Building Lasting Relationships: The Heart of Parenting
Summary
In my sermon, I emphasized the profound influence parents have on their children's lives, particularly through the relationships they cultivate. I began by introducing the concept of "dials" that parents can turn up or down to affect their children's lives in three critical areas: their relationship with their children, their children's relationship with God, and their children's relationships outside the home. I posed three questions to guide our parenting series: What am I doing to enhance my relationship with my child? What am I doing to advance my child's relationship with God? And what am I doing to influence my child's relationship with those outside of the home?
I stressed that relationships, choices, and experiences shape us, with relationships being the most influential. Therefore, the parent-child relationship is crucial in setting the trajectory of a child's life, perspective, and odds for success. I acknowledged the different stages of parenting represented in our congregation and the challenge of providing specific advice for each stage. Instead, I aimed to motivate parents to engage, re-engage, or stay engaged in growing and deepening their relationships with their children.
I then turned to Ephesians 6, highlighting the often-overlooked verse 4, which instructs fathers not to provoke their children to anger but to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. I explained that "bring them up" is a relational term, emphasizing nurturing over leveraging size and position. I encouraged parents to adopt a posture of a nurturer, a replenisher, someone who builds into their children.
I introduced the ParentQ app and the resource "Parenting Through the Phases" as tools to help parents intentionally develop their relationships with their children at each stage of their growth. I urged parents to move beyond leveraging size and position as soon as possible, to maintain influence through the richness of their relationship, especially as children grow older and make significant life decisions.
I addressed parents of middle and high schoolers, emphasizing the importance of transitioning from parenting based on size and position to parenting from the depth of the relationship. I explained that the quality of a parent's relationship with their child impacts the quality of their future relationships, as emotionally healthy people tend to have healthier relationships.
For those who feel they have lost influence with their older children, I advised owning their mistakes and serving their way back into a relationship with humility. I encouraged young families to start right and think about how to develop a healthy relationship from the beginning. I offered resources, including Andy Stanley's book on parenting, and expressed my desire to help parents by answering their questions through various platforms.
In conclusion, I prayed for parents to continue wrestling with these truths and to think about their influence on their children as they grow older.
Key Takeaways:
1. The quality of your relationship with your children will determine the weight of your influence with them. This is true regardless of your child's age. As they grow, the size and position advantage diminishes, and the relationship's health becomes the source of influence. ([24:00])
2. Parenting is not about leveraging size and position but about nurturing and building into your children. Ephesians 6:4 teaches us to bring up our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, which is fundamentally a relational process. ([38:08])
3. Intentionality in parenting is crucial. Utilizing resources like the ParentQ app and "Parenting Through the Phases" can guide you in developing a plan to enhance your relationship with your child at every stage of their development. ([41:26])
4. For parents who feel they've lost influence, it's essential to own up to past mistakes and serve your way back into a relationship with your children. This approach requires humility and patience, but it can rebuild trust and connection over time. ([50:35])
5. Investing in your relationship with your child is investing in all of their future relationships. Emotionally healthy relationships with parents set the foundation for emotionally healthy relationships in the future. ([45:56])
Study Guide
### Bible Study Discussion Guide
#### Bible Reading
- Ephesians 6:4 (ESV): "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
#### Observation Questions
1. What does Ephesians 6:4 instruct fathers not to do, and what are they encouraged to do instead?
2. According to the sermon, what are the three critical areas where parents can "turn the dial" to influence their children? ([16:42])
3. How does the sermon describe the impact of leveraging size and position in parenting, especially as children grow older? ([27:58])
4. What resources did the pastor recommend for parents to help them develop their relationships with their children? ([39:49])
#### Interpretation Questions
1. Why does Ephesians 6:4 emphasize not provoking children to anger? How might this relate to the overall health of the parent-child relationship?
