Embracing Sexual Harmony in Christian Marriage

 

Summary

In today's discussion, we delved into the complexities surrounding sexual harmony within marriage, a topic that research identifies as the leading cause of marital breakdowns in America. Despite the abundance of literature and resources available on improving sexual relationships, many couples still face significant challenges in this area. While sexual issues are often cited as the primary reason for marital discord, I believe there is a deeper, underlying issue that we'll explore in future sessions. However, given the concern this topic raises, it's crucial to address it now.

One of the significant challenges Christians face is transitioning from a life where premarital sex is forbidden to a marital context where it is not only allowed but encouraged. This shift can be difficult to navigate, especially when historical theological perspectives, like those of St. Augustine, have viewed sex primarily as a means for procreation rather than an expression of love and physical pleasure. However, Scripture does not support a negative view of the physical aspect of humanity. Instead, it emphasizes the sanctity and beauty of sexual intimacy within marriage.

The issues of impotency and frigidity, often misunderstood as absolutes, are more accurately seen as degrees of sexual paralysis. These problems are exacerbated by fear and guilt, which can paralyze individuals emotionally and physically. Fear of performance, physical harm, and discovery are common, and they can be alleviated through open communication and understanding between partners. Guilt, particularly from premarital sexual experiences, can also hinder marital intimacy. It's essential to address this guilt through genuine confession and seeking forgiveness from God, allowing for healing and restoration.

Ultimately, sexual intimacy in marriage should be an expression of love, free from the pressures of performance and societal expectations. By fostering a foundation of love and understanding, couples can overcome these challenges and experience the fullness of the marital relationship as God intended.

Key Takeaways:

1. Transitioning to Marital Intimacy: Christians often struggle with the transition from premarital abstinence to marital sexual freedom. Understanding that God commands and blesses sexual intimacy within marriage can help couples embrace this aspect of their relationship without guilt or confusion. [02:38]

2. Historical Perspectives on Sex: The views of theologians like St. Augustine, who saw sex primarily for procreation, contrast with the biblical affirmation of physical pleasure within marriage. Recognizing the value of both the physical and spiritual aspects of humanity is crucial for a balanced view of marital intimacy. [03:15]

3. Fear and Sexual Paralysis: Fear, whether of performance, physical harm, or discovery, can paralyze individuals in their sexual relationships. Open communication and a foundation of love can help alleviate these fears, allowing for a more fulfilling marital intimacy. [12:23]

4. Guilt and Marital Intimacy: Unresolved guilt from premarital sexual experiences can hinder marital intimacy. Genuine confession and seeking God's forgiveness can lead to healing and restoration, allowing couples to experience renewed intimacy. [25:35]

5. Sex as an Expression of Love: Sexual intimacy should be an expression of love, not a separate physical activity. By integrating love and sex, couples can overcome societal pressures and experience a deeper connection. [15:38]

Youtube Chapters:

- [00:00] - Welcome
- [00:43] - Introduction to Marital Challenges
- [01:26] - Underlying Issues Beyond Sex
- [01:57] - Christian Perspective on Sexual Transition
- [02:38] - Biblical Command for Marital Intimacy
- [03:15] - Historical Views on Sex
- [03:55] - Materialism vs. Spiritualism
- [04:33] - Physical and Spiritual Balance
- [05:17] - New Testament Teachings on Sex
- [06:37] - Early Christian Apologists
- [07:46] - Sanctity of Marital Intimacy
- [08:35] - Common Sexual Problems in Marriage
- [10:09] - Fear and Guilt in Sexual Paralysis
- [12:23] - Fear of Performance
- [15:38] - Sex as an Expression of Love
- [17:12] - Fear of Physical Harm
- [19:18] - Fear of Discovery
- [21:09] - Guilt and Marital Intimacy
- [25:35] - Seeking Forgiveness and Healing

Study Guide

Bible Study Discussion Guide

Bible Reading:

1. Genesis 2:24-25 (NIV) - "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."
2. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NIV) - "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
3. 1 John 4:18 (NIV) - "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

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Observation Questions:

1. According to the sermon, what is the number one reason given for marital breakdowns in America? How does the pastor view this reason? [01:26]

2. What historical perspective on sex does the sermon mention, and how does it contrast with the biblical view of marital intimacy? [03:15]

3. What are the two emotional experiences mentioned in the sermon that contribute to sexual paralysis in marriage? [11:30]

4. How does the sermon describe the transition Christians face regarding sexual intimacy from premarital to marital contexts? [01:57]

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Interpretation Questions:

1. How does the biblical view of marital intimacy in Genesis 2:24-25 relate to the idea of being "naked and unashamed" within marriage as discussed in the sermon? [07:46]

2. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Paul speaks about mutual authority over each other's bodies in marriage. How does this passage support the sermon’s emphasis on open communication and understanding between partners? [05:17]

