Building Strong Relationships: God's Blueprint for Connection
Summary
Today, we gathered to reflect on the essential blueprints God has given us for building strong, lasting relationships—especially in marriage, but also in every meaningful connection we have. Just as any solid structure requires a well-thought-out plan and a sturdy foundation, so too do our relationships. Too often, we try to “wing it,” relying on cultural trends, family patterns, or personal preferences, rather than God’s unchanging design. From the very beginning, God laid out a clear plan: leave, cleave, and become one. This means intentionally leaving behind old influences and unhealthy attachments, and building something new and holy with our spouse, with God at the center.
We explored how bringing old baggage—whether from our upbringing, past relationships, or outside voices—into our marriages can undermine the very foundation we’re trying to build. God calls us to cut the cord with those influences, not out of disrespect, but to lay down fresh concrete for a new life together. This is not just about marriage; it’s about any relationship where we want to see God’s best. Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain.
We also talked about the importance of intentional closeness. Closeness doesn’t happen by accident; it requires daily, purposeful connection—conversations that go beyond logistics and problems, shared experiences, and physical affection that isn’t just about sex, but about being present and connected. Too many couples live like co-workers, just surviving, when God’s plan is for us to thrive as soulmates. This takes effort, planning, and a willingness to prioritize each other above all else, second only to God.
Finally, we were reminded that marriage is not a contract with escape clauses, but a covenant to protect. Our culture may look for loopholes, but God’s design is for us to fight for our marriages, to see them as sacred, and to protect them at all costs. When we build on God’s foundation, intentionally connect, and honor the covenant, our relationships become a testimony to the world of Christ’s love for His church. Whether you’re married, single, divorced, or somewhere in between, God’s blueprint is for you: build on Him, be intentional, and let your relationships reflect His glory.
Key Takeaways
- God’s Blueprint Requires Leaving Old Patterns
To build a healthy relationship, we must intentionally leave behind the patterns, expectations, and influences of our past—whether from family, culture, or previous relationships. Bringing old material into a new relationship will only cause it to crumble, just as using rotten wood in construction weakens a house. God’s design is for us to lay down fresh concrete, creating something new with Him at the center. [41:41]
- Intentional Closeness is Essential, Not Accidental
Closeness in marriage and relationships doesn’t happen by default; it requires daily, purposeful effort. This means making time for meaningful conversation, shared experiences, and physical affection—not just surviving together, but thriving as true partners. Without intentional connection, distance and loneliness creep in, making us vulnerable to division and discouragement. [01:08:11]
- Guard Your Relationship from Outside Influences
Healthy boundaries are vital. While advice from family and friends can be valuable, allowing outsiders to have insider influence undermines the unity God intends. Protect your relationship by prioritizing your spouse and handling conflicts privately and graciously, so that your foundation remains strong and undivided. [51:04]
- Marriage is a Covenant, Not a Contract
God’s vision for marriage is not a temporary agreement with escape clauses, but a sacred covenant to be protected and honored. Love is a decision, not just a feeling, and the commitment to stay and work through difficulties reflects Christ’s unwavering love for us. When we see marriage as holy, we fight for it differently and stop looking for loopholes. [01:08:11]
- Build on God’s Foundation for Lasting Fulfillment
Unless the Lord builds the house, our efforts are in vain. A relationship built on God’s principles—prayer, forgiveness, service, and honor—will withstand the storms of life. Whether you’re married or preparing for marriage, seek a partner who prioritizes God, and let your relationship become a living testimony of Christ’s love to the world. [47:42]
Youtube Chapters
[00:00] - Welcome
[25:33] - Opening Worship and Prayer
[28:36] - Announcements and Upcoming Events
[32:29] - Recap: The Importance of Demo in Relationships
[34:47] - Honest Conversations and Rebuilding
[35:49] - The Need for Blueprints in Marriage
[37:05] - God’s Blueprint: Leave, Cleave, Become One
[40:23] - The Danger of “Winging It” in Relationships
[41:41] - Leaving Old Patterns and Influences
[43:11] - The Impact of Family Patterns
[45:04] - How Upbringing Shapes Relationships
[47:42] - Marriage as a Tool for Witness
[49:03] - The Power of a Godly Marriage
[51:04] - Guarding Against Outside Influence
[01:08:11] - Intentional Closeness and Covenant Commitment
[01:16:03] - Closing Prayer and Dismissal
Study Guide
Bible Study Discussion Guide: Building Relationships on God’s Blueprint
---
### Bible Reading
- Genesis 2:24
"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."
