A Cross in the Living Room - Pastor Phil

Faith begins in the place where life does not make sense. God can restore, and God can also ask His people to trust loved ones into His hands. God’s past providential leadings become the reason there is “nothing to fear for the future,” as long as His people do not forget the way He has carried them before.

Ephesians 5 brings the cross into the center of the home. Paul speaks first about love, then about being filled with the Spirit, and then about “submitting to one another in the fear of God.” Verse 21 becomes the foundation, because verse 22 is wildly misunderstood when mutual submission is skipped. Christ centered relationships do not begin with rulership, winning, or getting another person to change. They begin with the question, “How do I look like Jesus here?”

Paul calls marriage a great mystery because two different people, with different thinking patterns and different ways of operating, become one flesh. Genesis 2 shows that being joined together exposes selfishness and becomes part of God’s polishing work. Marriage is where self gets exposed. The desire to win, to be understood, to have preferences respected, and to make the other person change reveals the places where Christ still needs to recreate His character inside the heart.

Paul’s word to wives is submission “as to the Lord,” not bondage and not the erasing of conscience or individuality. Submission is safe only where Christ’s authority is being followed. A godly wife is not rebellious because she refuses to cooperate with destructive behavior. The wise woman builds her house with words, respect, humility, and Christlike strength.

Paul’s word to husbands is even longer and heavier: “Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” Christ does not lead by power trips, control, intimidation, or domination. Jesus leads by serving, washing feet, sacrificing, protecting, speaking truth, confronting evil, forgiving, and giving Himself. Headship is not a throne. It is a cross.

Self is the real enemy in marriage. Husbands may show it through harshness, anger, withdrawal, entitlement, or control. Wives may show it through contempt, manipulation, criticism, emotional punishment, or undermining. Christ calls each person to deny self, not to fix the spouse. Change becomes holy only when it is done for Jesus, because “the love of Christ compels.” When Christ is first, last, and best in everything, the home can become a little bit of heaven on earth.

##

---

Key Takeaways

• 1. Faith trusts God without answers. [38:09] God’s trustworthiness is not proven only when the desired outcome arrives. Faith becomes real when the heart can say that God is good even while the result is still hidden. A believer’s peace rests not in controlling the future, but in remembering the God who has carried the past. [38:09]
• 2. Mutual submission guards the home. [51:50] Ephesians 5 does not begin healthy marriage with control, but with Spirit filled people submitting “to one another in the fear of God.” This kind of yielding is not weakness, because it follows the mind of Christ, who humbled Himself to the cross. A home becomes safe when each person asks how Jesus should be seen in that moment. [51:50]
• 3. Headship is a cross. [01:11:55] Christlike leadership does not sit on a throne demanding its way. Jesus leads by taking a towel, washing feet, and giving Himself for people who have wounded Him. A husband’s strength becomes godly when it makes his wife feel safe, cherished, understood, and honored. [71:55]
• 4. Self is marriage’s real enemy. [01:14:29] Control, contempt, withdrawal, manipulation, criticism, and anger all grow from the same root. The problem is not merely a communication style or personality difference, but the old nature refusing the sovereignty of love. Christ calls each person to deny self before trying to diagnose someone else. [74:29]
• 5. Change must be for Jesus. [01:16:55] Selflessness can still be selfish if it is used as a strategy to force another person to change. True transformation happens when Christ becomes the reason for every surrender. Peace becomes possible even when the other person refuses change, because obedience rests in Jesus’ hands rather than another person’s response.
  
  ## [76:55]

Youtube Chapters

• [00:00] - Welcome
• [37:16] - Trusting God in Crisis
• [40:53] - Asking the Spirit for Balance
• [43:01] - Ephesians 5 and Relationships
• [47:24] - Christ at the Center of Home
• [48:25] - The Mystery of One Flesh
• [49:49] - Love, Spirit, and Submission
• [55:00] - Marriage Exposes Self
• [57:27] - No Plea for Rulership
• [60:38] - Wives Submit as to the Lord
• [64:22] - Husbands Love Like Christ
• [66:20] - Leadership That Serves
• [72:11] - Misusing Submission and Headship
• [74:29] - Self Is the Real Enemy
• [78:22] - Christ Makes the Home One

Bible Reading

Ephesians 5:22-33
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” [43:01]

Ephesians 5:21
“Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” [51:50]

Genesis 2:24
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” [56:52]

Mark 10:42-44
“And Jesus called them to him and said to them, ‘You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all.’” [01:06:20]

Observation questions

1. In Ephesians 5, what comes before the instructions to wives and husbands, and how does verse 21 shape the whole passage? [51:50]
2. In Genesis 2:24 and Ephesians 5:31-32, what repeated picture is used for marriage, and what makes that “one flesh” union a mystery?
3. According to Mark 10:42-44, how does Jesus contrast worldly leadership with godly leadership? [01:06:20]
4. In Ephesians 5:25-29, what words and actions describe how a husband is to love his wife, and what do those words show about Christ’s kind of love? [01:04:22]

Interpretation questions

1. If Ephesians 5:21 says believers are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, how should that affect the way verse 22 is understood? What problems happen when mutual submission is ignored? [57:43]
2. Paul says marriage points to “Christ and the church.” What does that reveal about the true purpose of marriage beyond companionship, romance, or personal happiness? [01:18:32]
3. If “headship is a cross” rather than a throne, what should leadership in the home look like in practice? What should it never look like? [01:12:01]
4. If self is the real enemy in marriage, how should that change the way a person thinks about conflict? Why is it often easier to focus on a spouse’s faults than on one’s own surrender to Christ? [01:14:29]

Application questions

1. Faith often begins where life does not make sense. Is there a situation right now where trusting God feels harder because there are no clear answers? What would it look like to place that person or situation into God’s hands instead of trying to control the outcome? [38:18]
2. Christ-centered relationships begin with the question, “How do I look like Jesus here?” In a recent conflict at home, at work, or in the family, what did the heart most want—to win, to be understood, to be respected, or to love well? How might that question reshape the next hard conversation? [58:36]
3. Marriage and close relationships expose self. Which signs of self tend to show up most easily—anger, withdrawal, entitlement, criticism, contempt, manipulation, silence, or something else? What usually brings that out? [55:13]
4. Submission and love are both unsafe when they are used to excuse destructive behavior. Are there places where healthy boundaries, honest truth, or refusal to cooperate with sin may be needed right now? How can that be done with courage and a Christlike spirit? [01:14:04]
5. Jesus leads by serving. For husbands, what is one concrete way strength could become safety, tenderness, or sacrifice this week? For wives, what is one concrete way respect, encouragement, or wise speech could help build the home this week? [01:10:24]
6. Change becomes holy only when it is done for Jesus, not as a strategy to force someone else to change. Where might obedience have quietly become a bargaining tool—“If I do this, maybe they will finally change”? What would it look like to obey Christ freely, even if the other person never responds as hoped? [01:16:55]
7. “Read your verse, not your spouse’s.” Is there a part of this passage that the heart naturally applies to someone else first? What would repentance and growth look like if the focus stayed on personal surrender to Christ? [01:19:40]