Building Strong Relationships Through Honest Foundations
Summary
Summary (300-500 words):
God’s love is steadfast and unwavering, always present even in our moments of doubt, failure, or wandering. Just as a house cannot stand on a weak or rotten foundation, our relationships—especially our marriages—cannot thrive if we ignore the hidden issues beneath the surface. Before we can build something beautiful, we must first have a “Demo Day,” courageously removing the rot, the secret sins, and the unresolved pain that threaten to undermine everything. This is not just about the obvious struggles, but also the hidden habits, the unspoken resentments, and the private wounds that we often try to hide or excuse.
Ephesians 4 calls us to throw off the old self and let the Spirit renew our thoughts and attitudes. This means being honest about our struggles, whether it’s addiction, anger, trust issues, or unhealthy patterns we learned growing up. We must bring these things into the light, not just for our own sake, but for the health of our relationships. True intimacy and trust can only grow where there is honesty and accountability. Hiding our mess only allows it to fester and spread, eventually causing more damage.
Anger, if left unchecked, is like asbestos in the walls of a home—poisonous and destructive. Conflict is inevitable, but how we handle it determines whether our relationships will flourish or fracture. Scripture teaches us to deal with anger quickly, to communicate with patience and gentleness, and to avoid letting bitterness take root. Our words have the power to build up or tear down, and careless speech can inflict wounds deeper than any physical blow. We must learn to speak truth in love, to control our tongues, and to use our words to encourage and heal.
Forgiveness is the cleanup crew after the demolition. It is not about ignoring the pain or pretending nothing happened, but about releasing the power of offense and inviting God to bring healing. Forgiveness is central to the gospel, and it must be central in our relationships. When we forgive as Christ forgave us, we make room for restoration and new growth. This week, take time to examine your own heart and relationships. Identify what needs to be torn out, confess what’s been hidden, and choose to forgive. Only then can God help us build something truly beautiful—lives and marriages that reflect His love, grace, and truth.
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Key Takeaways
- The Foundation Matters More Than the Facade
Just as a house with a weak foundation will eventually collapse, relationships built on hidden sin, unresolved pain, or dishonesty are destined to struggle. It’s not enough to look good on the outside; we must be willing to confront and remove the rot beneath the surface. True transformation begins with honest self-examination and a willingness to let God expose and heal what’s broken. [35:45]
- Hidden Struggles Must Be Brought Into the Light
Secret habits, private wounds, and unspoken resentments are like mold in the walls—they spread and poison the atmosphere of our relationships. Whether it’s addiction, financial secrets, or emotional affairs, what we hide will eventually harm us and those we love. Healing and freedom come when we confess, seek accountability, and allow God’s grace to do its work. [44:42]
- Anger Is Toxic When Left Unresolved
Anger itself is not sinful, but when we let it fester, it becomes toxic—like asbestos in a home, it poisons everything. Suppressed or explosive anger leads to resentment, division, and ultimately destruction. Scripture calls us to deal with anger quickly, communicate honestly, and refuse to let conflict turn into contempt. Healthy relationships require us to process our emotions with patience, humility, and grace. [52:07]
- Words Can Build or Destroy—Choose Them Carefully
Our words are powerful tools that can either construct or demolish. Sarcasm, criticism, and harsh language are like demolition dust, suffocating the life out of our relationships. Instead, we are called to speak with kindness, encouragement, and truth in love. The way we communicate—especially in moments of conflict—shapes the health and future of our marriages and friendships. [01:05:18]
- Forgiveness Is the Cornerstone of Restoration
Forgiveness is not about denying pain or excusing wrongs, but about releasing the hold of offense and inviting God’s healing. It is the central theme of the gospel and must be central in our relationships. When we forgive as Christ forgave us, we break the cycle of bitterness and make space for new growth, deeper intimacy, and lasting peace. [01:15:23]
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Youtube Chapters
[00:00] - Welcome
[31:23] - God’s Unfailing Love and Mercy
[33:27] - Series Introduction: Fixer Upper
[35:00] - The Importance of a Solid Foundation
[36:29] - Personal Stories: Fixer Uppers in Life
[38:03] - Ephesians 4: The Call to Demo Day
[39:55] - Practical Steps: Throwing Off the Old Self
[41:40] - Dealing with Hidden Issues
[44:42] - The Destructive Power of Secrets
[48:03] - Honesty, Accountability, and Healing
[50:42] - Anger: The Asbestos in Relationships
[54:26] - Communication and Emotional Health
[57:02] - The Power of Words
[01:05:18] - Shutting Down Trash Talk
[01:15:23] - Forgiveness: The Cleanup Crew
[01:17:52] - Homework: Demo and Rebuild
[01:28:16] - Announcements and Closing
Study Guide
Bible Study Discussion Guide: “Demo Day: Building on a Solid Foundation”
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### Bible Reading
- Ephesians 4:17–32
(Main text: Paul’s call to throw off the old self, deal with anger, speak truth in love, and forgive as Christ forgave us.)