- Matthew 19:4-6
“‘Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
- Psalm 127:1
"Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain."
---
### Observation Questions
1. According to Genesis 2:24 and Matthew 19:4-6, what are the three steps God lays out as the blueprint for marriage?
(leave, cleave/unite, become one flesh)
2. In the sermon, what are some examples of “old material” or “old patterns” that people might bring into a new relationship?
[[41:41]]
3. What does Psalm 127:1 say about the importance of God’s involvement in building a home or relationship?
4. The sermon mentions that many couples today are “surviving like co-workers instead of thriving like soulmates.” What does this mean in practical terms?
[[51:04]]
---
### Interpretation Questions
1. Why do you think God’s blueprint for marriage starts with “leaving” old influences before “uniting” and “becoming one”? How might failing to do this affect a relationship?
[[41:41]]
2. The pastor said, “Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain.” What does it look like for God to be the foundation of a relationship, practically speaking?
[[47:42]]
3. The sermon warns against letting “outsiders have insider influence.” Why is it so tempting to let family or friends have a say in our relationships, and what are the dangers of this?
[[51:04]]
4. The pastor described marriage as a covenant, not a contract. What’s the difference between the two, and how does this change the way we approach conflict or hard times in marriage?
[[01:08:11]]
---
### Application Questions
1. Think about your own relationships (marriage, dating, close friendships, or family). Are there any “old patterns” or influences from your past that you haven’t fully left behind? How do these show up, and what would it look like to “cut the cord” and lay down fresh concrete?
[[41:41]]
2. The sermon challenged us to be intentional about closeness, not just convenience. What is one practical way you can create space for meaningful connection this week—whether it’s a conversation, a shared activity, or simply being present?
[[51:04]]
3. Are there any outside voices (family, friends, social media, etc.) that have too much influence in your relationship? How can you set healthy boundaries to protect your relationship while still honoring those people?
[[51:04]]
4. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, when was the last time you had a conversation with your spouse that wasn’t about logistics, kids, or problems? What’s one topic you could talk about this week to build closeness?
[[51:04]]
5. The pastor said, “Marriage isn’t a contract with escape clauses, but a covenant to protect.” When you face conflict or disappointment, do you tend to look for a way out or a way to work through it? What would it look like to “fight for your marriage” or relationship as something sacred?
[[01:08:11]]
6. For those who are single, divorced, or not currently in a relationship: How can you apply God’s blueprint of intentionality, healthy boundaries, and building on His foundation in your friendships or family relationships?
[[47:42]]
7. The sermon ended with a challenge to pray together and thank God for your spouse or close relationships. What’s one thing you’re thankful for in your closest relationship, and how can you express that gratitude this week?
[[01:08:11]]
---
Closing Prayer Suggestion:
“God, thank you for bringing us together. Help us build our relationships with your design, not our defaults. Show us where we need to leave old patterns, help us to be intentional in our closeness, and give us the strength to honor the covenant you’ve called us to. Let our relationships reflect your love to the world. Amen.”
Devotional
Day 1: God’s Blueprint for Marriage: Leave, Cleave, Become One
God’s design for marriage is clear and unchanging: a man leaves his father and mother, is united to his wife, and the two become one flesh. This foundational principle means that marriage is not just a social contract but a spiritual union, established by God from the very beginning. When couples build their relationship on this blueprint—leaving behind old patterns, cleaving to one another, and becoming one—they create a strong, lasting foundation that can withstand life’s storms. God’s plan is not just a suggestion; it is the only way to experience true unity and fulfillment in marriage. [39:00]
Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
Reflection: Are there any old patterns or influences from your past that you need to leave behind in order to fully embrace God’s blueprint for your marriage or relationships today?
