Building Strong Relationships Through Honest Foundations

Here's what I want you to understand first and foremost today. Is that we cannot build godly relationships if we first don't deal with the junk. If you have a junk foundation, nothing can be built. If you have ever inspected a home or bought a home and had a home inspected, the first thing that the inspector does pretty quickly is look at the foundation. Because he knows that if the foundation isn't strong, then the whole house will be weak. So if the foundation is weak, you have to take out the rot and replace it. The first thing you have to do is rip out the rot. Right? [00:41:51]

What is Paul saying here? He's saying to have a good marriage, to have good relationships, to be a good Christian, you've got to deal with some stuff. You've got to rip some things out. Right? You need to rip it out, throw it in the trailer, and you need to haul it off the property. Don't be a hoarder and put it in the field and say you're going to use it later. Throw it away. Because all it's going to do is continue to rot. Right? We all have stuff. There's not a single person in this room that does not have stuff. [00:42:48]

Because there's some things there they haven't dealt with? And in our relationships, if we don't deal with the stuff that no one can see, the issues that no one knows we have, and we don't want to confront it or deal with it, we will have struggles in our marriages, in our relationships. Right? The secret porn habits. The private messages with people that aren't your spouse. The dating app you forgot to delete. I told you I'm going to get real with y 'all this morning. [00:43:50]

At the end of the day, we all have secret things in our life that if we don't deal with them, they will destroy our relationships and any hope we have of building successful marriages. And apart from marriages, it will separate us from God in our spiritual lives, and it will separate us to the point that we can't walk in who God has called us to be. The trash has to go. And you cannot step into the new man while hiding the old man under your bed. You can't do it. [00:45:11]

56 % of divorces involve somebody being obsessively interested in porn. Here's the reality. Research shows that pornography leads to trust issues, emotional disconnection, and dissatisfaction in relationships. And over time, an excessive consumption of it can alter expectations, weaken intimacy, and create barriers to genuine connection with your spouse. And porn doesn't start when you're married because you're lack of whatever. Studies show that three -quarters of teenagers admit to viewing pornography before the age of 17. [00:46:08]

What happens is that young, impressionable minds are impacted, and their mental health is impacted. And we grow up with unrealistic expectations of what a relationship looks like. And we bring that into our relationships from the beginning, and it creates rot. 56 % of people that will stand before a judge and sign their divorce papers has to do with pornography. 56%. Romans 3 .12 says, remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes. And put on the shining armor of right living. [00:47:04]

If your partner can't trust you, even with your mess, they're not the one for you. Hear me. Because we all have mess. We all have things. And if you cannot trust your spouse and they cannot trust you, then your marriage will always struggle. I'm going to be real as your pastor. I hid my addiction for years from my wife. Yes, your pastor had an addiction to pornography. I say it. Why? Because when I got freedom from it, I want to help others get freedom from it. Because here's the thing. It will destroy you. [00:48:35]

It will cause intimacy issues. It made my wife think for years that she wasn't good enough. And she didn't know why, because I hid it from her. She just knew I didn't want to have a relationship with her. And men and women alike, because there's no difference in who views it. Men and women are both viewing it all the time. It will create issues in your relationship. And it starts young. This world has wired it to start young. Right? I tried for years to kick it. I tried hard to get rid of it. I put software on my phone. I put software on my computer. But I found the loopholes every time to get around it. And it wasn't until I came clean about it. [00:49:56]

You can't fix what you're still hiding. What does that mean? It means you have to start being honest and open in your relationships. You have to. Well, pastor, I don't have an issue with porn. Great. What about the five maxed out credit cards and the $40 ,000 in debt? What about the shopping addiction? Right? We all have issues. Right? What about you not being able to communicate because what you saw displayed in your home was screaming and yelling and shutting down and not talking about it? [00:50:00]

What about the trust issues because someone else hurt you and now you put that on the other person in your relationship? It might not be porn, but all of us have things that we need to deal with in our relationships and we need to be able to communicate those things in our relationships. It doesn't have to be porn. It doesn't have to be porn. It doesn't have to be cheating. Those are the ones that we harp on. But it can be anything that you hide and you don't deal with. [00:50:42]