- James 1:19–20
(“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”)
- Colossians 3:13
(“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”)
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### Observation Questions
1. According to Ephesians 4:22–24, what does Paul say we must do with our “old self” and why?
[[39:55]]
2. In the sermon, what are some examples of “hidden things” that can rot the foundation of a relationship?
[[44:42]]
3. What does Paul say about anger in Ephesians 4:26–27, and how does the pastor compare anger to asbestos in a house?
[[52:07]]
4. What does Ephesians 4:29 say about the way we use our words, and how does the pastor illustrate the impact of careless speech?
[[01:05:18]]
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### Interpretation Questions
1. Why does Paul connect honesty and confession with the health of the whole body (the church or a marriage)? How does hiding sin or pain affect relationships?
[[43:12]]
2. The pastor says, “You cannot step into the new man while hiding the old man under your bed.” What does this mean practically for someone struggling with secret sin or unresolved pain?
[[45:23]]
3. How does unresolved anger give the devil a “foothold” in our lives and relationships, according to Ephesians 4:26–27 and the sermon?
[[52:07]]
4. Why is forgiveness described as the “cleanup crew” after demolition? What does it look like to forgive as Christ forgave us, especially when the pain is still real?
[[01:15:23]]
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### Application Questions
1. The sermon challenges us to have a “Demo Day” in our lives and relationships. What is one area in your life or marriage that you know needs to be “torn out” or brought into the light? What’s holding you back from dealing with it?
[[41:40]]
2. The pastor shared about his own struggle with hidden addiction and the freedom that came with confession and accountability. Is there something you’ve been hiding that you need to confess to God or a trusted person? What would it take to take that step?
[[48:03]]
3. Think about the way you handle anger. Are you more likely to explode, shut down, or avoid conflict? How has this affected your relationships? What is one practical change you could make this week to process anger in a healthier way?
[[52:07]]
4. The sermon says, “You cannot build love with a mouth full of demolition.” What is one way your words have either built up or torn down someone close to you recently? How can you be more intentional with your speech this week?
[[01:05:18]]
5. Forgiveness is described as releasing the power of offense and inviting God’s healing. Is there someone you need to forgive, or do you need to ask for forgiveness? What’s the first step you can take toward that?
[[01:15:23]]
6. The pastor gave “homework” to sit down, identify what needs to be demoed, confess hidden things, and practice forgiveness. Are you willing to do this exercise with your spouse, a friend, or on your own? What do you expect will be the hardest part?
[[01:17:52]]
7. Ephesians 4:32 calls us to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving. What is one specific way you can show kindness or forgiveness in a relationship that’s been strained?
[[01:15:23]]
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Close in prayer, asking God to help you “take out the trash” and build relationships that reflect His love, grace, and truth.
Devotional
Day 1: Foundations Hidden Beneath the Surface Determine Our Strength
A relationship, much like a house, requires a solid foundation to endure the storms of life. When hidden sins, unresolved pain, or dishonesty are left unaddressed, they act like rot beneath the surface, weakening the entire structure. It is not enough to maintain a pleasing exterior; true transformation begins when one courageously confronts the brokenness within. This process demands honest self-examination and a willingness to allow God to expose and heal what is damaged. Only by tearing down the weak foundation can something beautiful and lasting be built in its place.
