and transformation to both partners. While our culture often treats marriage as a contract—something to be tried and discarded if it becomes difficult—God’s vision is far deeper and more enduring. The journey of marriage is not about finding a perfect partner or expecting our spouse to meet all our needs, but about learning to die to ourselves, to count the cost, and to embrace the sacrificial love that Jesus modeled for us. This love is not based on feelings or fleeting happiness, but on a commitment to put the other person first, to nurture, cherish, and help them become whole.
Every marriage will face seasons of disappointment, misunderstanding, and pain. These are not signs of failure, but opportunities for God to shape us, to reveal areas where we need healing, and to teach us how to love as He loves. The enemy will always try to exploit our hurts, tempt us to justify selfishness, or convince us that our situation is unique and hopeless. But God’s grace is sufficient, and He calls us to maintain a tenacity—a “saltiness”—that refuses to let go of Him or of each other, even when it’s hard.
Realistic expectations and biblical relationship skills are essential. We all bring quirks, wounds, and ignorance into marriage, but God uses the relationship itself as a means of healing. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church, laying down their lives and bringing healing through sacrificial love. Wives are called to respect and honor their husbands, which in turn releases love and security. This is not a 50/50 arrangement, but a 100% commitment from each partner, regardless of what the other is able to give in any season.
Ultimately, marriage is not about consuming or demanding, but about cultivating—partnering with God to help our spouse flourish. Even when things seem dry or broken, God is able to restore, heal, and bring new life. The key is to surrender our rights, assume our responsibilities, and trust God to do what only He can do in us and through us.
Key Takeaways
- Marriage as Covenant, Not Contract
Marriage is not a temporary agreement based on mutual benefit, but a covenant that requires sacrifice, permanence, and the willingness to die to self. Just as Jesus shed His blood to establish a new covenant with us, marriage calls us to lay down our rights and assume responsibilities, trusting that God will honor and sustain what we commit to Him. [22:12]
- The Power of Realistic Expectations and Biblical Skills
Unrealistic expectations and ignorance about ourselves and our spouse often lead to disappointment and conflict. Embracing biblical relationship skills—such as forgiveness, honest communication, and self-sacrifice—enables us to navigate differences and grow together. God uses the very challenges of marriage to heal our wounds and shape our character. [24:55]
- Healing Flows Through Sacrificial Love
Husbands and wives are uniquely anointed to bring healing to each other. When a husband loves sacrificially and a wife responds with respect and honor, both are transformed. This dynamic is not about waiting for the other to act first, but about each partner choosing to give 100%, trusting God to work through their obedience. [32:19]
- Guarding Against the Enemy’s Lies
The enemy seeks to sow seeds of discontent, comparison, and justification for selfishness. He attacks our thoughts and imaginations, trying to convince us that our situation is hopeless or that someone else would make us happier. We must take every thought captive, refuse to dwell on lies, and remember that God is committed to our marriage, even when it’s hard. [39:16]
- Becoming a Cultivator, Not a Consumer
A thriving marriage requires a mindset of cultivation—nurturing, cherishing, and helping our spouse grow—rather than consuming or demanding our needs be met. When we choose to be cultivators, we partner with God’s anointing to bring healing and wholeness, and our relationship becomes a testimony to His grace and power. [41:40]
Youtube Chapters
[00:00] - Welcome
[00:07] - Introduction: Addressing Marriage and Relationship Scenarios
[00:51] - Biblical Allowances for Divorce and Reconciliation
[02:38] - Separation, Singleness, and God’s Standards
[04:37] - No Temptation is Unique: God’s Grace in Struggle
[05:43] - Anxiety and Differences in Marriage
[06:10] - God’s Formula: Expectations and Skills
[07:27] - Counting the Cost: Jesus’ Call to Discipleship
[10:56] - The Cost of Following Jesus vs. Cultural Promises
[14:41] - Maintaining Saltiness: Tenacity in Marriage
[18:07] - Wedding Vows and the Reality of Sacrifice
[20:04] - Covenant vs. Contract: The True Nature of Marriage
[24:55] - Realistic Expectations and Healing in Marriage
[27:21] - God’s Design: Healing Through Each Other
[32:19] - 100% Commitment: Acting First in Love
[36:05] - Cultivator or Consumer: The Mindset of Marriage
[39:16] - Battling Thoughts and the Enemy’s Lies
[41:40] - The Anointing to Heal and Cherish
[43:14] - Disappointment, Hardness of Heart, and Hope
[45:18] - Fighting for Your Marriage and Embracing the Cross
[46:50] - Healing, Wholeness, and Moving Forward
[47:21] - Ministry Time and Prayer for Marriages
[51:13] - Closing Prayer and Blessing
Study Guide
Bible Study Discussion Guide: Marriage as Covenant, Not Contract
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### Bible Reading
- Matthew 5:32
"But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
- Luke 14:26-27, 33-34
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple... In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples. Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?”
