Active Love: Building Stronger Marriages Through Action
Summary
In my sermon today, I began by celebrating the second birthday of Arrows Church, reflecting on the growth and impact we've seen since our launch on Easter 2022. I expressed gratitude for the community we've built, where everyone is welcome, nobody is perfect, and with Jesus, anything is possible. I also introduced the opportunity for a Q&A session, inviting the congregation to submit their questions for discussion.
I then transitioned into our new sermon series, "For Better or Worse," focusing on the complexities of love and relationships, particularly marriage. I acknowledged that many of us did not learn how to love our spouses by observing our parents, leaving us to navigate these waters on our own. This often leads to unrealistic expectations of the ideal, which can turn into an ordeal, and the misguided belief that a new deal with someone else might be the solution.
I shared the sobering truth that we are powerless to love our spouses in the way we promised, due to the brokenness of our world and the presence of sin. This realization should relieve the pressure we often place on ourselves and our partners. I emphasized that the difficulty in marriage does not necessarily indicate that something is wrong, but rather that true love requires effort and is not merely a feeling.
I delved into the stages of a typical marriage, illustrating how affection can shift from one another to external pursuits, leading to a cycle of neglect and pursuit that can end in resignation or divorce if not addressed. I stressed the importance of both spouses facing and pursuing each other to maintain a marriage that is not just enduring but desirable.
I then highlighted the emotional needs we carry from childhood into adulthood, such as respect, encouragement, comfort, and affection, and how we often look to our spouses to fulfill these needs. This can lead to disappointment and the false belief that someone else might meet these needs better.
The crux of my message centered on Jesus' revolutionary command to love one another as a present active verb, not as a noun or a feeling. I challenged the congregation to actively and presently love their spouses, without prerequisites, and to understand that love is an action that we must choose to do continuously.
I concluded by encouraging everyone to apply this teaching in their relationships, to actively love without conditions, and to return next week for further exploration of this topic with my wife, Shelly, who will share her insights.
Key Takeaways:
1. Recognizing our powerlessness to love perfectly in our own strength is the first step toward a healthier marriage. It allows us to let go of unrealistic expectations and to rely on God's strength to love our spouses as He intended. This understanding is liberating and foundational for genuine love to flourish. [07:08]
2. The cycle of pursuit and neglect in marriage is a common pattern that can lead to a sense of resignation. To break this cycle, both partners must intentionally face and pursue each other, demonstrating active love that goes beyond mere feelings or past experiences. This pursuit is essential for a marriage that is not only lasting but also fulfilling. [12:56]
3. Our childhood experiences shape our emotional needs and expectations in marriage. When these needs are unmet, we may inadvertently pressure our spouses to fill the void. Recognizing this dynamic allows us to address our needs healthily and avoid placing undue burdens on our relationships. [19:52]
4. Jesus' command to love one another is not a suggestion but an active, ongoing action. Love as a verb requires us to continually choose to love our spouses, regardless of feelings or circumstances. This active love is the engine that propels a marriage forward, even when the feeling of being loved feels more like the caboose. [26:58]
5. The foundation of enduring love is the understanding that love is a verb—an action we must choose to do every day. By actively loving our spouses, we build a marriage that can withstand the challenges of life and become a testament to the power of Christ's love in action. [33:34]
Study Guide
### Bible Study Discussion Guide
#### Bible Reading
1. John 13:34 - "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
2. Matthew 5:46 - "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?"
#### Observation Questions
1. According to John 13:34, what is the new command that Jesus gives to His followers?
2. In the sermon, what does the pastor identify as the main reason we are powerless to love our spouses perfectly? ([07:08])
3. What are some of the emotional needs from childhood that the pastor mentions we carry into adulthood? ([19:04])
4. How does the pastor describe the cycle of pursuit and neglect in marriage? ([10:59])
#### Interpretation Questions
1. Why does Jesus' command to love one another as a present active verb challenge our typical understanding of love? ([25:08])
2. How does recognizing our powerlessness to love perfectly in our own strength change our approach to marriage? ([07:08])
3. What does the pastor mean when he says that love is a verb and not a noun? How does this impact our daily actions towards our spouse? ([25:08])
4. How can understanding the emotional needs we carry from childhood help us avoid placing undue burdens on our spouses? ([19:52])
#### Application Questions
1. Reflect on your own marriage or close relationships. Are there any unrealistic expectations you need to let go of to rely more on God's strength? How can you start doing this? ([07:08])
2. The pastor mentioned the cycle of pursuit and neglect. Are you currently in any stage of this cycle in your marriage? What steps can you take to break this cycle and actively pursue your spouse? ([10:59])
3. Identify one emotional need from your childhood that you feel was unmet. How has this affected your expectations in your marriage? What can you do to address this need in a healthy way? ([19:52])
4. Jesus commands us to love one another actively and presently. What are some practical ways you can show active love to your spouse this week, regardless of your current feelings? ([25:08])
5. Think about a recent conflict or challenge in your marriage. How can you apply the concept of love as a verb to navigate this situation differently? ([25:08])
6. The pastor mentioned that love should not be based on the other person's behavior. How can you ensure that your love for your spouse is not conditional? ([28:43])
7. What specific action can you take this week to demonstrate love to your spouse or a close friend, especially if they are not currently showing love in return? ([30:14])
Devotional
Day 1: Embracing Powerlessness in Love
In recognizing our own limitations, we come to understand that true love in marriage is not about achieving perfection through our own strength. It's about acknowledging our brokenness and the brokenness of the world around us, which often leads to sin and the inability to love as we ought. This realization is not a cause for despair but rather a call to lean on God's strength and grace. By doing so, we can begin to love our spouses in a way that reflects God's intention for marriage. This understanding liberates us from the chains of unrealistic expectations and allows us to experience the fullness of love that is patient, kind, and endures all things. It is in our weakness that God's power is made perfect, and our marriages can become a testament to His transformative love [07:08].