Day 2: Building on God, Not Culture or the Past
Many people unknowingly build their relationships on the patterns of their parents, cultural expectations, or personal preferences, rather than on God’s Word. While family traditions and advice can be valuable, they must not override the foundation God intends for us. True strength in marriage comes from recognizing and breaking unhealthy cycles, choosing instead to build on the principles and love of Christ. Only when the Lord builds the house will it stand firm; otherwise, all our efforts are in vain. [46:02]
Psalm 127:1 (ESV)
"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain."
Reflection: What is one way you can intentionally build your relationship on God’s principles instead of simply repeating what you’ve seen modeled in your family or culture?
Day 3: Prioritizing Closeness and Intentional Connection
Closeness in marriage and relationships doesn’t happen by accident—it requires intentional effort, daily communication, and making each other a priority. Many couples drift apart because they only talk about logistics or problems, giving each other their leftovers instead of their best. Just as our relationship with God grows through daily time and intentional connection, so does our relationship with our spouse or loved ones. Scheduling regular time together, sharing meaningful conversations, and making physical and emotional intimacy a priority are essential to thriving, not just surviving, in our relationships. [01:08:11]
Ecclesiastes 4:9 (ESV)
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil."
Reflection: What is one intentional step you can take this week to create space for meaningful connection with your spouse or a close friend, beyond just discussing daily tasks?
Day 4: Marriage as a Covenant, Not a Contract
Marriage is not a contract with escape clauses, but a sacred covenant designed by God. Our culture often treats relationships as temporary or conditional, but God calls us to a higher standard—one of commitment, perseverance, and sacrificial love. When we see marriage as holy and worth fighting for, we stop looking for loopholes and start seeking solutions. Just as Jesus did not abandon us when things became difficult, we are called to remain faithful and protect the covenant we have made, trusting God to help us through every challenge. [01:13:00]
Matthew 19:6 (ESV)
"So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."
Reflection: In what ways can you honor the covenant of your marriage or close relationships today, especially when things get uncomfortable or difficult?
Day 5: The Power of a God-Centered Relationship
A relationship or marriage built on God as the foundation is not only stronger but also becomes a powerful testimony to others. When couples put God at the center, serve together, and engage in their faith community, they experience greater satisfaction and resilience. This kind of relationship reflects Christ’s love to the world and provides a model for others to follow. Whether you are married, single, or dating, making God your priority transforms your connections and allows His love and grace to flow through you to others. [01:16:03]
Ephesians 3:20 (ESV)
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,"
Reflection: How can you make God a greater priority in your relationships this week, so that your life and love point others to Christ?
Quotes
We began our series last week and started talking about Demo and how for a successful relationship, for a successful marriage, there's things you have to deal with before you get too deep in your marriage. Because if you don't deal with the rot, if you don't deal with the hidden things, it crumbles, right? Just like in any construction site, just like in any job, if you don't take care of the hidden things that are issues, it will cause structural problems in that home. And it's the same in our relationships. [00:33:46]
She goes over a plan with them to reconstruct their home. Something we had to learn that was when we began to rebuild our relationship through what we had walked through, we had to have a plan in place. Because if we didn't have a plan in place, what would happen? [00:35:49]
Because God is the foundation of every relationship. And all of you that own a home, all of you that has ever done any construction work, if you don't deal with the foundation, if you don't build a proper foundation, what begins to happen? Your house will begin to sink. Your house will begin to fall apart. [00:36:43]
Every remodel that gets done needs a set of plans. Even when we rebuilt that booth yesterday, it was a rough drawing, but we had plans. We knew what we wanted to do when we came in here. And we had some guys that had some knowledge and expertise, and they helped us follow that plan and build that booth. And it goes the same in our relationships and in our marriages. Here's the problem today. A lot of people build their marriages and build their relationships on culture's plans. What culture says. We build it on our parents' patterns and our parents' plans. Or we build it on personal preferences. [00:37:19]
But not on God's word. That's why divorce is so high in America today. Not just in the world, but in the church. Because we have the tendency to come to church. We check a box. We do the things we're supposed to do. But we never apply God's word to our relationships. It's the same in our personal life. If I don't have a daily relationship with God, my life will crumble. I will struggle. I will wonder. And I will never find fulfillment if I don't do it God's way. God gave us the blueprint for marriage all the way back in Genesis. Right? All the way in Genesis, he created Adam. [00:38:04]
