Becoming the Right Person for Healthy Relationships

 

Summary

In today's message, we delved into the complexities of relationships, focusing on the myths that often mislead us and the truths that can guide us toward healthier connections. We explored the "right person myth," which suggests that finding the right person will magically solve all our problems. This myth is dangerous because it overlooks the importance of personal growth and preparation. Instead of waiting for someone to complete us, we should focus on becoming the person that the person we're looking for is also seeking.

We also discussed the "promise myth," which falsely assumes that a promise or a vow can replace the need for preparation in relationships. Just as athletes prepare rigorously to win, we must prepare ourselves to succeed in our relationships. A promise without preparation leads to accountability without capability, which ultimately results in misery.

The essence of Jesus' teachings is to love others as He has loved us. This love is patient, kind, and not self-seeking. It does not envy, boast, or dishonor others. True love is about deferring to others, valuing them above ourselves, and exercising patience and kindness. These are not just virtues to aspire to but are essential practices for anyone serious about building lasting relationships.

We are called to honor others, treating them as more valuable than ourselves, just as Christ did for us. This means not dishonoring others with our words or actions and ensuring that we are not the source of regret in someone else's life. If we find ourselves in relationships where we are consistently dishonored, it may be time to reevaluate and make necessary changes.

Ultimately, following Jesus and embracing His command to love prepares us to win relationally. It is not about finding the right person but becoming the right person. This journey requires intentionality, preparation, and a commitment to love as Christ loved us.

Key Takeaways:

- The Right Person Myth: The belief that finding the right person will solve all relationship issues is a myth. True relational success comes from personal growth and preparation, not from waiting for someone to complete us. We must focus on becoming the person that the person we're looking for is also seeking. [03:50]

- The Promise Myth: A promise or vow cannot replace the need for preparation in relationships. Just as athletes prepare to win, we must prepare ourselves to succeed in our relationships. Accountability without capability leads to misery. [04:35]

- Love as Jesus Loved: Jesus' command to love others as He loved us is central to relational success. This love is patient, kind, and not self-seeking. It does not envy, boast, or dishonor others. Practicing these virtues is essential for building lasting relationships. [08:12]

- Honor in Relationships: Honor is at the heart of every satisfying relationship. We are called to treat others as more valuable than ourselves, just as Christ did for us. This means not dishonoring others with our words or actions and ensuring that we are not the source of regret in someone else's life. [24:47]

- Preparation for Relational Success: To win relationally, we must prepare by exercising patience, kindness, and honor. Following Jesus and embracing His command to love prepares us to win in our relationships. It is not about finding the right person but becoming the right person. [35:00]

Youtube Chapters:

- [00:00] - Welcome
- [00:10] - Introduction to Love, Dates, and Heartbreaks
- [00:47] - Relationship Decisions and Their Impact
- [01:54] - The Right Person Myth
- [04:03] - The Promise Myth
- [06:41] - Following Jesus and Relational Integrity
- [08:12] - Jesus' Command to Love
- [09:31] - Romance and Exclusivity
- [11:23] - Paul's Definition of Love
- [12:36] - Love is Patient
- [15:00] - Love is Kind
- [18:01] - Love Does Not Envy, Boast, or Be Proud
- [22:58] - Love Does Not Dishonor Others
- [25:56] - Honor in Relationships
- [35:16] - Preparing to Win Relationally

Study Guide

Bible Study Discussion Guide

Bible Reading:

1. John 13:34-35 - "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
2. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
3. Philippians 2:3-4 - "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

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Observation Questions:

1. What are the two myths discussed in the sermon that often mislead people in relationships? How do these myths affect our approach to relationships? [01:54]

2. According to the sermon, what is the essence of Jesus' teachings on love, and how does it relate to relational success? [08:12]

3. How does the sermon describe the role of preparation in relationships, and what analogy is used to illustrate this point? [04:35]

4. What does the sermon suggest about the importance of honoring others in relationships, and how is this connected to the teachings of Christ? [24:47]

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Interpretation Questions:

1. How does the "right person myth" challenge the common cultural narrative about finding love, and what does the sermon suggest as a healthier alternative? [03:50]

2. In what ways does the "promise myth" fail to prepare individuals for successful relationships, and how does this relate to the concept of accountability without capability? [04:35]

3. How does the sermon interpret Jesus' command to love others as He loved us, and what practical steps are suggested to embody this love in our relationships? [08:12]

