Breaking the Cycle: From Win-Lose to Forgiveness

"We're continuing our conversation on conflict and conflict resolution styles, and we're particularly focusing on the Western way of handling conflict. And we have talked about the five ways in which Westerners tend to handle conflict, either giving in and accommodating, or another style to withdraw and avoid conflict. Sometimes compromise is the best way forward where each side gives up a little in order to get what's most important for them. Problem solving, care fronting, or collaboration is another style of handling conflict in which both sides win and get what they want through creative conversation." [00:00:14]

"And then the other one is the win-lose or the competing style of handling conflict where one person tries to win and therefore the other person must lose. And if that person takes that style on a frequent basis, then they have this reputation of always needing to win in any kind of conflict situation. And then we looked at assumptions that were embedded or inherent in each of these styles. And in each of these styles, one can use them if the conditions are right." [00:01:05]

"So if the situation is of this nature, this style will work best in order to manage the conflict so it doesn't become a problem, it doesn't cause alienation or anger or defensiveness. What I do want to do, however, in this session is to talk about a way of handling conflict that isn't on this chart, but it actually is a variation of this style. And what I want to do then is to talk about the win-lose person and to see what happens if you're around the win-lose person over a period of time." [00:01:43]

"Remember that in the win-lose position, one person has a strong need always to win. And whoever the other person is must lose or walk away from the situation. I grew up in a small church where a couple of the men that I knew were very strongly opinionated. They always felt that it was important that they have the right perspective and they believe that their opinions and their suggestions and their ideas were always right, were always best." [00:02:27]

"Well, sometimes you can use guilt. Say, well, you're not so smart, you know, or you didn't have this kind of education, or you were wrong. I don't have to tell you why. No matter who I'm right. Remember when you were wrong? Well, the assumption is if you were wrong back there, now you're wrong again. Or sometimes we use silence. That's often used by women, I think, more than men, but men can use it as well." [00:03:27]

"Sometimes we even use the Bible. We say, well, you know, I prayed this morning, and this is what God told me. That should end the conversation. You know, God gets the final word, doesn't He? If God told you, who can argue with that? That's sort of the final big argument for winning. When people would sometimes do that with me, I would say, how did you know it was God speaking to you and not heartburn?" [00:04:31]

"Now this father also took this position of win-lose. And so in all of life, he was right. They were wrong. His ideas were better than their ideas. If there was any discussion about how soon they should be home, his way was right. Theirs was wrong. So in everything, he prevailed. And when you're in that situation, and that goes on for years and years and years now, even into your young adult years of 16, 17, and 18, that starts to have an effect on you." [00:06:52]

"And the effect is that you have what psychologists call low ego strength or low self-esteem or some sense of worthlessness. So you feel worthless. You're never right. You can't be right. And pretty soon you just feel like there's no way that your opinion, your ideas are going to be good or good enough, not for this important person in your life, this father. And the mother was sort of the quiet, silent partner in this whole thing." [00:07:35]

"Well, what happens now is that in these situations, when people are attacking you day after day, year after year, telling you in one form or another, in all different situations, that you're no good. You don't have good ideas. You can't make wise decisions. You're worthless. That's the message that comes across. The father never said that, but it was always the subtext when saying, no, your ideas aren't quite good enough. Here's what you're going to do. This is a better idea." [00:12:54]

"And in the passive-aggressive approach, you give the appearance that you're doing what people want you to do. You go through the day and you say, yes, Father, and you do this, and sometimes you make a little remark and your father says, now that's not a good thing to say, you know, and you say, oh, yes, I'm sorry. But that remark at least gives you some sense that you can express yourself." [00:14:21]

"And your resentment is towards the person who's causing you this terrible feeling, this feeling that you're worthless, and you have to fight that feeling, this feeling that I have no sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and that I have a right to a voice. I have a right to an opinion, and I have a right to be heard. And when your authority figures are denying that, that's a very painful thing, and so you want to fight back." [00:16:26]

"And the open rebellion is done in such a way to inflict as much pain as possible on the person who was hurting you, robbing you of your dignity and your sense of self-worth. This is happening a lot in American society. I think it's happening a lot in many Western, Eastern cultures as well, Eastern European cultures and Western European cultures. And if we understand it, maybe we can change and help." [00:19:27]