When you begin to read in the scripture, he tells us to leave. He tells us to cleave. That's one of them old school words. And he tells us to become one. And when Jesus quotes this in Matthew, he doubled down and he said, what God has joined together, let no one separate. That means God doesn't just suggest this blueprint. He seals it. Look with me in Genesis chapter 2 verse 24. And it says, this is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh. And then Jesus in Matthew 19, 4 through 6 says, haven't you read? He replied that at the beginning, the creator made them male and female. And he said, for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. And the two will become one flesh. So they know are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. [00:39:12]
Because without a plan, without blueprints, it will fail. And when you build, you have to build on the right foundations. If you want God results, you have to use God's design. Genesis 2 .24, the first part of it says, This is why a man leaves his father and his mother. Father, the first line on God's blueprint is leave. That means if you're still building on your parents' patterns, your ex's expectations, or what culture says marriage should be, you're off plan. You're off plan. [00:41:41]
Now, I'm not going to lie to you. As I start talking about this in a minute, God messed with me in this a little bit. Because we live in a culture today that says you don't leave. You follow the patterns. You follow the examples. But what you cannot do is build a new marriage while dragging old material into it. Hear me. [00:42:25]
And in our relationships, if we bring old material into a new relationship, it will crumble and it will fall. It's the same reason Jesus makes a reference in the Bible when he says you can't put new wine in an old wineskin. Because if you put something new in something old, it will ruin the new. [00:43:11]
And in our relationships, it's the same way. If we bring old stuff, we talked about getting rid of the rot last week. We talked about demo last week. If we don't get rid of the old things that can cause problems, we will begin to crumble and we cannot stand when the enemy comes and tries to destroy our marriages. [00:43:28]
You can't bring comparing your spouse to past relationships. I promise you, you compare your spouse to the past, it's going to lead to trouble. And you can't let outsiders have insider influence. Let me say that again. You cannot have outsiders have insider influence. [00:43:54]
Leaving means cutting the cord so that you can lay down fresh concrete. A Pew Research study shows that 33 % of married people admit that their parents still influence the major decisions in their home. 33%. Now listen, I'm not saying parents are bad. Our parents can offer us plenty of advice. I'm at the place now where I have an adult child that has her own child. And we have to be careful sometimes that we let her parent her child. that we're not the ones trying to take over because at the end of the day, it is unhealthy if you constantly rely on someone else because at a point, you can't make your own decisions. [00:44:14]
And my wife is going to be gone. And our daughter has to be able to stand on her own two feet. And if you have an unhealthy connection with someone else, especially our parents, it can lead to struggles in a relationship. How many of us have ever stopped to think about how they were raised affects their life today? [00:45:04]
Because those were patterns that were unhealthy. But here's what happened. It's because when early on, Shannon and I did not build our foundation correctly, I found those patterns creeping into our relationship. [00:45:47]
The things we see patterned were the things that I was letting slip into my life. Right? From a young age, our parents teach us how to talk, how to act, and even how to love, whether it be good or bad. [00:46:15]
And many times, the things we learn from our parents or our grandparents, our aunts, our uncles, or whoever raised us and was around us do not quite fit with what we need in our relationships today. It's not just about doing the things the way our parents did them. It's about finding out how their lessons impact our connections now. [00:46:42]
Because if we don't learn how to build new, the old will affect us. For any marriage, any relationship to stand, it has to be built on God. Psalms 127, 1 says, Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. At the end of the day, a strong relationship, a strong marriage is not built on superficial comparisons to how we were raised, but on the foundation of God's principles. [00:47:05]
But not all people are called to marriage. But for the people who are married, it's a tool. And it's one of the greatest tools believers have for sharing Christ with others. Because what it does is it paints a picture of Jesus and his relationship to the church. [00:48:01]
I grew up a product of divorce. And let me tell you something. It will affect your children. It will affect your life and the way you live your life. And it will affect future generations. And I did not truly understand the power of a godly marriage until much later in life. Where the man and the woman are united with each other in the way God intends. Each loving, respecting, serving, and honoring the other. Let me say that again. Marriage is about spouses who know how to love, how to respect, how to serve, and how to honor each other as a way of loving the Lord. [00:49:17]
The question is, is in that relationship, how do we respond to the hard times? I have never met anyone in my life who did not have some kind of struggle in their life. If I went around this room right now and I handled you all the mic and I said, tell me about a struggle in your life, I guarantee you every single person in this room could answer some kind of question about a struggle in their life. Even if you've never been married, even if you're only in high school or middle school, all of us have had struggles in our lives. But what our foundations are built upon now before we ever get married determines when we're married how we will deal with the struggles we face. [00:50:13]