2. The sermon mentions that the quality of the parent-child relationship determines the weight of parental influence. How does this principle apply to different stages of a child's life? ([23:27])
3. What does it mean to transition from parenting based on size and position to parenting from the depth of the relationship? How might this look in practical terms? ([44:11])
4. How can owning past mistakes and serving your way back into a relationship with your children help rebuild trust and connection? ([50:35])
#### Application Questions
1. Reflect on your current relationship with your children. What specific actions can you take this week to enhance and deepen that relationship? ([20:56])
2. If you have been relying on size and position in your parenting, what steps can you take to shift towards a more relational approach? How can you start this transition today? ([27:58])
3. For parents of middle and high schoolers, what are some practical ways you can begin to parent from the depth of your relationship rather than from a position of control? ([44:11])
4. If you feel you have lost influence with your older children, what are some specific ways you can own your past mistakes and serve your way back into their lives? ([50:35])
5. How can you use resources like the ParentQ app or "Parenting Through the Phases" to create a plan for developing your relationship with your child at their current stage of development? ([39:49])
6. Think about a recent decision your child made. How did your relationship with them influence their decision-making process? What can you do to ensure you maintain a positive influence in their future decisions? ([31:07])
7. Consider the emotional health of your relationship with your child. What specific actions can you take to invest in their emotional well-being, and how might this impact their future relationships? ([45:56])
Devotional
Day 1: Influence Through Relationship
The depth of one's relationship with their children is the cornerstone of influence. As children grow and mature, the natural authority that comes from being a larger, more dominant figure diminishes. What remains is the relational bond that has been nurtured over time. This bond is not just about shared experiences but also about the quality of interactions, the emotional connection, and the mutual respect that has been cultivated. It is through this relationship that parents can continue to guide and influence their children, even as they become more independent. The strength of this connection will determine the weight of a parent's influence, making it essential to invest in this relationship consistently and intentionally [24:00].
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." - Proverbs 22:6
Reflection: How can you strengthen your relationship with your child today to ensure a lasting influence on their life?
Day 2: Nurturing Over Power
Parenting is not about exerting control through size and position but about nurturing and guiding children in the ways of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 provides a blueprint for a relational approach to parenting, one that focuses on discipline and instruction that comes from a place of love and care. This nurturing approach fosters a safe environment for children to grow and learn, where they are supported and encouraged rather than provoked to anger. It is through this loving guidance that children can develop a strong foundation in their faith and values [38:08].
"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." - Colossians 3:21
Reflection: In what ways can you shift from a position of authority to one of nurturing in your parenting this week?
Day 3: Intentional Parenting Strategies
Intentionality is key in parenting. It's not enough to hope for a strong relationship with one's child; it must be actively pursued through thoughtful strategies and resources. Tools like the ParentQ app and "Parenting Through the Phases" can provide guidance and structure for parents looking to enhance their relationships with their children. By being deliberate in parenting, one can ensure that they are meeting their children's needs at every stage of their development, fostering a bond that is both resilient and adaptable [41:26].
"By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches." - Proverbs 24:3-4
Reflection: What is one intentional action you can take this week to better connect with your child at their current stage of life?
Day 4: Humility in Rebuilding Relationships
For parents who feel they have lost influence or connection with their older children, there is always a path back to a strong relationship. This path is paved with humility, owning up to past mistakes, and serving one's way back into their children's lives. It requires patience, a willingness to listen, and an openness to change. By approaching the relationship with a humble heart, parents can begin to rebuild trust and re-establish the bond that may have been weakened over time [50:35].
"Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends." - Proverbs 17:9
Reflection: Is there a past mistake you need to own up to with your child, and how can you approach them with humility this week?
Day 5: Foundation for Future Relationships
The relationship a child has with their parents sets the tone for all future relationships. When a child experiences a healthy, emotionally supportive relationship at home, they are more likely to replicate that in their own relationships as they grow older. Investing in the emotional health of the parent-child relationship is an investment in the child's future, equipping them with the tools and understanding necessary to build strong, healthy connections with others [45:56].
"Let your father and mother be glad; let her who bore you rejoice." - Proverbs 23:25
Reflection: How can you contribute to the emotional health of your relationship with your child to positively impact their future relationships?
Quotes
"When it matters most, the quality of your relationship with your children will determine the weight of your influence with them. Leave that on the screen. Let that sink in. Write it down. Think about it. Because it's true. How do I know that it's true? Well, let's just do an experiment. Think about your relationship with your parents right now." [24:00]
"Your investment in the relationship with your child does more to establish emotional health for them than anything else. When you invest in the relationship with your child, you're investing in their emotional health. And emotionally healthy people generally have healthier relationships. Conversely, emotionally unhealthy people have a very difficult time maintaining healthy relationships." [47:25]
"Your kids need your influence the most when they are making the decisions in life that matter the most. When they're choosing who to date, they need your influence. When they're choosing their career path, don't you want to be sitting in a seat of influence, not control, not dictating, but to be able to have a voice of influence as they're making career decisions?" [31:07]
"Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. [...] It's about taking the posture of a nourisher, of a nurturer, of a replenisher, of a builder into-er. [...] It's a very, very relational word. Bring them up. Nurture. Nourish. It's very relational. [...] The best strategy for preparing your kids for the future and training them in the day-to-day life is to train them in the day-to-day life." [38:08]
"The tragedy is this, is when our kids need our influence the most, often for a lot of parents, we have the least amount of influence because we never made the transition. We never made the transition from size and position to having a healthy relationship, which leads me to the next big, like, what's it? What's at stake? Why should you care about your relationship with your children?" [30:28]
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