Choosing Love Over Unselfishness: A Deeper Connection

 

Summary

In today's reflection, we explore the profound difference between aiming to be unselfish and aiming to love. While being unselfish is certainly better than being selfish, it is inherently a negative activity, focused on refraining from self-centered actions. Love, on the other hand, is a positive force, actively seeking the good of others. This distinction is crucial because aiming to avoid negative actions can often lead to unintended negative consequences, whereas aiming to do good leads us in the right direction.

This discussion is rooted in a deeper understanding of human nature. Richard Dawkins' "The Selfish Gene" suggests that nature rewards selfishness, reducing human existence to mere gene propagation. This perspective, often seen in secular views, contrasts sharply with the biblical understanding that we are created as persons to love, not just as biological organisms. The writings of C.S. Lewis, particularly in "The Screwtape Letters," highlight the danger of confusing unselfishness with true love. Lewis warns that the enchantment of unsatisfied desire can be mistaken for charity, leading to a superficial understanding of love.

The New Testament concept of love, or agape, as described in 1 Corinthians 13, is far more profound than mere unselfishness. Love is about actively pursuing the well-being of others, always protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering. It is not driven by temporary emotions but is a deliberate choice to bless others. The danger lies in mistaking the emotional high of falling in love for spiritual maturity, which can lead to disillusionment when emotions fade.

In relationships, aiming for unselfishness can lead to the "generous conflict illusion," where individuals act out of a sense of duty rather than genuine desire, resulting in resentment and conflict. Instead, we should aim for love, which involves understanding our desires and freely choosing to bless others without self-righteousness or martyrdom. We are not mere gene-propagating machines; we are created to love and be loved by God, and to pass that love onto others.

Key Takeaways:

- Aim for love, not just unselfishness. Love is a positive force that seeks the good of others, while unselfishness is a negative activity focused on refraining from self-centered actions. By aiming for love, we move in the right direction and avoid unintended negative consequences. [00:54]

- Human nature is more than biological instincts. Contrary to the idea that we exist merely to pass on our genes, the biblical understanding is that we are created as persons to love. This perspective challenges the reductionistic view of human existence as seen in secular perspectives. [02:38]

- True love is not driven by temporary emotions. The enchantment of falling in love can be mistaken for spiritual maturity, but true love, as described in 1 Corinthians 13, is a deliberate choice to bless others, not just an emotional high. [06:48]

- Avoid the "generous conflict illusion." Acting out of a sense of duty rather than genuine desire can lead to resentment and conflict in relationships. Instead, aim for love by understanding your desires and freely choosing to bless others. [09:06]

- We are created to love and be loved by God. We are not mere gene-propagating machines; we are made to love and pass that love onto others. Embrace this calling and seek to bring joy and blessing to others today. [11:51]

Youtube Chapters:

[00:00] - Welcome
[00:27] - The Aim of Love vs. Unselfishness
[01:30] - Understanding Human Nature
[02:38] - The Selfish Gene and Secular Perspectives
[03:22] - Freud's View on Civilization
[04:07] - The Concept of Memes
[05:01] - Biblical Understanding of Love
[05:16] - Screwtape's Insights on Love
[06:23] - The Nature of True Love
[07:16] - The Danger of Emotional Unselfishness
[08:10] - The Generous Conflict Illusion
[09:47] - The Abilene Paradox
[10:27] - Aiming for Love in Daily Life
[11:36] - Created to Love and Be Loved
[12:07] - Conclusion and Call to Action

Study Guide

Bible Study Discussion Guide

Bible Reading:
1. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
2. Matthew 22:37-39
3. John 15:12-13

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Observation Questions:

1. According to 1 Corinthians 13, what are some characteristics of love that differentiate it from mere unselfishness?
2. How does the sermon describe the difference between aiming to be unselfish and aiming to love? [00:27]
3. What does the sermon suggest about the secular view of human nature as presented in "The Selfish Gene"? [02:38]
4. How does C.S. Lewis, in "The Screwtape Letters," illustrate the danger of confusing unselfishness with true love? [05:16]

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Interpretation Questions:

