Confronting Darkness: The Power of Forgiveness and Amends

 

Summary

Reflecting on my journey of faith, I was reminded of the profound transformation that can occur when we confront our own darkness and sin. My early conversion at seven was sincere, yet it wasn't until my early twenties that I truly faced the depth of my sinfulness. This period of my life was marked by a crisis of identity, where I realized the facade I had been maintaining to appear more successful and put-together than I truly was. This realization led me to a second conversion, a deeper understanding of my need for God's grace and forgiveness.

In this journey, I was reminded of the importance of confession and making amends, as highlighted in James 5:16. This wasn't a process I was guided into by any formal program like the 12 Steps, but rather a spontaneous conviction to seek forgiveness from those I had wronged. This act of making amends was akin to Scrooge's transformation in "A Christmas Carol," where he sought to repair the relationships he had damaged.

The process of making amends is not just about seeking forgiveness but also about extending it. It's about recognizing the wrongs we've done to others and the wrongs done to us, and choosing to forgive and seek forgiveness. This dual focus is crucial for spiritual growth and healing. The acronym CRAFT—Calm, Recall, Apologize, Forgive, and Try—serves as a guide for repairing relationships. It emphasizes the importance of genuine apologies and the willingness to change our behavior.

In therapy and in life, the ability to say "I'm sorry" and mean it is a powerful tool for healing. It's not just about smoothing things over but about genuinely acknowledging our wrongs and being open to the reactions of those we've hurt. This openness and humility are what enable us to move past the stuckness and into a place of reconciliation and growth.

Key Takeaways:

- True transformation often requires a deep confrontation with our own sinfulness. It's not enough to maintain a facade of righteousness; we must be willing to face the darkness within us and seek God's grace to overcome it. [02:04]

- Making amends is a powerful step in spiritual growth. It involves not only seeking forgiveness from those we've wronged but also extending forgiveness to those who have wronged us. This dual focus is essential for healing and reconciliation. [06:25]

- Genuine apologies are more than just words; they require a heartfelt acknowledgment of our wrongs and a willingness to change. The CRAFT acronym—Calm, Recall, Apologize, Forgive, and Try—provides a framework for repairing relationships. [07:36]

- The ability to say "I'm sorry" and mean it is crucial for healthy relationships. It's not just about smoothing things over but about genuinely acknowledging our wrongs and being open to the reactions of those we've hurt. [12:13]

- Spiritual growth involves both recognizing the wrongs done to us and the wrongs we've done to others. By seeking and extending forgiveness, we open ourselves to God's healing and the possibility of reconciliation. [09:28]

Youtube Chapters:

[00:00] - Welcome
[01:16] - Early Conversion and Sin
[02:04] - Crisis of Identity
[02:43] - Second Conversion
[03:18] - Confronting Sin
[04:02] - Spontaneous Conviction
[04:47] - Making Amends
[05:36] - Forgiveness and Healing
[06:25] - Dual Focus of Forgiveness
[07:00] - CRAFT Framework
[08:25] - Genuine Apologies
[09:28] - Spiritual Growth and Reconciliation
[10:16] - Owning Emotions
[11:14] - Couples and Amends
[12:13] - Power of "I'm Sorry"
[13:22] - Steps Series and Resources

Study Guide

Bible Study Discussion Guide

Bible Reading:
1. James 5:16 - "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."
2. Matthew 5:23-24 - "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."

