Becoming Relational Leaders: Pursuing Peace and Harmony

Summary

Building on last week’s foundation of patience as the “forgotten love language,” today’s focus is on the deeper roots of conflict in our relationships and the call to become relational leaders who pursue peace and harmony. The story from Mark 9, where the disciples argue about who is the greatest right after Jesus predicts his death and resurrection, reveals how easily we can miss what truly matters. Instead of absorbing Jesus’ heart, the disciples fall into the trap of self-importance and rightness—a pattern that echoes in our own lives.

We often argue not just to be great, but to be right. This need for rightness can manifest outwardly in open conflict or inwardly through silent arguments in our minds, sarcasm, gossip, and critical comments. Whether we fight openly or go underground, the result is the same: a lack of peace—relational, internal, and even spiritual. The Apostle Paul’s letters to the early churches show that this is not a new problem; even believers struggle with quarreling, gossip, and disorder.

The “super chicken” experiment illustrates how a group focused on individual productivity and rightness ends up self-destructing, while a group that simply coexists flourishes. In our relationships, when we let annoyances and grievances pile up, we start labeling people and holding onto resentment, which hardens our hearts and destroys peace. The real problem is not “those people,” but “we people”—all of us contribute to the lack of harmony.

God’s solution is not to wait for others to change, but to take responsibility ourselves. Paul’s words, “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone,” call us to become thermostats, not thermometers. A thermostat sets and maintains the desired environment; a relational leader sets the tone for peace, harmony, and love. This means overlooking annoyances, forgiving grievances, and leading with the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13—patient, kind, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeping no record of wrongs.

Even if our efforts only make a small difference, or none at all, pursuing peace brings joy because it changes us. The peace of Christ, which comes from walking daily with Him, becomes the controlling factor in our hearts, enabling us to love as He loves. We are fully capable, by His Spirit, of being relational leaders who build up others and create circles of harmony and grace.

Key Takeaways

- The Need to Be Right Undermines Peace
Our deep-seated desire to be right—whether expressed outwardly in arguments or inwardly through silent judgments—creates division and robs us of relational peace. This drive for rightness often leads to sarcasm, gossip, and the formation of “teams” that reinforce our own perspective, rather than fostering understanding and unity. True peace comes when we surrender the need to be right and instead seek to understand and build up others. [07:53]

- Annoyances and Grievances Become Labels and Resentment
When we fail to “bear with one another,” annoyances accumulate and turn into labels, causing us to see people only through the lens of their faults. Grievances, when left unforgiven, pile up into resentment, which hardens our hearts and poisons not just one relationship, but all our relationships—including our relationship with God. The call is to regularly examine our hearts, release labels, and practice forgiveness as a discipline. [16:40]

- We Are Called to Be Relational Leaders—Thermostats, Not Thermometers
Rather than simply reflecting the emotional climate around us, we are called to set it. A relational leader takes responsibility for the tone and health of their relational circles, choosing to overlook annoyances, forgive grievances, and lead with love. This proactive stance transforms families, workplaces, and churches into places of safety, respect, and harmony. [25:41]

- Leading with Love Means Practicing the Qualities of 1 Corinthians 13
Love is not just a feeling but a set of intentional actions: patience, kindness, humility, forgiveness, and perseverance. By putting our own names into the “love chapter,” we can honestly assess where we need to grow and invite God to shape us into people who build others up. Leading with love is hard work, but it is the only way to create lasting peace and joy in our relationships. [32:03]

- The Peace of Christ Empowers Us to Pursue Relational Harmony
Lasting peace in our relationships is only possible when the peace of Christ rules in our hearts. This peace comes from daily walking with Jesus, trusting in His love and sacrifice, and allowing His Spirit to transform us. Even if our efforts don’t immediately change others, they will change us—bringing joy, freedom from resentment, and the ability to see others as God sees them. [35:53]

Youtube Chapters

[00:00] - Welcome
[01:56] - Jesus’ Question: Why Are You Arguing?
[03:34] - The Disciples’ Argument and Our Need to Be Right
[06:19] - Outward and Inward Arguing
[07:53] - The Cost of Arguing: Lack of Peace
[08:38] - The Longing for Relational Harmony
[10:32] - Paul’s Warning to the Early Churches
[12:39] - The Super Chicken Experiment
[14:27] - How Annoyances and Grievances Destroy Peace
[16:40] - The Danger of Labels and Resentment
[19:15] - Self-Justification and the Real Problem
[20:48] - God’s Solution: You Are the Answer
[25:41] - Becoming a Relational Leader: Thermostat vs. Thermometer
[27:08] - Overlooking Annoyances and Forgiving Grievances
[29:42] - Practical Steps for Pursuing Peace
[30:48] - Leading with Love: 1 Corinthians 13
[32:03] - Assessing Ourselves and the Challenge to Grow
[34:34] - The Joy of Promoting Peace
[35:53] - The Peace of Christ as Our Foundation
[36:52] - Empowered to Lead with Love
[39:28] - Encouragement to Be Relational Leaders
[40:54] - Closing Prayer