If we come into relationships without God in the center and we don't do what we talked about last week and deal with our mess and get rid of it, we will not be able to stand when the struggles come. And in outside influences that aren't built on God, no matter how great you think they are, will cause your relationship to struggle. Right? There are a lot of people who are really good at Genesis 2 .24 when it says become one flesh. But there are a lot of people who struggle with the next part that says the leave and cleave part. Because we struggle leaving our father and our mother. [00:51:04]
Guarding our marriages from our parents, from our friends, because leaving isn't just mom and dad. It's the other influences on our life. But we must guard them in a loving and gracious manner so that others know our spouse comes. [00:51:52]
comes first something that Shannon did really well when we walked through our struggles was never one time went to the outside influences and run me down to them she protected even when I was in the wrong protected and let people know that hey yeah he messed up but we're fixing things and some of us moms and dads and some of us grandmas and grandpas and some of us aunts and uncles we need to back up and let them deal with what they need to deal with no matter what we think and on the other side of it if we're in relationships and we have outside influences we have to be lovingly able to lovingly say I love you mom I love you dad I love you grandma I love you grandpa I love you brother I love you sister whoever they are but this person is the person I'm supposed to be with and our problems we're working on with God that's how it's supposed to be second Corinthians 5 17 5 17 says that the old has gone the new is here the scripture is about being new in Christ but it applies to our marriages because coming into marriage is a new life you don't come into a marriage with old stuff the old influences because we have to be careful with them things now I know what some of you are thinking I can't not have my mom and daddy in my life I can't not have my grandma and grandpa in my life I can't not have my best friend in my life and some of you mamas are sitting here staring a hole through my head right now because you're like you done told me I can't talk to my baby I didn't say you couldn't talk to your baby I said you need to be careful talking to your baby my wife's probably staring at me right now that's why I'm not looking over there at her [00:52:28]
I'm not saying you can't have a relationship and take advice but what I'm saying is others can't be your priority you can take advice you can give advice but you still have to understand that the priority is the relationship you are in and I'll follow up with this be careful what you say to others about your spouse because your opinions will sway them about your spouse or your significant other at the end of the day if me and Shannon are having a problem and I go spew my stuff on somebody else it sways their view of Shannon hear me it will sway the view you have to be careful about outsiders coming into your relationship because outsiders are not part of your foundation only God is at the end of the day a new marriage can't stand on old foundations there may be really good things you can use and you can build off of but that marriage must be God you and your spouse first that's what scripture intended that's what God intended hear me has to be you your spouse and God first here's the second thing about building with God's blueprint you have to build with closeness and not convenience here's the second thing that Genesis 2 24 says and is united to his wife God didn't say live together and survive he said united being close does not happen by accident how many of you have a best friend in this room nobody okay a few how many of you your best friend is your spouse a couple of us yeah I'm just going to tell you I would love you but she's my best friend but outside of Shannon I got about two friends that I could call right now and I know if it was in their ability they would be there for me that I consider them my best friends here's the thing about best friends you don't become best friends by only talking every once in a while right you don't become best friends by only hanging out every now and again now college is where I made one of my best friends and we don't get to see each other very much but we text back and forth quite a bit how do we stay friends we communicate we stay close we know what's going on in each other's lives we know what's happening with each other you have to have closeness to build a relationship and for that relationship to for to for to survive most couples today are surviving like co -workers instead of thriving like soulmates most of us are walking into our house and just hoping we get through another day kind of like we show up to work every day I got to deal with him again Jesus help me let me get through the next nine hours Lord yeah nine because you got a lunch break remember it's not just eight and some of us are walking into our houses and we're got the same concept on our brain Lord help me just survive another night help me not to throw a frying pan at this man's head help me not to kick a hole in that wall some of us are just surviving and here's what happens if you don't come together and you don't do intentional things you cannot get close you've got to make room for connection or you'll grow distant without realizing it it's the same in our spiritual walk with God if we don't spend time every day in prayer and we don't spend time every day talking to the Lord our spiritual lives will crumble and our spiritual lives will fall you can come in here on Sunday and you can act religious but if you ain't spent no time with the Lord the week before it's gonna eventually that facade is gonna fall off you put a facade on a house it's exactly what it's supposed to be right and if you don't do it right what happens falls off and if you don't put up God first in your life and God first in your relationships you can fake it for only so long before the water starts getting behind it and rotten it away before the insects get in there and start tearing that thing up you have to be intentional here now I'm gonna get real practical how do we become united pastor one talk every day and more than just about the bills and the kids when's the last time you sat down and had a conversation with your spouse and it didn't involve the kids or the bills [00:54:24]
