Building a Strong Marriage: Love, Commitment, and Community
Summary
### Summary
Today, we delved into the journey of marriage, reflecting on the highs and lows that my wife Robin and I have experienced over the past 34 years. We began by expressing gratitude for the community that supported us during our darkest times, emphasizing the importance of having a strong support system. Our story is a testament to the power of love, commitment, and faith in overcoming life's challenges.
We shared our experiences from the dating years, highlighting the importance of knowing your non-negotiables and loving yourself first. Marriage doesn't fix you; it exposes and magnifies your broken parts. Therefore, it's crucial to enter into it with a clear understanding of what you want and need in a partner.
As we moved into the early years of our marriage, we discussed the importance of fighting for "us" rather than for individual rights. The statistics are daunting, with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, but we emphasized that if both partners are willing to fight for their relationship, it can work. This involves dying to self, seeking counsel, and being willing to compromise.
We also touched on the complexities of raising children and maintaining a strong marital bond. It's easy to drift apart amidst the busyness of life, but having a plan can make all the difference. We shared how we navigated through various stages of life, from raising four daughters to dealing with Robin's cancer diagnosis, always prioritizing our relationship and making time for each other.
Finally, we stressed the importance of having a plan for your marriage, just as you would for your car, health, or finances. A good plan involves regular check-ins, seeking help when needed, and never using the word "divorce" as an option. It's about fighting for each other and for the future you want to build together.
### Key Takeaways
1. Community and Support: The importance of community cannot be overstated. When life falls apart, having people who love and support you can make all the difference. Pastor Tom and Deb opened their home to us during our darkest times, showing us the power of unconditional love and support. This kind of community is essential for healing and growth. [39:14]
2. Know Your Non-Negotiables: Before entering into a marriage, it's crucial to know your non-negotiables. These are the core values and qualities you seek in a partner. For me, it was important that my wife loved the Bible, was Spirit-filled, and valued community. Knowing these non-negotiables helps you stay true to yourself and avoid compromising on essential aspects of your life. [48:08]
3. Fight for "Us": Marriage requires fighting for the relationship, not just for individual rights. The statistics are daunting, but if both partners are willing to fight for their marriage, it can work. This involves dying to self, seeking counsel, and being willing to compromise. It's about prioritizing the relationship over personal grievances. [01:01:45]
4. Have a Plan: Just as you would have a plan for your car, health, or finances, you need a plan for your marriage. This involves regular check-ins, seeking help when needed, and never using the word "divorce" as an option. A good plan helps you navigate through the complexities of life and keeps the relationship strong. [01:20:02]
5. Endure and Trust God: Life will throw challenges your way, but it's crucial to endure and trust in God. Whether it's a cancer diagnosis or the busyness of raising children, pressing through and not throwing in the towel is essential. Trusting God and giving Him your all can help you navigate through the toughest seasons. [01:27:22]
### YouTube Chapters
[0:00] - Welcome
[39:14] - Importance of Community
[40:49] - The Dating Years
[42:15] - Lessons from Early Marriage
[47:28] - Marriage Doesn't Fix You
[48:08] - Know Your Non-Negotiables
[49:59] - Qualities to Look for in a Spouse
[50:49] - Avoid Compromising Core Values
[51:16] - The Role of a Godly Partner
[52:03] - Early Marriage Challenges
[53:50] - Differences and Compatibility
[58:49] - Fighting for "Us"
[01:06:46] - Raising Children
[01:18:21] - Importance of a Marriage Plan
[01:24:20] - Final Encouragement and Prayer
Study Guide
### Bible Study Discussion Guide
#### Bible Reading
1. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV)
> "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
2. Ephesians 5:25-33 (NIV)
> "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
3. Proverbs 15:22 (NIV)
> "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."