Study Guide

Bible Study Discussion Guide

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### Bible Reading

- Mark 9:30-37 (Jesus predicts his death and resurrection; the disciples argue about who is the greatest)
- Colossians 3:12-15 (Bear with each other, forgive grievances, let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts)
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (Love is patient, kind, not self-seeking, keeps no record of wrongs, etc.)

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### Observation Questions

1. In Mark 9, what were the disciples arguing about right after Jesus told them about his death and resurrection? Why do you think they kept quiet when Jesus asked them about it? [[03:34]]
2. According to Colossians 3, what are we told to do when we have grievances against one another? [[14:27]]
3. In 1 Corinthians 13, what are some of the specific qualities that define love? [[30:48]]
4. The sermon described two ways people argue: openly and “underground.” What are some examples of “underground” arguing mentioned in the message? [[06:19]]

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### Interpretation Questions

1. Why do you think the disciples were so focused on who was the greatest, even after Jesus shared something so important with them? What does this reveal about human nature and our own hearts? [[03:34]]
2. The sermon says that annoyances can turn into labels, and grievances can turn into resentment. How does this process affect our relationships and our own hearts over time? [[16:40]]
3. Paul says, “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” What does it mean to be a “thermostat” instead of a “thermometer” in your relationships? [[25:41]]
4. The message challenges us to put our own names into 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Why might this be a helpful exercise for understanding how we love others? [[32:03]]

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### Application Questions

1. Think about a recent argument or conflict you had—either out loud or just in your head. Was your main goal to be right, or to build peace? How could you approach a similar situation differently next time? [[07:53]]
2. Are there any people in your life right now that you have labeled because of annoyances? What would it look like to “bear with” them and see them as God sees them? [[16:40]]
3. Is there a grievance or hurt you’ve been holding onto that has turned into resentment? What is one step you could take this week to begin forgiving and letting go? [[17:08]]
4. In your family, workplace, or friend group, do you tend to act more like a thermometer (reflecting the mood) or a thermostat (setting the tone)? What is one practical way you could start being a thermostat for peace and harmony? [[25:41]]
5. Take a moment to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, replacing “love” with your own name. Which quality is hardest for you to live out? What is one small action you could take this week to grow in that area? [[32:03]]
6. The sermon said that even if our efforts to bring peace don’t change others, they will change us. Have you ever experienced this? How did pursuing peace or forgiveness affect your own heart, even if the situation didn’t change? [[34:34]]
7. The peace of Christ is described as the “controlling factor” in our hearts. What is one daily habit or prayer you could start to help you walk more closely with Jesus and let His peace guide your relationships? [[35:53]]

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Devotional

Day 1: The Danger of Arguing for Rightness

We often find ourselves, like the disciples, caught up in arguments about who is right or who is the greatest, even after hearing the most important truths from Jesus. This need to be right can manifest outwardly in heated debates or inwardly through silent, mental arguments, and even through gossip or sarcasm. All these forms of conflict, whether visible or hidden, rob us of the peace and harmony God desires for our relationships. Instead of building each other up, our insistence on rightness can create division, hurt, and a lack of relational peace, leaving us feeling isolated even in the most beautiful circumstances. [07:53]

Mark 9:33-34 (ESV)
"And they came to Capernaum. And when he was in the house he asked them, 'What were you discussing on the way?' But they kept silent, for on the way they had argued with one another about who was the greatest."

Reflection: When was the last time you insisted on being right in a conversation or argument? How did it affect your relationship with the other person, and what could you do differently next time to pursue peace instead of rightness?


Day 2: The Call to Bear With and Forgive One Another

Relational peace is often destroyed when we allow annoyances and grievances to pile up, turning into labels and resentment. Scripture calls us to "put up with each other" and to forgive, recognizing that we too can be annoying and in need of grace. When we choose not to forgive, resentment grows, hardening our hearts and affecting every relationship, even our relationship with God. True peace and harmony in our circles come when we overlook annoyances, drop the labels, and forgive grievances quickly, refusing to let bitterness take root. [15:55]

Colossians 3:13 (ESV)
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Reflection: Who in your life have you labeled because of repeated annoyances or past grievances? What is one step you can take today to see them as God sees them and begin to forgive?