3. The sermon mentions fear as a significant factor in sexual paralysis. How does 1 John 4:18's message about perfect love driving out fear apply to overcoming these fears in marital intimacy? [17:12]

4. The sermon discusses guilt from premarital sexual experiences. How does the concept of confession and seeking forgiveness from God, as mentioned in the sermon, align with biblical teachings on repentance and restoration? [26:09]

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Application Questions:

1. Reflect on your own understanding of marital intimacy. How has your perspective been shaped by cultural or historical views, and how does it align with the biblical perspective discussed in the sermon? [03:15]

2. The sermon emphasizes the importance of open communication in alleviating fears related to sexual intimacy. What steps can you take to improve communication with your spouse about fears or concerns in your relationship? [12:23]

3. Consider any unresolved guilt you may carry from past experiences. How can you seek genuine forgiveness and healing, as suggested in the sermon, to improve your current or future marital intimacy? [25:35]

4. The sermon highlights the transition from premarital abstinence to marital sexual freedom. How can you or your community support couples in navigating this transition in a healthy and biblical way? [01:57]

5. Fear of performance is a common issue in marital intimacy. How can you work towards creating a loving and supportive environment with your spouse that reduces this pressure? [14:54]

6. The sermon discusses the fear of physical harm in relationships. How can you ensure that your relationship is a safe space for both partners, and what steps can you take if this is a concern? [17:54]

7. Reflect on the role of love as an expression in your marital intimacy. How can you integrate love more fully into this aspect of your relationship, moving beyond societal pressures and expectations? [15:38]

Devotional

Day 1: Embracing Marital Intimacy as a Divine Gift
Understanding the transition from premarital abstinence to marital sexual freedom can be challenging for many Christians. The shift from viewing sex as forbidden to seeing it as a blessed part of marriage requires a change in mindset. God commands and blesses sexual intimacy within marriage, and recognizing this can help couples embrace this aspect of their relationship without guilt or confusion. By acknowledging that sexual intimacy is a divine gift meant to strengthen the marital bond, couples can begin to experience the fullness of their relationship as God intended. [02:38]

"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous." (Hebrews 13:4, ESV)

Reflection: How can you and your spouse actively embrace and celebrate the gift of sexual intimacy in your marriage today?


Day 2: Balancing Historical Perspectives with Biblical Truth
Throughout history, theologians like St. Augustine have viewed sex primarily as a means for procreation, often neglecting the biblical affirmation of physical pleasure within marriage. This perspective can create confusion and guilt for couples trying to balance spiritual and physical aspects of their relationship. Recognizing the value of both the physical and spiritual dimensions of humanity is crucial for a balanced view of marital intimacy. By aligning with biblical truth, couples can appreciate the sanctity and beauty of sexual intimacy as an expression of love and unity. [03:15]

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24, ESV)

Reflection: In what ways can you and your spouse cultivate a balanced view of physical and spiritual intimacy in your marriage?


Day 3: Overcoming Fear in Marital Intimacy
Fear can be a significant barrier to fulfilling sexual relationships within marriage. Whether it's fear of performance, physical harm, or discovery, these anxieties can paralyze individuals emotionally and physically. Open communication and a foundation of love are essential in alleviating these fears, allowing couples to experience a more fulfilling marital intimacy. By addressing these fears together, couples can build a stronger, more trusting relationship that honors God. [12:23]

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." (1 John 4:18, ESV)

Reflection: What specific fears do you need to address with your spouse to enhance your marital intimacy, and how can you begin that conversation today?


Day 4: Healing from Guilt to Renew Marital Intimacy
Unresolved guilt from premarital sexual experiences can hinder marital intimacy. This guilt can create emotional barriers that prevent couples from experiencing the fullness of their relationship. Genuine confession and seeking God's forgiveness are essential steps toward healing and restoration. By allowing God's grace to renew their hearts, couples can experience a deeper, more intimate connection free from the burdens of past mistakes. [25:35]

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9, ESV)

Reflection: Is there any past guilt you need to confess to God or your spouse to experience healing and renewed intimacy in your marriage?


Day 5: Integrating Love and Sexual Intimacy
Sexual intimacy should be an expression of love, not a separate physical activity. By integrating love and sex, couples can overcome societal pressures and experience a deeper connection. This integration allows for a more holistic approach to marital intimacy, where love and physical connection are intertwined. By focusing on love as the foundation of their relationship, couples can experience the fullness of the marital bond as God intended. [15:38]

"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord." (Song of Solomon 8:6, ESV)

Reflection: How can you and your spouse intentionally integrate love and sexual intimacy to strengthen your marital bond today?