4. What does it mean to honor others in the context of relationships, and how can this practice transform our interactions with those around us? [24:47]

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Application Questions:

1. Reflect on a relationship in your life where you might be waiting for the "right person" to solve issues. How can you shift your focus to personal growth and preparation instead? [03:50]

2. Consider a promise or vow you have made in a relationship. What steps can you take to ensure you are prepared to fulfill that promise with capability? [04:35]

3. Identify a situation where you struggled to love someone as Jesus loved you. What specific actions can you take to practice patience and kindness in that relationship? [08:12]

4. Think of a time when you felt dishonored in a relationship. How did it affect you, and what changes can you make to ensure you honor others in your interactions? [24:47]

5. Evaluate your current relationships. Are there any where you consistently feel dishonored? What steps can you take to address this issue, either by setting boundaries or seeking reconciliation? [28:08]

6. How can you practice valuing others above yourself in your daily interactions? Identify one person you can intentionally honor this week and describe how you will do it. [25:56]

7. Reflect on a relationship where you have been pushy or impatient. What specific changes can you make to align your actions with the biblical definition of love as patient and kind? [14:54]

Devotional

Day 1: Becoming the Person You Seek
In relationships, the "right person myth" suggests that finding the right person will solve all problems. This belief is misleading because it neglects the importance of personal growth and preparation. Instead of waiting for someone to complete us, we should focus on becoming the person that the person we're looking for is also seeking. This involves self-reflection, personal development, and aligning our values with those we desire in a partner. By doing so, we not only prepare ourselves for healthier relationships but also contribute positively to the lives of those around us. [03:50]

Ephesians 4:22-24 (ESV): "To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."

Reflection: What specific qualities do you need to develop in yourself to become the person you are seeking in a partner? How can you start working on these qualities today?


Day 2: Preparation Over Promises
The "promise myth" suggests that a promise or vow can replace the need for preparation in relationships. This is a dangerous misconception because, like athletes who prepare rigorously to win, we must also prepare ourselves to succeed in our relationships. A promise without preparation leads to accountability without capability, resulting in frustration and disappointment. True relational success requires intentional preparation, where we cultivate the skills and virtues necessary for a thriving relationship. This preparation involves understanding our own needs, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to communicate effectively. [04:35]

Proverbs 24:27 (ESV): "Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house."

Reflection: In what ways can you actively prepare yourself for a successful relationship, beyond just making promises? What steps can you take this week to start this preparation?


Day 3: Love as Jesus Loved
Jesus' command to love others as He loved us is central to relational success. This love is characterized by patience, kindness, and selflessness. It does not envy, boast, or dishonor others. Practicing these virtues is essential for building lasting relationships. True love involves deferring to others, valuing them above ourselves, and exercising patience and kindness. These are not just ideals to aspire to but are necessary practices for anyone serious about building meaningful connections. By loving as Jesus loved, we create an environment where relationships can flourish. [08:12]

1 John 3:18 (ESV): "Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

Reflection: How can you demonstrate love in action today, in a way that reflects the love of Jesus? Who in your life needs to experience this love from you right now?


Day 4: Honor in Relationships
Honor is at the heart of every satisfying relationship. We are called to treat others as more valuable than ourselves, just as Christ did for us. This means not dishonoring others with our words or actions and ensuring that we are not the source of regret in someone else's life. Honoring others involves recognizing their worth and treating them with respect and dignity. If we find ourselves in relationships where we are consistently dishonored, it may be time to reevaluate and make necessary changes. By prioritizing honor, we create a foundation for healthy and fulfilling relationships. [24:47]

Romans 12:10 (ESV): "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

Reflection: Think of a relationship where you can show more honor. What specific actions can you take to demonstrate honor and respect in this relationship today?


Day 5: Preparing to Win Relationally
To win relationally, we must prepare by exercising patience, kindness, and honor. Following Jesus and embracing His command to love prepares us to win in our relationships. It is not about finding the right person but becoming the right person. This journey requires intentionality, preparation, and a commitment to love as Christ loved us. By focusing on personal growth and aligning our actions with Jesus' teachings, we set ourselves up for relational success. This preparation is an ongoing process that involves self-reflection, learning, and growth. [35:00]

Colossians 3:12-14 (ESV): "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."

Reflection: What is one area of your life where you need to prepare more intentionally for relational success? How can you incorporate Jesus' teachings into your daily habits to support this preparation?