1. In what ways does the biblical concept of love in 1 Corinthians 13 challenge the idea of love as merely an emotional high? [06:48]
2. How might the secular perspective of human nature as described in the sermon impact one's understanding of love and relationships? [02:38]
3. What are the potential consequences of mistaking the emotional enchantment of falling in love for spiritual maturity, as discussed in the sermon? [06:48]
4. How does the "generous conflict illusion" described in the sermon reveal the pitfalls of acting out of duty rather than genuine love? [09:06]

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Application Questions:

1. Reflect on a recent situation where you aimed to be unselfish. How might aiming for love have changed your actions or attitude in that situation? [00:27]
2. Consider the secular view of human nature as gene-propagating machines. How does this view affect your understanding of your purpose and relationships? [02:38]
3. Think of a time when you experienced the emotional high of falling in love. How did your actions change when those emotions faded, and what does this reveal about your understanding of love? [06:48]
4. Have you ever found yourself in a "generous conflict illusion," where you acted out of duty rather than genuine desire? How did it affect your relationships, and what could you do differently next time? [09:06]
5. Identify a relationship in your life where you tend to act out of a sense of duty. What steps can you take to shift your focus from duty to genuine love and blessing? [09:06]
6. How can you actively pursue the well-being of others in your daily life, as described in 1 Corinthians 13, without falling into the trap of self-righteousness or martyrdom? [11:20]
7. Reflect on your relationship with God. How can embracing the idea that you are created to love and be loved by God transform your interactions with others? [11:51]

Devotional

Day 1: Love as a Positive Force
Love is not merely the absence of selfishness; it is an active pursuit of the good of others. While unselfishness focuses on refraining from self-centered actions, love propels us to engage positively with those around us. This distinction is crucial because when we aim to avoid negative actions, we may inadvertently cause harm. In contrast, when we aim to do good, we align ourselves with a path that leads to genuine fulfillment and positive outcomes. Love, therefore, is a guiding force that directs us toward meaningful relationships and a life of purpose. [00:54]

"Let all that you do be done in love." (1 Corinthians 16:14, ESV)

Reflection: Think of a recent interaction where you chose to refrain from a negative action. How might you have actively pursued the good of the other person instead?


Day 2: Beyond Biological Instincts
Human nature is often reduced to biological instincts, as seen in secular perspectives like Richard Dawkins' "The Selfish Gene," which suggests that our primary purpose is gene propagation. However, the biblical understanding offers a richer view: we are created as persons to love. This perspective challenges the reductionistic view of human existence, emphasizing that we are more than mere biological organisms. We are called to love and be loved, reflecting the image of God in our relationships and actions. This understanding invites us to embrace our true nature and live out our calling to love others deeply and authentically. [02:38]

"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." (Galatians 5:13, ESV)

Reflection: In what ways have you allowed societal or biological narratives to shape your understanding of your purpose? How can you embrace the biblical call to love more fully today?


Day 3: The Depth of True Love
True love, as described in 1 Corinthians 13, transcends temporary emotions and is a deliberate choice to bless others. The enchantment of falling in love can often be mistaken for spiritual maturity, but true love is not driven by fleeting feelings. It is a commitment to protect, trust, hope, and persevere, regardless of circumstances. This understanding of love challenges us to move beyond the emotional highs and lows and to cultivate a love that is steadfast and enduring. By choosing to love in this way, we reflect the nature of God's love for us and grow in spiritual maturity. [06:48]

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8, ESV)

Reflection: Reflect on a relationship where emotions have faded. How can you choose to actively bless and love that person today, despite the absence of strong emotions?


Day 4: The Illusion of Generous Conflict
In relationships, aiming for unselfishness can lead to the "generous conflict illusion," where actions are driven by duty rather than genuine desire. This often results in resentment and conflict, as individuals feel trapped in a cycle of obligation. Instead, we are called to aim for love, which involves understanding our desires and freely choosing to bless others without self-righteousness or martyrdom. By doing so, we create relationships that are rooted in genuine care and mutual respect, rather than obligation and resentment. [09:06]

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3, ESV)

Reflection: Consider a situation where you acted out of duty rather than desire. How can you shift your approach to one of genuine love and care?