most of us would sit in here and go you know probably not very often how many of you have just talked period because some of us ain't even walked in the house and talked to each other in months if I'm being real honest Shannon and I went out a couple of weeks ago about a week and a half ago and we both said it was one of the best nights because not one time all night did the kids come up on our date we were just together with each other present having a good time and what happens is when you can get together and have a conversation and it doesn't revolve around how much money you owe the IRS or how bad one of your kids is acting and you can just come together and just do something as a couple it builds closeness because if all you talk about is the troubles when you come together it tears things apart think about it I can't watch the news anymore because every time I turn that thing on I get depressed about what's happening in the world and you know what I can't do about what's going on in the world nothing I can't fix a thing happening only God can so what I have to do is put my hope in Jesus Christ and go on living my life and build a relationship with my wife and my family hear me I'm not saying I don't need to be worried about things but I can't be so worried about it that it tears everything apart there's a line right now we got to talk about bills sometimes because if I pay a bill and she doesn't know about it and she goes to pay the same bill we're going to pay double time and guess what the bank ain't going to do reject one of them payments they're going to take both of them they don't care they meant to do that they ain't even going to ask so there's times we got to talk there's times our kids are acting a fool and we got to have a conversation but if every conversation you have is about the bills and the kids acting mess then you're never going to build your relationship on closeness stop giving your spouse your leftovers hear me stop giving them what is left over create space daily even if it's 10 or 15 minutes sit down and have a conversation to really talk how are you what are you struggling with what are you excited about Shannon and I ever now and again about once a week I send her a text because we're going on a cruise in October I'm ready I'm ready to we never been on one before and I'm excited we're gonna fly to California we're gonna get on that boat we're gonna go down to Mexico I'm gonna eat some tacos yeah so we look I got us an excursion that we get to go make tacos and tostadas homemade with a little Mexican lady in some village somewhere in Mexico if I don't come back come looking in Ensenada Mexico okay just come looking but I'm excited and every now and again about once a week I got a little countdown thing on my carnival cruise app and it tells me how many days minutes and seconds I got and tell my cruise and about once a week I send Shannon that text because you can share it and it says we got so many and it's counting down and the closer it get it got under 200 days I was excited we finally got under 140 days I'm super excited I can't wait until that clock just keeps that if but if I'm not excited to do things with her right if the only text I ever send her is like we got another bill these kids are acting up again and then we sit down and we talk about that cruise how fun it's gonna be ain't none of y 'all can get a hold of me for a week right if this place burns down give it 20 minutes and call the fire department I'm just kidding but you have to have closeness with your spouse and it has to be intentional because it doesn't happen by accident you have to be intentional about it schedule a weekly connection point it doesn't have to be a five -star date just put something on the calendar where it's just you two a walk coffee drive porch talk but be present you know what Shannon and I do we haven't done this in a while because the convenience of ordering groceries online but our date used to be Saturday morning going to Walmart and buying groceries for the week Friday night Kroger whatever you got to do but here's what we found we had more fun walking the aisles of Walmart talking about people and making fun of the Walmart people because ain't nobody else do that right but Saturday morning that's what we did we would get up we'd go get some breakfast and we would go to Walmart it was just groceries but it was more than groceries it was intentional time it doesn't have to be big now husbands don't be cheap every now and again take her on a good date let go of the purse strings just a little bit every now and again it's okay it's okay every now and again but schedule a time every week where it's just you and then make physical intimacy a priority now I'm going to put a caveat in here on this point if you are not married and you are in a relationship or you are not in a relationship you got to be careful with this one but you got to make physical intimacy a priority physical closeness is God's idea and when affection disappears distance moves in now listen to me that doesn't just mean sex intimacy just ain't sex it's