Breaking the Silence: Healing from Abuse

Summary

In today's message, we explored the pervasive issue of abuse in our relationships and how it contributes to the brokenness we experience in our lives. Abuse, whether physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional, is a silent epidemic that many endure without speaking up. The Bible, particularly in 2 Timothy 3:2, warns us that abuse will increase as society drifts further from God. We see examples of abuse throughout scripture, such as in the life of Job and King David, who both faced torment and ridicule. Abuse leaves lasting damage unless addressed, and today, I want to offer hope and a path to healing.

The first step in breaking free from abuse is to stop keeping it a secret. Concealing abuse only allows it to fester and control your life. As Jesus said in John 8:32, "The truth will set you free." By revealing your feelings and sharing your pain with someone you trust, you begin the healing process. Abuse often creates a sense of shame, but it's crucial to remember that it is not your fault. The responsibility lies with the abuser, not the victim.

King David's experiences, as recorded in the Psalms, teach us the importance of not holding in our pain. When we internalize abuse, it can lead to anxiety, panic, and even thoughts of suicide. Speaking up and bringing the issue into the light is essential for healing. We must also name the abuse, recognizing and identifying it for what it is. Emotional abuse, in particular, can be subtle and difficult to spot, but it is vital to acknowledge its presence.

Finally, we must not minimize or rationalize abuse. Excusing abusive behavior only perpetuates the cycle of pain. God is deeply angered by injustice and abuse, and He calls us to stand against it. Whether the abuse happened long ago or is occurring now, we must have the courage to confront it and seek help. Remember, God cares about your pain, and there is hope for a life free from the chains of abuse.

Key Takeaways:

1. Breaking the Silence: The first step to healing from abuse is to stop keeping it a secret. Concealing abuse allows it to control your life, but sharing your pain with someone you trust begins the healing process. Remember, the truth will set you free. [04:00]

2. It's Not Your Fault: Abuse often creates a sense of shame, but it's crucial to understand that it is not your fault. The responsibility lies with the abuser, not the victim. You are not responsible for the sinful actions of others. [07:11]

3. The Power of Naming: Recognizing and naming the abuse is vital for healing. Emotional abuse can be subtle, but identifying it for what it is allows you to confront it and seek help. [14:05]

4. Avoid Minimizing Abuse: Excusing or rationalizing abusive behavior only perpetuates the cycle of pain. God is deeply angered by injustice and calls us to stand against it. Have the courage to confront abuse and seek help. [21:47]

5. Hope and Healing: Whether the abuse happened long ago or is occurring now, there is hope for a life free from its chains. God cares about your pain, and by speaking up and seeking help, you can break free and find healing. [12:15]

Youtube Chapters:

- [00:00] - Welcome
- [00:13] - Understanding Brokenness
- [00:42] - The Silent Epidemic of Abuse
- [01:00] - Biblical Warnings and Examples
- [02:04] - The Lifelong Impact of Abuse
- [03:43] - Seven Steps to Break Free
- [04:00] - Step 1: Don't Keep It a Secret
- [06:06] - The Truth Will Set You Free
- [07:11] - It's Not Your Fault
- [08:02] - Lessons from King David
- [09:05] - The Consequences of Silence
- [14:05] - Step 2: Name the Abuse
- [21:47] - Step 3: Don't Minimize It
- [24:24] - God's Anger Towards Injustice
- [25:30] - Finding Courage to Confront Abuse

Study Guide

Bible Study Discussion Guide

Bible Reading:
1. 2 Timothy 3:2
2. John 8:32
3. Psalm 39:1-4

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Observation Questions:

1. According to 2 Timothy 3:2, what does the Bible say about the prevalence of abuse in the last days? How does this relate to the current state of society? [01:00]

2. In John 8:32, Jesus mentions the truth setting us free. How does this concept apply to the process of healing from abuse as discussed in the sermon? [06:06]

3. Psalm 39:1-4 describes David's experience with keeping his suffering a secret. What were the consequences of his silence, and how does this relate to the sermon’s message about the importance of speaking up? [09:05]

4. The sermon mentions King David's experiences with abuse. What are some examples of the types of abuse he faced, and how did he express his feelings about them? [08:02]

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Interpretation Questions:

1. The sermon emphasizes the importance of not keeping abuse a secret. Why might someone feel compelled to remain silent about their abuse, and what are the potential consequences of this silence? [04:00]