Day 3: Becoming a Relational Leader—Setting the Temperature

God calls each of us to be relational leaders, not just passive participants in our families, workplaces, and communities. Like a thermostat, a relational leader sets and maintains a positive, peaceful environment rather than simply reflecting the negativity around them. This means giving up blame, expectations, and the need to be right, and instead taking responsibility for the kind of relational circle we help create. Even if our efforts seem small or ineffective, choosing to lead with peace and harmony can transform the atmosphere and inspire others to do the same. [27:08]

Romans 12:18 (ESV)
"If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

Reflection: In what area of your life do you tend to act more like a thermometer—just reflecting the conflict or negativity around you? What would it look like to become a thermostat and intentionally set a tone of peace and harmony there?


Day 4: Leading with Love—The 1 Corinthians 13 Challenge

To truly build up others and maintain peace, we must lead with love as described in 1 Corinthians 13. This love is not just a feeling but a series of intentional actions: patience, kindness, humility, forgiveness, and perseverance. By putting our own names into the passage, we can honestly assess where we need to grow and ask God to help us love others as He loves us. Leading with love means protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering in our relationships, even when it is difficult or goes unnoticed by others. [33:15]

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV)
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Reflection: Take a moment to write out 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, replacing the word "love" with your own name. Which phrase is hardest for you to write honestly, and how can you begin to grow in that area this week?


Day 5: Letting the Peace of Christ Rule in Your Heart

Lasting relational peace is only possible when the peace of Christ is the controlling factor in our hearts. This peace comes from walking daily with Jesus, trusting in His love and forgiveness, and allowing His character to shape our own. As we let go of resentment, labels, and the need to be right, we experience inner calm and become agents of peace in all our relationships. Even if our efforts do not immediately change others, we are changed, and we find joy in becoming more like Christ, the One who makes true peace possible. [35:53]

Colossians 3:15 (ESV)
"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful."

Reflection: What is one practical way you can walk more closely with Jesus this week so that His peace becomes the controlling factor in your heart and overflows into your relationships?

Quotes

Whether we keep the arguing inside our head or we mask it and we go underground and start spreading negative and critical comments or we do it the old-fashioned way and we just enter into the fight wholeheartedly, you know. Whatever it may be for us, our tendency, we all have this tendency, I think, to argue for our rightness. [00:07:53] (25 seconds)  #ArguingForRightness Edit Clip

It's sad that sometimes we human beings, we become like the super chickens that peck each other with our arguing and our quarreling, our critical comments, our negative comments that we go underground and spread, our catty comments, all in our need to be right. [00:14:03] (24 seconds)  #SuperChickenSyndrome Edit Clip

If we choose not to, the annoyances start piling up then and something really bad occurs. Our annoyances become labels. Labels we place on people. We no longer see the person. We see and know them for that thing that annoys us. [00:16:25] (21 seconds)  #LabelsBlindUs Edit Clip

There's a truth that we all need to embrace today, and the truth is this. The problem is not those people. The problem is we people. We people. All of us, in some way, contribute to the arguing and the lack of peace and harmony in our relational circles. And we need to own our part if it's ever going to change. [00:20:58] (26 seconds)  #WeArePartOfTheProblem Edit Clip

The relational leader chooses to first overlook those annoyances. You know, we choose instead of seeing that big thing that just annoys us every time we come into contact, we start seeing the person behind the annoyance. We start seeking to understand them. We get rid of those labels that we've put on people, and we remember that we too can be annoying as well. [00:28:00] (25 seconds)  #SeeThePersonNotTheAnnoyance Edit Clip

Anyone who wants to, seeks to bring peace and maintain it, it is hard work for sure, but it is so absolutely worth it. So worth it. A family or a relational circle that actually changes and becomes a place that is safe and comfortable and harmonious, where there is understanding and respect for one another. We're peace. People are built up by love where we are better together because we function harmoniously together. [00:33:46] (31 seconds)  #PeaceIsWorthTheWork Edit Clip

There is no peace in us, in our souls, and there's no way to pursue peace in our relationships without the peace of Christ as the controlling factor in our hearts and in our lives. We just won't have what it takes to pursue it and the work it will take to maintain it. We won't have what we need. [00:36:25] (21 seconds)  #PeaceOfChristWithin Edit Clip

The peace of Christ comes to us when we come to that understanding that Christ is our creator. He made us, he created us, and then he died on a cross for us. All so that we could see the beauty of his character and the very depth of his love, a love that never forces itself upon us, but instead sacrifices himself for us. [00:36:46] (23 seconds)  #ChristOurSourceOfPeace Edit Clip