- Ephesians 5:25-33
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word... each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
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### Observation Questions
1. In Matthew 5:32, what exception does Jesus give for divorce, and what does he say about remarriage?
2. According to Luke 14:26-27, what does Jesus say is required to be his disciple, and how does this relate to our closest relationships?
3. In Ephesians 5:25-33, what are the specific instructions given to husbands and wives?
4. The sermon described marriage as a covenant, not a contract. What is the difference between a covenant and a contract, according to the message? [[22:12]]
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### Interpretation Questions
1. Why do you think Jesus uses such strong language in Luke 14 about “hating” even family members to follow him? What does this mean for priorities in marriage? [[08:09]]
2. The sermon says marriage is a place where God brings healing and transformation, not just happiness. How does this perspective change the way someone might approach struggles in marriage? [[27:21]]
3. Ephesians 5 calls husbands to love sacrificially and wives to respect and honor. Why do you think Paul gives these particular instructions, and how do they work together to bring wholeness? [[28:07]]
4. The message warns about the enemy’s lies and the danger of wrong thinking in marriage. What are some examples of these lies, and how can they affect a relationship? [[39:16]]
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### Application Questions
1. The sermon challenges us to “count the cost” before entering marriage and to keep “saltiness” (tenacity) in hard times. What does “counting the cost” look like in your own relationship or in your expectations for marriage? [[10:56]]
2. When disappointment or pain comes in marriage, the message says these are opportunities for God to shape us. Can you share a time when a struggle in your relationship led to personal growth or healing? What helped you get through it? [[27:21]]
3. The idea of being a “cultivator” instead of a “consumer” in marriage is central to the sermon. In what ways do you tend to be a consumer, and what is one practical step you could take this week to be more of a cultivator in your relationship? [[36:05]]
4. The enemy often tries to convince us that our situation is unique or hopeless. Are there any thoughts or lies you have struggled with about your marriage or singleness? How can you take those thoughts captive and replace them with truth? [[39:16]]
5. The sermon says both partners are called to give 100%, not just 50/50. What does giving 100% look like for you right now, especially if you feel your spouse isn’t able to give as much? [[32:19]]
6. Ephesians 5 talks about sacrificial love and respect. What is one way you could show sacrificial love or respect to your spouse (or a close friend/family member) this week, even if it’s hard? [[28:07]]
7. If you are not married, what is one lesson from this message that you can apply to your other relationships or keep in mind for the future? [[05:43]]
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Closing Prayer Suggestion:
Invite the group to pray for marriages and relationships represented, asking God for grace to be cultivators, for healing where there is pain, and for the strength to love sacrificially as Christ loves us.
Devotional
Day 1: God’s Allowance and Grace in Marital Brokenness
God recognizes the pain of marital unfaithfulness and, while His heart is always for restoration and forgiveness, He makes allowance for the wounded spouse to move on if reconciliation is not possible. Yet, even in these moments, He calls each person to examine their own heart, to seek healing for what is broken within, and to be mindful of the spiritual battles that can arise in times of relational distance. The enemy often seeks to exploit our vulnerabilities, but God’s grace is available to bring strength, healing, and even miraculous restoration when both hearts are open. [01:43]
Matthew 5:32 (ESV)
"But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
Reflection: Is there a place of pain or disappointment in your relationships where you need to invite God’s healing and honestly ask Him to reveal what He wants to restore or change in you?
Day 2: Counting the Cost—Christ First in All Relationships
True discipleship and healthy relationships require putting Jesus above all else, even above spouse, family, and self. Jesus calls us to count the cost before following Him, to renounce our rights, and to die to our own way so that He can bring fullness and transformation into every area of our lives, including marriage. This means not letting culture or feelings dictate our actions, but instead, daily choosing to follow Christ’s example of sacrificial love and surrender. [10:26]
Luke 14:26-27, 33 (ESV)
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple... So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple."
Reflection: What is one area in your marriage or close relationships where you have been insisting on your own way, and what would it look like to surrender that to Jesus today?
Day 3: The Covenant of Marriage—Sacrifice, Not Contract
Marriage is designed by God as a covenant, not a contract; it is a permanent, sacrificial relationship where each person surrenders their rights and assumes responsibility for the other. Just as Jesus shed His blood to establish a new covenant with us, marriage requires a willingness to die to self so that the relationship can live and thrive. In a culture that treats marriage as disposable, God calls us to a deeper commitment, one that mirrors Christ’s unwavering love and sacrifice for His people. [22:26]
Ephesians 5:25-27 (ESV)
"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish."
Reflection: In what ways can you intentionally lay down your own desires this week to serve and bless your spouse, reflecting the sacrificial love of Christ?