And many times what happens is when you don't deal with it, it comes out in anger. And here is the thing about anger. It's toxic. It's toxic. It's just like asbestos when you're redoing a home. Right? Don't let anger become asbestos. Verse 26 through 27 says, And don't sin by letting your anger control you. Don't let the sun go down while you're still angry. For anger gives a foothold to the devil. Let's be honest. First, anger in marriage is real. [00:51:16]

Because if you breathe it long enough, it'll poison the whole house. When you slam doors, and you sleep back to back, and you don't even come into the bed, and you get in the car and you drive away, and you don't come back for hours on in, and you walk around with that look, and then you blame the other person, that's called anger. And if you breathe it in long enough, it'll become an anger issue with the other person too. And it will cause resentment, and it'll cause division in your relationships. [00:52:14]

Paul's getting real practical here. He says, don't let the sun go down on your anger. In other words, deal with it before the enemy camps out in your guest room. Because conflict avoided becomes contempt. And contempt will kill what God is trying to build. That's not just in your marriage. That's in your regular life. If you've got anger issues, deal with it. If you've got anger issues, deal with it before you get married. And if you're already married and you've got anger issues, deal with it. [00:52:41]

Because it becomes contempt, and contempt will kill. A study by the Gottman Institute shows that couples who ignore conflict are 35 % more likely to divorce than those who resolve it. And counselors and therapists call this conflict avoidance. When you don't want to deal with your anger, and you don't want to deal with things, they call it conflict avoidance. And it can lead to suppressed emotions. It leads to resentment, and ultimately it can lead to divorce. [00:53:15]

At the end of the day, we all have stuff we need to deal with, and anger can be the very thing that separates us. Here's what happens. When you have individuals who can't express themselves in a relationship, it will come out in anger. And it will come out in resentment. The reality is when you have two people with different personalities and different preferences and different likes, you will have issues at times. And you will become irritated with each other at times. [00:54:27]

But you have to learn how to deal with the irritations because if you don't, the irritant becomes something worse and it becomes a big problem. Next time you go to the beach, leave your shoes on when you walk in the beach. And let the irritating sand that gets in between the bottom of your shoe and your foot stay there. What happens with that sand? It's irritating. It's annoying. But you leave it there long enough and it will create a sore. [00:54:57]

Anger in our relationships, if you don't deal with it, will create a sore that will cause major issues in your lives. Because James 1, 19 through 20 says, Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters, you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. Here's the deal. You can't control how you feel. Emotions are real. You can't control feeling angry, but you can control how you deal with your anger. [00:55:29]

At the end of the day, you can't help how you feel. Studies have proved it. Psychologists say it. You can feel the way you feel. It's okay to feel. But how you respond to how you feel makes all the difference in the world. If you respond in anger when you're angry, it's usually destructive. What Shannon and I had to learn to do in our relationship was communicate properly. Right? Because I was real good at yelling and screaming and slamming doors and once or twice maybe putting a fist in a wall. [00:56:07]

But I wasn't real good at being calm and having a conversation because I let anger control the way I responded to the situation. But this is what Proverbs 15 says. It says that a gentle answer deflects anger. Harsh words make tempers flare. You ever met somebody that's a hothead? We call them a hothead. She said myself. You ever met somebody that when you walked up, you just knew they was a punk? [00:56:46]

You ever worked with somebody that you didn't like dealing with them at work because the first time you looked at them cross -eyed or sneezed and they thought some of your spit went their way, they were going to lose their mind? But Proverbs says that anger and harsh words make tempers flare. I used to be the guy that if you got cross with me, I was getting cross with you. And sometimes I still am that guy today. I try hard not to be that guy. [00:57:24]

But here's the thing. Anger is a secondary emotion to some kind of presser that's already there. The primary emotions are usually hurt, fear, frustration, and anger can be a sign that we deeply care about something or someone. If we don't deal with it in our relationships in the proper way, it comes out. And it comes out in hurt against the other person usually. Here's the thing. God gave us a heart and a brain. He gave us emotions and he gave us logic. So feelings are from the Lord. [00:57:51]

