Bridging the Expectation Gap in Marriage
Summary
In today's sermon, I explored the profound complexities and challenges of relationships, particularly focusing on marriage. We began by acknowledging the troubling statistics surrounding marriage today and emphasized that while God intended for marriage to last a lifetime, many do not. This failure is not due to God's design but rather our own shortcomings and the way we manage expectations within our relationships.
We delved into the concept of the "expectation gap," which occurs when there's a discrepancy between what we anticipate and what actually happens. This gap often leads to disappointment, frustration, and eventually resentment if not addressed properly. I stressed the importance of managing these expectations through communication and understanding, rather than filling the gap with negative assumptions or resentment.
A significant portion of the discussion was dedicated to how unmet expectations, if not openly discussed, can silently damage a relationship. These unmet expectations can lead to a cycle of disappointment and resentment, which may escalate to more severe relationship issues. I highlighted the importance of being curious about our feelings and the underlying expectations that may contribute to them, encouraging us to investigate why we feel a certain way towards our spouse.
We also touched on the practical aspects of communication in marriage, emphasizing the need for both verbal and nonverbal clarity. It's crucial for partners to express their expectations clearly and provide grace and understanding when they are not met. This approach fosters a healthier, more supportive relationship environment.
The sermon concluded with a powerful example from the Bible, where Jesus addresses the issue of unmet expectations among the Pharisees and a woman caught in adultery. This story illustrated the destructive potential of expectations and the transformative power of grace and forgiveness.
### Key Takeaways:
1. Understanding the Expectation Gap:
The gap between what we expect and what occurs can lead to significant emotional distress within marriages. Recognizing and addressing these gaps proactively can prevent many conflicts and misunderstandings in relationships. It's essential to discuss these expectations openly rather than letting them fester silently. [09:42]
2. The Power of Curiosity:
Being curious about our feelings and the reasons behind them can lead to deeper understanding and empathy in a relationship. When we explore why we feel disappointed or upset, we often uncover unspoken expectations. Addressing these can lead to better communication and fewer misunderstandings. [21:43]
3. Communication is Key:
Clear communication of expectations, both verbally and nonverbally, is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. Partners should strive to express their needs and desires clearly and listen actively to each other. This openness prevents the buildup of resentment and misunderstanding. [25:06]
4. Grace and Forgiveness:
Filling the expectation gap with grace and forgiveness rather than resentment or blame can transform a relationship. This approach fosters a supportive and loving environment, encouraging both partners to grow and thrive together. [12:45]
5. Biblical Wisdom on Expectations:
The story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery highlights the destructive nature of unmet expectations and the healing power of grace and forgiveness. This lesson is vital for all relationships, not just marital ones, teaching us to approach conflicts with compassion and understanding. [18:34]