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Observation Questions:

1. What was the speaker's experience of a "second conversion," and how did it differ from their initial conversion at age seven? [02:43]

2. How does the speaker describe the process of making amends, and what personal example do they provide to illustrate this? [04:47]

3. What is the CRAFT acronym mentioned in the sermon, and what does each letter stand for in the context of repairing relationships? [07:00]

4. How does the speaker relate their personal journey to the transformation of Scrooge in "A Christmas Carol"? [04:47]

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Interpretation Questions:

1. How does the speaker's experience of confronting their own sinfulness relate to the biblical instruction in James 5:16 about confession and healing? [03:49]

2. In what ways does the speaker's story illustrate the importance of genuine apologies, as opposed to superficial ones, in the process of reconciliation? [07:36]

3. How does the dual focus on seeking and extending forgiveness contribute to spiritual growth, according to the speaker's journey and the biblical passages? [06:25]

4. What role does humility play in the speaker's process of making amends, and how is this reflected in the biblical teachings on reconciliation? [12:13]

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Application Questions:

1. Reflect on a time when you maintained a facade to appear more successful or put-together. How did this impact your relationships, and what steps can you take to be more authentic? [02:04]

2. Consider someone you may need to seek forgiveness from. What practical steps can you take this week to begin the process of making amends? [04:32]

3. Think about a relationship in your life that needs repair. How can you apply the CRAFT framework to address the issues and work towards reconciliation? [07:00]

4. Identify a situation where you have been wronged. How can you extend forgiveness to the person involved, and what might be the challenges in doing so? [06:25]

5. How can you cultivate the ability to say "I'm sorry" genuinely and from the heart in your daily interactions? What might be the impact on your relationships? [12:13]

6. Reflect on the concept of a "second conversion" in your own life. Have you experienced a moment of deep spiritual transformation, and how did it change your perspective on sin and grace? [02:43]

7. How can you ensure that your apologies are heartfelt and not just an attempt to smooth things over? What changes might you need to make in your approach to seeking forgiveness? [07:36]

Devotional

Day 1: Confronting Our Inner Darkness
Reflecting on the journey of faith, one must confront the darkness within to experience true transformation. This involves acknowledging the depth of one's sinfulness beyond the facade of righteousness. It is a humbling process that requires the courage to face one's shortcomings and the willingness to seek God's grace for overcoming them. This confrontation is not a one-time event but a continuous journey of self-awareness and spiritual growth. [02:04]

"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true)." - Ephesians 5:8-9

Reflection: What is one area of darkness in your life that you have been avoiding? How can you begin to bring it into the light today?


Day 2: The Power of Making Amends
Making amends is a crucial step in spiritual growth, involving both seeking forgiveness from those we've wronged and extending forgiveness to those who have wronged us. This dual focus is essential for healing and reconciliation, as it allows individuals to repair damaged relationships and move forward in their spiritual journey. The act of making amends is not just about saying sorry but about genuinely acknowledging one's wrongs and being open to change. [06:25]

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." - Matthew 5:23-24

Reflection: Is there someone you need to make amends with today? What steps can you take to begin this process of reconciliation?


Day 3: Genuine Apologies and the CRAFT Framework
Genuine apologies require more than just words; they demand a heartfelt acknowledgment of wrongs and a willingness to change. The CRAFT framework—Calm, Recall, Apologize, Forgive, and Try—provides a structured approach to repairing relationships. This framework emphasizes the importance of approaching apologies with sincerity and a commitment to change, fostering an environment of trust and healing. [07:36]

"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person." - Colossians 4:6

Reflection: Think of a recent conflict. How can you apply the CRAFT framework to offer a genuine apology and seek reconciliation?


Day 4: The Healing Power of "I'm Sorry"
The ability to say "I'm sorry" and mean it is crucial for healthy relationships. It involves genuinely acknowledging one's wrongs and being open to the reactions of those who have been hurt. This openness and humility enable individuals to move past the stuckness and into a place of reconciliation and growth. Saying "I'm sorry" is not just about smoothing things over but about fostering genuine healing and understanding. [12:13]

"Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." - James 5:16

Reflection: Who in your life needs to hear a sincere "I'm sorry" from you today? How can you approach them with humility and openness?