Anger is from the Lord. But how you deal with that anger. Jesus got angry in the temple. Turned over some tables. Run some money changers out of the place. Even Jesus got angry, right? But it's how we deal with our anger that makes all the difference in the world. I have dealt with situations out of anger. And it caused problems that lasted forever. It felt like. But when you deal with anger and you learn how to constructively communicate. [00:58:29]

We don't like that word. Communication. Shannon and I had to figure that out the hard way. How to communicate. Because if you don't deal with it. Then that anger will override the emotions. And we invalidate the other person with our words and our actions. Right? As good Christians. We often invalidate the emotions of others. And we don't use the voice of our heart. Which is the Holy Spirit in us. But what did Paul say? He said don't sin by letting anger control you. [00:58:54]

He didn't say you didn't have a right to be anger. Anger isn't the problem. It's not dealing with the thing that has made you angry. It's learning how to properly communicate. So that it doesn't turn into a sore. Rather than just an irritation. So if screaming and suppressing anger with fear and shame aren't healthy ways to deal with anger in your marriage. What is? Well let's look at a couple of things very quickly. Because it's not enough for me to tell you not to be angry. I got to tell you how to fix it. Right? [00:59:29]

and kind love is patient and kind explosive anger intimidation whether spoken or implied have no places in a marriage they have no relation no place in any of our relationships because if we don't learn how to have patience right here's the thing Shannon has different things that irritate her and I have different things that irritate me and sometimes what happens is is I want to deal with something and Shannon ain't ready to deal with it and I don't know how to be patient and then I become that irritant in her shoe [01:00:23]

I had to learn patience in our marriage because the way she deals with things is different than the way I deal with things and I had to learn how to be patient to allow her to process things so that we could talk them through rather than being impatient and making the issue worse Ephesians 4 32 it says instead be kind to each other tender -hearted forgiving one another just as God through Christ has forgiven you just as Christ forgave we are to forgive and that includes our spouses and here's the problem in marriage we tend to take the worst out on our spouse because they're married to us and we feel like they can take it [01:01:11]

speaking with compassion and gentleness and all the other things on the list in galatians chapter 5 is a must not only for a christian but in our marriages that same list that you read the fruits of the spirit in galatians 5 that list applies in your marriage here's a tweetable moment for you if you do stuff on social media yeah I'm going to give you some of these and if I don't see some of these on social media I'm going to call you and I'm going to be mad I'm just kidding unresolved anger is an open door for the enemy and a shut door to healing let me say it again unresolved anger is an open door for the enemy and a shut door to healing if you don't deal with it it will destroy your marriage if you do not learn how to shut your mouth it will destroy your marriage [01:05:49]

here's the third thing I want to say to you if you don't shut down the trash talk your home will collapse you have to shut the trash down and you have to stop the talk verse 29 says do not use foul or abusive language let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them there's a reason that demo crews wear dust masks I was supposed to go get some and I didn't it was late last night and I wasn't going back out so I didn't but I was supposed to have a dust mask to use as a prop this morning I don't have it but demo crews wear them because when you demo things there's dust and especially in old things there can be mold and there can be asbestos and there can be all kinds of chemicals that fill the air Adam does construction for a living and he does some demo stuff and I bet you Adam if you walked up on his job site he's got a dust mask on right? why? because if you breathe it in long enough it will get in your lungs and it will cause issues right? it will cause breathing problems and it will poison your life and some of us are breathing in poison every day through our own words sarcasm criticism accusations eye rolls name calling you cannot build love with a mouth full of demolition [01:05:49]