Day 4: Cultivating Healing and Wholeness in Each Other
God has given each spouse a unique anointing to bring healing and wholeness to the other, and marriage becomes a journey of mutual restoration when both are committed to God’s way. Rather than trying to change each other or focusing on flaws, God invites us to be cultivators—nourishing, cherishing, and helping our spouse grow, even when it requires patience and grace. This means choosing to be a healer, not a consumer, and recognizing that every act of love and respect is a seed sown for deeper intimacy and transformation. [36:05]
1 Corinthians 7:12-13 (ESV)
"To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him."
Reflection: How can you intentionally cultivate your spouse’s well-being today—through encouragement, prayer, or a practical act of service—rather than focusing on what you wish they would change?
Day 5: Tenacity and Saltiness—Persevering in God’s Way
To experience the fullness God intends for marriage, there must be a tenacity—a “saltiness”—that refuses to give up, even when things are hard or don’t make sense. Jesus warns that without this determination to hold on to Him and do things His way, we risk losing the very flavor and vitality He wants to bring into our lives. Maintaining this spiritual “saltiness” means choosing to forgive, to fight for unity, and to keep seeking God’s grace, trusting that He can bring new hope and transformation no matter where you are in your journey. [15:19]
Colossians 4:6 (ESV)
"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."
Reflection: Where do you need to ask God for renewed tenacity and grace to persevere in your marriage or relationships, and what is one step you can take today to “stay salty” in your walk with Him?
Quotes
You can have 100% success in your marriage if you'll do it God's way you can if two people are committed to God's way I promise you you can have success in fact though it's rampant in our culture today God's word does not really provide for irreconcilable differences for divorce for two Believers it's not something that falls in that camp but here's two things that God uh part of God's formula for us I think for a successful marriage number one it is realistic expectations and number two biblical relationship skills. [00:06:12]
When you enter into a marriage and I understand that even here this morning we're going to have people who have gone through things they can't undo or maybe in the middle of something where they you know the other person seems to be pulling all the levers I understand that but I want to encourage not to just tune me out and think this morning that way you don't understand believe me I've seen it all and as I shared last week we all have times of Temptation and struggle as well. [00:06:48]
If you will enter into your marriage relationship with realistic expectations and as a follower of Jesus Christ if you will learn some basic biblical skills that the Lord will show you as you walk with him then you can have success and you can be optimistic about your marriage relationship. [00:07:11]
Jesus takes advantage of that moment and just the visual lesson here of all these people following him Luke says as somewhere along the way Jesus stops he turns around and he says this to them he says in verse 26 anyone who wants to be my follower Must Love Me far more than he does his own father mother wife children brothers or sisters yes even more than his own life otherwise he cannot be my disciple and no one can be my disciple who does not carry his own cross and follow me. [00:07:50]
You see Jesus knew that there was going to come a time where he was going to the cross and he knew that not only the crowd but those closest to him would actually Flee for their lives so he's saying people you can believe in me you can appreciate my presence being in my presence all these wonderful things that you do that you see but I'm telling you right now you will not follow me into the ears where I want to bring real transformation in your life unless you got your own cross and you learn how to die to yourself. [00:08:29]
If you're going to follow me it is going to cost you everything your culture says is your right to have it's going to cost you and most times it's going to be painful now why does Jesus do that I think number one he does it because he just speaks the truth he just tells us what it's going to cost figure it out if you want to follow me then let's go but also as most of us have probably realized the devil does the opposite the devil will always over prom promise and underd deliver. [00:10:59]
The devil will always Focus you on your wants your feelings your rights and then when you begin to act on those feelings those things that he focuses on what does he do he comes and pulls the carpet up from under you he comes and tears your heart open he comes and hurts you and disappoints you and as I was meditating on this passage I thought you know this is really the issue with marriage. [00:11:34]
If you're going to follow me you got to understand I want to bring you into a fullness of life I want to bring fullness into every aspect of your life and relationships your marriage your parenting your Finance doesn't matter my word speaks to all of those things I want to bring an abundance of life but you got to understand you're never going to enter or experience that abundance if you just do it your way if you just do it the way your culture says to do it. [00:12:07]
Marriage is a covenant relationship a covenant the word covenant means to cut now how many of us would say well we we understand that marriage requires sacrifice my lace is undone okay excuse my back but I'm going to trip there how many would say marriage is a sacrifice right of course it's a sacrifice but what we forget in the modern context you look in the Old Testament Whenever there was a sacrifice what happened the animal was cut to pieces and blood flowed that's what a covenant is blood flows. [00:20:00]
When God made Eve God very easily could have made Eve over the dust just like he did Adam but what did he do he puts Adam to sleep he cuts open his side doesn't go into detail but he cuts open his side takes OD a rib and makes Eve blood flows from Adam why because the marriage of Adam and Eve is a covenant relationship God is cutting a covenant with Adam and Eve and a covenant means a permanent sacrificial relationship. [00:20:42]