### Youtube Chapters:
- [0:00] - Welcome
- [01:40] - Introduction to Marriage Series
- [02:55] - The Reality of Marital Challenges
- [05:46] - Unmet Expectations in Relationships
- [07:04] - The Impact of Expectations
- [09:42] - Exploring the Expectation Gap
- [12:45] - Handling Discrepancies with Grace
- [17:10] - Biblical Story of Unmet Expectations
- [21:43] - The Importance of Curiosity
- [25:06] - Communicating Expectations Clearly
- [29:10] - Practical Tips for Handling Expectations
- [33:53] - Addressing Long-term Relationship Challenges
- [37:31] - Prioritizing Marriage Over Parenting
- [42:19] - Concluding Thoughts and Prayer
Study Guide
### Bible Reading
1. James 4:1-2: "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God."
2. Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
3. John 8:2-11: The story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery.
### Observation Questions
1. According to James 4:1-2, what is the root cause of fights and quarrels among people? ([08:15])
2. How does Proverbs 13:12 describe the impact of unmet expectations on the heart? ([08:15])
3. In John 8:2-11, how did Jesus respond to the Pharisees' expectations regarding the woman caught in adultery? ([17:10])
4. What are some examples of unmet expectations mentioned in the sermon that can lead to disappointment and resentment? ([05:46])
### Interpretation Questions
1. How do unmet expectations lead to emotional distress and conflict in relationships, according to James 4:1-2? ([08:15])
2. Why is it important to be curious about our feelings and the reasons behind them, as discussed in the sermon? ([05:46])
3. How does the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery illustrate the power of grace and forgiveness in dealing with unmet expectations? ([17:10])
4. What role does clear communication play in managing expectations within a marriage, as emphasized in the sermon? ([25:06])
### Application Questions
1. Reflecting on James 4:1-2, can you identify a recent conflict in your life that stemmed from unmet expectations? How might you address it differently now? ([08:15])
2. Proverbs 13:12 speaks about hope deferred making the heart sick. Can you think of a time when an unmet expectation made you feel this way? How did you handle it, and what might you do differently in the future? ([08:15])
3. In the sermon, it was mentioned that being curious about our feelings can lead to better understanding and empathy. How can you practice curiosity in your relationships this week? ([05:46])
4. The sermon highlighted the importance of clear communication. What is one expectation you have not clearly communicated to your spouse or a close friend? How can you express it this week? ([25:06])
5. Jesus showed grace and forgiveness to the woman caught in adultery. Is there someone in your life you need to show grace and forgiveness to because of unmet expectations? How will you take the first step? ([17:10])
6. The sermon discussed the expectation gap and how it can be filled with either negative assumptions or grace. Think of a recent situation where you filled the gap with a negative assumption. How can you choose grace next time? ([09:42])
7. How can you and your spouse or close friend work together to set clear expectations and avoid misunderstandings in the future? What practical steps can you take to improve your communication? ([25:06])
Devotional
Day 1: Bridging the Expectation Gap
Understanding and managing the expectation gap is crucial in nurturing a healthy marriage. Often, the difference between what we expect and what we experience can lead to emotional distress and conflict. By recognizing this gap, couples can proactively address issues before they escalate. It involves honest conversations where both partners can express their expectations and experiences without fear of judgment. This open dialogue helps in adjusting perceptions and aligning expectations with reality, thereby reducing disappointments and fostering a deeper connection. [09:42]
James 1:19-20 ESV: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."
Reflection: Reflect on a recent situation where your expectations in your relationship were not met. How did you respond, and how could you handle it differently using the principles of quick listening and slow speaking?
Day 2: Cultivating Curiosity in Relationships
Curiosity about our partner's feelings and the underlying reasons can significantly enhance understanding and empathy within a relationship. When we explore the roots of our disappointments or frustrations, we often uncover unspoken expectations or miscommunications. This exploration should be approached with kindness and an open heart, aiming to truly understand rather than to judge or blame. By fostering this curiosity, couples can build a stronger foundation of trust and mutual respect, which are essential for a lasting relationship. [21:43]
Proverbs 20:5 ESV: "The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out."
Reflection: Think about a recent conflict or misunderstanding with your spouse. What assumptions might you have made about their actions or motives? How can you approach future conflicts with more curiosity and less assumption?
Day 3: The Art of Communicating Expectations
Effective communication is the cornerstone of any strong relationship. It is vital for partners to clearly express their needs, desires, and expectations to avoid misunderstandings and resentment. This communication should be both verbal and nonverbal, ensuring that both partners feel heard and valued. When expectations are communicated clearly, it becomes easier to manage them and to provide the necessary support to each other. This practice not only prevents conflicts but also strengthens the bond between partners. [25:06]
Colossians 4:6 ESV: "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."
Reflection: Consider a recent instance where a miscommunication led to a disagreement in your relationship. How could clearer communication have prevented this? What steps can you take to improve communication with your partner?