Quotes



The right person myth is that once you meet the right person everything will be all right, and all the married people chuckled, if you remember, right? And the myth goes like this, that regardless of what you do between now and the time that you meet the right person, regardless of what you do between now and the time that you meet the right person, once you meet the right person, all of that goes away and everything's gonna be just fine, that once you find them everything will be fine, including you. [00:02:19]

The promise myth is that a promise replaces preparation, that a promise replaces the need for preparation, that you don't have to prepare for a relationship. You can promise yourself into it. All you need, all you need is a promise and a party, right? A promise and a party, a vow and a party, a vow, a ring, and a party, and boom, you're in. You can promise yourself into relational maturity, you can promise yourself into great relationship habits. [00:04:08]

To win relationally, whether you're in marriage, looking to get married, dating, to win relationally, you have to prepare. Remember, saying I do does not make you capable. It only makes you accountable. I'm going to let you fill in a blank. And when you are accountable but not capable, you are eventually miserable, thank you. You got it down here on the front row. Give yourself love. Way to go, ma'am. [00:06:00]

Love is patient. Love is not pushy. If someone is pushing you, they are not loving you. Love actually pushes me to give you room, because you don't wanna be pushed. You don't wanna be rushed. Unless you're a college freshman. That's a whole different thing, okay. You don't wanna be rushed, right? Love chooses. This is the cool thing about love. Love chooses, because it's always a choice. Love chooses to move at the other person's pace. [00:11:43]

Kindness is actually an expression of strength. Unkindness is weakness. Unkindness is weakness. It means because you can't bridle yourself. You can't tame your tongue. You can't control yourself. Unkindness is evidence of weakness. Unkindness indicates that you can't control yourself, and I've given you this definition before. You know what kindness is? Kindness is simply loaning someone your strength, rather than reminding them of their weakness. [00:15:11]

Love does not envy, it doesn't boast, and it's never proud. Love does not envy, love does not boast, and love is not proud. Love allows the other person to shine. Love is willing to step out of the spotlight, even when they have reason to step into the spotlight. This is so huge, this is so important. This is so much learning to do for others what God in Christ has done for us. Love isn't threatened by other people's success. [00:18:56]

Love does not dishonor others. Love does not behave disgracefully, dishonorably, or indecently. Love doesn't create regret. Love doesn't insist on another drink. Hey guys, let me ask you this. Do you know how unique you would be in our world, in our culture? Do you know how unique you would be if you decided today, I will never dishonor another woman for the rest of my life. I will not dishonor a woman with my words. [00:22:59]

Honor is at the heart of every satisfying relationship. Honor is at the heart, the epicenter of every satisfying relationship, and the Apostle Paul, again, he does us a big favor. He actually defines honor for us, like we need a definition, because again, we do. We just don't use this term very much. Here's what he says, here's what it looks like. He says, if you want to honor another person, here's the practical side of it. [00:24:30]

Don't stay, don't stay in a relationship where you are consistently, constantly dishonored. If you're dating someone and you're consistently dishonored, break up today. In fact, you have permission to get your phone out and break up now, and I don't think breaking up with a text is generally a good idea. In this case, break up now, and then hand someone your phone and change your number, okay? If you are in a, I'm serious, if you're in a relationship where you are consistently and constantly just put down, put down, put down, put down, dishonored, get out. [00:28:02]

To win, you must prepare to win. And here's the promise, and here's where we'll pick it up next time. Following Jesus, embracing the fine print that the Apostle Paul's gonna give us some more of next time, following Jesus, embracing this one over-arching, demanding, rewarding command: to learn to love as God in Christ has loved us prepares you to win. [00:34:59]

Following Jesus actually makes you better at life because when you choose to follow Jesus, He will lead you in the direction of relational integrity, because Jesus is all about relationships, because in the beginning, God created the heavens and earth and God created humanity, and God gave us personalities, and God made us in His image, which means we are innately relational people. We were made for relationship, and you were made for relationship, and following Jesus is gonna up your relationship game, not simply so that you'll be happier, but so that you'll be more like your Savior. [00:06:38]

Love is able to celebrate other people's success without adding their own story, without reminding everybody else of your success. Love is able to step out of the spotlight and purely celebrate the accomplishments of another person. No tendency to one-up what just happened. Now, here's where this is hard, and here's where love leans in on the things that we need to work on personally. See, you know this, if you don't feel good, if you don't feel good about yourself, it's hard to let others feel good about themselves, right? [00:19:20]

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Transcript
What was the most surprising thing in this sermon?
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