#### Observation Questions
1. What role did community play in the speaker's journey through marriage? ([39:14])
2. According to the sermon, what are "non-negotiables" and why are they important in a relationship? ([48:08])
3. How did the speaker and his wife handle the challenges of raising children while maintaining their marital bond? ([01:06:46])
4. What does the speaker suggest about having a plan for marriage, and what elements should this plan include? ([01:20:02])
#### Interpretation Questions
1. How does Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 relate to the importance of community and support in a marriage? ([39:14])
2. In what ways does Ephesians 5:25-33 illustrate the concept of "fighting for 'us'" in a marriage? ([01:01:45])
3. How can Proverbs 15:22 be applied to the idea of having a plan for marriage? ([01:20:02])
4. What does the speaker mean by "marriage doesn't fix you; it exposes and magnifies your broken parts"? How does this align with the biblical view of marriage? ([47:28])
#### Application Questions
1. Reflect on a time when community support made a significant difference in your life. How can you cultivate such a community around your marriage? ([39:14])
2. What are your non-negotiables in a relationship? How can you ensure that you and your partner are aligned on these core values? ([48:08])
3. How do you and your spouse currently handle conflicts? What steps can you take to prioritize fighting for "us" rather than for individual rights? ([01:01:45])
4. Do you have a plan for your marriage? If not, what steps can you take to create one? Consider including regular check-ins, seeking counsel, and setting mutual goals. ([01:20:02])
5. How do you balance the demands of raising children with maintaining a strong marital relationship? What practical steps can you take to ensure you and your spouse stay connected? ([01:06:46])
6. Think about a challenging season in your marriage. How did you endure and trust God during that time? What can you do to strengthen your faith and resilience for future challenges? ([01:27:22])
7. How can you and your spouse make time for each other amidst the busyness of life? What specific actions can you take this week to prioritize your relationship? ([01:21:57])
Devotional
Day 1: The Power of Community and Support
In times of crisis, the presence of a loving and supportive community can be a lifeline. When life falls apart, having people who love and support you can make all the difference. This kind of community is essential for healing and growth. The story of Pastor Tom and Deb opening their home during a dark time is a powerful example of unconditional love and support. It reminds us that we are not meant to walk through life alone; we need each other to navigate the highs and lows.
A strong support system can provide emotional, spiritual, and even practical help when we need it most. It’s a reminder that God often works through people to show His love and care. Whether it’s through a church community, close friends, or family, having a network of support can help us endure and overcome life’s challenges. [39:14]
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (ESV): "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!"
Reflection: Think of a time when you were supported by your community during a difficult period. How can you be that support for someone else today?
Day 2: Knowing Your Non-Negotiables
Before entering into a marriage, it’s crucial to know your non-negotiables. These are the core values and qualities you seek in a partner. Knowing these non-negotiables helps you stay true to yourself and avoid compromising on essential aspects of your life. For example, it might be important that your partner shares your faith, values community, or has a particular character trait.
Understanding your non-negotiables allows you to enter a relationship with clarity and purpose. It helps you avoid settling for less than what you need in a partner and ensures that your relationship is built on a solid foundation. This self-awareness is not just about finding the right partner but also about loving and respecting yourself enough to hold out for what truly matters. [48:08]
Proverbs 4:23 (ESV): "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life."
Reflection: What are your non-negotiables in a relationship? How can you ensure that you are not compromising on these essential values?
Day 3: Fighting for "Us"
Marriage requires fighting for the relationship, not just for individual rights. The statistics are daunting, but if both partners are willing to fight for their marriage, it can work. This involves dying to self, seeking counsel, and being willing to compromise. It’s about prioritizing the relationship over personal grievances and working together to build a strong, lasting bond.
Fighting for "us" means putting the relationship first, even when it’s difficult. It requires humility, patience, and a willingness to seek help when needed. By focusing on the partnership rather than individual desires, couples can navigate challenges and grow stronger together. This commitment to the relationship is essential for enduring love and mutual respect. [01:01:45]
Ephesians 4:2-3 (ESV): "With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."
Reflection: In what ways can you prioritize your relationship over individual desires today? How can you fight for "us" in your marriage or close relationships?
Day 4: Having a Plan
Just as you would have a plan for your car, health, or finances, you need a plan for your marriage. This involves regular check-ins, seeking help when needed, and never using the word "divorce" as an option. A good plan helps you navigate through the complexities of life and keeps the relationship strong. It’s about being proactive and intentional in nurturing your marriage.
Having a plan means setting goals, communicating openly, and being willing to adjust as needed. It’s about creating a roadmap for your relationship that includes regular maintenance and care. By having a plan, couples can stay connected and focused on building a future together, even when life gets busy or challenging. [01:20:02]
Proverbs 21:5 (ESV): "The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty."
Reflection: What specific steps can you take to create a plan for your marriage or relationship? How can you ensure regular check-ins and open communication?