hugs it's hand -holding it's flirting it's laughing it's being physically connected on purpose don't treat it like a chore don't treat it like a checkbox like we do with God see it as construction glue for the marriage God designed for you the marriage and family research council says that 78 % of married couples who report regular intimacy also report higher satisfaction and emotional connection and once again it's not just sexual it's cuddling on the couch it's walking hand in hand down the street it's a kiss every now and again physical intimacy now here's the other side of that if you aren't married teenagers listen to me real good you need to be very careful in the physical intimacy area you need to be very careful God designed it God designed sex he told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply and he wasn't talking about picking peaches and making cobbler right but he designed it with boundaries in the marriage context I could preach a whole sermon on this but I don't have the time today but please understand this that sex outside of marriage mocks God's will and plan for our lives and it puts our own selfish desires above his I'm gonna leave it at that today if you've done it or you're doing it as your pastor stop it I'm just telling you stop it I'm thankful for the grace of God that he covered me in my stupidity but at some point if we continue to walk outside the will of God grace will no longer cover your mess so stop it let's get back where I was Ecclesiastes 4 9 says two are better than one three dog night said it best when they said one is the loneliest number see y 'all didn't know I was gonna pull that one out did you if we're gonna have healthy relationships and marriages we have to be intentional with each other me going to the garage and tinkering with my mess and her going to her craft room and her tinkering with her mess and we never come together we are lonely and we will be divided and when we're alone the enemy knows that he can destroy us that's why scripture says that Jesus left the 99 to go get the one because he knew the one by itself would die and it's the same way in our lives it's so easy in a relationship to do your own thing but if you don't do things intentionally you will look to other avenues for satisfaction Amos 3 3 says do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so your marriage being successful does not happen by accident and closeness doesn't happen by accident it happens with intentional effort it happens when we close out the outside noise and we put each other as the priority closeness is built on purpose not autopilot the same way in our walk with Christ it is built on purpose it is taking time every day to say God I'm gonna spend time with you and I'm gonna do what I need to do today to be close to you and if I don't do that with my spouse my marriage will fall apart [00:58:54]
after you're done staring do something I'm talking go to talk golf laugh at each other's golf swing go to the bowling alley put the bumpers up because if you don't you're gonna be in the gutter right do something plan it out don't just sit there because closeness happens on purpose and lastly we got to nail it down Matthew 19 6 says therefore what God has joined let no one separate marriage isn't a contract with escaped causes let me say that again marriage isn't a contract with escaped causes it's a covenant that does that means you don't get to walk away when things get uncomfortable quit saying it to your spouse quit telling them you're gonna leave stop it marriage does not have escape causes and you don't get to walk away when it gets uncomfortable that means love isn't a feeling love is a decision love is not a feeling because if I went off of all my feelings my life would be chaos we have to make decisions our culture wants us to treat marriage like a lease agreement what do we do we get married I don't want my stuff messed with so we sign a prenup all the prenup says is that I expect this thing to be over that's all that thing says we think that we can find every loophole to get out of this thing right we test drive our relationships before we get married by living together and playing house before we decide if it's going to work and tie the knot that way if it doesn't work we can go our separate ways and nothing lost but you are setting yourself up for failure but God says it's something sacred something spiritual something he joins together we have to stop looking for the loopholes to get out and start protecting the very thing God built in the very beginning when you see marriage as holy you fight for it differently when you see marriage as something God ordained from the beginning you treat it with more respect I saw a video the other day and it said people are getting divorced like crazy the man said you tired of me go take a nap when you wake up we'll try again you stuck my wife is stuck with me I'm stuck we made a decision a long time ago we're stuck with each other we're tired of fighting go take a nap we'll try again tomorrow but there's not a loophole because God didn't design relationships with loopholes he designed us to protect those things at all cost the problem is today that we're looking for a way out more than we are looking for the solution to stay together some of us are looking for the way out more than we are the solution to stay together some of us are looking for the way out more than we are the solution to get I'm gonna say one more time some of us are looking for the way out more than we are the solution to stay together because the solution to stay together takes a little bit more work than walking away what if Jesus did that for you on the cross what did he pray in the garden god if there's any other way that i don't have to do this please do it in other words he said i don't want to do it god if there is another way now listen at any time jesus could have called a host of angels down and took him out of that place and never walked that road and carried that cross and hung on it but he didn't and some of us are looking for the loophole rather than sucking it up and dealing with the pain that might come for a short time to get this the fix in place [01:08:28]