When you consider your closest relationships, especially marriage, ask yourself if there are hidden issues that have been ignored or excused. These hidden problems, if left unattended, will eventually cause collapse. Embracing transparency and inviting God’s healing power is the first step toward restoration and growth. [35:45]
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.” — 2 Corinthians 5:17-18
Reflection: What hidden “rot” beneath the surface of your relationships are you avoiding? What would it look like to invite God to reveal and heal these areas this week?
Day 2: Bringing Secret Struggles Into the Light Frees Us
Secret habits, private wounds, and unspoken resentments are like mold growing inside the walls of a home—silent but destructive. These hidden struggles poison the atmosphere of relationships, spreading harm not only to oneself but also to those closest. Whether it is addiction, financial secrets, or emotional distance, what remains concealed will eventually surface in damaging ways. Healing begins when these struggles are brought into the light through confession, accountability, and reliance on God’s grace.
You are called to be honest about your struggles, not to shame yourself, but to open the door for freedom and restoration. True intimacy and trust flourish only where there is transparency and vulnerability. Hiding your mess only allows it to fester and grow, but bringing it into the light invites God’s healing presence. [44:42]
“Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” — James 5:16
Reflection: What secret struggle or unspoken resentment have you been hiding? Who can you safely share this with to begin the journey toward healing and accountability?
Day 3: Unresolved Anger Poisons Relationships Like Asbestos
Anger itself is not inherently sinful, but when left unresolved, it becomes toxic and destructive—like asbestos hidden in the walls of a home. Suppressed anger or explosive outbursts lead to bitterness, division, and eventual destruction of relationships. Scripture urges believers to deal with anger quickly, to communicate with patience and gentleness, and to refuse to let conflict harden into contempt. Healthy relationships require processing emotions with humility, grace, and a willingness to listen.
Consider how you handle anger in your relationships. Are you allowing it to fester or addressing it with honesty and care? The way anger is managed can either build bridges or burn them down. Choosing to confront anger with God’s guidance protects the health and longevity of your connections. [52:07]
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” — Ephesians 4:26-27
Reflection: When was the last time you allowed anger to linger unresolved? What practical step can you take today to address that anger in a way that promotes healing?
Day 4: Words Shape the Future of Our Relationships
Words are powerful tools that can either build up or tear down. Sarcasm, criticism, and harsh language act like demolition dust, suffocating the life out of relationships. Instead, believers are called to speak with kindness, encouragement, and truth in love. The way communication is handled, especially during conflict, shapes the health and future of marriages and friendships. Speaking truth in love requires self-control, patience, and a heart focused on restoration rather than destruction.
Reflect on your daily conversations. Are your words bringing life and encouragement, or are they tearing down trust and intimacy? Choosing to communicate with gentleness and grace can transform even the most difficult moments into opportunities for growth and healing. [01:05:18]
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” — Ephesians 4:29
Reflection: Identify a recent conversation where your words may have hurt rather than helped. How can you intentionally choose words that build up and bring healing in your next interaction?
Day 5: Forgiveness Releases the Power of Offense and Restores
Forgiveness is the essential cleanup after the demolition of hidden sin and unresolved pain. It is not about denying the hurt or pretending the offense never happened, but about releasing the hold that offense has on the heart. Forgiveness invites God’s healing and breaks the cycle of bitterness, making space for restoration, new growth, and deeper intimacy. It is central to the gospel and must be central in our relationships.
When you forgive as Christ forgave you, you open the door for peace and renewal. This week, take time to examine your heart and relationships. Choose to forgive, not because the pain is insignificant, but because God’s grace empowers you to let go and rebuild. [01:15:23]
“Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” — Colossians 3:13
Reflection: Think of someone you have not forgiven. What is one step you can take today to begin releasing the offense and inviting God’s healing into that relationship?