2. The pastor mentioned that abuse often creates a sense of shame in the victim. How does understanding that "it's not your fault" help in the healing process? [07:11]

3. Naming the abuse is highlighted as a crucial step in healing. Why is it important to identify and label the abuse, and how can this step empower a victim to seek help? [14:05]

4. The sermon discusses God's anger towards injustice and abuse. How does this understanding of God's character influence a believer's response to abuse, both personally and within the community? [24:24]

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Application Questions:

1. Reflect on a time when you felt compelled to keep a painful experience a secret. What steps can you take to share this with someone you trust, and how might this begin your healing process? [04:00]

2. If you have ever felt shame due to someone else's actions, how can you remind yourself that the responsibility lies with the abuser, not you? What practical steps can you take to internalize this truth? [07:11]

3. Consider the relationships in your life. Are there any where you suspect emotional abuse might be present? How can you begin to identify and name these behaviors, and what support might you need to address them? [14:05]

4. How can you actively stand against abuse and injustice in your community, reflecting God's anger towards these issues? What specific actions can you take to support victims of abuse? [24:24]

5. The sermon encourages finding hope and healing from past or present abuse. What are some resources or support systems you can access to help you or someone you know break free from the chains of abuse? [12:15]

6. If you recognize patterns of minimizing or rationalizing abusive behavior in your life, what steps can you take to confront this and seek help? How can you encourage others to do the same? [21:47]

7. Reflect on the role of the church in addressing abuse. How can your small group or church community create a safe space for victims to speak up and find healing? What initiatives or support systems could be implemented? [12:15]

Devotional

Day 1: Breaking the Chains of Silence
Concealing abuse allows it to control your life, but sharing your pain with someone you trust begins the healing process. Abuse thrives in secrecy, and the first step to healing is to break the silence. By speaking up, you take away the power that secrecy gives to the abuser. Jesus said in John 8:32, "The truth will set you free," emphasizing the liberating power of truth. When you share your experiences with someone you trust, you begin to dismantle the chains that bind you. Remember, you are not alone, and there is strength in vulnerability. [04:00]

"For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light." (Luke 8:17, ESV)

Reflection: Who is one person you trust that you can share your story with today, and what steps can you take to reach out to them?

Day 2: Releasing the Burden of False Guilt
Abuse often creates a sense of shame, but it's crucial to understand that it is not your fault. The responsibility lies with the abuser, not the victim. Many victims of abuse carry an unjust burden of guilt, believing they are somehow to blame for the actions of others. This false guilt can be paralyzing, preventing healing and growth. It's important to release this burden and recognize that you are not responsible for the sinful actions of others. Embrace the truth that you are worthy of love and respect, and that God sees your pain and stands with you. [07:11]

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1, ESV)

Reflection: What false beliefs about yourself have you been holding onto, and how can you begin to replace them with the truth of God's love and acceptance?

Day 3: The Power of Naming the Pain
Recognizing and naming the abuse is vital for healing. Emotional abuse can be subtle, but identifying it for what it is allows you to confront it and seek help. Naming the abuse is a powerful step in the healing journey, as it brings clarity and validation to your experiences. It allows you to see the situation for what it truly is, rather than what you may have been led to believe. By naming the abuse, you take the first step towards reclaiming your power and seeking the support you need to heal. [14:05]

"Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance." (Proverbs 1:5, ESV)

Reflection: What specific words or phrases can you use to accurately describe your experiences, and how might this clarity help you in seeking support?

Day 4: Confronting the Cycle of Pain
Excusing or rationalizing abusive behavior only perpetuates the cycle of pain. God is deeply angered by injustice and calls us to stand against it. It can be tempting to minimize or rationalize abuse, especially when it comes from someone you care about. However, doing so only allows the cycle of pain to continue. God calls us to stand against injustice and to seek healing and restoration. By confronting the abuse and refusing to excuse it, you take a stand for your own well-being and for the justice that God desires. [21:47]

"Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause." (Isaiah 1:17, ESV)

Reflection: What are some ways you can actively stand against injustice in your own life and in the lives of others, and how can you seek God's guidance in this process?

Day 5: Embracing Hope and Healing
Whether the abuse happened long ago or is occurring now, there is hope for a life free from its chains. God cares about your pain, and by speaking up and seeking help, you can break free and find healing. Healing from abuse is a journey, but it is one that is filled with hope and the promise of freedom. God sees your pain and desires to bring you into a place of healing and restoration. By taking steps to speak up and seek help, you open the door to a future that is not defined by the past, but by the hope and healing that God offers. [12:15]

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3, ESV)

Reflection: What is one step you can take today towards healing and freedom, and how can you invite God into this journey with you?