the first thing you have to do is as we stated earlier is make sure it's built on a foundation of god come on daryl a harvard study on faith and marriage showed couples who attend church together regularly are 35 percent less likely to divorce couples who go to church together typically have the happiest marriages and the lowest risks of divorce now there are exceptions to that but on a whole level they last why because the entire christian belief system is built around love and forgiveness and having a proper understanding that helps us navigate the challenges of marriage and family life more successfully having a proper understanding what does that mean it means i have to be engaged i have to be intentional it means that i don't do life alone in marriage [01:12:35]
couples who come to church together and are engaged in their church family have happier lives happier homes and are less likely to get divorced why because people who are struggling when they get engaged with people who aren't struggling like they are see love a little differently they see christ at work in people studies show that 55 percent of men who attend church with their wives are very satisfied in their marriage and 49 percent of women who attend with their husbands are very satisfied in their marriage that just goes to show you women are harder to please than men but that's not the point [01:13:34]
that wasn't the point i am going to pay for that for people who don't attend church together the number drops to 27 for women and 28 for men attending is not just coming and sitting on a seat and leaving attending is being involved whether you serve together couples who serve together thrive together getting involved in a tribe attending is doing life with other believers and encouraging each other you know i don't want you to just come on sunday and sit here i want you to be involved with others in this building at some point because that was the intention from the beginning and when we do that together in our relationships and for those of you that aren't married yet and aren't dating i want you to understand this you need to look for a spouse that wants to put god as a priority because if they put god as a priority it will make your relationship better from the get -go if you're looking for somebody who doesn't know the lord you're setting yourself up for a mistake if you're dating someone right now who doesn't know the lord and you're not married pray hard before you keep going because we hear that all the time oh i can get them saved i can get her saved no you can't if it's not a priority for them right now what makes you think it's going to be different when you walk down the aisle [01:14:17]
and then it goes on to say and the marriage bed should be kept pure for god will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral that goes back into what i said earlier but it says it should be honored by all in other words marriage is sacred created by god and it should be respected as holy and it should always be focused and built on a foundation of god marriage isn't a contract to manage it's a covenant to protect marriage isn't a contract to manage it's a covenant to protect here's your homework this week because i'm going to give you some homework you can take notes but we're also going to put it online go to the facebook page later it'll be posted on the facebook page too the notes but you need to have a foundation talk this week first thing and i want you to ask each other these questions are there past influences we haven't fully left behind and are we building on god's plan or someone else's talk about your foundation what is it built on what is it built around the second thing you need to do is have a connection commitment plan one 30 minute connection point this week put it on your calendar no phones no kids just talk 30 minutes here's three questions you can use you can ask whatever you want but here's three you can what's one thing that made you smile this week what's one thing you felt stressed about this week what's one way i can help you feel more loved because it's about supporting your spouse your significant other then step three physical enemy check now if this is where you're not married you got to be careful but i want you to have an honest judgment -free conversation about your physical connection what's missing what needs to change end it by doing something small but intentional maybe it's a kiss maybe it's cuddling maybe it's kiss longer than two seconds and if you're married and the mood is right dot dot dot if you're married and then step four covenant reminder write three reasons you're thankful for your spouse and exchange them something shannon and i do when we counsel couples is we have them write down what they need but also the things they're thankful for and the reasons they fell in love with their spouse why because if we always focus on the negative and the bad we can never remember why we got together to begin with you always have to remember why you fell in love so i want you to remember why you got together to begin with and i want you to exchange them and then i want you to pray this prayer to god or god pray this prayer together god thank you for bringing us together and help us build our marriage with your design not our defaults when we're intentional and build our relationships on a foundation of god they will be more successful they will last we will be more satisfied in all areas of our life [01:16:03]
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