Quotes
Here's what I want you to understand first and foremost today. Is that we cannot build godly relationships if we first don't deal with the junk. If you have a junk foundation, nothing can be built. If you have ever inspected a home or bought a home and had a home inspected, the first thing that the inspector does pretty quickly is look at the foundation. Because he knows that if the foundation isn't strong, then the whole house will be weak. So if the foundation is weak, you have to take out the rot and replace it. The first thing you have to do is rip out the rot. Right? [00:41:51]
What is Paul saying here? He's saying to have a good marriage, to have good relationships, to be a good Christian, you've got to deal with some stuff. You've got to rip some things out. Right? You need to rip it out, throw it in the trailer, and you need to haul it off the property. Don't be a hoarder and put it in the field and say you're going to use it later. Throw it away. Because all it's going to do is continue to rot. Right? We all have stuff. There's not a single person in this room that does not have stuff. [00:42:48]
Because there's some things there they haven't dealt with? And in our relationships, if we don't deal with the stuff that no one can see, the issues that no one knows we have, and we don't want to confront it or deal with it, we will have struggles in our marriages, in our relationships. Right? The secret porn habits. The private messages with people that aren't your spouse. The dating app you forgot to delete. I told you I'm going to get real with y 'all this morning. [00:43:50]
At the end of the day, we all have secret things in our life that if we don't deal with them, they will destroy our relationships and any hope we have of building successful marriages. And apart from marriages, it will separate us from God in our spiritual lives, and it will separate us to the point that we can't walk in who God has called us to be. The trash has to go. And you cannot step into the new man while hiding the old man under your bed. You can't do it. [00:45:11]
56 % of divorces involve somebody being obsessively interested in porn. Here's the reality. Research shows that pornography leads to trust issues, emotional disconnection, and dissatisfaction in relationships. And over time, an excessive consumption of it can alter expectations, weaken intimacy, and create barriers to genuine connection with your spouse. And porn doesn't start when you're married because you're lack of whatever. Studies show that three -quarters of teenagers admit to viewing pornography before the age of 17. [00:46:08]
What happens is that young, impressionable minds are impacted, and their mental health is impacted. And we grow up with unrealistic expectations of what a relationship looks like. And we bring that into our relationships from the beginning, and it creates rot. 56 % of people that will stand before a judge and sign their divorce papers has to do with pornography. 56%. Romans 3 .12 says, remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes. And put on the shining armor of right living. [00:47:04]
If your partner can't trust you, even with your mess, they're not the one for you. Hear me. Because we all have mess. We all have things. And if you cannot trust your spouse and they cannot trust you, then your marriage will always struggle. I'm going to be real as your pastor. I hid my addiction for years from my wife. Yes, your pastor had an addiction to pornography. I say it. Why? Because when I got freedom from it, I want to help others get freedom from it. Because here's the thing. It will destroy you. [00:48:35]
It will cause intimacy issues. It made my wife think for years that she wasn't good enough. And she didn't know why, because I hid it from her. She just knew I didn't want to have a relationship with her. And men and women alike, because there's no difference in who views it. Men and women are both viewing it all the time. It will create issues in your relationship. And it starts young. This world has wired it to start young. Right? I tried for years to kick it. I tried hard to get rid of it. I put software on my phone. I put software on my computer. But I found the loopholes every time to get around it. And it wasn't until I came clean about it. [00:49:56]
You can't fix what you're still hiding. What does that mean? It means you have to start being honest and open in your relationships. You have to. Well, pastor, I don't have an issue with porn. Great. What about the five maxed out credit cards and the $40 ,000 in debt? What about the shopping addiction? Right? We all have issues. Right? What about you not being able to communicate because what you saw displayed in your home was screaming and yelling and shutting down and not talking about it? [00:50:00]
What about the trust issues because someone else hurt you and now you put that on the other person in your relationship? It might not be porn, but all of us have things that we need to deal with in our relationships and we need to be able to communicate those things in our relationships. It doesn't have to be porn. It doesn't have to be porn. It doesn't have to be cheating. Those are the ones that we harp on. But it can be anything that you hide and you don't deal with. [00:50:42]