Paul says speak with words that build up your spouse your significant other your future spouse should be able to breathe better because of what you say they should not feel like they've been gut punched by your tone contempt which is mockery sarcasm and disgust is the number one predicator of divorce people who don't know how to speak to their significant other will tell others the reason I got an issue with you is because you don't know how to talk to me we've all heard and probably said the term sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me when I was a kid I don't know if y 'all said this one but this was my favorite one I'm rubber and you're glue and it's not because I'm fat alright some of you went there but I used to say I'm rubber and you're glue everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you here's the problem with it that's a lie from the pit of hell because the scripture says in Proverbs 18 21 that the tongue can bring death or life our words when not spoken carefully will lead to distrust it will lead to resentment and it will lead to death in a relationship most of us in this room would never physically throw anything at our spouse [01:08:24]

church we need to learn how to shut up in Jesus name not just in our relationships but in everyday life we need to learn how to have godly wisdom and close our mouth and not speak everything that comes to the mind some of us need to install a filter and learn how to use the thing before we open our mouth because what's happening is we're destroying our spouse and we're destroying people with our words we say things like you always or you never or I wish I'd never met you you're just like you're ain't none of us use that line have you why can't you be more like in what you do with our words and what we do with our words is accuse and misunderstand and judge our state and our statements cause inflict deep emotional pain and damage trust with the other person it's easy with our words to discount every moment we have ever had with someone when we compare them to others we damage them and we disrespect them which leads to self esteem issues and competition with others rather than having a relationship of support all with our words [01:10:00]

here's what we have to do come back to what I said earlier about anger we have to learn how to control our tongues Colossians 4 6 says let your conversations be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone it's called God I need wisdom how to control this thing right here it doesn't take sticks and stones to fracture your marriage but your words if not spoken carefully will destroy it and not just your marriage but your relationship in general and who you say you are in Christ the things you say will damage your appearance to others and it will damage Christ to them we have been called to be set apart and how we speak and how we talk determines how others view Christ I know we don't like to hear that but it's the truth your words will either build or burn down they can either be dangerous or they can be powerful and mending the broken places and we have to learn how to communicate with empathy with understanding and this one word that none of us like forgiveness because if we don't clear the air with forgiveness for the things that have happened we can never move forward [01:13:00]

forgiveness is the cleanup crew and it's how we get ready to build our relationships come on Darrell the journal of family psychology says couples who practice forgiveness have greater marital satisfaction and lower stress couples who practice forgiveness have have greater marital satisfaction and lower stress you got stress in your marriage maybe you need to forgive you're not satisfied in your marriage maybe you need to forgive it's okay Bubba for most people the ability to forgive and seek forgiveness is one of the most important factors that affects how long their relationship will last there's people sitting in this room today you hadn't forgiven people in years especially your spouse [01:14:00]

most researchers and clinicians will tell you that forgiveness is the cornerstone of a successful marriage research also shows that forgiveness has been linked to several key constructs in the marital domain including conflict resolution rebuilding relationships enhancing relationship enhancing attributions and greater commitment the ability to forgive and seek forgiveness significantly contributes to your marital satisfaction why is that why is forgiveness such a big deal in our relationships because it's the central theme of the Bible forgiveness is the central theme of the gospel of Jesus Christ and if the central theme of the gospel and of the Bible is forgiveness how much more do we not need to put that forgiveness in our own lives and in our marriages [01:15:23]

she may not even know she did anything right here's the thing forgiveness is a biblical mandate in Matthew 18 you read the story where Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive what's Jesus say 70 times 7 if you do the math that's a lot of forgiveness right it's a lot of forgiveness if you do the math it's 490 times but here's what Jesus was trying to make as a point when he talked to Peter is that you never stop forgiving because it's in forgiveness we find freedom now forgiveness doesn't mean I sweep it under the rug you might still have to deal with some stuff but what forgiveness does is it says I'm willing to do some work to get past the issue when we choose not to forgive resentment builds towards our spouse but when we choose to forgive we surrender to pride hurt and offense to God and invite him to change us [01:17:52]

well I struggle with that pastor I don't know how to do it well you gotta invite Christ to come in because Jesus paid the ultimate price for the penalty of sin by dying on the cross so that you and I wouldn't have to we talked about it last week if you were here last week you heard that right he quite literally took his last breath on the cross with us in his mind what did he say father forgive them they know not what they do he literally died forgiving the people that hurt him the most and if Jesus can do it in death how much more can you and I do it in our relationships will forgiveness be easy no it's gonna hurt and it's gonna take some work but it's always worth it [01:19:30]