Quotes

"We're going to discuss the problem that the research indicates is the number one reason that people give for the breakdown and break-up of marriages; and as I'm sure you can guess, the number one problem listed in America for struggles and the dissolving of marriages in the United States is this: sex -- lack of harmony, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, and adjustment in the sexual dimensions of marriage." [00:00:10]

"One of the biggest problems, of course, that we face in adjusting to the sexual dimension of marriage, particularly as Christians, is making the transition from living in a life situation all the way up until marriage where God says, 'No,' and then all of a sudden we're expected to enter into a relationship where that which was once forbidden is now not only allowed, but in biblical categories, is commanded." [00:02:02]

"Now the church has struggled for centuries with that dimension. Just last week, for example, I was reading an essay from the great theologian, St. Augustine, who is one of my all-time favorite writers and theologians, and in this particular essay he was making the case that the only moral justification for marriage -- for sex relationships within marriage -- is with a specific view towards conceiving and bearing children; that is, Augustine saw no room within marriage and the marriage relationship for the enjoyment of sex as a physical bond involving physical pleasure between a husband and a wife." [00:02:48]

"We know what the sin of materialism is in this world, where people seek all of life and all of meaning through physical things -- through money, through food, through wine, women, and song, through the gratification of the body -- and we call that materialism. And we know that that is a distortion of the reality that God has made, and sometimes to counteract that we go to the other extreme and fall into the error of what may be called spiritualism, where the only thing that is of value is the spiritual dimension, the soul." [00:04:00]

"Now anytime I encounter a form of paralysis, I look right away for one of two things. There are two things in our emotional experiences that contribute again and again to all different kinds of paralyses, and they are -- I'll write them on the board -- fear and guilt, and these two, incidentally, are often very closely related. We say that someone is frozen with fear -- frozen with fear. He stops in his tracks. He can't move. He can't scream. He hesitates. Fear paralyzes, so we discover in sexual problems that there is a tremendous amount of fear entering into the Christian bedroom." [00:11:20]

"Well our sexual relationship is not for display. Nobody's keeping score. It is for the intimacy of the two people that are involved, and it is to be built upon a foundation of love; and that doesn't mean just an emotional feeling. That means a foundation where sex is not ripped out of the relationship to love, but sex becomes an expression of love. I hear people say, 'We had sex two times last week,' as if sex were something that were different from love. Sex was just simply a physical activity." [00:14:56]

"Fear of pregnancy is another major fear, and we could go on and list these fears that people have that inhibit them, but here is where we need communication, where the husband and the wife need to talk, where we need to express to each other what is it that you're afraid of? Are you afraid of something, and how can I help? I'm not going to help my wife by forcing her to do things that she is afraid of." [00:20:14]

"Now the second one is the one that almost no one talks about -- guilt. I'd like to express a pattern that I find familiar in marriage counseling. When I hear a man come into my office and say to me, you know, 'I want to divorce my wife. Our relationship has deteriorated, and she doesn't respond to me sexually and all of that,' I will ask this question straight out, straight from the shoulder. I'll say, 'Tell me, here in the privacy of the office, did you have sexual relationships with your wife before you were married?'" [00:20:47]

"So after they tell me this, that yes, they did have sexual involvement with their wife before they got married, I ask them this question: In your opinion, was your wife more responsive sexually or less responsive sexually before you were married? And their eyes light up, and they say, 'She was more responsive before we were married,' and he looks at me like I'm a voodoo witch doctor for knowing that. He says, 'How did you know that?' I say, 'I know it because I've heard it so many times, and that's why I'm asking the question.'" [00:22:06]

"What do you do in a case like that? Well again, we can get all kinds of therapy offered to us from the medical world, from secular counselors, and from ministers, and the usual therapy goes like this in our day and age: You have to understand that what you did before you got married was okay. Everybody does it. The Kinser Report, the Chapman Report indicates that the overwhelming majority of people do that, and since the overwhelming majority of people do that, that indicates that it's normal, and if it's normal, it's healthy." [00:24:22]

"I had a woman come to me who was about to get married. She had been engaged for a year or so; and she came, and she was very much distressed with guilt, and she said, 'What am I going to do?' She said, 'I feel so guilty.' She said, 'I've been having sexual relationships with my fiancé.' She said, 'And I went to see my minister, and my minister said to me, 'Look the way to get over this is to understand that the reason you feel guilty is that you've been a victim of this narrow, rigid, Victorian, Puritan culture with its taboos, and for -- you have to grow, mature, and understand that you're not promiscuous. You have just been a responsible adult.'" [00:24:58]

"So you're guilty, and the only thing I know that can cure you of that is not rationalization. You have real guilt, and if you're going to get healthy, you have to have real forgiveness, and the only way I know to get that is for you to go home by yourself on your knees and tell God what you've done and confess your sin; and God will forgive you of that. You understand that you can be a virgin again in God's sight?" [00:26:14]

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Transcript
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