And many times what happens is when you don't deal with it, it comes out in anger. And here is the thing about anger. It's toxic. It's toxic. It's just like asbestos when you're redoing a home. Right? Don't let anger become asbestos. Verse 26 through 27 says, And don't sin by letting your anger control you. Don't let the sun go down while you're still angry. For anger gives a foothold to the devil. Let's be honest. First, anger in marriage is real. [00:51:16]
Because if you breathe it long enough, it'll poison the whole house. When you slam doors, and you sleep back to back, and you don't even come into the bed, and you get in the car and you drive away, and you don't come back for hours on in, and you walk around with that look, and then you blame the other person, that's called anger. And if you breathe it in long enough, it'll become an anger issue with the other person too. And it will cause resentment, and it'll cause division in your relationships. [00:52:14]
Paul's getting real practical here. He says, don't let the sun go down on your anger. In other words, deal with it before the enemy camps out in your guest room. Because conflict avoided becomes contempt. And contempt will kill what God is trying to build. That's not just in your marriage. That's in your regular life. If you've got anger issues, deal with it. If you've got anger issues, deal with it before you get married. And if you're already married and you've got anger issues, deal with it. [00:52:41]
Because it becomes contempt, and contempt will kill. A study by the Gottman Institute shows that couples who ignore conflict are 35 % more likely to divorce than those who resolve it. And counselors and therapists call this conflict avoidance. When you don't want to deal with your anger, and you don't want to deal with things, they call it conflict avoidance. And it can lead to suppressed emotions. It leads to resentment, and ultimately it can lead to divorce. [00:53:15]
At the end of the day, we all have stuff we need to deal with, and anger can be the very thing that separates us. Here's what happens. When you have individuals who can't express themselves in a relationship, it will come out in anger. And it will come out in resentment. The reality is when you have two people with different personalities and different preferences and different likes, you will have issues at times. And you will become irritated with each other at times. [00:54:27]
But you have to learn how to deal with the irritations because if you don't, the irritant becomes something worse and it becomes a big problem. Next time you go to the beach, leave your shoes on when you walk in the beach. And let the irritating sand that gets in between the bottom of your shoe and your foot stay there. What happens with that sand? It's irritating. It's annoying. But you leave it there long enough and it will create a sore. [00:54:57]
Anger in our relationships, if you don't deal with it, will create a sore that will cause major issues in your lives. Because James 1, 19 through 20 says, Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters, you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. Here's the deal. You can't control how you feel. Emotions are real. You can't control feeling angry, but you can control how you deal with your anger. [00:55:29]
At the end of the day, you can't help how you feel. Studies have proved it. Psychologists say it. You can feel the way you feel. It's okay to feel. But how you respond to how you feel makes all the difference in the world. If you respond in anger when you're angry, it's usually destructive. What Shannon and I had to learn to do in our relationship was communicate properly. Right? Because I was real good at yelling and screaming and slamming doors and once or twice maybe putting a fist in a wall. [00:56:07]
But I wasn't real good at being calm and having a conversation because I let anger control the way I responded to the situation. But this is what Proverbs 15 says. It says that a gentle answer deflects anger. Harsh words make tempers flare. You ever met somebody that's a hothead? We call them a hothead. She said myself. You ever met somebody that when you walked up, you just knew they was a punk? [00:56:46]
You ever worked with somebody that you didn't like dealing with them at work because the first time you looked at them cross -eyed or sneezed and they thought some of your spit went their way, they were going to lose their mind? But Proverbs says that anger and harsh words make tempers flare. I used to be the guy that if you got cross with me, I was getting cross with you. And sometimes I still am that guy today. I try hard not to be that guy. [00:57:24]
But here's the thing. Anger is a secondary emotion to some kind of presser that's already there. The primary emotions are usually hurt, fear, frustration, and anger can be a sign that we deeply care about something or someone. If we don't deal with it in our relationships in the proper way, it comes out. And it comes out in hurt against the other person usually. Here's the thing. God gave us a heart and a brain. He gave us emotions and he gave us logic. So feelings are from the Lord. [00:57:51]
Anger is from the Lord. But how you deal with that anger. Jesus got angry in the temple. Turned over some tables. Run some money changers out of the place. Even Jesus got angry, right? But it's how we deal with our anger that makes all the difference in the world. I have dealt with situations out of anger. And it caused problems that lasted forever. It felt like. But when you deal with anger and you learn how to constructively communicate. [00:58:29]