Day 4: Embracing Grace and Forgiveness
In relationships, filling the expectation gap with grace and forgiveness rather than resentment can lead to profound transformation. This approach allows couples to overcome mistakes and grow together, fostering a supportive and loving environment. It is about giving your partner the space to be human—flawed and imperfect—while still loving them unconditionally. This grace is a reflection of the love that God shows us daily, a crucial element for any marriage to thrive. [12:45]
Ephesians 4:32 ESV: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
Reflection: Is there a recent situation where you could have responded with more grace or forgiveness towards your spouse? How can you cultivate a habit of responding with grace in future situations?
Day 5: Learning from Biblical Wisdom on Expectations
The story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery teaches us about the destructive nature of unmet expectations and the healing power of grace and forgiveness. This biblical lesson is vital not only in marital relationships but in all forms of human interactions. By understanding and applying this wisdom, we can approach conflicts with compassion and understanding, which leads to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. [18:34]
Luke 7:47-48 ESV: "Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little. And he said to her, 'Your sins are forgiven.'"
Reflection: How can you apply the lesson of unconditional forgiveness from Jesus' interaction with the adulterous woman in your own relationships? What specific steps can you take to show more compassion and understanding towards your spouse or others?
Quotes
### Quotes for Outreach
1. "Well, good morning, Arrows Church. You guys doing well today? It's been a great day so far. My name's Robert. I'm the pastor of Arrows Church, and somewhere around here is my wife. This is Shelly. You don't get off that easy. We want to welcome you here today. One of our values here at Arrows Church is to be together, and here's why that's important, especially in the context of our relationships, even marriages, is because when you're together with other people, it helps protect those relationships and protect those marriages." [01:40]
2. "We've all seen those wildlife documentaries where the weak, small, injured animal gets attacked by the wolves, and sometimes our relationships and marriages are in that state, and when we're around other people, there's protection in that, and so we're all for about being together just to protect what we have." [01:40]
3. "We want to invite you guys to come to the church. We want to invite you guys to come to the church. We want you guys to come back next week. We're going to close this out and we're going to do it in kind of a cool way. Um, and so we're going to close and it's mother's day next week." [44:37]
### Quotes for Members
1. "Expectations that are not met lead to... To ongoing feelings of sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anger. Expectations that are not met will lead to sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anger. Have you ever been those things with your spouse? Have you ever been frustrated, and mad, and angry, and upset, disappointed with your spouse? And you don't even know why." [05:46]
2. "The truth is this. Expectations that are not met lead to... To ongoing feelings of sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anger. Expectations that are not met will lead to sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anger. Have you ever been those things with your spouse? Have you ever been frustrated, and mad, and angry, and upset, disappointed with your spouse? And you don't even know why." [05:46]
3. "How you handle that discrepancy, how you handle that gap tells us almost everything we need to know about if your marriage is going to last long term, and here's why. Because how you handle that gap tells us almost everything we need to know about you as a person. Because you have a couple of options in that moment. You can fill that gap with a lot of different things." [11:15]
4. "Let me tell you the way that most people do it because it takes no work, no effort on your part. You can fill that gap with things like motive. You can say, you know what? I expected Shelly to do this. Here's what she actually did. I know why she did that. I know why she did that. She did that on purpose. She didn't want me to be happy, right? I'm assigning motive to her actions because she didn't meet my expectation, okay?" [11:15]
5. "The hard thing to do is to fill that gap with things like grace and trust, and to look at your spouse, or that person in your life, and say, you know what? They did not meet the expectation I had, and that's okay. That's okay. They're not perfect. I'm not perfect. Nobody's perfect. To fill that gap, that discrepancy with trust, you know what? Sure they didn't meet that, and there was probably a really good reason why they did not meet that. I wonder what that reason is." [12:45]
6. "I'm going to get curious as to what that reason is. Do you see how that takes much more work and effort on your part? Do you see how that takes much more work and effort on your part? Do you see how that takes much more work and effort on your part to fill that discrepancy with grace and truth?" [12:45]
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