Day 5: Endure and Trust God
Life will throw challenges your way, but it’s crucial to endure and trust in God. Whether it’s a cancer diagnosis or the busyness of raising children, pressing through and not throwing in the towel is essential. Trusting God and giving Him your all can help you navigate through the toughest seasons. It’s about relying on His strength and guidance to overcome obstacles and grow stronger in your faith and relationships.
Endurance and trust in God are vital for facing life’s difficulties. By leaning on Him, you can find the strength and courage to persevere. This trust is not just about getting through tough times but also about growing closer to God and deepening your faith. It’s a reminder that He is always with you, providing the support and guidance you need. [01:27:22]
James 1:12 (ESV): "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."
Reflection: What challenges are you currently facing that require endurance and trust in God? How can you lean on Him more fully in this season?
Quotes
1. "The thing I found out in that over all the years of pastoring, working with couples, is if you think marriage is going to fix you, you're crazy. What marriage will do is pull all of the broken parts out of you and enhance them. Every crack, every issue. As my dad said, you don't really know people until you live with them or until you work with them or marry them. So marriage doesn't fix you. You bring every broken part of your life into the future. Marry the person and then they get the best and the worst of you. Which is why most marriages will go this way. For better or worse. We all know we're lying. It's for better because we don't do worse very well at all. And we think our partner is going to fix us." [47:28] (49 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
2. "You need to know your non-negotiables. You need to know the things that you're willing to compromise and not compromise. The things that you know. Because if you're not careful, you will compromise every single time. I'm going to put it up and this is what it will say. Know your non-negotiables. You need to know what you're looking for in these dating years. What do you want out of your spouse? What do you want? Are you looking for? Because when I, my wife Monica died and I knew probably because I was in my early 20s. I would get married again. And so I just jotted down. It sounds so silly. But I jotted down what I was looking for. Not in a negative way that she has to meet this list. But in a way that." [48:08] (50 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
3. "I wanted a bride that loved her Bible. Because I knew if she loved the word of God. There was a better chance we would make it. I wanted her to go to church. Not because it's a religious thing. But because that was important for community. To be part of our life. To be successful. I wanted a spirit filled woman. Don't know what you think about that. But I wanted a woman that knew the voice of the Holy Spirit. Why? Because I knew life can be hell. I know. Here's what we do. We come to the altar. And we're all like giddy about it. But about a week into the honeymoon. You realize. Oh my God. Who did I marry? What's happening? So I wanted a woman who had God first in her life. Not me. Because I knew when it fell apart. I needed someone that could take me to Jesus when life falls apart. Someone who's not going to run to the bottle." [49:59] (49 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
4. "You have to fight for us. I'll tell you why that's important. When you get married, everybody typically fights for themselves. The statistical truth of marriage is 50% of every marriage is going to end in failure. It's the stats. So whether you believe in God or not or the devil or not or wherever you fall statistically in America, 50% a little higher. In some states a little lower than others, but average 50% of all first-time marriages Christian non-Christian end in a divorce. So the moment you stand in an altar, you got a 50 50 chance to make it the typical we don't make it is we don't fight for us. We fight for my rights. We fight for I was a powder and she was a perfectionist and we went to the altar like we're going to have the best marriage ever. We're never going to fight. We're going to get along so well because we just love each other so much. And then you realize how quickly the powder in me because I didn't cuss and slam doors and scream and holler. I would just pout. I would just sit there and put my lip out. You okay? I'm okay. Just holding it all in and and she's very much analytical. And so I had to learn how to fight for us. Not just for me. You have to fight for the marriage to make it." [01:01:45] (82 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
5. "I will end with this every couple that I have had come to me. That wants it to work and is willing to work it. It will work. It will work doesn't matter how hellacious it is. If you want it, you're willing and you'll fight for it. It can work. Why would I fight for it? Because I don't want to be a statistic. Why would I fight for this because I want to grow old with somebody that knows all my garbage. I want to grow old with somebody that knows all of my quirks and my little playing playing my phone and playing my guitar and says I love you. Anyway, I want to grow old with somebody that I can sit on the front porch go. My God. Remember when and I got kids and grandkids around my feet. You don't get there. If you don't fight for it, you're going to tap out. You're going to you got to fight for it. That's a hard thing to do when you want your way and you want to win one every now and then." [01:06:00] (51 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