We don't like that word. Communication. Shannon and I had to figure that out the hard way. How to communicate. Because if you don't deal with it. Then that anger will override the emotions. And we invalidate the other person with our words and our actions. Right? As good Christians. We often invalidate the emotions of others. And we don't use the voice of our heart. Which is the Holy Spirit in us. But what did Paul say? He said don't sin by letting anger control you. [00:58:54]
He didn't say you didn't have a right to be anger. Anger isn't the problem. It's not dealing with the thing that has made you angry. It's learning how to properly communicate. So that it doesn't turn into a sore. Rather than just an irritation. So if screaming and suppressing anger with fear and shame aren't healthy ways to deal with anger in your marriage. What is? Well let's look at a couple of things very quickly. Because it's not enough for me to tell you not to be angry. I got to tell you how to fix it. Right? [00:59:29]
and kind love is patient and kind explosive anger intimidation whether spoken or implied have no places in a marriage they have no relation no place in any of our relationships because if we don't learn how to have patience right here's the thing Shannon has different things that irritate her and I have different things that irritate me and sometimes what happens is is I want to deal with something and Shannon ain't ready to deal with it and I don't know how to be patient and then I become that irritant in her shoe [01:00:23]
I had to learn patience in our marriage because the way she deals with things is different than the way I deal with things and I had to learn how to be patient to allow her to process things so that we could talk them through rather than being impatient and making the issue worse Ephesians 4 32 it says instead be kind to each other tender -hearted forgiving one another just as God through Christ has forgiven you just as Christ forgave we are to forgive and that includes our spouses and here's the problem in marriage we tend to take the worst out on our spouse because they're married to us and we feel like they can take it [01:01:11]
speaking with compassion and gentleness and all the other things on the list in galatians chapter 5 is a must not only for a christian but in our marriages that same list that you read the fruits of the spirit in galatians 5 that list applies in your marriage here's a tweetable moment for you if you do stuff on social media yeah I'm going to give you some of these and if I don't see some of these on social media I'm going to call you and I'm going to be mad I'm just kidding unresolved anger is an open door for the enemy and a shut door to healing let me say it again unresolved anger is an open door for the enemy and a shut door to healing if you don't deal with it it will destroy your marriage if you do not learn how to shut your mouth it will destroy your marriage [01:05:49]
here's the third thing I want to say to you if you don't shut down the trash talk your home will collapse you have to shut the trash down and you have to stop the talk verse 29 says do not use foul or abusive language let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them there's a reason that demo crews wear dust masks I was supposed to go get some and I didn't it was late last night and I wasn't going back out so I didn't but I was supposed to have a dust mask to use as a prop this morning I don't have it but demo crews wear them because when you demo things there's dust and especially in old things there can be mold and there can be asbestos and there can be all kinds of chemicals that fill the air Adam does construction for a living and he does some demo stuff and I bet you Adam if you walked up on his job site he's got a dust mask on right? why? because if you breathe it in long enough it will get in your lungs and it will cause issues right? it will cause breathing problems and it will poison your life and some of us are breathing in poison every day through our own words sarcasm criticism accusations eye rolls name calling you cannot build love with a mouth full of demolition [01:05:49]
Paul says speak with words that build up your spouse your significant other your future spouse should be able to breathe better because of what you say they should not feel like they've been gut punched by your tone contempt which is mockery sarcasm and disgust is the number one predicator of divorce people who don't know how to speak to their significant other will tell others the reason I got an issue with you is because you don't know how to talk to me we've all heard and probably said the term sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me when I was a kid I don't know if y 'all said this one but this was my favorite one I'm rubber and you're glue and it's not because I'm fat alright some of you went there but I used to say I'm rubber and you're glue everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you here's the problem with it that's a lie from the pit of hell because the scripture says in Proverbs 18 21 that the tongue can bring death or life our words when not spoken carefully will lead to distrust it will lead to resentment and it will lead to death in a relationship most of us in this room would never physically throw anything at our spouse [01:08:24]