Because of the sacrifice that Jesus made for you and me that we have the Assurance of salvation we know he's not going to leave us he's not going to forsake us we know that our Salvation is a permanent relationship why because he paid the ultimate price he died to himself father not what I want but what you want and he brought salvation to us through his sacrifice that's why a covenant relationship is until death do us part. [00:22:00]
In a covenant I Surrender my rights I Surrender my rights and I assume responsibilities but in the contract I protect my rights and I limit my responsibilities I mean it's just a normal thing in our culture today people sign contracts all the time they get the benefits they get the car they get the home whatever but then when they don't want it anymore they expect to get out of the contract. [00:22:49]
Most of us are convinced that we're the normal one our spouse is strange our spouse needs to change it's true you know we have whether it's our political opinion Faith whatever it may be we all think that we're balanced everybody else is kind of out of whack and see where so many marriages go wrong is that we we marry the person who is opposite of us because we understand and we're attracted to the things they bring that we don't have so it's natural to be attracted to a different personality type. [00:25:26]
The beautiful thing about the marriage relationship is that when you do it God's way is that your marriage actually becomes a journey of healing we marry the person we're attracted to and then over time these unattractive you know characteristics begin in the surface and we get upset and yet the reality is for two people who are walking with the Lord is that every man can heal his wife and every woman can heal her husband that's what God has enabled us to do. [00:27:14]
Paul says in the same way I want you to understand men you have an anointing on your life if Jesus lives in you to actually bring help and healing and release to your wife and women if Jesus is in you you have an anointing on your life to bring help and healing into your husband's life and here's the key but you do not have to wait for the other person to act first before you act because this is a covenant relationship it's not 50/50 it is 100%. [00:32:24]
The enemy will bring up a thought I probably shouldn't say this but let's just be real the enemy will bring before my mind the face of somebody I dated before before I was married I know you never have that happened to you right whatever he's got to use why because he knows if he can control the way that I think then bit by bit he can begin to drive a wedge you see that's why the scripture says we are to bring every thought every imagination captive why because that's where the battle is it's in your imagination. [00:38:16]
Whether or not you married the person that God intended for you and you're not going to know until you see Jesus Anyway by then it won't matter so forget all the speculation but even if you think you married someone other than whom God intended that perfect person out there somewhere when you stood at an altar with that person and Maj your vows God says this is now the right person this is a covenant relationship and even if it's not the person God intended for you he might say look there might be more work to do but I am as committed to this relationship now that you've made this commitment before me as I would be to the ideal person I may have had for you. [00:39:40]
Our wedding day is not just receiving a life partner to meet our needs our wedding day is actually signing up for a lifetime of dealing with with that person's issues and helping them to heal and become whole the question I want to ask you this morning in your marriage are you a cultivator or are you a consumer Paul said we are to nourish and cherish one another. [00:44:01]
If you're a cultivator you're going to look at that and wonder okay how do I save that how do I nurture that how do I cherish this thing that I've bought but if you're a consumer then you're going to think I just got a bad tree I just need to go buy another tree do you see the difference I think the analogy is clear. [00:45:32]
If we forget everything else I want to encourage you to choose this morning to be a cultivator because you carry an anointing that God will use that he cannot use like anybody else an anointing to help and to heal your spouse and so I encourage us rather than rejecting each other and criticizing each other that we just come together and start to help each other out be on the same team recognize who the real enemy is. [00:49:11]
The primary cause of divorce usually is simply disappointment it's wrong expectations it's a lack of biblical skills Jesus said it this way he said it's due to the hardness of your heart now please understand me our hearts can become hard because of our own stubbornness and our own you know control but I've found most times that a heart becomes hard because it's been wounded so many times it's been cut and it's bled so many times that it just begins to scab over and the person begins to protect their heart they don't want to get wounded again but in doing that we lose our responsiveness to our spouse and also sometimes to the Lord. [00:52:15]
Most people who walk away from their marriage they don't want to walk away from their marriage they want to walk away from the pain they just just tired of fighting they're tired of feeling like it's not going to work we don't know where to turn or what to do Vanessa is my wife she's my friend and she's my healer I can say that this morning but I also have to say we've been through a lot in 38 years it hasn't always been easy but when you have the right thinking then you're problems don't have to threaten your marriage they don't have to break up your marriage. [00:53:19]
I believe God wants our problems to draw us closer he wants our problems to help us to love each other more to work together more to work through things together to face them together with his presence now I said the very beginning of the message if you have someone who's checked out or walked away whatever I understand that I'm not talking about that I'm talking about two people who in some measure or another profess of faith in the Lord. [00:54:04]
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