6. "If you want a good life, you better get a plan. And this is why I think this is true. In every, in every marriage I've ever performed in 34 years of pastoring, they always have somebody that's the wedding coordinator. Typically, if they're real cheap, it'll be an aunt, which has no clue what she's doing and she's telling everybody what to do, but she was free. And then for those that go well, and I'm not sitting there texting Robin going, God, we've been here four hours and we're getting nowhere. They hire somebody to come as the wedding coordinator on day one when they're getting married. And that wedding coordinator puts a piece of tape here, here, here, here, and here. And the wedding coordinator sitting here going, okay, get ready. And they're all in the back and she's orchestrating this beautiful ceremony where everybody's supposed to stand. And I always text Robin and go, oh my gosh, how easy it went when there was a professional coordinator orchestrating the whole thing. Like people do that for their wedding day. But as soon as they come home from the honeymoon, there's nobody with a piece of tape telling him where to stand. There's nobody in their life going, hey, I don't think you should have said that. That's not going to go. Well, back that up. Back that up. Get back. No, no. Mark, Mark, pick up your underwear. Pick up your underwear. Now, Mark, pick up your under. No, no. Do not call her your mother. Do not like that. That would be awesome. You don't have those people in your life. So guess what? Most people just wing it and they're winging it off sex and lust and love and happiness. And then a month in you realize you're both human and you have no plan. No plan. We didn't get here just because we're Christians, just because we read the Bible. We got here because we sat down and figured out if we want a good life, we need to get a great plan." [01:18:21] (105 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
7. "We made a decision in the early years of our life, because we had seen it fall apart, that we would always date. And every week, I would take her on a date. And I wish somebody would have told me that she would never be able to decide. That would make it so much easier. I created a little wheel, fellas, that is all the restaurants. And now I just hit it and go, where do you want to eat? And it picks where we're going to eat. And I'm like, that feels good. I said, that's right, right? Like the wheel pick, not me or you. And then she'll go, man, I don't think that's what I want. But we have dated 34 years straight. Every single week, we've dated broke. We've dated angry. We've dated happy. We've dated sad. Because we made a decision that we would never drift apart. And when you have four daughters, and you're burning the candle at both ends, it takes effort to keep this fresh. I'll say this, I don't mean it rude, but I'll say it from my heart. There's a lot of people married who their God is their children. And they're losing love for each other. You're serving your kids more than you're serving each other. And that's a great thing in the moment. But when those kids are gone, this is sad. It's so empty and broken. There's nothing here. So whatever that means to you, to have a good plan. To sit down and go, here's what we want for our children, let's work at it. Whether that's home school, here's what we want for them for college. Here's what we want in a home. Here's what we want together as a couple." [01:21:12] (108 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
8. "Do you know that there are more people that have a plan for their car? Than their mother? Than their marriage? Every 3,000 miles they'll get the oil changed. They'll check the steering to see if it's off. They'll check the tires. They'll wash it. They'll get all the salt off of it. All the snow off of it. They'll vacuum it out. They have a better plan for their grass in their yard. They will mow it. They will cut the flowers. They will trim things. They have a better plan for their health. They'll go to the gym. They put more time into picking fantasy football players. Than they do their marriage. So if you can have a fantasy football plan. A changing oil plan. A mowing your grass plan. A retirement plan. A gym and health plan. A nutritional plan. Could you not get a plan for your marriage? To say we're going to get a plan to fight for each other. Not against each other. We're going to get a plan to love each other. And to love ourselves. And to love God." [01:24:20] (63 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
9. "Half of the world comes from broken homes. Half of the children born are born to parents that aren't even wed. Fathers that aren't even in the house. My personal opinion. I don't think we have a political problem. I think we have family problems. I think the families are broken. And Robin and I are here to say 14 years ago. It probably wouldn't have looked like we would be sitting here encouraging you. Because we were in a very dark season. I'm sure when Robin went through cancer. She's not thinking I just yearned to sit on a stage and talk about my faith. When our daughters are going through problems. It's not like we go yay. We get to tell people how wonderful God is. When we're the ones crying. And we're the ones having hard conversations. When we go wrong. I just want to encourage you today. Press through. Don't throw in the towel. Trust the God that you serve. And give him your all." [01:26:32] (63 seconds) (Download raw clip | Download cropped clip)
Chatbot
-
I'm an AI bot trained only on this specific sermon. Do you have any questions about it?