church we need to learn how to shut up in Jesus name not just in our relationships but in everyday life we need to learn how to have godly wisdom and close our mouth and not speak everything that comes to the mind some of us need to install a filter and learn how to use the thing before we open our mouth because what's happening is we're destroying our spouse and we're destroying people with our words we say things like you always or you never or I wish I'd never met you you're just like you're ain't none of us use that line have you why can't you be more like in what you do with our words and what we do with our words is accuse and misunderstand and judge our state and our statements cause inflict deep emotional pain and damage trust with the other person it's easy with our words to discount every moment we have ever had with someone when we compare them to others we damage them and we disrespect them which leads to self esteem issues and competition with others rather than having a relationship of support all with our words [01:10:00]
here's what we have to do come back to what I said earlier about anger we have to learn how to control our tongues Colossians 4 6 says let your conversations be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone it's called God I need wisdom how to control this thing right here it doesn't take sticks and stones to fracture your marriage but your words if not spoken carefully will destroy it and not just your marriage but your relationship in general and who you say you are in Christ the things you say will damage your appearance to others and it will damage Christ to them we have been called to be set apart and how we speak and how we talk determines how others view Christ I know we don't like to hear that but it's the truth your words will either build or burn down they can either be dangerous or they can be powerful and mending the broken places and we have to learn how to communicate with empathy with understanding and this one word that none of us like forgiveness because if we don't clear the air with forgiveness for the things that have happened we can never move forward [01:13:00]
forgiveness is the cleanup crew and it's how we get ready to build our relationships come on Darrell the journal of family psychology says couples who practice forgiveness have greater marital satisfaction and lower stress couples who practice forgiveness have have greater marital satisfaction and lower stress you got stress in your marriage maybe you need to forgive you're not satisfied in your marriage maybe you need to forgive it's okay Bubba for most people the ability to forgive and seek forgiveness is one of the most important factors that affects how long their relationship will last there's people sitting in this room today you hadn't forgiven people in years especially your spouse [01:14:00]
most researchers and clinicians will tell you that forgiveness is the cornerstone of a successful marriage research also shows that forgiveness has been linked to several key constructs in the marital domain including conflict resolution rebuilding relationships enhancing relationship enhancing attributions and greater commitment the ability to forgive and seek forgiveness significantly contributes to your marital satisfaction why is that why is forgiveness such a big deal in our relationships because it's the central theme of the Bible forgiveness is the central theme of the gospel of Jesus Christ and if the central theme of the gospel and of the Bible is forgiveness how much more do we not need to put that forgiveness in our own lives and in our marriages [01:15:23]
she may not even know she did anything right here's the thing forgiveness is a biblical mandate in Matthew 18 you read the story where Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive what's Jesus say 70 times 7 if you do the math that's a lot of forgiveness right it's a lot of forgiveness if you do the math it's 490 times but here's what Jesus was trying to make as a point when he talked to Peter is that you never stop forgiving because it's in forgiveness we find freedom now forgiveness doesn't mean I sweep it under the rug you might still have to deal with some stuff but what forgiveness does is it says I'm willing to do some work to get past the issue when we choose not to forgive resentment builds towards our spouse but when we choose to forgive we surrender to pride hurt and offense to God and invite him to change us [01:17:52]
well I struggle with that pastor I don't know how to do it well you gotta invite Christ to come in because Jesus paid the ultimate price for the penalty of sin by dying on the cross so that you and I wouldn't have to we talked about it last week if you were here last week you heard that right he quite literally took his last breath on the cross with us in his mind what did he say father forgive them they know not what they do he literally died forgiving the people that hurt him the most and if Jesus can do it in death how much more can you and I do it in our relationships will forgiveness be easy no it's gonna hurt and it's gonna take some work but it's always worth it [01:19:30]
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