Quotes

everybody has a sinful nature I do you do everybody does we're all born with an innate ability to do the wrong thing and because of that because sin entered the world everything in the world is broken the weather's broken the economy is broken every family is broken every body is broken every relationship is broken and that's why we're doing this series uh on how do you deal with the Brokenness in our relationships on you make me crazy how do you how do you make a a relationship healthier and stronger this weekend I want to deal with a very very sensitive issue it's a silent subject nobody wants to talk about but it's an issue we need to talk about when we deal with broken relationships and that's the issue of abuse physical abuse verbal abuse sexual abuse emotional abuse now the Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 3:2 that in the last days that abuse is going to rise that it is going to increase in its prevalence and of course we're seeing that all around as our culture decays as people live more and more for themselves and less and less for God and we lose our spiritual Roots the Bible is literally filled with examples of abuse in Job chapter 19 job talks about his torment ERS those who are abusing him and he says why do you keep tormenting me with such words this is verbal abuse why do you keep tormenting me with such words time after time you insult me and you show no shame for the way that you abuse me now the reason we need to deal with this is because the damage to abuse is a lifetime damage unless you learn to deal with it I want to share with you a message of Hope today so that no matter who you are what you've been through or what you've experienced in the past or currently experiencing you can break free from it and you can recover from it if you don't you will carry the pain of that abuse for your entire life that is unnecessary I don't want you to do that you don't want to do that and so we want to talk about how to be free from abuse [00:02:40]

the first step in Breaking Free from abuse whether it's sexual or physical or verbal or emotional is this don't keep it a secret nothing's going to happen till you take step one don't keep it a secret now it is the most common thing in the world when someone is abused to say I'm not going to tell anybody about it but the Bible says you got to share your pain with somebody you trust who can help you break free from it you don't want to hide it you don't want to conceal it you don't want to pretend it's not there you don't want to fake it you don't want to ignore it you don't want to close your eyes to it what you need to do is you need to talk about it now one of the saying we use in recovery all of the time is I'm only a sick as my secrets and that's true Our Sick Secrets make us sick and the way to deal with that that illness is to let it out you've heard me say this before you might write it down again re revealing my feeling is the beginning of healing I must have said that a hundred times over the last 30 years at Saddleback revealing my feeling is the beginning of healing whatever emotion I've got inside of me it may be worry it may be fear it may be boredom it may be anger it may be loneliness it may be depression it may be anger it may be resentment it may be jealousy or Envy or whatever doesn't matter what it is that's dominating my life revealing your feeling is the beginning of healing if you can't talk about it it's already out of control in your life if you're afraid to talk about it it's already dominating and controlling your life so the starting point is don't keep a secret you got to share with with somebody somebody who can help you break free from this now Jesus said in John 8:32 the truth will what set you free the truth will set you free and and and the way we get free from the truth is to First face it and that means to admit it to open up I said earlier abuse is often called The Silent epidemic because it's the big pink elephant and many many marriages that nobody wants to talk about it it may have been in the family you grew up in it may be in the family that you're in right now but we just don't want to talk about it and people suffer in silence [00:04:00]