Day 5: Embracing Forgiveness for Spiritual Growth
Spiritual growth involves recognizing the wrongs done to us and the wrongs we've done to others. By seeking and extending forgiveness, individuals open themselves to God's healing and the possibility of reconciliation. This process is essential for moving forward in one's spiritual journey and experiencing the fullness of God's grace. Embracing forgiveness allows individuals to let go of past hurts and embrace a future of healing and growth. [09:28]

"Bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgive each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." - Colossians 3:13

Reflection: Is there someone you need to forgive today, or do you need to seek forgiveness from someone? How can you take a step towards healing and reconciliation in this relationship?

Quotes


In my early 20s when I was graduated from college and then thinking about going to grad school where I met you, John, I lived with this guy who was, um, you know, kind of willing to confront me about things and out of kind of the blue and out of these conversations I feel like I saw the darkness in myself and the sin in me in a way that I've never seen it before. I think I've always kind of compensated for things with drive and ambition and competition and that sort of thing. [00:01:37]

I was just hit so hard with the mix in my motivations and how I would, um, you know, put on a front to look more together and more successful than I really was and I had such a crisis I literally called like it feels like everybody I knew to apologize for the ways that I had been, uh, and the ways that I, like, basically postured myself as being more together than I really was. [00:02:09]

I think of it now as my second conversion, you know, where I really saw the mix in me of good and bad and the sin. I guess it was really, I don't like, you just quipped, I don't think I was able to confront my sin very deeply at 7 years old, but when I was, I was probably 23 years old. [00:03:12]

Jesus talked about it and saw it. James 5:16: confess your sins one to another and be healed. Did somebody tell you that you need to go to other people and make amends? You weren't doing the 12 Steps then. You weren't. I didn't even know about the 12 steps. I hadn't. I had a degree in Psychology but I didn't know that much about therapy and psychology at that point. [00:03:54]

I think the thing that reminded me the most of this was Scrooge, you know, at the very end of the Christmas carol he just tries to go make amends and be sorry for how he'd been in almost every relationship of his life and I had my little mini version of that as well and I think that's how the me, you know, just dealing with my own pain like you would say about yourself and so many people now that I've gotten to work with. [00:04:39]

When you think about what blocks us from God, from life, from growth, um, what's the relationship between the wrongs that others have done to me and how much, what kind of damage does that do as opposed to the wrongs that I have done to others and what kind of damage does that do? [00:05:36]

I think they both are two sides of a similar coin, you know, when I think of forgiveness I think it's, I probably would say equally important to think about asking others for forgiveness for the things that I've done and I also think extending forgiveness for the resentments and the bitterness that I have developed towards those that have injured me. [00:06:13]

You use the acronym CRAFT. Yeah, where the, if you want to repair relationship C is to calm yourself and C is to calm yourself and that's really important. If you're still flooded and agitated you're not going to have a very good repair experience. R is to recall what happened in an event that caused Rift in a relationship. A is for apology. [00:07:10]

You helped me to see, John, the difference between an oops apology, you called it, which is really I'm sorry you felt hurt by something that I did, but I don't really think I did anything wrong. And that's not insignificant. I think that's a valid form of apology, but you contrasted it with a heartfelt, genuine more of an I sinned against you. [00:07:34]

The F stands for forgive, both giving forgiveness, um, extending it as well as asking for forgiveness and then T, just to finish the acronym of CRAFT, was to try doing things a different way. Okay, now that we've done some repair work, um, how can we move forward in our relationship? [00:08:29]

When I think of that step eight and nine, I've been thinking all along with your steps book and these steps, um, uh, devotions that you've been doing is it's a little different than what I probably call the therapeutic culture which is generally about how people have hurt me or wounded me and this is a little harder hitting. [00:08:53]

The couples that are good at this and it's not just couples, it can be a parent and a child or siblings or that sort of thing, even in my office, the people who are good at it are very, very good at saying I'm sorry. You want to know how many times I've heard somebody say about a relationship they never say I'm sorry. [00:11:52]

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Transcript
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