Embracing Grace: The Power of Trying Softer

"so we're learning how to live one day at a time and do that with god and do that by just having one clear simple thought to take with us all through the day to anchor our lives and the one today is super memorable i promise you you will you will take it with you it's only two words and it will change your life it's kind of counter-intuitive tell you when i first heard about a long time ago i had taken a job at a church and i was going to be leading the church and i was trying so hard and i wanted to preach sermons that were inspiring and compelling and deep and that everybody would like and wanted to lead for everything i was worth and was reading all kinds of books on this and trying to cast vision and manage resources as and and supervise people and challenge and come in early and stay late and i was exhausted wasn't it also that was going very well somebody who'd been around the church for a long time came into my office closed the door and said john i can see you working really hard we all can see you're trying really really hard here's my advice for you try softer sometimes trying harder more strain more effort more work just begins to feel contrived and and not be effective anymore and you're not at your best you're not relaxed you're not natural if trying harder is not getting you where you want to go try softer i was taking me a long time to come to grips with those words it doesn't mean that trying is a bad thing being able to exercise effort is a glorious capacity god has given to us but if trying harder is not getting you where you want to go here's something you might try try softer instead of white knuckling teeth gritting clenched fist more effortful trying to be in control somebody said control is the master addiction and that kind of trying that doesn't do us good is when we are trying to control what we're actually not able to control" [00:09:36]

"ancient greeks talked about this there was a painter a palace and he was trying to paint the kind of foam that would come from a horse's mouth when a horse had been running and he tried and he tried and he tried everything every kind of breaststroke nothing worked finally he gave up and he threw the sponge that he would use to clean his paint brushes against the painting and he found to his amazement that that sponge created exactly what it was that he was trying to create with all of his effort that he could not do and when he quit trying so hard it happened and every one of us will know this experience in some area of our life if you've ever been involved in athletics then you'll know there's a moment where trying to hit a serve harder actually reaches a point of diminishing returns or in music trying harder to play the piece exactly right just doesn't cut it or when you're on a first date with somebody trying harder to impress them actually makes you less yourself or on a job interview so then try softer because uh what exhausts us is not effort the capacity for effort is a good thing what exhausts us is when we try to control what we are actually not able to control" [00:140:64]

"leslie farmer is a brilliant psychiatrist who wrote that we live in the age of disordered will and farber said when it comes to the will there are two arenas of life two realms there are objects that we are able to control directly by choosing there are acts that we can make happen by willing them but then there are goals there are trajectories there are outcomes that we would like to enter into and we cannot control them by our will we can will knowledge he said but not wisdom i can will going to bed but not going to sleep you ever try really really hard to go to sleep i can will eating but not hunger i can will bravado but not courage i can will lust but not love i can will religiosity but not faith william james noted over a century ago it's such a strange thing that there'll be certain endeavors like when there's a name that you're trying to remember and you can't remember and you try and try and try super hard and the harder you try the more frustrated you get and then when you give up it just comes to you it just comes when you try softer that's a picture of grace" [00:217:599]

"no one has ever spoken of this more powerfully than jesus did and one of the most compelling times was in the gospel of matthew in the 11th chapter he came to people who were exhausted from trying really hard religious leaders very often send a message to people of just try harder try harder try harder try harder to believe in god try harder to be more faithful try harder to be a better person and it kills the human spirit and so jesus says come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden and i will give you rest take my yoke on you and learn for me for i am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls for my yoke is easy and my burden is light such amazing words he says if you're tired if you labor and you're heavy laden come to me and i will give you rest take my yoke on you now that's very strange yolk is a an instrument of burden it's an instrument of work if you're tired he doesn't say i will give you a vacation a trip to vegas valium and he says i will give you a way to do work why because we were made to contribute we were made to engage with life that's a glorious and good thing to do but we were ourselves out with it in jesus day in particular a yoke was a word that rabbis would often use to describe their understanding their way to arrange your life around god's will and god's word there were all these commandments in israel and they were a great gift to israel but people had to try to figure out if you're not supposed to work on the sabbath what constitute work and one rabbi would have one idea and one would have another idea so that was a rabbi's yoke here's the thing everybody has a yoke because we all have to live we all have to find a way of doing life so dr phil has a yoke dr oz have a as a yoke dr ruth as a yoke i read an article years ago i think it was in the usa today that looked at if you took the advice of all the experts in different fields of life how much do experts in sleep say you're supposed to sleep each day and financial experts say you should spend on managing your finances each day and health experts say you should spend exercising each day and um vocational experts how much did you devote to your job and parenting experts how much you devote your to your children or to your marriage or to flossing your teeth and it ended up by the time you totaled it all together it was something like 36 hours a day like there's not that much time in a day everybody has a yoke the question is not whether or not you will have a yoke whose yoke will you choose and jesus says my yoke is easy because what he aims at is transformation from the inside where i learn to rely not on my own power but the power of god it begins with surrender the easy yoke i can't he can i think i'll let him your will be done and then something beautiful about his yoke for you to take into this day try softer try softer try ken softer a pastor friend of mine talks about how in jesus day uh carpenters of course were the ones that would construct a yoke and a good carpenter would go to a farm and now yoke is not something that i take on by myself a yoke was always created for a pair of oxen for two different animals and a good carpenter would know which animal was stronger which animal was more experienced which animal was able to bear more of the weight and sometimes with yoke you would even have different size hole depending on the size of the animal so that the stronger animal could bear the heavier weight jesus was a good carpenter you get in the yolk with him see that's the thing that's what makes his yoke easy i don't bear it on my own and neither do you he bears the heaviest weight and that's why i don't have to go through life with my teeth clenched and my brow furrowed and and my muscles all tensed up amazing things happen when you just relax what i love about the morning prayer from aa as it begins now god direct my thinking so that it's divorced from self-seeking dishonesty self-pity self-will and fear inspire my thoughts decisions and intuitions help me to relax and take it easy almost every morning when i say those words i think oh that's just what i need so today try softer when it comes to your relationship with god don't try harder to have more faith remember when i fainted twice real early on when i was preaching so many people would say just try harder to trust god you ever try harder to have more faith try softer just whatever amount of faith you have whatever you're feeling that's okay tell god today with your time don't try harder to get more done faster try softer you can't control time you can't control the traffic let's try softer today in your relationships instead of trying to manage and control everybody around you your friends your relatives your parents your kids your spouse your ex your whoever today let them be them let them worry about them try softer today at work instead of obsessing over that email that project that try softer that's the easy yoke that's your day-to-day one day at a time i'll see you tomorrow" [00:309:44]