if you have been abused as a child or as a teenager or as an adult it's not your fault it's not your fault yeah but I it's not your fault you are not responsible for the wrong sinful actions of somebody else but I it's not your fault the abuser must accept responsibility for their actions his or her actions it's not your fault now we're going to look at King David today because if anybody understood abuse it was King David in the old Testament you know uh the king who King David who wrote most of the book of Psalms spent much of his life dealing with abuse because there were people who wanted to hurt him there were people who wanted to kill him there were people who wanted to abuse him there are people who wanted to defame him there were people who wanted to ridicule him who wanted to discredit all kinds of different abuse and in over 100 passages in the Book of Psalms s David expresses his hurt his frustration his fear his depression his a anger at his enemies he uses the word enemy or enemies over I think 92 times the in the uh New International Version and he talks about the abuse that they heaped on his life most of his life I'm going to show you a few examples in just a minute but one of the things we learned from David right off the bat from modeling it in the Bible is this don't hold it in you've got to let it go you've got to talk it out you've got you can't keep it a secret let me give you an example Psalm 39: 1 to4 David explains what happened when he tried to keep it a secret David said I said I will not say anything while evil people are near so I kept quiet not saying a word but but my suffering only grew worse and I was overcome with anxiety and the more I thought the more troubled I became I could not keep from asking Lord how long will I live when will I die tell me how soon my life will end now this is a classic response to abuse classic response so I want you to notice the four things that happens when you hold it in first he's afraid to talk about it in the presence of his abusers those who perpetrated the abuse against them he said I will not say anything while evil men people are near he said I'm afraid to talk about this while these people in here it might hurt me more I don't want to talk about this is so typical he's afraid to talk about it in the presence of his perpetrators second his silence make it worse he said I kept quiet not saying a word but my suffering only grew worse and those of you who've been abused and have kept it a secret you know what it did in your life and then he says it internalized that pain internalized into Panic he said I was overcome with anxiety this is classic over 30 years as your pastor I've talked to so many people who came to me saying Pastor Rick I'm having panic attacks I'm overcome with worry wor I'm anxious all the time I'm fearful I'm afraid and when we begin to talk I discover the problem is not fear it's not anxiety it's not panic it's the pain from an abuse that has been pushed down pushed down pushed down and Pa and and David says this he said I was overcome with anxiety and when you deal with the root issue and you deal with that pain the the anxiety vanishes it just goes away and then it says he said I was overcome with anx anxiety and the more I thought the more troubled I became and I started asking how long will I live when will I die how soon will my life end he begins to be obsessed with death this is typical for many people who have been abused abuse can actually lead to considering suicide because people think it's the only way out I'm trapped I'm abused and I can't get out of it and I have no power and I can't the only way to do it is just to take my life this is classic now I want to say this to you as your pastor who loves you and those of you are watching online I say this to you too if you are feeling this right now God cares about it this church cares about it I care about it and there is hope and you don't have to stay in that cycle of pain anxiety fear and that's the only way out there are other ways to deal with this issue but first you got to stop being silent you got to speak up you've got to get it out on the table you've got to deal with it and bring it into the light [00:07:11]

the second thing the Bible teaches us to do is name the abuse give it a name name the abuse you need to identify it you need to be specific you need to recognize it you need to call it what it is you have been sinned against you have been abused now you may need some help from somebody else at this time when people are abused physically or emotionally or or any other way they often don't spot it they because I'm too close to the situation they can't see what's really going on particularly in emotional abuse you may have had parents or a partner or a peer or somebody Abus you emotionally over and over and you're still not getting it you're not seeing it somebody else was going to have to from a an objective standpoint help you spot it now I spent the better part of this week studying the book of Psalms in detail finding over a hundred different references to different marks of emotional abuse I don't have time to go into all of those so I I've boiled it down to eight and I've put eight verses here on your outline that show eight common characteristics of emotional abuse I want you to write a word next to each of these sentences because these are the Hallmarks of emotional abuse if these are in your life you're being abused all right David's descriptions when he uses the word enemy or enemies 92 times here's what he says they do the first thing in Psalm 102 ver8 he says my enemies taunt me day after day they Mock and curse me circle the word taunt he say they're always picking on you they're always provoking you they're always they won't leave you in peace they're constant taunting you what this is here's the word to write down is aggravation aggravation is the first common characteristic of emotional abuse you just get aggravated at people because they're taunting you all day they mock you they curse you they taunt you they're picking on you they're provoking you they won't let you alone they're always picking at you that's aggravation the second characteristic is intimidation intimidation that's emotional abuse Psalm 109: 20 he says they tell lies about me and they threaten me Circle that they threaten me that's intimidation when you have people in your life who are always making threats I'm going to leave you I'm going to walk out on you why if you do that you don't know what and and they're always threatening you threatening you with violence threatening you with leaving threatening you with a lawsuit threatening this can happen at work it can happen at school it can happen in your neighborhood it can happen in your home when people are threatening you they are emotionally abusing you it's intimidation they're always making threats they try to scare you into compliance they try to pressure you into compliance that is intimidation third Mark is denigration denigration is when they're always putting you down and in Psalm 22:7 David says of his enemies they make fun of me and they ridicule me they make fun of me and they ridicule me now we're not talking about good-natured teasing here in fact teasing can be an Evidence of love and when you're teasing somebody and you love them they know you're not you're not doing it in a mean-spirited mean what we're talking about here is mean-spirited scorn and derision they intentionally ridicule you they belittle you they put you down they're constantly attacking you belittling you and uh and and heaping scorn on you the fourth one is in Psalm 69 David says I've been insulted put to shame and humiliated this is the fourth Mark of abuse humiliation when you in a relationship where you experience humiliation that's abuse friends that's emotional abuse I've been insulted put to shame and humiliated shame is the favorite tool of abusers they demean you they dishonor you and they disgrace you denigration humiliation intimidation aggravation number five manipulation manipulation is when they're trying to control you and uh they're bullying you around in Psalm 73 ver8 I love this the message paraphrase they Jer they use words to kill they bully their way with words you ever been bullied with words they're trying to manipulate you by what they say you're verbally bullied that's manipulation and that's emotional abuse number six domination they push hard to make me fall they push hard what's what is do domination they're trying to control you in every kind of way they're always pushing at you everything is a PowerPlay everything is about control everything's about who's in charge who's number one who's pulling the strings they turn everything into a power play you see this at work and you unfortunately sometimes see it in marriages and then in Psalm 31:13 David says they spread rumors about me and consp fire against me that's defamation defamation they spread rumors about me and conspire against me defamation they're trying to defame they love to use gossip to defame you they like to spread rumors about you they they they like to to say things that embarrass you the internet is filled with this kind of emotional abuse and then finally number eight is condemnation and condemnation is they mock me with the worst kind of profanity and they snarl at me in other words they use vulgarity they use profanity they use cursing for shock value they like to drop the f bomb they like to drop other cussword they like to use crude slang about a part of your body or about your gender or they call you this or that some crude name that they've picked up you know by watching uh MTV or something it's condemnation they mock me with the worst kind of profanity and snarl At Me Now friends if any of these words describe the environment that you are in let me just tell you real clearly you are being emotionally abused this is not good natured stuff here this is emotional abuse and what you need to do is you need to admit it and you need to name it and you need to call it for what it is and you need to point out that that's exactly what it is it's not playfulness it's meanness it is meant to harm it is malicious [00:14:05]