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Reflection: How can acknowledging your own powerlessness to love perfectly lead you to rely more on God's strength in your marriage?
Day 2: Breaking the Cycle of Neglect
Marriage often falls into a rhythm of pursuit and neglect, where the initial fervor of love gives way to complacency and distraction. This cycle can lead to a sense of resignation, but it is not an inevitable outcome. To break free from this pattern, both partners must make a conscious effort to turn towards each other, to actively pursue one another with intention and purpose. This pursuit is not merely a romantic endeavor but a daily choice to show love through actions, communication, and shared experiences. It is about creating a marriage that is not just about enduring together but about thriving together. When both partners commit to this active pursuit, they build a relationship that is fulfilling and reflective of the love they vowed to share [12:56].
Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV)
"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."
Reflection: What is one specific way you can actively pursue your spouse today to break the cycle of neglect in your relationship?
Day 3: Addressing Unmet Emotional Needs
From childhood, we carry with us a set of emotional needs that shape our expectations in marriage. These needs, such as respect, encouragement, comfort, and affection, often go unmet, leading us to place the burden of fulfillment on our spouses. This dynamic can cause disappointment and strain within the relationship. It is crucial to recognize that while our spouses can support us, they cannot be the sole providers of our emotional well-being. Instead, we must learn to address our needs in healthy ways, seeking fulfillment in God and through personal growth, while also communicating our needs clearly and compassionately with our partners [19:52].
Colossians 3:12-14 (ESV)
"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."
Reflection: Can you identify an emotional need you've been expecting your spouse to meet and think of a way to address it through your relationship with God or personal development?
Day 4: Love as an Active Choice
Love is not a passive state of being or a fleeting emotion; it is an active, ongoing choice. Jesus' command to love one another is a call to action, to continuously choose to love our spouses, regardless of the circumstances or our feelings at the moment. This kind of love is challenging; it requires effort, sacrifice, and a willingness to serve. It is the kind of love that can propel a marriage forward, even when the feeling of love seems distant. By choosing to love actively, we embody the love of Christ, which is relentless, unconditional, and transformative [26:58].
1 John 3:18 (ESV)
"Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."
Reflection: What is one tangible act of love you can choose to do for your spouse today, even if you don't feel like it?
Day 5: Building a Testament of Love
The foundation of enduring love in marriage is the understanding that love is a verb—an action we must choose to do every day. This active love is not dependent on perfect conditions or reciprocation; it is a commitment to love because we have been loved by Christ first. By actively loving our spouses, we create a marriage that can withstand the challenges and trials of life. Such a marriage becomes a living testament to the power of Christ's love in action, inspiring others and glorifying God through its example [33:34].
James 1:22-25 (ESV)
"But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."
Reflection: How can you demonstrate love as a verb in your marriage this week, and how might this build a stronger testament to Christ's love?
Quotes
1. "The only way to have a marriage that lasts, listen, I'm not talking about just a marriage on paper. A marriage that you want to have. A marriage that your children want to look up to. That your friends and family say, what do you guys know that we don't? The only way to do that is for both of you to be facing one another and be pursuing one another." [16:08]
2. "Some really smart people put their heads together and they came up with a list of attributes that a child needs in order to, as an adult, have strong, healthy, great relationships. Respect, encouragement, comfort, security, support, acceptance, approval, appreciation, attention, affection." [19:04]
3. "If I asked your spouse, do you ever feel pressured to be the sole provider of that one to your spouse? My assumption is they would feel absolutely yes. Why? Because you were neglected in that area. That particular need. Maybe many. And we naturally, when those emotional needs are not met, we naturally gravitate towards anyone who will offer to meet those needs for us." [19:52]
4. "The foundation of staying in love is making love a verb. Some of you thought the sermon was going to go a little different direction there, didn't you? Let me just give you a pro-marriage tip. The more you make love a verb, the more you'll make love. That one's free. So let's apply it this week, guys." [33:34]
5. "We are actually powerless to love our spouse the way we promised we would. The way that they dreamed you would and the way God intended that you should. You are actually powerless. You do not have the ability in and of yourselves to love your spouse the way that you told everybody you were going to love them, including them." [07:08]
6. "There's a difference, there's a major difference between falling in love and staying in love. Turns out all you need to fall in love is a pulse. You just have to be alive. It's never been easier to fall in love... Similarly, it's never been more difficult to stay in love." [16:57]
7. "Here's the tension in marriage. We are all equipped to fall in love, but we are not equipped to stay in love. Like I said, all you need to fall in love is a pulse, but man, it takes so much more to stay in love. Where's the hope? Where's the hope in all this?" [22:12]
8. "Love one another. But listen, you don't even understand how revolutionary this is. How scandalous this was when he said that. And the reason is because we just read it like we're saying, I love the chiefs. We don't understand what he's saying here." [25:08]
9. "Are you actively, currently loving one another? So here's your homework this week. Find someone to love one another. If you're married, that's easy. It's obviously your spouse. Actively, currently, love. If you're not married, there's somebody in your life." [28:43]
10. "And he doesn't know how to do it. And it's tiring. And so he quits. And this ushers in stage five. And at this point, there's a lot of options depending on how long this marriage has happened... Well, she just resigns herself. You know what? I'm just going to pour into my kids." [15:07]
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