Day 5: Created to Love and Be Loved
We are not mere gene-propagating machines; we are created to love and be loved by God. This calling invites us to embrace our identity as beloved children of God and to pass that love onto others. By doing so, we fulfill our purpose and bring joy and blessing to those around us. This understanding challenges us to live intentionally, seeking opportunities to love and serve others in meaningful ways. As we embrace this calling, we reflect the love of God in our daily lives and contribute to a world that is more compassionate and loving. [11:51]

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." (1 John 4:7, ESV)

Reflection: How can you intentionally seek to love and be loved by God today? What practical steps can you take to pass that love onto others in your community?

Quotes


"make your primary aim to love those are two different things and c.s lewis one in this journey together passage to wisdom lewis writes in a number of different places about how in our day often the virtue of love or charity from the new testament has been replaced by the idea of being unselfish now it's not bad to be on self is way better to be unselfish than it is to be selfish but unselfishness by its nature is a negative activity" [00:19:40]

"i have a friend who knows a lot about golf and he says it's never good to have a negative aim like if you say on this shot i'm going to try really hard not to slice it to the right you may end up hooking it to the left when you avoid doing one bad thing there's lots of other bad things that you might do whereas when you aim at doing the one really good thing you'll be moving in the right direction" [01:07:76]

"45 years ago richard dawkins wrote a book called the selfish gene it was voted by the royal society the most influential science book ever and it has as its core an idea which is often present in our day in secular perspectives in what marilyn robinson calls darwinism she distinguishes between evolution the idea that organism species change that there is natural selection evolution with a smallie versus darwinism" [01:38:40]

"the idea in this selfish gene in other places very often is that nature itself rewards selfishness that we exist simply to pass on our genes that there is really nothing beyond that at the core of humanity or human nature that creation is kind of a machine and that it rewards the survival of the fittest and so then altruism is understood to be a kind of an add-on activity that can enable species to survive" [02:46:40]

"the understanding that the writers of scripture and of course jesus at its core gives of human nature is quite different is that we were created not simply as a bundle of instincts not simply to pass on our genes but we were made as persons to love so with all that by backdrop we get now to screwtape's letter to wormwood and the difference between unselfishness and love in this case wormwood's patient the human being" [04:53:19]

"the enchantment of unsatisfied desire produces results which the humans can be made to mistake for the results of charity avail yourself of the ambiguity in the word love let them think they have solved by love problems they have in fact only waived or postponed under the influence of enchantment the grand problem is that of unselfishness note once again the admirable work of our philological arm the study of language" [05:36:64]

"love always protects always trusts always hopes always persevere love never fails love is far different than just the avoidance of selfishness it is the act of pursuit of blessing now what happens and this is part of what old uncle screwtape understands here is that when we fall in love we are given a temporary emotional disposition to be unselfish and of course part of that is because i want to make sure the person" [06:18:72]

"the danger is i can think that it is a result of spiritual maturity and that it will be permanent and of course when that kind of hormone-driven roller coaster of falling in love wears off then i am left with my character now screw tip goes on uh when once a sort of official legal nominal unselfishness has been established as a rule a rule for keeping of which their emotional resources have died away" [06:59:19]

"the most delightful results follow in discussing any joint action becomes obligatory that a should argue in favor of be supposed wishes and against his own while b does the opposite it's often impossible to find out either person's real wishes with luck they end by doing something that neither wants to do while each feels a glow of self-righteousness and harbors a secret claim to preferential treatment for the unselfishness shown" [07:37:12]

"the game is best played with more than two players in a family with grown up children for example something quite trivial is proposed like he uses having tea in the garden that's too british so let's say going to the garlic festival in gilroy because nobody wants to do that one member makes it quite clear though not so many words that he would rather not but is of course prepared to do so out of unselfishness" [08:27:12]

"ask two questions today one what do i appreciate desire long for want when it comes to this moment what am i going to do what will i read what will i eat it's a good thing it's part of being a human being god gives us desires so to name them and to embrace them within the bounds of reason and humility is a good thing nobody enjoys being around somebody who when you ask them what do you want to eat" [10:36:48]

"we were made for that we are not little species propagating gene machines created by nature for the selfish purpose of just passing on whatever race we happen to be a part of we were made to love we were made to be loved by god pass that love onto others let's go for that today i'll see you tomorrow" [11:41:20]

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Transcript
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