don't minimize it don't rationalize it Ephesians 5:6 says don't be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins for the anger of God comes upon all those who disobey him so you don't say things likew he was just having a bad day or she was just having a bad day or I I brought it on myself or there are so many good things about him there are so many good things about her you don't minimize it you don't rationalize it a number of you know that I grew up in a home with a dad who was mentally ill as his mental illness in our childhood Years first began to show itself he began to be abusive towards my mom first with words and then with threatening physical actions and then I I remember a night when he pushed her on the couch and held her down to talk to her she immediately made sure the police were contacted we moved out of the house her sister lived in the in the same town so we moved in with them they had four kids we had three kids I've always thought about our parents what they had to face when that happened she got a separation from him and we moved back into our house I've always been so grateful that my mother did not rationalize it or minimize it she could have said he's just sick she could have said it's not his fault and some of that was true but the truth was he was abusing her and she made the decision to do something about it I know that it terrified her it terrified her it was the hardest thing she ever had to do but she decided to not minimize it to not r Rize it and that's what we have to decide as well I've got to tell you as I check my own emotions even this many years later it's hard for me to talk about this we don't like to talk about abuse we don't like to admit that it's there we don't like to face it and because of that everything in US wants to minimize it we want to rationalize it even some of you that were in an abusive home years and years ago you haven't faced it in your own life you still minimize it rationalize it push it down some of you that are in abusive situation right now I'm praying God will give you the courage instead of minimizing it rationalizing it to to take some steps now my mom and dad stayed married the rest of her life the rest of their life but that time of Separation changed everything because she didn't rationalize she didn't minimize if you want some strength for doing that remember how God feels about abuse you want to know how God feels about it just pick up the Bible and read through the prophets read through particularly the 12 Minor Prophets at the end of the Old Testament just about every one of those Minor Prophets is about God's anger towards those who have practiced Injustice or abuse particularly to those who are weaker in society they use their strength physical strength or political strength to abuse other people and God just says I am angry at this I'm going to judge this by the way when you think about abuse sometimes it seems like the abuser is the person who is strong it's important to remember that when somebody is practicing abuse it's always because they feel deep insecurity and a deep sense of being powerless in their life and that insecurity that powerlessness in their life is causing them to want to abuse other people in their life so I've had to learn some tough life lessons about this one and one of the keys in abuse is what's going on in your own mind so whether it happened a long time ago or it's happening right now or it's just beginning to happen happen you don't minimize it you don't rationalize it you say God give me the courage to deal with it [00:21:47]

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Transcript

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